bear-ble-blog

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Katy Perry Effect

“ 'Cause you're hot then you're cold

You're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out

You're up then you're down”

Bear with me… here it goes

“You're wrong when it's right

It's black and it's white

We fight, we break up

We kiss, we make up”

(Lyrics curtesy of Lyricfind)

This is what its like being happy and living with major depressive disorder. This is a difficult concept to explain. While feeling blissful, the birds are chirping, the sun is in the sky, not a cloud to be seen. Your life feels perfect! And yet there’s this feeling ever so faint on a good day. Something like that time you got black jacks on your clothing and there was that one; that somehow managed to make it into your pants through the fabric and scratch you. But it only scratches you every now and then and you can’t find it. So even when nothing is scratching you, you are actively anticipating your leg being scratched. Now this doesn’t mean that I think depression is brought on by knowing you have depression.

This is a simple illustration on how annoying it can be to know that you have it. Now on days that I’m depressed I do feel sad and lonely, but there are days that I am perfectly happy but still feel the tugging from the depression below.

With depression there are days that feel totally okay. You can manage the day and even take on a challenging task or three but there are other days when it feels like your being water boarded, naked in sand in the middle of the hottest desert in the world. Also there is a crowd of 300 watching and it is being live streamed on YouTube.

Sometimes we need a little extra love and more understanding than we feel we deserve.

Cynthia

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Live and let live

Life is for the living and the dead can't preach.

Sometimes when we get caught up in life we forget to enjoy the little things; or we forget to make time for ourselves. My life is in a lull at the moment, in a sort of transition between here and I’m not sure where. Forgive me, I am in that weird mid-twenties ‘what the hell is going on with my life’ phase. Well relaxing a bit and taking the time to work through a few issues and getting my meds right has been nice… I’m dying of boredom. Sister, its time for you to call your horse back and get with the living!

So I did what any sane writer would do, I started this page. but I need a little more sustenance, some zing, a little tequila with my melon (If that’s not a thing yet, it should be)!

Daniel and I are moving to a bigger place so I’ve tried getting all enthusiastic about throw cushions and the color of the bathroom towels we cant afford. Yet even that was only a temporary buzz to the all time high of life. I’ve even gotten back into gyming, granted its been literally 2 days but I’m all for the smoothies and sweating till you look like you’ve been hiking for five hours straight without a rest or water. Still, something is amiss .

My newest solution is to try and be allowed to exercise with a team for some or other sport. Ill let you know if anything materializes.

In the mean time though I guess I’ll have to focus on the real task at hand… my three university subjects, finishing this year and finally becoming a productive member of society. With middle class poverty just around the corner I guess I should enjoy the time I have off.

Cynthia

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Sorry for being human.

Sometimes we forget that we are simply flawed human beings. This morning I was sitting on the couch eating the most gorgeous Thai curry. It had a creamy coconut sauce, red and green chilli’s in and it was over the perfect bed of white rice. This food was good, I paired it with a rare treat; a movie. I was watching Spiderman homecoming while my boy friend was in the shower. (I don’t watch many movies as I had used movies as an unhealthy coping or rather having not to cope mechanism in the past, but I really wanted to watch Spiderman; homecoming, for a while).

Now before I carry on with this story you need to understand what my boyfriend (Husband… what!?) means to me. We have been together for over a year, and he has helped me in so many ways and he is the most supportive and loving man I could have ever have asked for.

Suddenly I realised that I had munched through an entire helping of curry, half of which was supposed to be shared with Daniel. I stopped eating and paused the movie hurriedly. A lump formed in my throat and the tears were just under the surface. How could I have been so stupid? So damn selfish?!

I ran and plucked open the freezer, a bad idea in a flat as small as ours, what was I going to make that was better than that curry? Frantically searching, shit he’s almost out the shower, bacon… um there’s pork chops… whom I kidding, there’s nothing better than that curry that I can make right now. “Okay” I say to myself “he’ll just have to settle for peanut butter and oats”. Gross I know be he actually enjoys it, I promise guys…

I whip up the replacement meal. Now all I have to do is break the news.

“Handsome”; I call sheepishly from the kitchen (I still feel like I want to cry but not a damn tear will break through my eye lid). Yes he says. I walk to the door, his face is half covered in shaving cream and I start nervously giggling. “I accidently ate all the curry but I made you peanut butter and oats”. He looks shocked then gives a little chuckle and says its okay.

Later he asks if I’m okay because I’m sniffing. I laugh and say it must be karmic justice for eating all the curry.

Sometimes we’re so afraid of being human that we forget that we are just that, human. Our anxieties and stress gets exasperated by our own brain and insecurity. On days like this we just need to breath and trust that the people who love us will give us a bit of room for error. Nobody expect ourselves actually expects us to be perfect.

So take a deep breath, and don’t feel too guilty for eating thee last bit of left overs.

Toodles,

Cynthia.

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Introduction to my Blog

To some mental health is something they don’t often think about, to others, like me; mental health is like trying to build a house of cards in a moving vehicle. And While being on several pills for both anxiety and depression may seem extreme and odd to the majority of you. Those of us who are part of this particular group are all too aware of our little helpers in the form of a capsule.

Well introductions are in order. Hi my name is Cynthia and this blog is for those fascinated and perplexed by mental illness. Its for those spouses who want perspective and those of us who suffer from mental illness.

Anyone who has been dealing with mental illness for a while will know that it is not a simple one dimensional problem. In my opinion there are three main categories that help people deal with mental illness. Firstly there is the therapy part, this may include psychologists, psychiatrists, meds and even things like acupuncture or even art. The second category is exercise and the third – weather we like it or not is diet.

While this blog will focus on a bit of all three, there will be a focus on food and exercise. In my opinion anyone not functioning ‘properly’ or anyone struggling with day to day tasks that are expected or living a healthy fulfilling life can benefit from focusing on their mental health. This includes issues such as anxiety, obesity and even using negative coping mechanisms like using illegal drugs or even smoking cigarettes.

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