bitterkarella

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Dark Tower

Stephen King: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the dark tower King: and here's the crazy thing, guys King: i'm telling this story King: but i'm also IN this story Barker: holy shit steve Barker: you just blew my motherfuckin mind

King: see, the real question is King: who's the REAL stephen king? King: the one telling the story King: or the one IN the story? Koontz: the one telling the story King: yes, dean, i know King: but as a thought experiment Koontz: you're the real one King: Barker: from the mouths of babes, huh? lol

King: see, what I'm saying is King: like, what does it mean for the concept of story that I'm here but I'm also in the story Mary Shelley: it means more john barth ass bullshit King: King: you know, mary, john barth doesn't have a monopoly on postmodernism Shelley: i said what i said

King: see, i'm here King: but i'm also in the story King: get it? Koontz: Poe: steve you're confusing dean King: no no i think he gets it Koontz: so you're not the real stephen king? Poe: he doesn't get it King: give him time edgar!

Koontz: wait so if you're real BUT you're also in the story King: yes? Koontz: then how do you know you're the real stephen king? King: haha oh dean of course i'm the real stephen king Koontz: what if you're also just a character in another story? King: oh dean you're so delightfully naive

Koontz: what if none of us are real Koontz: what if we're all just characters in a story?! Barker: haha sure dean we're all just "characters" in a "story" Barker: haha maybe we're all just "caricatures" in a "series" of "internet posts" Barker: haha that's our dean Barker: what an imagination!

Barker: like we're all just shallow caricatures reciting hollow catchphrases! ha ha Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Edward Lee: bro JK Rowling: hello children Roger Corman: its me roger corman, star of da bluesky thread Chuck Wendig: zoopity boopity! Patricia Highsmith: ain't nothing like a dame!

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Fat dog

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Allison Bailey: dark lord, dark lord, help me! Bailey: the vet told me my dog is TOO FAT Rowling: my god Rowling: i can't believe they would attack your gender critical beliefs like that Bailey: that's exactly what I said!

Rowling: exactly what happened Rowling: what me through the whole thing Bailey: ok so i went to the vet Rowling: right, right Bailey: looking for a vigorous debate about the importance of biological reality in assessing entry to womens spaces Rowling: uh huh, right Rowling: asss you do

Bailey: but it seems the trans activists had beat me there bc the vet didn't want to talk about that Bailey: almost like they were afraid of appearing politically incorrect and inciting the wrath of the trans activist mob Bailey: instead they just wanted to talk about my dog's health Rowling: weird Bailey: yeah like the vet was OBSESSED with talking about my dog Bailey: they just wanted to examine my dog Rowling: right right probably to make sssure the dog had the proper genitalsss right? Bailey: no they didn't mention that Rowling: what Bailey: i know right??!!?

Bailey: look, if my dog IS fat Bailey: its only because the trans activists have been throwing wispas over the fence as part of a plot to make my dog fat Rowling: i thought chocolate killed dogsss Bailey: i can't be expected to remember every little thing about what dogs can and can't eat

Bailey: i mean you tell me Bailey: does this dog look fat to you? Rowling: Rowling: hm Rowling: uh Rowling: sso Rowling: Rowling: how much sspaghetti are you feeding thiss dog Bailey: ok sure maybe i have been known to leave my briefcase open from time to time

Bailey: ok look sometimes i'm running late for court Bailey: and sometimes i trip as i'm running out the door Bailey: and ok maybe sometimes i drop my briefcase Bailey: and i guess occasionally spaghetti spills all over the floor and my dog eats it Bailey: but only a racist would point that out

Rowling: iss that really what happened? Bailey: i mean its basically what happened Rowling: Bailey: Rowling: Bailey:

[earlier] vet: so we got your dog's bloodwork back Bailey: did you know lesbians are going extinct? the average diameter of the british lesbian vagina has reduced 3 mm over the past decade Bailey: if these trends continue vet: vet: uh yeah so we got your dog's blood work back

vet: so we got your dog's blood work back vet: so uh vet: on average vet: how much spaghetti would you say your dog eats in a week? Bailey: oh jeez that's hard to say vet: right right vet: but just say on average vet: just a ballpark estimate

