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Lulu and Spud 🥔

Lulu is no longer suffering and she’s in a better place now. Spud is still here, fighting, and trying to maintain being healthy. Spud has no playmate anymore 😔

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Praying is so powerful to me. Whenever I pray and talk to God, I always feel relieved. These past few weeks had been tough for me. I was lost and I’ve been stressing a lot about things (even the small ones). I get irritated so often that I’m at the point of verbally hurting all the people that I love and cared about. All I get to say is “sorry” to them but I still feel accountable.

There has been a lot in my mind lately. Lulu (our dog) died, my Grandparents (Mama and Papa) is not feeling well, my parents are fighting, schoolworks, household chores, Spud (our dog) has parasite in his blood, and ofcourse applying for visa to go to Europe. All this has occupied my head and that’s all I can think about.

I have been talking a lot to my boyfriend. I tell him everything and sometimes I just blabbed for an hour straight and not asking him if I’m taking up too much of his time. He’s a very busy guy, he studies a lot and spends more time with his family and friend whenever he gets the chance. We’re in a long-distance relationship so mainly we only talk on Skype or call on Whatsapp. It’s selfish of me to keep him inside his room and just talk to me on his computer. He has a life and even though it makes me jealous that he could get to spend his time with his friends and family, I always think that hopefully we would be together soon, and then I try not to think about it.

I prayed that hopefully everything will get better soon. I’ve been asking and praying for the application of visa to be approved once I applied this month so I could be with my boyfriend. I miss him terribly. Hopefully, the borders will be lifted and I could get to be with him. It’s hard not being with someone intimately. I regret not giving him enough attention when we we’re together six months ago. Since my classes are being held online, this is an opportunity for us to be together without any limits.

I know God has plans for me, for all the things I’m worrying about now. Talking, reaching out to him makes my faith grow even stronger. I’m still a confused-kid. I don’t know anything, I’m scared of everything, and therefore I trust in Him... with all my heart and soul.

September 21, 2020

01:12

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Idk what to do.

There are days that I just wanted to share all my thoughts and ideas to one person and one person only. Unfortunately, that person is already been distant and never understood the concept on why he’s the only one I’m talking to. I’ve tried talking to others but at the end of the day he’s just my best friend and my so-called “boyfriend”. I have been so patient dealing all of his sentiments, rants and even if he’s at his lowest – I’m there. But he’s never there for me.

I told him he should return the favor of being there for me as well. I’m in my lowest point these past few days and apparently he isn’t available for me. I got mad one night and suddenly he blame me for being problematic. He stated that if I have a problem, I should’ve just deal with it on my own and not include him. That struck me deeply. It hurts. All those things he said to me felt like I’m a nobody to him. 

I don’t know what I should do. I have no one else to talk to. This isn’t something I should tell my friends because it’s too personal for me. Instead, I’ll just write down all my feelings, it makes me calm when I’m putting it all out there. 

September 16, 2020 - 21:28

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Saud Beach ❤️

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hello! please watch my youtube video!! help ya girl out!!!

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A day with my bestie ❤️

July 26, 2019

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Day well spent with my bff ✌️

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I did my make up.

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Hello please watch my vlog!!!

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Dactyl ❤️

Lab 1.

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🌟 Best Friend 🌟

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October 31, 2018

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Where have I been?

It’s been more than a year since I’ve been keeping my life private. I wanted to figure out where I’m going, I wanted to explore myself and learn different things from different people. I went out of my comfort zone to reach a level of satisfaction where I’ve been longing for, for years. This time, I’d be opening up more and I’ll let people into my life again. I can’t stay indoors waiting for a miracle that I’d be motivated to become who I was before. I’m a different person now, I’ve learned through my mistakes and I’ll forever go on to my journey of finding out what I want and who I want to be in the future.  8:11pm...  I’m currently in my bed, writing, thinking of possibilities of what I should do. As of now I’m in a dilemma of going to the gym or just eat donuts and watch Netflix. I was waiting for my Mom, turns out she won’t be here in Baguio any minute now. I have no one to talk to at the moment! My boyfriend has a paramedic shift and my friends I think they’re busy.  One more month and it’s gonna be summer break. I don’t want to go back home to Manila due to the fact that I’m enjoying my alone time here in Baguio where I could stay in bed and talk to my boyfriend anytime. Also, the gym and the mall is only walking distance unlike in Manila (Taguig), I had to commute or take the jeep and trike. I wanted to go on a vacation but I can’t afford it. I’m saving up money for my future – I know it’s kinda early for this, but I truly wanted to save up for my future – going to Europe and travelling the world! I have enough savings that will last me for 5 years but that’s not enough, I’m also saving up money from the allowance my parents is giving me so I could give it to them in the future. Yes, for me, money is an issue. There could be a lot of stuff to be used and bought by money, if used wisely.  In a few days it’s my boyfriend and I’s anniversary. I’m a little bit worried because he doesn’t want anything on our special day. I asked him tons of times what he wanted but his answer is always “baby time” or I should fly there to Europe this summer so we could be together. It’s not easy to just go there since there’s a lot of documentation and application process to do for a visa in order to be able to fly there. It’s just that, I don’t have much time doing those. I wanted to go there when I have a degree so there’s something I could be proud of my self. I came from a third world country, meaning I’ll be discriminated, I don’t want that to happen to me therefore I should just focus on my studies and be determined to have a title so no one can bring me down! I promise to myself that this time, I’ll be something everyone will be proud of – especially the love of my life. 

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I can’t believe that’s it’s still happening. Need I say more? My heart was broken since last christmas. It’s hard to remember honestly I wanted to get over it because it’s not something so glamorous like my life. I want to get rid of the fact that i’ll be just someone on the corner. Someone who won’t be notice in a large crowd - and that crowd is the whole world. I’m I disposable? I’m i really that ugly? I’m a someone’s second choice? The real question is, would I let myself be one?

Stop this nonsense. This isn’t you! Be strong. Wait. Patience will lead you to the right way, the right man who will treat you right. You deserve everything, you deserve the world.

I saw the story of someone I knew in high school. And she shared a cute photo of her and Him. My crush, my ultimate crush. He’s the guy that I’ve been gushing since forever. I took the opportunity (whenever there is) to talk to him. Yes, I am a self proclaimed assuming girl you can think of. It feels like he’s been there forever even if we only talked for minutes. I’ll always treasure that. Our conversation even if it’s only on Facebook. At least I tried to give an effort to try. But I guess he’ll never like me the way I like him. He’ll never see me as someone who really cares and will love him dearly. I hope he’s happy he toyed with my feelings again. Yes, It’s almost been 2 months but I couldn’t let go. I know I’m still young and should be enjoying life. Maybe all of this is just an infatuation. I’ve already moved on, there are still bits of pieces in my mind that needs clarification. As long as he’s alive, I’ll care…even if he can’t see me as a priority.

12:47am 

Feb. 10, 2018

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