bitterkarella - Tumblr blog

[bitterkarella]

[bitterkarella]

Identifying furries by their fursonas

Fox- this is the default fursona for the default furry, namely a twink with a blown out fucked to death asshole

Vixen- Girl fox referred to as a vixen is an egg, girl fox just referred to as a fox is an out trans woman

Kistune - the same as above but weeb flavor

he-wolf - a greasy guy who weighs 12 pounds soaking wet and wears a fedora. republican.

she-wolf - the butchest bull dyke you ever saw

coyote - manic depressive. always on something. the drug connection at any furry party

Cat- always a woman

black cat - could be any gender but always goth

kitten/kitty - a trans sex worker, has an only fans they really want you to know about.

bobcat - older dude. wants people to think he's ex-military

Jaguar - an older black guy. will probably have the word "black" in his fursona's name

lion - just a huge asshole

tiger - another asshole. old. wants you to believe he's ex military or ex-police, probably a member of the dorsai irregulars. major grill dad vibes

jackal - a huge asshole and a slut. white gay racist, probably transphobic

cougar - either a trans woman or a terf. there's no in between

Horse - white woman who identifies as 2 Spirit or a guy who wants to be stomped on

Pony - gay nazi

unicorn - either the absolute gayest dude you can be or a 9 year old girl. sometimes a late in life transition

Tanuki - latino

badger - either a huge lesbian or an old avuncular straight guy. possible sex pest

Raccoon - nature's greatest mistake. too normie to be furry, too furry to be normie. dilf.

bat - either a goth or a real annoying shit (some overlap). invader zim fanboy. doesn't drink alcohol but claims to act crazy on "sugar highs." definitely has dabbled in webcomics

cow - a woman. maternal. mom friend or mommy dom. milf. possibly trans femme

steer - a big strong fat rough trade gay guy

sheep - mom vibes

pretty much any farm animal - mom vibes

domestic pig - wild card. might be a wet and messy fetish thing tho or a trash eating thing. loves to be stinky. loves to talk about being stinky.

wild pig - trans masc

skunk - either a fat beardy guy who has a tumblr blog about animation squash & stretch or a stoner gal. very straight. the straightest. a kinsey 0. has strong feelings about what the fandom used to be like before there were all these kids in it.

rat - is a huge asshole as a front, probably likes talking cigars

lemur - autistic

sloth - 420 blaze it. will never finish any commissions

chakat - an older cishet man who thinks the fandom is too political & refers to "anime" as "japanimation"

sergel - nazi

citra - the biggest dipshit you've ever met

procyon - furry equivalent of the thomas jefferson miku binder pic. you should not be talking to this person, this is a literal child

weasel - a girl with cluster b personality disorders

ferret - a person who has at least one pet ferret, but probably many

mole - this person thinks they're in a beatrix potter story

guinea pig/chinchilla/jerboa/gerbil/any kind of fat rodent you can keep as a pet - the sweetest person you will ever meet

armadillo/pangolin/anteater/aardvark - smug, contrarian. "i just wanna be different"

mouse - vore fetishist, prey. sub.

hyena - vore fetishist, pred. probably trans masc

otter - a dommy twink, possible enby

bear - gay

panda - absolutely a white person pretending to be asian. probably running a gofund me scam with a suspicious story about how they're a professional nintendo gamer who injured their hand or something

bullfrog - a huge fat hairy straight guy

any other frog - inflation or rubber fetishist

axolotl/newt/salamander - genderfluid enby

rabbit - trad wife trans woman

squirrel - autistic and gay

deer - gay

gazelle - zootopia megafan

monkey - punk DIY artist type, definitely loves weed

ape - absolutely baffling. nothing this person does or says makes any sense. you will be left wondering whether you're speaking to a child, a person with severe mental issues, or someone who doesn't have english as a first language

elephant - mom friend

hippo - a fat fetishist or a transformation fetishist

rhino - an older cishet dude who wants to project a curmudgeonly yet approachable aura

kangaroo - definitely not an australian person. extremely focused kinkster, usually feet or inflation. more STDs than should be possible to carry

koala - an asian woman

virginia opossum - anarchist/communist punk trans man who makes zines and/or comics

australian possum - just here to have fun. wants everyone else to be having fun too. wacky funster. (sugar gliders and flying squirrels fall under this category)

