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01.16.2024 - The Night Before...

We're finally here. Not much has changed honestly from the last post - same few worries and curiosities. However I do feel a little bit more relaxed seeing as it's right around the corner. I don't know if we will have computer access there so this may very well be my last post until I get out... Which is when exactly? Well according to my lawyer there's the initial 21 day i.e. 30 day evaluation and report that will be sent to the judge. The judge will then make a decision as to what happens after. So inshallah I'll be out of there in 3 weeks time. However, it could extend beyond that. Allah knows best. There's not much else I want to say really. It's show time. bismillah.

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01.11.2024 - Ann Klein

So I found out a couple days ago that I'll finally be admitted to the state psychiatric hospital in Trenton known as "Ann Klein." We have been waiting for this for a while now - ever since I was officially sentenced "NGRI" I was told that I would also have to get an evaluation done at this hospital. That was around July 2023. It is now January 2024 and we finally have an actual admission date. There are a lot of impressions that I have going into this that I wanted to write down before I'm gone just so that I might be able to compare before and after: The fact that I am being sent to this hospital through the court system gives it an air of punishment. From what I've read in the handbook of the place it seems to me to be like any other mental hospital I might have been too. But that seems off. I imagine it being more secure. I imagine there being more aggression even seeing as a lot of the people here have been committed. My impression is that it occupies a space somewhere between a hospital and a prison. You're allowed to bring your own clothes. You get your own room. There are groups and visitation and all that. What I'm most dwelling on is the fact that doctors have a tendency to do what they think is best. In the last 5 years or so I've been on the following antipsychotics: - Invega injection - Prolixin - Zyprexa - Latuda - Abilify Currently I'm on Abilify 5mg and have been since August 2023 - 6 months. It has been the most tolerable so far. Invega was the worst. Zyprexa then after. Latuda was ok. But what exactly is going to happen with medications when I go there and after? I don't know.... I ask Allah to make things better. To remove from me these burdens. To allow me to live a vibrant life and serve him. To protect me as always from the harms of my own self and others. It's Thursday the 11th. I have to be at the hospital 10am Wednesday the 17th so... I'll definitely post at least once more before I go. bismillah.

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01.07.2024 - Jersey.

*sips tea* I'm back in Jersey. Just landed yesterday around noon. I haven't really felt like writing but this is a new day and a tumblr post can't hurt. My hair and beard are pretty long right now. Gonna get them cut and trimmed today. That's all I have planned really. I feel so "shut off" all the time. The fucking antipsychotic medication man. It just.... I don't want to do anything. Yea. I'm done. *drops mic*

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01.01.2024 - Monday January 1st 2024

 ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ Today marks the start of a new year. Whatever that truly means ( complete revolution around the sun as far as I know ). I wanted to make a post here in the "A Vague Notion" public blog rather than do another "daily txt session." I'm not about to make some hard and fast resolutions. However, I do feel like this year really is going to be defined as a year of major transition. As in rather than looking at 2024 to be a year where major milestones or goals are reached it's more of a preparation for 2025 and 2026. Things on my mind include: - more systematic study of the Quran and Arabic - dealing with the end of this court situation and solidifying my medication mixture - exercise. point blank period. walking, running, biking, weight lifting. Anything and everything. Just fucking do it. - Work inshallah. Like finding a job that I really can just chill and groove with, ya'know? And if it turns out that I really truly can't handle a job then pushing the disability application process to it's end. - minimizing my consumption of music... Yea. For the record: the start of December 2023 was when I began considering giving up listening to and creating music. I had a good few days but I couldn't keep it up. It somehow managed to come back up closer towards the middle and end of the month. So we could almost say that December was a false start. I'm not saying this is going to be easy or perfect. However, there is something very compelling about the idea of a life with more silence. When I listen to music now - for instance last night my mom and I were at Disney Springs and there were various performance stages - I can't help but get this feeling that there really is truth to it being haram. It seems like this kind of mesmerizing vain and futile thing. clapping and banging and endless repetition....

I could just be trying to justify the position. Whatever it all comes down to I am certain that this is line of inquiry is not going to close any time soon. I have been immersed in music most of my life and I also have pretty deep experience creating it. Whatever Allah wills will be. And there is a kind of covenant or prayer between me and Allah that he knows best regarding my involvement with music. All I can say for sure is I am trying to reduce the amount I consume. That is about as definitive a statement as I can say. I also want a bike.