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Chimera

Bitter Karella: [carrying bindle sack] siiigh Karella: ahem Karella: AHEM Poe: oh sorry what's going on? Poe: what's with the bindle sack? Karella: oh THIS bindle sack? this one right here? Karella: funny you should ask

Karella: last week was my birthday Karella: and none of you remembered! Karella: so I'm running away from home! Barker: bye Poe: CLIVE

Poe: did you Poe: did you tell anyone it was your birthday? Karella: no but Karella: but if you really cared you would know Poe: Barker: King: Lovecraft: Koontz: Poe: well happy birthday Karella: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Karella: I don't want people to say happy birthday Karella: i want REAL attention! Poe: do you want to tell a story Karella: YES I WANT TO TELL A STORY Barker: oh my god what a little brat Poe: clive

Barker: here i'll handle this Poe: i really wish you wouldn't Barker: no i'm really good with kids Karella: [stamping foot] i'm not a kid!!! Barker: oh yeah? how old are you? Karella: i'm Karella: Karella: no wait let's just say i am a kid

Barker: good would this comically oversized lollipop make you feel better? Karella: NO Karella: Karella: yes Koontz: i would also like a comically oversized lollipop Barker: well of course, for you, dean, anything Barker: cuz you're always as good as gold

Karella: why didn't you say that to me Barker: cuz you're a fucking shit Karella: Karella: you better be nice to me Barker: yeah? why? Poe: clive

Poe: what would make you feel better on your birthday karella Karella: i would feel better if everyone went out and pre-ordered my upcoming book moonflow Karella: available for preorder in the pinned skeet Poe: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker: Barker: best we can do is the comically oversized lollipop King: yeah that's the best we can do

Karella: ok fine! then Karella: then Karella: i want to do a bit with mary shelley Karella: she's always funny when she appears King: oh yea she's a hoot King: a real crowd pleaser

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Shelley: whoa what the hell is going on here Shelley: why's everything all meta in here Bitter Karella: Shelley: oh it's because of you innit? Shelley: little postmodern shit Karella: hey! Shelley: that's a real fuckin "john barth" ass move

Karella: y-you take that back! Shelley: just like john barth Karella: it's not like john barth! Karella: i'm my own original idea, damnit! Shelley: [to poe] its just like fuckin john barth Poe: you know i was just thinking that Karella: SHUT UP

Karella: stop saying i'm doing john barth style meta commentary! Karella: i'm not! i'm not! [giant pencil erases karella, camera pulls out to reveal john barth at the drawing table] John Barth: ain't i a stinker?

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: V O I D

Edward Lee: ok bro Lee: trust me you're gonna have so much fun Jordan Shiveley: i bet it won't be as much fun as the v o i d consuming my flesh Lee: naw naw i's gonna be lit [shoves cassette tape in slot,'Baby Don't Hurt Me' starts playing]

Lee: bro just look at this club Lee: so many eligible singles, bro Lee: you just gotta take your pick, eh, bro? eh? Shiveley: i bet none of them would consume my flesh Lee: i bet some would bro Shiveley: i bet not Lee: Lee: bro you're really bringing me down bro

Lee: bro Jordan is really being a buzzkill Lee: like even more than you bro Lee: ugh bro that feelings shit is for chicks Lee: ooo you look at the abyss, the abyss looks back Lee: it's no big deal bro! Lee: everyone goes through that! Lovecraft: do you think he might be Italian?