any other marsupial - poser

monotremes - extreme poser, don't even bother

doberman- gay dude who tops from the bottom or a cop (there is some overlap)

german shepherd - a nazi or a cop (there is substantial overlap). definitely a furry raider. he will wear his cop uniform to con and after con will post videos pretending that someone was rude to him

afghan - arch femme

basset hound - racist

puppy - sub, probably an egg. extremely draining. cries a lot

all other dogs - just dudes being bros (gender neutral)

dragon - the furries of furries. like to talk about eating "sammiches" and "chocklit." probably an adult baby lifestyler. they will send DMs that just say "hi." they like to RP and when they contact you about a potential commission they are actually just trying to trick you into RP

griffin - the same as above but also a brony

snake - sissy hypno fetishist

turtle - an old man, probably southern. an ironic grandpa.

other scalies - furry in denial. either a child or an old person from CYD. the world's last something awful goons

any fursona with latino vibes - white

any fursona with asian vibes - latino

any fursona with native american vibes - eastern european

avian - girl who's not like other girls. hippie. vegan.

raven/crow - agender voidgoth

chicken - mom vibes

dinosaur - the absolute biggest nerd. probably has an actual degree in paleontology. definitely dresses like miss frizzle.

any invertebrate - not a real furry, their girlfriend just made them get a furaffinity account before they could get ass. either that or they've never even heard of furry, they just came up with the idea of anthropomorphics from first principles. a biology teacher or weirdo (there is some overlap)

amoeba - this is a troll

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: The Magician

W. Somerset Maugham: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the magician Maugham: so there's this evil magician Aleister Crowley: hell yeah Maugham: and he totally blew the big game against McKinley High Crowley: hey Crowley: hey wait a minute

Maugham: anyway this magician in my story? he really sucks Crowley: what are you trying to pull here, man? you making fun of me? Crowley: I'm the great beast! THE GREAT BEAST!!! Crowley: DO WHAT THOU WILT!! Crowley: I'LL STICK YOU IN A LOCKER, NERDLINGER! Maugham: come at me bro

Maugham: c'mon bro Maugham: do it Crowley: Crowley: naw i uh Crowley: i wouldn't want to bruise my punching arm Crowley: right before the big game Crowley: coach says i gotta stay prime

Maugham: also this magician kicks a dog Koontz: what?! no! Koontz: you didn't really kick a dog did you aleister? Crowley: alright that is IT Crowley: this nerd is going DOWN!!

Crowley: whatever, this story sucks anyway Crowley: it's totally just plagiarized Crowley: totally plagiarized from Crowley: Crowley: something, probably Crowley: Crowley: i'm gonna post that call-out

Maugham: yeah this magician just totally choked in the final play, couldn't even score a touch down Crowley: hey wait a second! Crowley: is this story making fun of me?! Barker: oh why would anyone make fun of you, aleister? Barker: you in your big pyramid hat

Crowley: what's wrong with my pyramid hat?! Barker: oh no nothing it's great, you definitely look super cool Crowley: my hat is COOL Crowley: this nerd is TOAST! Leah Hirsig: no babe don't do it he's not worth it Crowley: sorry babe i gotta pound this nerd Crowley: NOBODY MESSES WITH THE GREAT BEAST!

Barker: oo we're all real scared Poe: clive don't provoke him Barker: yeah i'm so scared Barker: so scared of aleister and his big pyramid hat Crowley: [angrily] this is the hat of a man who pulls massive amounts of pussy!!!

Crowley: I get laid ALL the time! Barker: sure pal Crowley: like, SO MANY scarlet women Barker: right Crowley: CHICKS DIG THE PYRAMID HAT! Barker: sure they do Crowley: I Crowley: SHUT UP Crowley: I'LL PUT YOU IN A LOCKER!

