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[autoimmunerach]

How i feel about my health issues.

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Nothing like getting blood work back and seeing “HIGH” and “LOW” all over the results

Like give me a BREAK

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Another day, another diagnosis. I have insanely low vitamin d levels which is leading my doctors to believe i may not absorb any vitamins properly. Which could mean a new stupid diagnosis.

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Hey living with autoimmune diseases is fucking hell. Genuinely. I thought i was doing fine. That video by Jack strauber that says “why is it still raining? I did what i was supposed to do.” Is accurate to how i feel about my illnesses. Because i take my meds. I get my blood drawn. I try to eat well and stay as not stressed as possible. Yet, my tsh in my thyroid which is meant to be 0.30 - 4.20 ulu/ml is fucking 30.70. It’s out of control AGAIN. a fucking gain. It’s so disheartening and so defeating. I want to give up right now. Like i don’t know how I’m supposed to live like this. How do i live with my hectic job, my family life, my relationship, making people happy, paying a speeding ticket, saving money, getting a loan, fixing my credit, making sure my nieces and nephews are okay, still grieving the loss of my sister in law, eating better, AND taking care of myself? I don’t get sleep. I don’t give myself time to recoup. I just

I don’t get a break. When is it my fucking turn.

[autoimmunerach]

My Autoimmune Story

So I’m literally just going to post about my life here. Being immunocompromised is literally so annoying. Especially when you can barely spell the word. (Immuno-comp-ri? ro?-mised) Like sound it out, I guess.

So hi. Im Rachel. I’m 23 and in summer of 2017 I was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis and Graves disease. I had been previously diagnosed with PCOS when I was much younger. I also have depression, anxiety, OCD, and like a ton more. These illnesses have given me other illnesses and problems (thanks so much for bringing a gift, I suppose) and I have been looking for so long for people I can relate to.

People that won’t say “Wow oh my god youre like SO YOUNG.” “Youre way too young to have so many issues!” “Wow youre so strong.” (Gag me, Mary. I don’t want to be told I’m strong I want to not have all these p r o b l e m s).

I wish I had more people that understood what it’s genuinely like.

So then I figure, there’s gotta be more people out there with that thought too, right? WELL. Let me be your new best friend and we can all just vent together and understand each other. Living with (what feels like) 700 illnesses is bad enough. Might as well have company!

I’ll tell stories and vent and post life tragedies and funny stuff- everything. Because this is what it’s like to be immunocompromised IRL.

love u

FEEL FREE TO SEND ME ASKS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ON OR OFF THIS BLOG (i love anime and making friends wink wonk)

[autoimmunerach]

My Mental Health Diagnoses

Hey side note before we start: I truly have no idea how to format these posts and how to make them… fun?

Any tips? No? ok moving on.

Lets bring you guys back EVEN FURTHER, shall we?

So, like most main characters, my childhood wasn’t the best. I wouldn’t even say it was cool. Sure sure, I had some fun times but- I cant remember much.

My childhood was filled with my older brother doing backyard wrestling with his friends, my dad drinking every hour of every day, my mom telling me she loved me and kissing my forehead a lot, and my older sisters hating sharing rooms with me. (Hey Alysha, thanks for letting me use your elephant makeup brushes xoxo)

TW: This blog post includes talk of self harm, depression, anxiety, ocd, dissociation and suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call 911, go to the nearest emergency room, call 1–800–273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center, or text MHA to 741741 at the Crisis Text Line.

more below cut

I have a very few select memories from my early childhood. Unsure if its trauma or just- my brain clocking out. I wonder quite often if it’s my brain protecting me from something, but thats a discussion for my counselor.

What I do remember is the day my dad left. I was 9 I believe. I had come back from a friends house and went to my room. I walked by a mess of a room that was my mom and dad’s room. Mom was in there crying, drawers from the dresser as well as clothes on the floor. Dad was gone.

Even then, I knew it was a good thing. I knew he wasnt made for being a father. That man just- oof.

That day, I started comforting my mom and helping her feel better. I returned all of her forehead kisses and made her feel loved.

That day, my dad did something unspeakable that isn’t exactly my story to tell. To summarize: He isn’t a good person.