HP Lovecraft: the funky beats of this pounding club music are actually quite compelling Lovecraft: what do you call this music? Lee: oh that's italo-disco, bro Lovecraft: Lovecraft: [sweats]

Shiveley: i Shiveley: Shiveley: oh shit Lee: what, bro? Shiveley: shit the v o i d is here Lee: what? Shiveley: over there, over there Lee: over there? Shiveley: DON'T LOOK

Lee: damn bro THAT's the v o i d? Lee: you never said the v o i d was smokin Shiveley: yeah well Shiveley: why do you think we were a thing Lee: i don't know man, maybe the v o i d had a really good personality or something Lee: shit how am i supposed to know Lee: i mean, am i wrong, howard? Lovecraft: i don't understand what's going on

Lee: bro would you or would you not say Lee: that v o i d over there Lee: pretty easy on the eyes, eh, bro? Lovecraft: Lee: thick with existential dread, huh, bro? Lee: or should i say Lee: thicc Lovecraft: i still don't understand what's happening

Lee: they say the v o i d is shapeless and formless Lee: but bro that's got a pretty nice shape and form Shiveley: hey are you putting the move on the v o i d?? Lee: bro you said you broke up! Lee: fair game, bro!

Lee: Yo! over here! Shiveley: don't Shiveley: don't call the v o i d over here Lee: yo the bro is HOT Lee: hey v o i d you come here often V O I D: [screaming eldritch gibberish] Lee: [blood streaming from eyes & ears] cool cool cool Lee: so what's your pronouns

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: TEETH

Jordan Shiveley: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of ARE YOU READY FOR THE SEX GIRLS? Shiveley: THE HOT HOT LEAN HOT BIG HOT GIRLS? Shiveley: THE RIGHT RIGHT ULTRA VITAL NICE NICE GIRLS? Shiveley: OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY Shiveley: MADE FRESH FOR YOUR ORDER Shiveley: TEETH TEETH BLOOD TEETH TEETH TEETH V O I D

Shiveley: TEETH TEETH TEETH TEETH HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU Shiveley: TEETH LISTEN CAREFULLY THIS OFFER ONLY COMES ONCE TEETH TEETH TEETH Shiveley: ORDER INFINITE POOL OF DARKNESS NOW, GET ONE FULL MOUTH OF TEETH FREE WITH PURCHASE Paula D. Ashe: why, you'd be a fool to pass that up! Shiveley: THAT's A REAL BIG SHOT MOVE KID Shiveley: TEETH

Shiveley: so there's this weird dark room Shiveley: if you find it Shiveley: and you go inside Shiveley: the V O I D will take your skin King: oh, that's bad! Shiveley: but only for a little while King: oh, that's not so bad Shiveley: actually it's worse

Shiveley: don't you hate when the v o i d gives you back your skin? Shiveley: like what's the matter, v o i d? Shiveley: is my skin not good enough? Shiveley: do i not measure up to your standards, v o i d? Shiveley: i can change Barker: oh don't talk like that, man Barker: its real clingy Barker: it's a big turn-off Shiveley: is that Shiveley: is that why the v o i d is ghosting me

Barker: yeah probably Poe: clive, don't say that Poe: i'm sure the v o i d isn't actually ghosting you Jordan Shiveley: look Shiveley: see i texted the v o i d Poe: right Shiveley: i think it left me unread

Shiveley: i'm texting into the v o i d Shiveley: but the v o i d isn't texting back Barker: oooooo Barker: boy that's gotta hurt Poe: CLIVE

Shiveley: it's been like 20 minutes Poe: right Shiveley: the v o i d hasn't texted back Poe: right Poe: well Jordan uh Poe: you know, people just have to text back in their own time Poe: i'm sure the v o i d will respond Poe: just give it some time

Shiveley: i think i'm being ghosted Poe: no no not at all! Poe: i'm sure that's not the case Barker: how long has it been? Shiveley: hang on let me check Shiveley: at least 21 minutes now Barker: oh yeah you're definitely being ghosted Poe: clive you're not helping

Edward Lee: bro Lee: bro Lee: did you say you were ghosted by the v o i d Shiveley: i don't want to talk about it Lee: bro Lee: fuck it bro the v o i d's a little bitch bro

Lee: you know what you need bro? Lee: you need to get laid Shiveley: i'm not interested Shiveley: stop trying to distract me from the v o i d

Lee: no bro listen Lee: you should come with us Lee: we'll go to the club, you'll get some tail Lee: you'll feel way better bro Lee: me and howard used to go clubbing Lee: with this uh other third guy Lee: we kinda don't do that anymore Lee: there was some ugliness Lee: what i'm saying is we're kinda in the market for a new third Lee: you could be that guy Lee: just think about it bro

[bitterkarella]

Midnighth Pals: Barnacles?! For Eyes?!