Crowley: I'M THE GREAT BEAST! Crowley: girls can't get enough of the pyramid hat! Barker: oh yeah? name two Crowley: well there's leah here Barker: uh huh Crowley: and Crowley: Barker: and? Crowley: SHUT UP i'm thinking

Crowley: there's Victor Neuburg Barker: Barker: victor neuburg huh? Crowley: no i mean Barker: didn't know you had it in you Crowley: it's not like that Barker: sure Crowley: i only fucked him to manifest thoth in a thelemite ritual Crowley: it's not like i like him or anything

[bitterkarella]

the rest of this blog post is about the chicago cubs but these first two paragraphs are extremely powerful

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Imagination

Neil Gaiman: [inhaling fresh morning air] ahhhh what a great day for a race! Clive Barker: what race? Gaiman: the HUMAN race Gaiman: i was just thinking of the awesome potential of the human mind Gaiman: and the limitless vista of the human imagination

Gaiman: just imagine! with the awesome power of imagination, YOU are in control of your own fantasies Gaiman: all you need is a pinch of curiosity, a dash of wonder Gaiman: and an ounce of whimsy!! Gaiman: butterfly in the skyyyy Gaiman: i can fly twice as hiiiigh

Gaiman: why, you could imagine anything! Gaiman: you could imagine a clockwork alligator as big as the sky! Gaiman: you could imagine a railroad conductor made of lemon drops! Gaiman: you could even imagine Gaiman: a boy who wears glasses and goes to a wizard school

Rowling: hello children Rowling: my lawyersss inform me there'sss some copyright infringement happening here Gaiman: ah but joanne Gaiman: if you check the time stamps, i'm sure you'll find that Tim Hunter actually PREDATES harry potter Rowling: Rowling: curssse you gaiman Rowling: you win thisss round

Rowling: curssse you gaiman Rowling: not even i am rich enough to overcome the limitsss of chronological time! Rowling: not yet Rowling: but sssomeday Rowling: if only i hadn't ssspent sso much on that fence

Alan Moore: [appearing in a clap of thunder] Behold! The Arch magus! King: the arch magus! Koontz: the arch magus! Lovecraft: the arch magus! Barker: the arch magus! Poe: the arch magus!

Alan Moore: behold! the story of the boy wizard antichrist! Rowling: ALRIGHT i can definitely sssue over this Moore: ah foolish mortal, observe and know... i never specifically SAID harry potter Rowling: Moore: i just said the boy wizard named [mumbles] who goes to school at [mumbles] school of witchcraft and wizardry and fights [mumbles]

Rowling: curse you moore! Rowling: alwayssss one ssstep ahead of the game! Rowling: curssse your plausssible deniability! Rowling: hmmm "plaussible deniability" huh? Rowling: well TWO can play that game...

Rowling: so anyway the nazis didn't actually commit those documented crimes King: gosh joanne that uh kinda sounds- Rowling: oh but you'll notice i never said the word "holocaust" Rowling: haha i'm too sslippery for you! Rowling: johnny law can't keep up! Rowling: they'll never catch JK Rowling with her molted ssskin around her anklesss!

[bitterkarella]

[bitterkarella]

everyone should watch "Century of the Self"

Everyone talks shit abt Sigmund Freud (justified) but not enough hatred for his fuckass shithead nephew Edward Bernays who I'd time travel back to beat the fuck out of if I could

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Child Actors

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss? Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!!

Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul? Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss! Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess

Rowling: i mean, if they apologized i would not accept it Rowling: in fact, let me show you how it would play out Rowling: pretend that daniel radcliffe isss sssitting in this empty chair and i'll show you what i'd sssay to him

Rowling: sso daniel, emma we meet again Rowling: you might think you are allowed to have independent thoughtsss but you forget Rowling: your contract sspecifiess that i own you BOTH, body & ssoul, FOREVER Radcliffe: i don't think it says that Watson: yeah that doesn't sound right

Rowling: oh you don't do you?? well then just take a look at Rowling: uhhh Rowling: [rifling through papers] Rowling: i know that claussse is in here sssomewhere

Rowling: what the hell??? thisss contract says NOTHING about perpetual ownership of harry potter actorss! Rowling: how isss thisss possssible??? Rowling: get my lawyer on the phone, they are ssso fired

Rowling: ugh this contract is worthless!! i don't even get perpetual ownership of miriam margolyes! Rowling: you've won thisss round, children Rowling: BUT Rowling: i will fight you on the internet Rowling: it will be a cold day in hell before JK Rowling logsss off

Daniel Radcliffe: trans rights are human rights JK Rowling: ssoundss like ssomething a male predator would sssay Emma Watson: trans rights are human rights Rowling: sounds like ssomething that a confused female would ssay