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12.28.2023 - pillars of the forest

ASK ME NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR I KNOW NOT FROM WHENCE IT CAME SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST I CANNOT RECALL ITS NAME THE RAIN AND MIST IN DARKNESS ENVELOPES THIS EARTHEN PLANE VISIONS OF A HAUNTING CONSUME MY FRAGILE MIND ALL I KNOW FOR CERTAIN IS WHAT I TRAVELLED HERE TO FIND

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12.22.2023 - Rays of the Sun

bismillah. there is nothing left for me to write on this day as the steady ticking of this song passes away as does the day itself fade to black and the fact of the matter is there is nothing left for me to write on this day i hear them all telling me "go away" JUST GO AWAY!

there is nothing left for me to write upon this day i am the horror in the corner of the street murmuring please your honor spare some change the coins, the chains, the bars, the same everything I have ever known or seen learned the scholar come to be the mendicant and his bias to revert to be i can't even tell you what that means right now but I must remain steady the hi hat the ride snare crash and kick steady as she goes OM i have nothing left to write today my energies faded composed the text come what will might be next and i hate it this i truly do just keep writing blahblahblah this is what i fucking do and i might erase it before it's event sent away sent to who? sent to them send to you! do not ask me why the god on high who commands the things the fates the pluck and bend the strings the causal mechanism obeying their orders from the moment were delineated their borders so strange a thing structures and the existence of definable and tangible things matter anti matter the machines i hate it all of it this is warm up this is scratch this is steady written to the tracks the hi hat the ride snare crash kick divide and the song continues on so must i until i fucking die until i fucking die SO ASK ME NO MORE QUESTIONS I KNOW NOT FROM WHENCE IT CAME THE COMPOSITION MANIFEST IN THE STRUCTURE OF MY BRAIN AND THE MIND AS IT MIGHT BE PROPERLY KNOWN DIFFERENTIAL ENGINE THAT LONGS AND YEARNS and i have nothing left to write upon this day and i have nothing left to write upon this day and i have nothing left to write upon this day and now I shall go away. deltahalo mendicant machine scribe crica 2023 schizo trapped behind the screen the mars revolver and mars attacks that one kid with the axe [ song end ] [ length: 8 minutes ]

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12.22.2023 - whatever. write. meaning and structure.

and labyrinth form sun. Right. The thing is I love the idea of writing. I love the idea of sitting and composing words and evoking imagery and metaphor and meaning and all that. I even like the idea of end rhymes and other kinds of poetic structure. The problem is that when I begin the process I am disheartened. Everything to blame is because of the antipsychotic. My life is ruined because of the antipsychotic drugs. It is truly because of antipsychotics that I cannot handle the process of writing in its fullness and that my intellect and sensory capacities are all in various states of ruin. And so I write. With "Rays of the Sun" by OM blasting in my ears. Because.... forgive me: altered in the substrate by neural mechanism and judgement that has sealed my fate at present and upon this date I in my inner prison have endeavored to convey a glimpse of what has occurred since the dawning of the invasion the process of taxation the systematic elimination of humanity upon this sphere and my ficticious malady never seems to disappear what with the crescent and the crucifix and all the horror in between circa 2023 as I stare upon the screen composing in my lucid liquid crystal dream the epic poem. i am the bard. i am reminded that this shit is hard. it is i who longs to remain unseen and yet have the meaning conveyed to you incoherent I intend not to confuse you i know not what to do forgive me: for my entire body down to the fingertips has conspired and demanded to compose this elliptical tangent latin ascii scheme what I want to say is beyond me the words they must align they harmonize with the passage of the metronome keeping time meaning and structure

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12.20.2023 - boredom

yea. that antipsychotic feeling. don't know what to do with myself. I used to have so many hobbies: - math - physics - music - writing - drawing - video editing and probably some others I can't think of right now. and I just... I can't explain it, I don't have that intrinsic desire to complete something or work on things. I write. I managed to force myself to get up and come to the computer and write.... and even that is fading. I'm just holding on. Day by day. I have the hospital to look forward to. Maybe they can help me there? Ya Allah.