Lyndsey Coal: ahoy there minnows! Dean Koontz: aye aye cap'n! Croal: I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUU Koontz: AYE AYE, CAP'N! Barker: oh we're doing this bit again? ok Croal: OHHHHHH Croal: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the girl with barnacles for eyes

Croal: ok so imagine that there's a seaside town Croal: where evie works Croal: laying deliveries down Croal: They say evie fetch another round Croal: She serves them oatcakes and bread

Croal: now every year, the curator sails into this town Croal: with his boat full of gadgets and gizmos a plenty Croal: he's got whosits and whatsits galore Croal: want thingamabobs? he's got twenty Croal: but who cares? no big deal Croal: he wants more

Croal: this year, the curator has something new to show the people of this harbor town Croal: something very unusual Croal: something from the deep dark depths of the ocean Lovecraft: [sweats Croal: from the bottom of the trench Lovecraft: [sweating intensifies]

Croal: something from way deep under the waves Lovecraft: [sweats] oh no Croal: it's Lovecraft: [sweats] OH NO Croal: a girl with barnacles for eyes Lovecraft: OH NO!!! Lovecraft: A GIRL?!?!?!?!

Croal: no howard the strange thing isn't that she's a girl Croal: the strange thing is the barnacles Barker: people in this harbor town never seen barnacles before? Croal: what? no of course they've seen barnacles Croal its the eye thing that's unusual Poe: stop making trouble clive Poe: you knew what she meant

Croal: now the curator is a cruel and brutish man Croal: he treats his charge unkindly Dean Koontz: oh no! Croal: he also has an octopus Croal: he treats it badly too Koontz: nooo!

Koontz: oh no i hope that octopus is ok :( King: aw that's cute, dean's concerned about the octopus Croal: the octopus's name is otto King: Croal: otto the octopus King: well jeez King now i'm getting invested in this octopus too

Croal: now evie comes to see the curator's show and she sees the girl with barnacles for eyes Croal: and she thinks Croal: oh no Croal: she's hot Croal: i gotta save her Koontz: and otto? Koontz: please say she saves otto too!

King: yeah please say she saves otto too! Barker: oh my god you guys are being such babies Barker: i can't believe you're getting all weepy over an octopus Barker: the octopus is ok tho, right? Barker: i mean right?

Lovecraft: ugh why do you all want to save this octopus? King: what's the matter howard? you don't like octopuses? King: i would have thought you'd be really into them Barker: yeah we've seen your browser history Lovecraft: I-i-i August Derleth: EXCUSE ME HOWARD ONLY LOOKS AT AS MUCH TENTACLE PORN AS THE AVERAGE MAN OF HIS TIME!!

Lovecraft: it's just that Lovecraft: you know octopuses Lovecraft: [shudders] they're so squamous and eldritch Lovecraft: they have the appearance of monstrous things from eons past and best forgotten Croal: this one is named otto Lovecraft: Lovecraft: i changed my mind Lovecraft: i love him, i would die for this octopus Lovecraft: p-please say otto's ok???

Croal: well, if you want to know what happens to otto Croal: [turns to camera] maybe you should all run out and read the Shirley Jackson nominated "The Girl with Barnacles for Eyes" Croal: available in Split Scream 5 from Tenebrous Press

Bitter Karella: hey you should do more than read split scream 5 Karella: you should also buy a copy! Karella: i say this as an impartial observer with no vested interest! Barker: aren't YOU in split scream 5 Karella: Barker: oh this is cheap Karella: SHUT UP! Karella: it's my gimmick account, you're not the boss of me!

(Okay, maybe I'm being gauche because I'm in the same issue of Split Scream, BUTTTT Lyndsey Croal's The Girl with Barnacles for Eyes has indeed been nominated for a Shirley Jackson award! You should check it out!)

