bambiparts444 - Tumblr blog

[bambiparts444]

my new blog is babydolly444 <3

[bambiparts444]

i’ll probably just make my primary blog into my new tc blog but still keep this one up as an archive

[bambiparts444]

how the hell do i make this blog my primary blog??? apparently i haven’t been liking posts with this blog??

[bambiparts444]

i’m trying to sleep but i am kinda struggling. i keep thinking about S. tomorrow is monday, and he always dresses in nicer clothes on mondays. i wanna see him again. it has only been a week, but it felt likre forever. i wonder if he missed me. i want to look nice for him tomorrow.

[bambiparts444]

i dreamt about S last night. the whole dream was quite hazy.

i was at the pool and he happened to be there. he kept looking at me, like how he does. some time passed and I found myself in an apartment, in this dream, it was "his" apartment. he wasn't wearing anything and i was in some sort of bathrobe, that i slowly took off. that's the most i can remember. the rest is unimportant. though the dream did end with me shopping for rice cakes.

[bambiparts444]

i havent been to school in about a week. I've been breaking out. i don't even feel like leaving my house. it feels like nobody would notice if I would just disappear. i wonder is S misses me. im sure he does. he's the only one who ever notices.

[bambiparts444]

oh yeah that friendship is over for good. i heard it’s pretty normal to have big fights with ur friends senior year. idk how im gonna make it through another semester. i just wanna go to college.

[bambiparts444]

reached out to the two ex best friends.

personally, i think that it’s expected to be worried about someone shit talking you behind your back.

and personally, i think they’re acting like i went and killed a kitten with the way they deflected blame and demonized me.

am i crazy???

[bambiparts444]

AND i forgot my FUCKING earbuds at home. AND my phone is on 20% but at least i brought my charger with me after RUNNING back home to get them. other girls my age have a car. other girls my age aren’t scared shitless to drive. ugh

[bambiparts444]

i was crying this morning because of these red ass spots on my face and my mom gave me bb cream but it’s slightly too dark for me and it looks fucking cakey and i feel like the loneliest girl in the world and i fucking wish i was home today. i’m so hyperaware of the product weighing down on my face and of my thighs in these leggings. i have nobody to talk to at school except my fuckass tc. i wanna die.

[bambiparts444]

i want to fade away out of existence. i hate my thighs. i hate the fact that i’m breaking out right now. i usually don’t. if i starve enough maybe i’ll fade away and everyone will forget about me.

[bambiparts444]

day 2 of being back from winter break. he keeps locking eyes with me. its wild. when I lock eyes with him, I tell myself that in order for that to happen, he would need to be looking at me in the first place.

i have early release during 4th period this semester, so if I have to stay after school for extracurriculars, I sometimes stay in his classroom. today, I didn't, since I was working with another one of my teachers on ap calc stuff. she had to leave to cover a class, so I was by myself working in the library. i thought maybe I should to see him, but I didn't want to seem strange.

i heard the library door open and i turned around. it was him. he smiled at me, and I waved. I'm not exactly sure why he came. the librarian wasn't here today, so you'd think hed just go back to his classroom. it didn't seem like he had any business to do in the library.

he came to chat with me about crime and punishment (the book, you naughty reader), and then he sat down at a table in my line of sight to sip coffee and read whatever book he was reading.

i couldn't help but notice how much I was stumbling over my own words, and tripping over my own feet. I'm never like that, but his mere presence turns me into a different person. i don't know. i find myself more demure around him. maybe I just have been that way lately.

i havent really been talking much to other people, ever since the incident happened with my two (ex) best friends. one texted in the group chat asking if we are just never going to talk again. i saw it but didn't respond. the other asked me this morning if I had seen the text. i said that I hadn't, and then pretended to check my phone. i said nothing more.

i want him to know me. i like him, and even if he doesn't romantically like me, I would at least want to build a school-appropriate relationship with him where we discuss academic topics. i at least want him to know that I'm not just some silly girl, who doesn't talk to anyone, who gets nervous and embarrassingly clumsy talking to him.

im overthinking it all. of course, i know I am. but, the i have the feeling of wondering if maybe he did notice how nervous i am around him. i wonder if he has picked up on my liking towards him. if he did, and he wasn't receptive, then he wouldn't be stopping to stay in the library after seeing that i was there. and he certainly wouldn't be sitting in my line of sight, looking up at me every so often.

i'll ask to stay in his classroom again tomorrow if I don't second-guess myself. this would all be so easier if he initiated conversations with me. if he just invited me to stay with him. if he just decided that he loved me right there and made a move on me. i wouldn't stop him.

[bambiparts444]

i miss him :/

[bambiparts444]

ugh i want break to be over i miss S so bad

[bambiparts444]

i wanna go out for a damn coffee with him.

[bambiparts444]

borrowed his copy of crime and punishment from him two days ago, so i’ve been reading it. argued with my friends yesterday so i spent my free 4th period alone. it was in S’s classroom. he had some errands to run in town, so i was by myself for most of the time. he let me stay there by myself even though teachers aren’t supposed to let students be by themselves in their room. it’s him subconsciously telling me that he can bend the rules for me, and it’s me subconsciously telling him that i can keep a secret. i caught him staring at me so many times today in class. and he was kinda lingering by my desk at the beginning of class to chat with me. i can’t get enough of him. it’s just too bad he had to do stuff, so i didn’t really get as much time with him alone today as i wanted. next time im alone with him, he’ll get to know me much better. i already know a few tidbits about him. i’ll tell him about my poetry. maybe i’ll ask him to play chess with me too, if he’s not too busy of course.

today was actually really shitty though. and so was yesterday. arguing with your best friends feels horrible, especially when when can’t understand, instead acting like ur the most horrible person ever. i won’t get into details, though. they completely ignored me. they wouldn’t even look me in the eye. all because i was upset yesterday about something one of them did. you’d think that with their reaction, i’d have done something way worse. whatever. my mom never liked them to begin with. my mom somehow knows whenever a friend of mine isn’t genuine. but without them, i feel so lonely at school. that’s alright, though. whatever. i won’t see any of these people again in 6 months, except S i hope. after i graduate we wouldn’t have to be so secretive.

[bambiparts444]

he wasn’t at school today either. got me dressing cute for nothing.