beingtransgenderisnotachoice - Tumblr blog

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

It’s four am in the morning, I lie in bed, sleepless. Images and thoughts flash before my eyes as emotions rage inside of me. The only question every image and every thought leads to is “why”? Every emotions flows into a feeling of betrayal and hurt. How could she? Why did she? was that all there...

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Suicidal?

I hardly remember to write ever. But to all trans and gender non comforming people who are suicidal: Keep going, take it one day at a time, just one day. Because your struggles, your hardships and your endurance. Might turn out to be inspiration to others who want to give in. Who wants to kill themselves. Yes I know it's hard, I know from being alone 24/7 for several years. I know going on to the next day is some times the hardest thing in the world. But things do change, because life is fluid. I learnt the other day that a friend of mine always thinks of my struggles when he is suicidal. Who looks up to my preseverance. Does this mean I'm not still suicidal at times, like I used to be 24/7? No, I am still suicidal more often than I'd like to admit. But it warms a little knowing that my struggles have kept someone else alive. So keep going, for yourself and for others. You won't know the future if you don't dare try it.

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

It's funny how a medical letter telling you that you should get a Cervical Screening can be so depressing. Thanks for reminding me just why I hate my body so much... It's probably well meaning... but yeah -_-

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

4 Months HRT

Or just four months really. Time moves too slow these days. I've had some changes thus far from hormones and I guess the most prominent one is my heavy mood swings... Tiresome for me and my partner seeing it kind of bleeds into things even though I am aware of it. Physical changes are also something I have been experiencing, yet it's a slow going. I've had a itsy bitsy tiny amount of breast tissue growth, but not really anything noticable for others than me, the things that have been really noticable is skin changes and fat distribution. Never really had an ounce of fat on me due to high metabolism, my metabolism remains high, yet I have gained some on my thighs, butt and upper arms n.n which makes me happy. On my stomache I have basicallynothing, but it looks smoother due to diminishing muscle definition underneath. The most noticable change that shows testosterone is diminishing must be body hair / scalp hair though. I had some male pattern balding, just slight in front and it's obviously filling inn again, hope that when the hair grows more I might have fuller hair too. Wouldn't complain about a bit more volume... Also body hair has changed a lot. It grows a hell of a lot slower and the biggest indication of change is that the pubic hair area has shrunk to half the size it had and seems to not be done shrinking justyet, the hair I had on my stomache is more or less gone and my hands are a lot less hairy. Same with my butt... Thighs also seems to be losing hair... God I was hairy.. But now it seems I'll lose most of it : o and quite rapidly too! Just hope my breast growth will take off soon because that part really bothers me. But despite still being dysphoric, especially about my genitals, I've never felt this good about my body! AND THAT SAYS A LOT! Because I still hate it :b

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Who here is fed up being transgender, fed up feeling like you're stuck in the middle?

I know some of you say it will get better, and it might. But right now, me and others are just equally fed up with inbetween bodies that seems to never change. So who here is with me, who here is fed up? Mtf or Ftm doesn't matter. Give a shout if you feel stuck!

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

I feel like I'm at a stand still progression wise, have to wait another week to get my blood reults back to see if my hormones have kept on the right level or if they've dropped. Also I am really sexually frustrated.. I have mastrubated some, just because the doctor said it's a good idea to upkeep sexual function if possible, especially if I want srs later on. But it does not really give me any sexual relief for more than a second at most, because it just... Feels.. Soooo awkward. So weird.. Can't describe it, guess this is why people justsay itfeels wrong. best description. asdf, worried about my hormone levels x3 asdf

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Transgender?

To look down the length of your own body, your own flesh and blood and feel so disloacted from the reality of your physicalform that you feel physically sick, is not something most people get. You can try to compare it to things like eating disorders etc, but it is not the same at all. I have parts of my body that I never liked, like a scar or a messed up joint.. Weird knee angle... Yet that is more superficial. Because being transgender, is not about trying to necessarily be pretty I simply, can't wrap my head around what I still have between my legs... I have had it for over twenty years... Not one second in twenty years, have I felt like it really is a part of me. It's like a tumor, something that simply shouldn't be there. Of course that affects me socially and affects how I view gender roles, but that is not due to the construct of gender roles, but simply due to the construct of my own body. If you who are not transgender woke up one day with a huge tumor covering half your face, and you personally found that tumor repulsive.. It would affect your social interactions. Just as it does for people who are injured in a way that breaks their own bodyimage appart and they spiral into depression... In a lot of cases this lead to suicide. With being transgender, for me personally and I would say for many others, it's not simply something we can learn to cope with either... Believe me, I tried... I never wanted to be transgender... I tried so hard for so many years to not be, to just become comfortable with my body. But I never could, I spiraled out of control instead... Ended up alone, depressed and socially inapt. My anxiety still affecting me, even though it's not even half of what it used to be. When I see pictures of genetalia, especially the female genetalia seeing I am mtf, it is like a knife in the gut, because I do not know how to respond emotionally. Because my body is just so wrong, in so many ways. I have given up on my body being the way it should be, I'll never be able to have children, despite having wanted them since I was 11, I'll never have my period or teenage years with mixed memories. Because I sat alone, I just could not do it. That part of my life is gone. I will never be a "normal" woman as I always felt I should have been. Just like mtf will never be a "normal" man. But that does not mean we are not men and women, we just... Got the short straw from natures side. Like people who are born with defects which makes them unable to have children ever. They are men and women, and so... Are we. Dysphoria kills you from the inside, it builds for years and years until it gets too much. I started HRT three and a half months ago... I struggled for years to get it due to a difficult health system, impossible health system. Now I am in another health system who could take it away. So please, I implore of you, do not shame us, do not make things harder than what they already are. Trust me, we are our own personal worst critics, nothing you say will criticize us more than what we do ourself. All I want, all I dear hope for is to one day have my GRS surgery, to one day look down my body, or look at it in the mirror and not want to tear my skin appart. To have a feeling of agreement and normality between my mind and my physical features... That is all I want. I don't know if people will ever find me pretty, my voice will never be ideal and I'll most likely always dislike some of the things the wrong hormone did to my body. But if I just can look down and recognise something, rather than nothing. That would be my world. I might never get there though, the grs surgeries cost more than I have had any idea of how to get, but I'll try to get there, because I have no other option. So, don't hate us, we do that enough ourselves. Don't pity us (we do that enough ourselves too). Just don't actively make it harder than it already is, we are no more threat to you, than any other person in this world.