[bitterkarella]

I have some news for members of the united states armed forces who feel like they are pawns in a political game and their assignments being unnecessary.

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Vice Shark

Jordan Kurella: [scrimshawing a narwal tusk] ahoy there minnows Dean Koontz: aye aye, cap'n! Kurella: I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUUUU Koontz: AYE AYE, CAP'N! Kurella: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Kurella: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, this be the tale of the vice shark

Kurella: tis about a shark that feeds on the milk of human depravity and sin Clive Barker: where can one find this shark Kurella: ah interested in getting yer wish granted, eh, landlubber? Barker: what

Kurella: arr, see, if you catch the vice shark Kurella: it be granting ye one (1) wish Barker: what? a wish? ok Barker: i mean Barker: that's fine too Barker: let's hear about this sin and depravity

Jordan Kurella: it lives down at the bottom of the trench, it does Kurella: full five fathom deep Kurella: tis no shark Kurella: tis a remorseless wish-granting machine!

Kurella: arr so i was the cap'n of me own ship Kurella: spendin' me days sailin' rich party people into international waters for sex parties Kurella: and me nights gettin' drunk in in the forgotten port that he damned call home Kurella: twas the life!

Kurella: wasting away in Margaritaville Kurella: Searchin' for me long lost shaker of salt Kurella: Some might say that there's a woman to blame Kurella: and there be

Kurella: me old high school crush came to me an' she wanted to find the vice shark Kurella: an arrrr this old salt never could resist the siren call of a comely wench Edward Lee: oh bro Lee: bro Lee: i so feel ya bro Lee: i'm lways saying that bro Barker: when are we gonna get to the depravity shark

Kurella: so ye want to catch the vice shark, do ye? Kurella: i'll need 3 ships and 50 stout men Barker: how about you, William? you were in the navy William Hope Hodgson: i hate the sea and everything in it

Kurella: now me old high school crush, she wished that SHE could be the shark Franz Kafka: you can do that? Kafka: what if… um Kafka: what if you wished you were a cockroach? Kurella: aye the vice shark can do that too LC von Hessen: what about a worm Kurella: aye

Roald Dahl: hee hee could it shrink you really tiny? hee hee Kurella: aye Frank Belknap Long: could it turn you into a half wolf/half fox with angel wings and heterochromia? Kurella: aye Kafka: what about a girl Kafka: i mean i just think that would be funny Kafka: ha he right? Kafka: that would be a great joke ha ha right

Kurella: arrrgh jolly roger poopdeck mizzenmast arrrrrgh

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pal: Delicious Boot Leather

Theresa C. Gaynord: i just want to say,i support trump 100% doing anything Gaynord: i don't care how many children he has to murder, how many grandmothers he has to terrorize Gaynord: it's all worth it, to finally get the rogue state of COMMIEfornia under control Gaynord: do you know they're shitting in the streets in san Francisco?

Gaynord: what's the problem? Gaynord: you don't like seeing your neighbors get deported to foreign gulags? Gaynord: well don't worry there's plenty of room Gaynord: for the rest of you Poe: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker:

Barker: so uh Barker: who are you again? Poe: clive Gaynord: i'm actually really well known Gaynord: i'm kind of a big deal Gaynord: i was in who's who Barker: ahahaha Poe: cliveffff ok yeah that's pretty funny

Gaynord:[licking boot] delicious mmmfff Gaynord:[tonguing sole lasciviously] more more Gaynord:[eyes rolling back in head]

Gaynord: i'm not a horror writer to be popular Barker: yeah that's obvious from your reviews Barker: ohhhhh ha ha! Poe: now clive that's not fair Poe: you know you can't trust reviews Barker: why are you arguing with me, edgar? i'm right

Eli Roth: yeah! you know who else i hate? Roth: greta Thunberg Roth: i hate how she keeps saying bad things are bad Roth: it makes my tummy hurt Dan Simmons: yeah! Simmons: yeah yeah yeah!!