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12.19.2023 - Session

[ time: 2:22pm ] Umm... So having this web presence " themarsrevolver.com " feels like I have a sort of digital base and flag waving that can gain traffic and what not. It's like a hidden outpost that anyone around the world can visit. The computer terminal is this agnostic machinery that allows me to access this global network and to update things relevant to my base. I don't know... I just like that. Reminds me of this instagram post I made long ago: https://www.instagram.com/p/CIhAC2PhWna/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

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12.19.2023 - florida

yup. just a post to post for today. I'm actually on my way to the grocery store to get chicken salad for lunch. Gonna make some toasted chicken salad and mozzarella cheese sandwiches. The band "Archspire" has been on repeat play for me. Specifically the album "Relentless Mutation" and more specifically the song "Remote Tumour Seeker" But yea. I don't have much to write right now. Spoke to dad on the phone, he's still dealing with all the logistics of Egyptian bureaucracy. peace.

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12.18.2023 - the manitoba scroll wheel conjecture continues.

So. I'm with mom in Florida. Got here Saturday ( 12.16.2023 ) night. Had a little turbulence due to some bad weather as we neared Orlando. Nothing major. Got stuck at the runway for almost an hour because of delays though. But it's now Monday the 18th. Got up for fajr with mom and she went to work. She has a full shift today and tomorrow and then starts her Christmas vacation. So I'm just sitting in the apartment listening to music like "what the hell should I do?" That feeling. The antipsychotic feeling. As if I am being restrained from within my cells. That vegetative lack of motivation. I can think of things to do. But I don't have that capacity to turn the idea into an impulse and an action. There is little joy in the action. I don't want to do anything. I mean I WANT TO DO A LOT but.... So I thought. "Get up and go write" whatever comes out comes out. And so I'm listening to a remix of a Clams Casino song called "I'm God" ( arael. remix). It reminds me a lot of a period while I was still direct messaging Aubrey Plaza on instagram - before the great block update. What am I doing here? Like. What is the purpose of my existence? What am I supposed to be doing, if anything? I have some clues from the Quran. I'm not saying they are dissatisfying answers. It's just. Like aside from the 5 prayers today. What else should I do? Is keeping this blog i.e. writing this post part of my purpose? I'm going to make that cauliflower pizza for lunch. Is that it? The end of this post? What else do I want or have to write? Is the fact that I don't write nearly as often because of the antipsychotic numbness? I think so. You won. You people calmed me down. I have acknowledged defeat. There is something intrinsically wrong with me that needs correction. Ann Klein I await you. Fuck with my pills. Keep me locked away. Push it even farther than it has gone. It doesn't matter. I want to escape this. There is a prison in my cells. The end. Oh yea - the band Archspire is dope.

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12.13.2023 - *sigh*

yea... it's going. Went with dad to the airport this morning. Just printed the medical forms for Anne Klein. Next is my primary to fill this out. I'm a bit apprehensive about this one part with all these medical examinations. I just want to get on the plane and fly to mom? I don't know. Being home knowing dad isn't around makes me feel off. Inshallah everything will go smoothly. later!

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12.12.2023 - dad

My tea is too hot to do the customary *sips tea* but.... *sips tea* Dad is getting ready to fly to Egypt tomorrow. His plane leaves at 12 so we'll be getting up around 8:30am just to make sure he has about 2 hours before departure. I'm not going to really get into what he's going to be doing there because it's kind of family related and too personal for this journal. It has to do with Grandpa's house though. Anyway, on top of that I have a physical scheduled with my primary as requested by Mr. Rennie and Anne Klein. The problem is he hasn't sent me the forms that need to be filled out, hopefully he'll have them sent to me before the appointment inshallah. If not I suppose it's not the end of the world. Once that's taken care of and I have some refills on my medication then I should be ready to visit mom for a week or so. Inshallah khayr. Ya allah make it all pass with ease. Ameen.