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Seriously, how am I supposed to afford grs when I've been a year on hrt... Seems impossible x3 So fed up with this thing

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

I'm such a mess. So lonely...

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Am I the only one?

I know I keep writing it and that is probably is bothersome to see. Yet.. The inate dysphoric frustration is the most common feeling I have these days. Looking down on my body, seeing what I see. I started hormones around three and a half month ago, and there have been some changes, even though nothing that major.. Yet I already feel that the changes are a step in the right direction... Which puts in perspective how much my body has bothered me and still do. This constant frustration is tiresome! The thing...Between my legs...Are NOTHING but a bother. Tired

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Dysphoric shit -_-

Some times I wonde how guys can live with bodies like this and that thing between your leg. Guess I am biased, but it is sooooooo uncomfortable. So dysphoric, just want it gone -_- But it costs so much.... Seriously, how?

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Facebook?

I see people planning to come out or planning to come out on facebook and has strategies and notions of how it's supposed to be done. I however.... Just came out to my parents and shortly after on facebook to everyone there (did delete a few of the people there first though). Yeh, it's probably a good idea to have a plan as to how to do it. For me though? I just couldn't stand how I felt anymore at all, so for me, it was all or nothing from the getgo

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Shouldn't... I mean... Technically... Action Figures are dolls too. Think it's just a way to cater to an insecure male population. I mean, breast growth in men and women are basically the same thing, just depends on when it starts and if you hade a male puberty on forehand or not. Yet it is called something different when it happens to men. A different term and people are carefull about calling it by its correct term and state that it is male breast growth... It's just breast growth period. Seems part of the male society needs a confidence boost so that they do not step on others to feel better.

7482) I hate how my preferred childhood toys seemed to have an affect on my parents inclination to believe me. Who the fuck cares if I preferred action figures over dolls? Why does the toys I played with over a decade ago matter now? And why does liking action figures automatically equal male, and liking dolls equal female?? Sigh.

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Sodysphoric. Did life drawing today... The model, well she was pretty... But yeah, seeing her for hours on end just triggered mydysphoria reminding me how uncomfortable I am in my ownbody, with my own body shape and my genetalia. I wish it wasn't this way... Wish I could be like her (not necessarily a life drawing model)... Be comfortable with what's between my legs, be comfortable with just being, not without picking on your own looks, everyone seems to do that.. Just not dysphoria and disgust of my own body. The feeling of just being.. Wrong. Hormones still hasn't done much. Yet I can not complain on what they seem to do with some of my male pattern baldness (it wasn't that bad really, but bothered me nevertheless to the extreme). But some hair seem to returnreally well and I haven't hit my three month mark on hrt. Obvious blond hair filling inn, or obvious if you look for it at least :b Guess when it comes to HRT I am just impatient... Three months are not a long time and too short time for many to really experience breast growth I guess... Have breast buds that are quite obvious though.

[beingtransgenderisnotachoice]

Hromones Hormones Slowmones

Does not seem to happen that much breast wise lately, but then again I still haven't even been on hormones for three months yet. Although that is soon. I have breast budding, quite obviously so.But I think I might just be impatient. So fed up with my chest being like this. Body hair has changed some though. 1) it grows slower 2) it is lessening, especially on butt and arms sofar, also hands. 3) noticed that my pubic hair area is shrinking and the line of hair from the pubic area to my navel is changing. In otherwords I basicly has some ofthe same hairgrowth just around the navel(underneath it), but then between that area and my pubic area there are suddenly quite a lot less growth, which makes me happy. Especially if that continues. Hope the hair on my thighs and legs change more soon too, 4) Nasal hair (believe itor not) is lessening. especially close to the opening of the nostrils, and that makes me happy. 5) on the top of my head it's hard to see changes. I have some male pattern baldness, and on one side that seems like it might disappear completely, but on the other side there aren't that much sign ofchange. So I'll just have to wait and see D: But things are happening. Just hope I can get more breastgrowth soon, so I can be more free in what clothing I wear and not constantly wear innlays x3