Roth: i think greta Thunberg should be eaten by cannibals Roth: a really racist depiction of cannibals Roth: that's the kind i like best Simmons: OMG me too!!!! Simmons: we should talk more

Joyce Carol Oates: interesting, i have a rebuttal Oates: look at this [shows foot, Gaynord instantly vaporizes] Oates: this isn't even one tenth of my power

Poe: jesus joyce! put it away! put it away! Poe: there's children here! Koontz: i'm scared! Poe: it's okay dean it's not real it's just Poe: joyce please for the love of god put it away King: it burns! oh god it burns! Mary Shelley: [staring directly at foot] now that's a power move

Poe: mary stop looking at it Shelley: no i'm fine Poe: mary, you don't need to prove anything Shelley: i'm fine Poe: mary Poe: mary you're gonna hurt your eyes Shelley: [eyes starting to tear, vein throbbing in forehead] no i'm fine

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: So surreal

Leonora Carrington: tea spoons and jelly spoons Carrington: i'm going to tell you about something i know nothing about Carrington: one sunny night two dead boys woke up to face each other back to back Carrington: if you don't believe me, ask the blind man Carrington: he saw it Carrington: now pull up a chair and sit on the floor Carrington: and we'll discuss the four corners of the round table

Carrington: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the hearing trumpet Carrington: it's a little bit Carrington: surreal Poe: oh that's great! you'll fit right in Poe: we've got a few bizarro types here Carlton Mellick III: yes! Shane McKenzie: we love strange stories! Carrington: Carrington: you are all weaklings

Carrington: you call yourselves strange? Carrington: ha! Carrington: to me, you are like little babies Carrington: you will not survive the winter Mary Shelley: ha ha Shelley: i LIKE this chick

Carrington: so there's this old lady who has trouble hearing Carrington: and she gets this hearing trumpet Carrington: that really doesn't have anything to do with what's about to happen tho King: what's about to happen? Carrington: oh, buddy Carrington: what ISN'T about to happen?

Carrington: so her family puts her into a home Carrington: which turns out to be a weird cult Carrington: but that doesn't really have anything to do with what's about to happen tho King: what's about to happen? Carrington: buddy

Carrington: it turns out there's a murder plot happening Carrington: some of the old ladies are making poison candy Carrington: but that doesn't really have anything to do with what's about to happen tho King: what's about to happen? Carrington: just watch

Carrington: anyway there's a picture of a nun Carrington: who turns out to have been looking for the holy grail Carrington: but that doesn't really have anything to do with what's about to happen tho King: i'm lost Poe: yeah i'm having trouble following Carrington: you gotta keep up, man Carrington: or you'll be left behind

Carrington: ok so you remember i said this old lady has a hearing trumpet? King: yeah? Carrington: well, the earth's poles shift, ushering in a new ice age and the destruction of all life on earth Carrington: also a biblically accurate angel blows up the rest home King: King: that didn't really Carrington: didn't really follow? i know, isn't it great!? Carrington: surrealism, baby!!

King: wow! that's crazy! Carrington: You think that's crazy? you ain't seen nothing yet, pal! Carrington: just watch! Carrington: things are about to get a little bit Carrington: [eyes spinning in opposite directions] surreal!

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Girls in Space

[space coven] Mary Robinette Kowal: listen up, boys! Kowal: I've got a story for you… the story of the lady astronaut! Kowal: that's right Kowal: a lady wants to be an astronaut Kowal: how about that?!

Kowal: while working for jim Henson productions, i was inspired by that great space explorer miss piggy to ask: what if women could go to space? Kowal: i would call it Kowal: GIRLS IN SPAAAAAAAAACE Kowal: with captain Lass Her-throb Kowal: first mate girly Kowal: and dr. Julian strangewoman

Robert Heinlein: what? girls in space? Heinlein: that's preposterous! Heinlein: everyone knows that space travel requires the cold calculating mind and stout body of a man Heinlein: a girl in space! don't make me laugh! Kowal: no it's true Kowal: girls can go to space

Heinlein: hyeah right Heinlein: back me up here, boys HG wells: I've never heard of a girl in space Jules Verne: yeah i mean c'mon Verne: what would a girl even do in space? Verne: have a period?