WARNING: angry letter to my dad ahead

And dad, if youre reading this, I really dont care too much about hurting your feelings because you chose a girl over me when I was 9, didn’t talk to me for- what- 11 years? Did what you did that night, then tried buying my love when I contacted you one year on Christmas- yes I THE CHILD broke the silence. I regret it. I shouldve never called you. You aren’t a good dad. Because now, im 23, and you havent wished me a happy birthday in 2 years and you havent talked to me since I told you to grow up on my 21st fucking birthday. There is so much I could say to you but you dont deserve more than a few sentences. Thanks for being in my life for like a grand total of about 13 years. Thanks for showing me how cruel the world can really be at such a young age.

ANYWAYS.

My mom and I moved from place to place and I had to teach myself how to be strong in one way while mom showed me how to be strong in another way. We taught each other how to love again. We always say I love you and I understand the importance of saying I love you in any way you can before you leave the house. Its important to tell those that you care about- that, ya know, you care about them. You never know what could happen.

To say the least, I developed depression, anxiety, and OCD.

I think I’ve had OCD my whole life though.

I used to have to do everything in 4’s. I would have to look at objects in the room 4 at a time .I had to touch things near me in 4’s. If I do anything- to this day- it has to be even. It’s hard to explain but I have to touch every one of my fingernails an equal amount of times.

The depression and anxiety frequently ganged up on me when I was young. I lost all of my friends because of what my dad did. Nobody’s parents wanted them near me.

I made a whole new group of friends- which I lost in 7th grade and then proceeded to make a NEW group of friends. Pre teen years amirightboys?

I learned how to cope for the most part. I did end up self harming in my teen years as a result of an abusive relationship. I grew very suicidal at times, especially at the end of my teens. It’s so hard to tell people all of that. It’s hard to explain that I felt completely okay with dying. It is a scary fucking feeling. I hate that anyone ever has to feel that way.

So, anyways, at a young age I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depression. I was put on medications to help me sleep and they worked for the most part. In my teenage years, I was put on an anti depressant. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all medication for depression. The first one I was put on made me worse. It made me feel helpless but I continued to tell my doctors and counselor this stuff. So my meds were adjusted and I was coolin.

Until 2017 when my thyroid disease and liver disease that I WAS UNAWARE OF both flared up and caused a load of changes in my hormones. I started staying out late, being awful to my mom, not talking to my friends, and started to get super depressed again. It was around this time that I developed a touch of dissociation and depersonalization.

I felt more often than not like I wasn’t in my own body. It was like I was watching a movie about my life instead of living it or like I was dreaming. It was so scary. But it also made me throw caution to the wind because- hey there’s no real consequences in dreams.

Once I had found myself in a web of lies I created and was faced with all of them, I decided the only was out was the permanent one.

I was checked into the psych ward- which in my opinion didn’t help at all, but that my town for ya- and thats when they checked my blood and found my liver levels completely out of wack.

This post is about mental health though.

I got better. Medications were given to help my medical bullshit, and my mental health. I fucking lived damn it.

I still face struggles with my mental health EVERY DAY but there are also way more good times. Im lucky to have a good support system- no matter how small it is.

My story of mental illnesses is unique, everyone’s is. But I’ve learned that even if the symptoms are invisible, it doesnt make your illness less valid.

You — yeah the one reading this. Youre so fucking amazing and valid. Your pronouns matter. Your state of mind matter. Please remember to take time to yourself and reach out for help. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved. The people that love you aren’t lying when they say they love you. Your opinions, your thoughts, your words- they all matter.

If anyone ever tells you that you dont matter from here on out- send them my way. Fuck them.

I know this blog is about me, but I just need the people reading this to know that they are so important. Youre here for a reason. Youre reading this for a reason.

Reach out if you or a person you know is struggling with their mental health.

Contact Us | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call 911, go to the nearest emergency room, call 1–800–273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center, or text MHA to 741741 at the Crisis Text Line.

Im ending this post here as I feel like any more would be a bit overwhelming. My next post will be a continuation of my story. Thank you guys for reading, I love you!!

dont hesitate to reach out and be my friend either!! Lets all support each other!

[autoimmunerach]

lil nas x is a true pop icon like we haven’t seen in years

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Well, that’s enough internet for me today.

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Pcos literally sucks so bad. I have insane cramps because i have a cyst and i want to sob. Like i feel like i have my period and i don’t.

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Youre not alone. Anyone here live with autoimmune hepatitis, pcos, or graves disease too?  Luv u

[autoimmunerach]

My PCOS Diagnosis

So lets start with the first diagnosis. I guess my first BIG diagnosis was PCOS.