Rowling: foolish child, we've just commissioned a sstudy that says child actorss brainss don't mature until 21 sso you're not allowed to have opinionss Radcliffe: i'm 34 Rowling: [hastily amending study] did i say 21, i meant 34

Rowling: i'm very concerned about the prosspect of irreverssible damage if former child actorss are allowed to have opinionss, so i'm lobbying the government with my billionss of dollarss to make that illegal Rowling: for their own good, of courssse

Rowling: i mean, emma & daniel might SSAY that they're autonamouss beingss capable of forming their own opinions Rowling: but why should we believe them? Rowling: also i heard there was a former child actor who committed a crime once Rowling: think about it

[bitterkarella]

Exposing fascist cartoonist/propagandist Han Kristian "StoneToss" Graebener.

[bitterkarella]

who is this goddess????

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Trucks and Dolls

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: the time of our ultimate triumph issss at hand Rowling: the cassss report says girlss play with dollsss and boyss play with truckss Rowling: finally! sssomeone sssaid it!

Rowling: lisssten to these incredible findingsss Rowling: "it is difficult to guess a person's gender based solely on their height and no other info" Rowling: ok i'm not really ssure what that meanss Rowling: but the conclusssion that transss people should be illegal is obviouss

Rowling: [reading paper] this casss report provesss the ssscientific, indisssputable fact that Rowling: biologically ssspeaking Rowling: girlss play with dollsss and boyss play with truckss Rowling: because of Rowling: [squinting at paper] hormones

Rowling: uh Rowling: ok ssso that's what it sssaysss here Rowling: that sseemss kind of Rowling: Rowling: well Rowling: i guesss that's what we're going with now Rowling: yes actually Rowling: the more i think about it Rowling: the more obviouss and rational thiss ssoundss to me

Jesse Singal: but mommy Singal: what if a girl doesn't want to play with a doll or a boy doesn't want to play with a truck Rowling: oh we will MAKE them want to play

Rowling: every boy WILL play with truckss, every girl WILL play with dollss Rowling: thank god we can count on our government to make thiss a national priority Rowling: instead of that sssilly raw sssewage on beachess issssue

Rowling: i will sssee a britain ressstored to perfect immutable divission between men and women where NEVER the twain shall meet Rowling: and i will persssonally burn EVERY copy of Marlo Thomassss' Free to be You and Me

Rowling: really jesse i'm surprised at you Rowling: a boy who doesn't want to play with trucks wouldn't be a boy Singal: i thought our line was that sex was genitals Rowling: OH MY GOD jesse at least TRY to keep up Rowling: it's about trucks now

Rowling: or Rowling: as we call them here in britain Rowling: lorries

Helen Joyce: dark lord dark lord i have a question Rowling: i'm not talking to you right now Joyce: Rowling: you embarrasssssed usss Rowling: you embarrasssssed usss all Rowling: you had one job, helen! one job!

Rowling: you were ssssupposssed to be vetted as an expert in trans! how do you fail that? Rowling: i mean for god'sss ssake Rowling: how did the australianss figure out you were jussst making shit up? Joyce: i don't know! Joyce: i really did think trans people laid eggs!

[bitterkarella]

[bitterkarella]

THEYRE GONNA PUSH KOSA THROUGH SENATE APRIL 8TH

EVERYTHING IS IN THE HOUSE’S HANDS

BOTH BIDEN AND SENATE SUPPORT THIS BILL

Please call/email/fax your house reps and tell them to say no to this bill.

PLEASE CALL THEM TOMORROW CUZ MONDAY IS THE DAY WHEN THE SENATE IS WORKING

[bitterkarella]

Funny thing about this is, yes, this comic is clearly wrong about the poem, which is not textually about how Poe loved ravens, the poem's narrator obviously does not like the raven. HOWEVER, apparently Poe was inspired to write the poem at least in part because he met Charles Dickens and became enamored with Dickens' pet raven Grip

So, in a way, yeah, the Raven is kinda about how Poe fucking loved ravens

I know this has made the rounds on Tumblr before. In fact, in trying to track down the source, I found a screenshot of a Tumblr thread that ended with an edit of Poe reacting to this. But I have yet to find a source and I MUST KNOW

THIS IS A TROLL, RIGHT?