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12.11.2023 - court

Yup. Another court appointment today. Some progress has been made regarding my case. I've already been found NGRI ( not guilty by reason of insanity ) that happened a few months back. Now I await admission into a state hospital known as "Anne Klein" where I will be evaluated for being a danger to the community and what have you. Right now I need to get a physical examination done and submitted to the hospital and then I may possibly be admitted someone - who knows when - in January. I'm not afraid. There was a time where I dreaded the idea, but I feel safer now and I don't imagine it being any worse than places I have been. My only concern is some doctor decides to start changing my medication and I have to suffer the side effects. I do have hope that there may actually even be an improvement in my medication treatment. How long I'll be there remains unclear. For certain 1 month at minimum, but it may extend up to 6 months with reviews and even longer should that arise. Dad is getting ready to go to Egypt ( 12.13.2023 ) and I'll hopefully be visiting mom in Florida one last time before this Anne Klein business takes place. It's going to be interesting. Billy's pilgrimage continues on. ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ

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12.09.2023 - 8:11pm

damn so I've actually been hyping up this post in my mind for the last half hour or so. I popped my night pills - doxepin sleep aid included. I made some hibiscus tea. *sips tea* I put nothing in it. Just hot water and the hibiscus tea bag. I didn't want to artificially tamper with the sanctity of this moment. I also gave some thought to the music I want to play, at this moment there is none playing. My "The Mars Volta" hoodie came in the mail yesterday and I slept in it to break it in. Something is telling me that it's a Mars Volta kind of night. *sips tea* Not only did all that happen, but I did some good writing in my offline archive. There is a lot I write that I don't post here mainly because of it's more experimental nature. But writing is writing.... and with that 2 things 1. It's either between "Day of the Baphomet," "Tetragrammaton," or "Ouroborous" ...... Tetragrammaton. That one riff. 2. To write?

At present there are an estimated 8,045,311,447 people on the face of the earth. That's man, woman, elderly, adult, teenage, and child. That's every spoken and written language - english being the most widely used.

Quite the audience you could say. That's not including all future generations for as long as the text remains extant. Exponentially multiplying the potential audience.

And I'm doing what exactly? I am endeavoring to convince them all, as many as I can, that it would be wise to acknowledge Allah and Muhammad. To stand, bow, and prostrate in ritual prayer 5 times a day. And to pay the holy alms tax.

There is more of course. But that is succinct enough. It's the methodology that makes the novel what it is. It's not an explicit invitation to the religion with clear and concise commandments or what have you. It's a fictional drama that conveys the teaching as it is lived and experienced. Some of the characters are practicing muslims some aren't. But… If they aren't, what are they? What else do people believe? And what of the aliens we have yet to encounter? Does the scale of the cosmic realm and the possibility of humanity being alone factor into the equation?

Yes. That is indeed what I am doing. So when I share fragments of writing it is only because I believe the person or persons being addressed would appreciate a glimpse of where things are.

But there are roughly 8 billion possible humans being addressed right now.

Humbling. *sips tea* Tetragrammaton begins. Atonal rhythmic brilliance. All hail Cedric Bixler-Zavala!

Let it be clear - the reason "The Mars Revolver" is my music project's name is heavily due to the existence of "The Mars Volta." They're one of those bands that just occupies a very special status. I want to be conflated with them. *sips tea* and the book... and the family tree... and dinner... and god... and fate and choice... and the voices... and all and all ----------

p.s. the tea finished right as the song ended. [ time: 8:34 pm ]

The song looped. Just to be exhaustive and experimental I am going to listen it once more intently to be certain there is nothing else I want to add to this post. The song is 16min and 40 seconds.

bismillah.

[ time: 8:45 pm ] The song is at 12 minutes.

Anyway, "The Zakat Mechanism" led to: Zakat as a Poverty Reduction Mechanism Among the Muslim Community: Case Study of Bangladesh, Malaysia, and Indonesia [ time: 8:50pm ] Done.

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12.08.2023 - I'm talking to you.

10:50pm Who am I writing all of this to? This horrid book that I've started and keep mentioning to everyone, who is going to read it? Will I ever meet you? Will you ever write back to me? I'm talking to you! Yes. You! The reader. Where, when, who, how are you? What age do you exist in. By what unimaginable means did my writing reach you? I may be long gone already. But I am still here now. And I am writing to you. I want to know who you are. It is getting late as evinced by the time. Yet, I do not want to sleep. I have this song on repeat "Velasquez" by Trail. I want to write. I don't know what I want to write. I don't even know who will read it other than myself, Allah, and perhaps some angels and jinn. Do jinn read? Yes. You. Who are you?