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big-homo-23-blog · 5 years

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My story

Hi, so I am Chase. I have dealt with many things in life and I have decided to share my story. (TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm and suicide)

2015/2016- 7th grade, I don't have many friends. I’ve begun to wear things that aren’t me. I’ve always been a “tomboy.” My hair was always tied up, I wore nothing but ratty t-shirts and basketball shorts... but not anymore. I’m now straightening my hair, wearing fancy clothes to school, even putting on makeup. I’ve never felt less myself. But this is how girls get the boys to like them, right? I did want the boys attention... right? (Spoiler alert, no). So, as the year went on I became less authentic and still didn’t have friends. This is when the sadness came. The end of the year rolls around and suddenly I’m overcome with such depression I can’t function properly. I don’t have any friends to ask for help so I confide in my teacher, trusting her to keep my secret. I stop eating, get more sad. eventually, worse gets to worse and the self-harm begins. I don’t directly tell my teacher, I drop hints, but she catches on. She tells my parents and I am faced for the first time, but not the last, of having to deal with the ignorance of my mother.

2016/2017- The summer leading into 8th was not a pleasant one. self harm continued and the sad feelings only got worse. Suicidal thoughts crept into my head but I hastily pushed them away... I wasn’t THAT sad, right? My parents thought I was “better,” whatever that means, I hadn’t told them that I was still hurting myself or that the thoughts were getting worse. School finally starts up and I give up on trying to “fit in” This is when things get dark. No, literally, the amount of eyeliner made me look like a fucking racoon. Welcome to the Black Parade-- I mean Welcome to the Emo Phase. The clothes got darker, the eyeliner got heavier, and the music got louder. Here I was, blaring Panic! at the Disco songs in my headphones and miserably walking down the packed hallways. At least with all this scary makeup people stayed out of my way. The year begins with me still having zero friends but I was determined to change that. First day of school I stand on my desk and perform a poem I wrote in front of the entire class (Spoiler #2, I join theatre) Now that i’m slightly out of my shell and people know I wont stab them with an eyeliner pencil I start to gain more friends. However, this doesn't make the sadness go away. I still am faced with constant existential fear and not feeling any more authentic than I did last year. I knew why but dear lord I was afraid to tell people... Oh what the hell, I have nothing to lose. A 12 inch haircut later and boom: I come out... Sort of. I come out as bisexual.

2017/2018- HIghschool: the land of assholes and bad smells... and of bad smelling assholes. This was a new terrain, a chance to start over and be myself. At this point everyone knew I liked girls, even that one girl in the back of my English class who always stared at me for some reason. We will come back to her. The adventure begins and I surprisingly have friends! Of course you can’t have everything in life so I was still majorly depressed. woo. The self harm hadn’t stopped either. school turned out to not be as exciting as I thought it would be. As a freshman I was at the bottom of the food chain, fresh meat. Life was just as miserable as before. Well, until HER. remember the girl from the back of my class, yeah this is where she come into the story. little did I know that there were other gays in our little hick town. turns out this girl had a crush on me. One thing led to another and BAM, I landed myself a girlfriend. This was the happiest I had ever been. The self harm began to space out until it was almost non-existent, all because of her. I came out as Non-binary, shortened my name and started going by they/them. life was great. And although the fact that I wasn’t hurting myself was good, the fact that I was depending on her to be my only reason to stay alive was not good. especially when she started doing the same thing with me. we were so clung to each other that even a moment not texting, or calling, or face to face talking we were both miserable. Eventually the other person wasn't enough to provide the other with 100% happiness. She tried to kill herself.

2018/2019- Sophomore year begins, my relationship was deteriorating and I had no way of fixing it. She was in the psych hospital, I didn’t know when she was coming home. her parents were blaming this on me. I hated myself even more because I thought SHE hated me. Finally she came home, except she wasn’t allowed to talk to me (cause her parents are literally insane). Of course this did not do anything except fuel this self hatred and in October of 2018 I made an attempt on my life. Let me just say, overdosing sucks. I was high as hell but jesus Christ that headache was the worst thing. After literally 8 hours of being in the hospital and many blood tests later the conclusion was that I was going to be fine... except now I had to go to a psych hospital. About an hour away is where the place was. I of course was scared shitless. I had nothing but the pair of hospital scrubs I was wearing. The first day I said nothing to anyone, I sat alone with my arms pressed to my body to A) hide my cuts and B) I had no deodorant and I wasn’t about to be known as the smelly chick. There was quite the assortment of folks there. the youngest girl was 10 and the oldest person was a boy who was 17 I think. Slowly I started talking and eating, I got clothes (and deodorant) and I even started making friends. maybe it wasn’t going to be too bad here after all. As I adapted and began to feel comfortable and somewhat happy-ish even, my time there was coming to an end. I stayed there 7 days before being thrown back into the real world. My body decided to greet me with a panic attack on the first day back, yayyy. Now that I was home I was hooked on the idea of finding her and thinking that we would magically get back together. I was wrong. She hated me now, and I mean absolutely LOATHED me. She said that I abused her and was manipulative, and if you know me then you know that’s perhaps the last thing I would do in a relationship. I LOVED her. not anymore, though. Now we were caught in a battle of “who can say the shittiest thing about the other behind their back” This of course was not smart, given that we both were pretty fucking unstable and I hurt myself yet again. But now I actually met people who I liked and helped me through it. I am grateful for them. they helped me be comfortable with myself. The school year ends.

Present Day- It is summer now, I just publicly came out as ftm transgender. It didn’t go too hot with the family. I had a relapse in self harm, but im managing. I haven't attempted suicide since October and I’m working on myself and trying to feel/look like the most me that I can. If anyone needs someone to talk to, I’m here. I hope this has helped someone.

#lgbt #selfharm #suicide #highschool #pride #depression #transgender #lesbian #bisexual #love #breakup

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