Like there is no fucking way someone read The Raven and actually came to the conclusion that it was about how Poe liked ravens, right? RIGHT?!?!

It is not humanly possible to be so wrong about this poem. Even leaving aside the symbolism (HOW????) you still have to get the understanding the narrator fucking HATES that bird.

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Usherin

Mike Flanagan: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the fall of the house of usher [several hours later] Flanagan: ocean acidification, opioid addiction, postmaster louis dejoy Flanagan: and microplastics! don't even get me started on that!

Mike Flanagan: Figures published reveal US beekeepers lost an estimated 48% of their honey bee colonies in 2022-23 Flanagan: this is the second highest death rate on record after 2020-21's 51% Flanagan: worldwide, honey bee populations have been decimated by pesticides, pollution, and climate change Flanagan: speaking of, let's talk about climate change… King: hey do you think you might be wrapping this up soon

King: what story was he telling? Poe: the house of usher King: still? Poe: yeah he just got sidetracked on this bee thing Flanagan: well i guess SOME of us just don't care about colony collapse disorder Poe: no mike i didn't say that Flanagan: it's a real issue you know Poe: of course mike we all acknowledge that

Flanagan: Poe's pretty good and all Flanagan: but if there's one thing that his stories lack Flanagan: it's really long monologues Barker: oh yeah Poe be like that Barker: Poe the famed writer of SHORT stories Barker: the key word being short

Flanagan: war, famine, plague, so much evil in the world Flanagan: we're all guilty Koontz: even me? Flanagan: no dean not you Flanagan: you're a good boy Flanagan: you alone of all the boys are the goodest boy Flanagan: the love you have for dogs and the good that you've done for dogs will echo through the ages

Flanagan: hey i've got an adaptation of your story too shirley Shirley Jackson: [mumbles] Flangan: it stars approximately 500 identical sad-faced brunettes Flanagan: all bein' mopey Flanagan: and occasionally someone makes the Ring face

[bitterkarella]

why would you call out the garfield fandom like this

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Swamp

Elizabeth Broadbent: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of ink vine Broadbent: what if there was a magical lesbian Broadbent: in the swamp Edward Lee: bro Lee: bro Lee: i want to know more about this swamp lesbian Patricia Highsmith: i too would like to know about this swamp lesbian

Broadbent: there's all sorts of mysterious things in a southern swamp Broadbent: it's a spooky place where a strange lesbian might eat you if you wander past the dogwoods

Broadbent: so there's this girl Broadbent: she's all 'i'm a bisexual' Broadbent: 'i like boys and girls but girls slightly more' Broadbent: and she's the only bisexual in her shitty little hillbilly swamp town Broadbent: it's a lonely life Broadbent: forced to sit on counters kind of weirdly all by herself

Broadbent: now her mama's always warning her don't go in the swamp Broadbent: cuz it's dangerous, that swamp Broadbent: but then one day Broadbent: guess what she does?

Broadbent: she's going deep into that swamp Broadbent: that wet messy ooey gooey musky soppy swamp Broadbent: deeper and deeper into the sucking slurping sopping muck Broadbent: burrowing under the spongy moss, sliding into the sloppy dark water Broadbent: shes got water in her crevasses

Broadbent: she goes into the swamp Broadbent: and she meets the swamp lesbian Broadbent: her mama's always saying don't go in the swamp Broadbent: but she's all try to understand mama Broadbent: try try try to understand Broadbent: she's a magic lesbian

Broadbent: but then after meeting the swamp lesbian Broadbent: suddenly these weird tattoos appear on her body Broadbent: like a vine around her legs Broadbent: a vine with a real mind of its own

Broadbent: 'oh no' she thinks 'how will i, a girl who likes both boys and girls but girls slightly more, explain this mysterious tattoo to my close-minded town?' Broadbent: 'and also my bisexuality' Broadbent: 'how will i explain that'

Broadbent: anyway spoiler Broadbent: turns out these close-minded podunk townees are more accepting of one thing than the other Broadbent: so now she's got no choice Broadbent: but to fuck shit up Mary Shelley: yeah YEAH

Shelley: now we're talkin! Shelley: fuckin' fuck shit up! Shelley: breakin the law! breakin the law! King: wow mary you really like this bisexual disaster fucking shit up Shelley: she's very relatable