averagemook

[averagemook]

Somebody did with this Dr Crane once.

It never happened again after we all saw Crane use the new batch of fear toxin he’d been creating, on the guy.

Yet another reason why the Henchperson’s Handbook includes the line, “Don’t use memes on your boss”

my husband has this image saved for whenever i grow distant

[averagemook]

If you’re close enough with your boss, you work security and get to hear some juicy stuff.

batman’s rogues definitely have a monthly get together where they just drink and gossip. joker is banned for life

[averagemook]

I agree, the kiddies are all really nice when ya meet em.

you physically cannot make me hate any of the robins. they are all litol guys and i love them dearly and i will defend each and every one. they are all so special to me

[averagemook]

Mook Explains:

Henchperson-ing

So, you wanna be a henchperson huh? Alright, lemme explain some basics.

Finding a Position

So finding a position as a henchperson is dependent on where you live/where you want to work.

If you’re living in a small rural town, you’re likely not gonna find any villains (super or otherwise) able to pay you for your services. So you’re next best bet is going to the big cities that people associate with having lots of bad guys, the two biggest and most common options for you are Gotham or New York. Both have their upsides and both have their downsides. I will explain both as best I could, but please understand that I didn’t do a lot of work in New York.

(OOC: I don’t know Marvel as well as I know DC)

First up, Gotham

Gotham

Pros

Living there is dirt cheap

Work is plentiful

When you’re boss gets caught by one of the Bats you can be sure they’ll get out by the end of next week

Some of the Bats are willing to let you drop your guns and run if you don’t wanna fight them

Goon Union, Goonion as it is known by the henchpeople there, is well formed and well put together

You’re boss’ antics will probably be entertaining to say the least

Cons

Gotham is a shithole

Good bosses are not plentiful

The Bats will hospitalize you if they’re in a bad mood and also potentially leave you with psychological trauma

Most of your bosses will hate you if you ditch your position out fear of the Bats

Some of the guys offering you jobs are depraved, deranged, murderous, psychopathic, scum-of-the-earth types.

Joker

Summary:

New York

Now the thing here is, I haven’t done as many jobs in NYC as I have in Gotham. My last job in New York saw an alien people try to start their conquest of Earth by attacking New York City, and I had to go find shelter and wait out the invasion.

I can give you one pro and one con about New York.

Pro

The pay is really really good, like a lot better than what you’d get in Gotham

Con

Gotham is relatively the safest city. It has not-super supervillains and it has vigilantes to protect the city in case of really bad danger, and the supervillains will not tolerate outside villains from another city or planet, this makes Gotham less likely for an alien invasion to strike the city.

NEW YORK IS FULL OF SUPERS AND THEY ATTRACT MANY DANGERS.

This is the half the reason why the pay is higher, the other half is rent sucks in NY.

Vigilantes

Gotham

In Gotham you will primarily have the Bats. Most of them are nice folks, despite Red Hood’s open carrying he only kills when he feels it’s justified, also he runs his own gang so he respects henchpeople.

You gotta watch out for The Bat. He is not nice when by himself and especially not around when Red Hood is celebrating his “anniversary”, we don’t know what it’s an anniversary of, but Batman gets really quiet and really angry around the time it happens.

Now there is something you gotta watch out for with The Bat’s kids, under no circumstances do you attempt to kill them. Batman is fair game, he’s experienced enough that you have to fight like you’re gonna kill him, but you never will because he is Batman, and you are the hired help. But the kids? No, absolutely not.

Fighting The Bat’s kids is okay, they beat on you, you beat on them, it’s all fair game. But if they end up on the ground or they’re really hurting, you back off. And there’s a very simple reason why.

If they feel like they are going to die, they will call out “Dad!”, and it will be, over, period. You will be eating out of a straw when you wake up.

TLDR: You will not defeat Batman, and if you know what’s good for you, you will not try to kill his kids.

New York

New York basically has two types of heroes.

Neighborhood and International

From what little firsthand knowledge I understand of New York. You better hope to god you get the Neighborhood types, because it means your boss typically isn’t a really big threat, and you better pray you get Spider-Man, because if you get a guy like Punisher, run.

Neighborhood types are guys like the aforementioned Spider-Man (nice guy btw I bought him a deli sandwich once out of respect), Powerman, Iron Fist, Daredevil

If you get an International type, you may just fucking die. Whether it’s because your boss is deranged, or the superhero doesn’t have time to give a shit about the hired helps’ lives.

Internationals are the fucking Avengers. If you see the Avengers while on the job, cry because you accidentally picked a job with a really bad villain.

Villains

I‘ll probably cover villains extensively another time, but all you need to understand is this.

Gotham villains are typically nutcases, but you do not piss them off really badly or they will hurt you, they do however respect the Goonion and it demands. As such, they can’t just hurt you because they feel like (Fun Fact: Two-Face originally flipped a coin to listen to Goonion, he didn’t and had to re-flip when we refused to do any work for him), Joker does not care for the rules and killed his guys when they tried pushing Goonion rules, he also upped his payments as enticement but I don’t recommend it. However there are cases that the Goonion will not protect you from, ditching is not one, neither is seriously jobbing it on a job.

In New York, villains also fall into the two categories of Neighborhood and International.

Neighborhood types don’t typically hire help as they lack the funds to do so, and International types tend to be pure evil.

All you need to understand is that if you hear the words “Hail Hydra” you run as fast as you can, because you will be hunted by Shield if you work for Hydra and Shield Agents have the authority to kill you, also you will stop being liked by normal people, because as history says, Hydra was an offshoot of the Nazis and they’re fucking scum-of-the-earth, and while I don’t know much about Hydra other than that, I don’t wanna get involved in that crowd ever.

Alright. I think that covers it. Aside from working in cities without heroes or villains, biggest thing you gotta worry about in those situations are the typical pigs, and the occasional hard-boiled/grizzled/no-nonsense detective. Though both possibilities will probably kill you.

This has been Mook. Have a nice day.

[averagemook]

I don’t think I’d wish this even on my worst boss

[averagemook]

Yeah, you gotta be careful about dat sometimes, really depends on the temperament of your boss dat day. It nearly happened to my buddy Tom for dis supervillain type, the Undertaker what called himself. If you ask me, Tom shoulda taken one look at the name on the job offer and moved on.

thinking about the time my instacart shopper got Cask of Amontillado’ed

[averagemook]

My buddy Jerry kept doing this with his boss, real nice food too, we’re talkin the upper crust kinda food.

Yeah, Jerry now sleeps with the fishes at the aquarium. He’s a night guard.

getting fired from my position as the emperor’s food tester because I keep taking too large of bites

[averagemook]

Oh, pinned post I guess.

Hi, I’m mook.

I’m a cisgender (he/him, though I do like crossdressing) pansexual.

Hate is stupid, period. Unless if you’re a jackass who’s smashed my face in before in the pursuit of one of my employers, then I hate you

If I think of anything else I’ll add it here.

[averagemook]

Just got fired from my last job as a henchman, so I have a lot more free time on my hands.