I was around 15- I had always had pretty irregular periods but like- whatever. Thought nothing of it. I was dealing with more important matters- like who I wanted to date and weather or not my mom was going to let me have a sleepover with Jennie so we could stay up watching Skins.

Anyways- I was feeling icky and crampy but just figured my period was somewhere around the corner.

SOMEWHERE.

Never quite knew when or where it would strike.

But I was walking into my room and BAM. A cramp- or pain- that was so intense it literally brought me to my knees. My brain was like “This is it this is how we die. Death by cramp. I am leaving this earth.”

Spoiler: I didn’t die.

I did, however, boogie down to the hospital. I had some intrusive questions asked- didnt know that would be the day my mom found out I wasnt so innocent- and had ultrasounds done. And then waited for like ever.

Bingo bango, I’m not pregnant- which I knew anyways- and my appendix was in tact. So what the hell is going on?

CONGRATS!! YOURE THE WINNER OF AN OVARIAN CYST!!

Ok cool, take it back, I don’t want that. Also what the hell is an ovarian cyst?

I wont get into specifics here, but basically I had a growth on my ovary that I didnt invite.

The ER folks tell me not to worry and it will just go away. So my mom and I leave and think no more- Im fine right?

Wrong. Like so wrong.

My mom happened to run into my doctor the next day and- of course- told him everything. Because why not talk about your daughters ovaries in the middle of Lowes?

My doctor freaked out when she told him how big it was. I cant remember the exact size of this bad boy, but it was enough to make my doctor pre-schedule a surgery for that week in the middle of LITERALLY LOWES.

Imagine my surprise when my mom came home with THAT news. My first surgery was happening? No thank you.

Fast forward a few days, I get a cyst the size of a grapefruit taken out of my body- off my left ovary- and was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome- PCOS. The recovery was bogus because we didn’t know I was a little anemic so I bruised all the way up my abdomen and down my leg.

I stayed in bed for a week and binged Bobs Burgers and Brain Games on good old Netflix.

Then I started birth control and started- what I had no idea about at the time- my life long journey of taking pills every day. Not just the birth control but other supplements. I started getting more diagnoses over the next couple of years- but we can get into that later.

A good source about PCOS is Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development — NICHD (nih.gov) . Read up on it, it’s interesting. Also, chances are, you know someone with it.

“Worldwide, PCOS affects 6% to 10% of women, making it the most common endocrine disorder in women of childbearing age.” — 30 Interesting Facts About PCOS — PCOS Nutrition Center

I came to find out a lot of women in my life had actually had PCOS or know someone with it.

A common theme throughout this blog is going to be that YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT ILLNESSES SOMEONE HAS UNTIL THEY TELL YOU. There are many many MANY illnesses that aren’t talked about that impact a lot of people. And I have some of them. Lucky me, I know.

I’ll get into judging people before you know what they go through later. For now, do some reading on PCOS. I’ll be back.

Love u bb 💕

[autoimmunerach]

My Autoimmune Story

So I’m literally just going to post about my life here. Being immunocompromised is literally so annoying. Especially when you can barely spell the word. (Immuno-comp-ri? ro?-mised) Like sound it out, I guess.

So hi. Im Rachel. I’m 23 and in summer of 2017 I was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis and Graves disease. I had been previously diagnosed with PCOS when I was much younger. I also have depression, anxiety, OCD, and like a ton more. These illnesses have given me other illnesses and problems (thanks so much for bringing a gift, I suppose) and I have been looking for so long for people I can relate to.

People that won’t say “Wow oh my god youre like SO YOUNG.” “Youre way too young to have so many issues!” “Wow youre so strong.” (Gag me, Mary. I don’t want to be told I’m strong I want to not have all these p r o b l e m s).

I wish I had more people that understood what it’s genuinely like.

So then I figure, there’s gotta be more people out there with that thought too, right? WELL. Let me be your new best friend and we can all just vent together and understand each other. Living with (what feels like) 700 illnesses is bad enough. Might as well have company!

I’ll tell stories and vent and post life tragedies and funny stuff- everything. Because this is what it’s like to be immunocompromised IRL.

love u

FEEL FREE TO SEND ME ASKS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ON OR OFF THIS BLOG (i love anime and making friends wink wonk)