bagaluten-sys

[bagaluten-sys]

Okay, I wanna have reliable and thorough information about my suspected disorder so I understand it better

"400 pages long text in my second language aimed at professionals with a lot of knowledge"

Okay, something easier, maybe?

"Here we have a website made by an OSDD-1 system themselves"

Kay, support the effort but im scared of misinformation so maybe something by professionals?

"Got ya, here some very basic info from a clinic."

Okayyy, but I already know that.

"Go to redd-"

NO

[bagaluten-sys]

Cleaning our drafts #1

(cw, discussion of sexual activities, not explicit)

Im so talking out of a place of not knowing anything abt this topic, but I was thinking like....shouldn't teens have a space to explore their sexual side and figure things out beyond the heteronormative- and scientific- oriantated bio class?

Cause, I really don't know anything abt this discourse, but like...restricting older teens from any sexual content feels off? Like all our lifes is partially on social media in some way. So if they cant reach any sexual spaces that are for people under 18 ... those minors will join spaces where adults interact sexually and thats like not good? Nu-uh. No good. Thats a recipe of explotation, ephebophilia and power inbalance.

Idk, what I wanna say is: teens should be able to have a safe space to explore their sexual side without having to enter literal adult spaces for that. Does anybody know what I mean? Is this discourse a thing? Can I read up on this topic somewhere?

[bagaluten-sys]

If anybody asks me why I feel like me being a suspected system makes answering the questions of my psychiatrist almost impossible:

"...Both"

[bagaluten-sys]

(Cw childhood abuse)

My favorite thing to do as an EP is watching videos of bad mothers and people reacting to it, calling it abuse and asking if cps will be involved while I start to realize it's not normal and that I can indeed call my Mom an abuser. Nice. I guess. Like ... good to know.

[bagaluten-sys]

Sometimes I ask myself where the whole "im mentally ill so I cant do any wrong" discourse comes from bc me and my friends (and the majority of mentally ill people) would never use our illness/disability as an excuse for constant hurtful behaviour – who would even do that? .... and then I look at my Mom.

(Tw for the next part)

"I just hit you bc I was overwhelmed and was in a tough spot" -Mom to me

"If you want to be with me, [stepdad], you have to accept that im ill and treat you like this and lash out." -Mom to Dad

How about no? Where's the confidence from, bro, youre just a bad person that likes controlling and screaming at us, tf? Go to therapy. (For context: she never apologized and the screaming and hitting was a regular thing and her being rude still is a regular occurance. She also does not have a pd or any disorder that is characterized by being impulsive).

[bagaluten-sys]

We did it.

[bagaluten-sys]

(CW: crimes, vent)

Disclaimer: not gloryfying crimes, take your meds, kids

Nobody talks about having a criminal past and then just sitting around at home. Im healing and all, but I miss the drill. I miss dancing drunk at night in bars where only teens hang, riding my bike at night with a knife in my pocket, sneaking out the window, smoking, taking and saying what I want - having the time of my life and knowing more then I should know.

Sure, it wasnt great, but I miss being able to do what I want and to feel special. The constant adrenaline and fun. It's like a double life with people like me. And nobody even really knows I used to do that stuff. I know im supposed to say it was a troubled and hard youth, but it was easier back then. For me, not for my system. I know I cant do it anymore, juvie and our future and stuff, but I wish I could go back. /🛹

[bagaluten-sys]

I got a ban warning on TikTok, bc I saw a video abt Trump and in the comments somebody said "yall are wishing death upon somebodys father :/" and i replied "The father that wants to fuck his daughter ?"

No regrets.

[bagaluten-sys]

"Reddit users, what is something the weird kid did to get called the weird kid?"

And then it's just textbook examples of teens with autism, cptsd, a cluster B pd or on the schizospec.

[bagaluten-sys]

I started reading the haunted self and am already crying on the literally first page (tap for quality, ID is below):

[ID: The first chapter of the haunted self, highlighted are the following words: "Their suffering essentially relates to a terrifying and painful past that haunts them. Even when survivors attempt to hide their distress beneath a façade of normality—a common strategy—therapists often feel besieged by those patients’ many symptoms and serious pain. Small wonder that many survivors of chronic traumatization have seen several therapists with little if any gains, and that quite a few have been labeled as untreatable or resistant." End ID]

Heavy on the last sentence. Important read tho.

Source: https://docdro.id/arPAtHT

[bagaluten-sys]

"I'm reading the game in the first half" I say while I silently sit by the new friend group to asses what I can and cant say around them.

[bagaluten-sys]

Apparently thinking that almost every human being is pathetic and complementing if im a demigod isn't a healthy way of coping with trauma. I mean I feel better with it, but, okay /j....hj

-Melinko

[bagaluten-sys]

(CW Vent)

When youre the "angry alter" but a song hits just right and your chest hurts and you just pathetically sob on the ground begging for idekw to finally safe you as if you arent on your own.

[bagaluten-sys]

(Small vent)

The thing about my depression is that crying in my room being stuck here, while having dreams I want to achieve, hurts way more then crying in my room, while not having dreams or goals I want to achieve. Giving up hurts less to me. Giving in is so much more bareable sometimes. I don't even have a choice most of the time.

[bagaluten-sys]

Me: "I have ODD (and cptsd) btw"

Staff: "We will be mindful of that, don't worry"

Also staff:

"Lay down the phone rn"

"Sit down"

"Breath"

"You should eat more, immedietly"

"Don't say stuff like that"

"I'm a doctor I don't need to ask before I touch you"

Honeslty, why make it worse? Every bone in my body is screaming, do they even know what ODD is? Can I please scream my lungs out? I will need days to relax afterwards again. It's fine if you don't know the disorder, but they act like they are so nice and accessible and then act surprised or annoyed when they arent and I'm tense, fidgety, hostile, apathetic or scared.

[bagaluten-sys]

Anybody else be looking at pics from when you were like fourteen (14) and notice you had the worst time of your life, but, damn, you were so much cooler back then? (Also face reveal for my like 60 follower ig):

This was me during a random phone call in, bro was going through it but looked cool imo

[bagaluten-sys]

CraigXTweek WIP that my Mom called "unproportional" and "not very good" (I'm a Teen and dont like her, so idgaf) :D