Wells: maybe talk about her feelings Verne: haha! Heinlein: "in space, no one can hear you nag" Verne: haha! Mary Shelley: sup fuckers? Wells: Verne: Heinlein:

Shelley: you lads talkin' bout something? Wells: Verne: Heinlein: Shelley: [picking teeth with switchblade] don't let me cramp your style Wells: verne: Heinlein:

Heinlein: shouldn't Heinlein: shouldn't you be over at midnight society? Shelley: why? something happening here i shouldn't know about? Heinlein: n Heinlein: n-no

Kowal: they were saying girls can't go to space Shelley: there's plenty of girls in space Shelley: what about the moon Heinlein: what about the moon Shelley: she's a lesbian Heinlein: WHAT!?!? NO!!! STOP! Heinlein: YOU'RE RUINING THE MOON!!

Kowal: so anyway an asteroid hits earth, causing cataclysmic climate change Kowal: that will kill all life on earth in a couple decades Kowal: so naturally there's a real problem that needs to be solved Kowal: and that problem is workplace sexism in the space agency

Kowal: sure, some of the cavemen at the space agency don't think a woman is good enough to go to space Kowal: but the lady astronaut is going to show Kowal: that she is a strong independent woman who is also intelligent Kowal: and no man is gonna keep her down!

Kowal: this girlboss is determined to be an inspiration to all the little girls back on earth Kowal: who can all imagine that they can grow up to be anything! Kowal: i mean, at least until that climate apocalypse Kowal: i guess that kind of puts a damper on it

Kowal: some men don't think she can be a lady astronaut because she has anxiety Shelley: does she stab them Kowal: Kowal: no she deals with her anxiety Shelley: she should have stabbed them Shelley: that's what i would've done

[bitterkarella]

(no children, the mountain goats/US politics)

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Slap Fight of the Century 2

Poe: you know we've been talking an awful lot about elon musk lately Poe: maybe we should get back to horror stuff Poe: after all Poe: that's kinda our reason for being Barker: yeah but maybe Barker: maybe we can do ONE more elon thread Barker: just as a treat

Poe: come on clive i think people are tired of elon Poe: is there really anything we can say that's funnier than what's actually happening? Barker: yeah but Barker: c'mon! just one more! Barker: just one more and we'll stop, i swear!

Barker: i mean, after all Barker: i can't think of a single person who isn't enjoying this slap fight Poe: well, there's Robert Robert Heinlein: [reading stock portfolio] noooo my bitcoins nooooo

[white house] Elon Musk: eyyyy donaldo trump Musk: you thinka you so smart? Musk: i taka you down Musk: you won't be laughing when you see dissa epic meme [Elon reveals picture of "O RLY" owl] Musk: ey? ey?

Musk: maybe i set you u da bomb eh? Trump: maybe i'll end your government contracts Musk: [sweats] uh… maybe i ask iffa you haffa stairs inna yo house Trump: maybe i'll deport you Musk: [sweats harder] uh…. maybe i… uh… long cat issa long? Trump: maybe i'll kill you Musk: [sweating intensifies]

Musk: ok donaldo trump Musk: you forca me to use-a force! Musk: tima for a big guns! Musk: DONALDO TRUMP, HE A PEDOPHILE! eldery dowager: [monocle dropping] a pedddddophiiiiiile??!???!

Musk: donaldo trump, i pay $288 million to make you president anna this how you repay me?!? Musk: whatsa matta fo you, i breaka you face! Musk: i call you out, donaldo trump Trump: so be it Trump: to the death Musk: to the death [they desperately flail at one another, it is not clear what kind of move is being attempted]

Elon Musk: eeeeey dat donaldo trump, him a [slur]! Matty Yglesias: [smashing through wall] ELON MUSK WELCOME TO THE RESISTANCE

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Slap Fight of the Century

King: hey uh King: where's elon? Barker: why? do you want him here? King: NO King: no i mean King: he's usually here King: it's not like him to not show up Poe: we moved the campfire without telling him King: that usually doesn't stop him

King: i dunno guys King: heck i can't believe i'm saying it King: i'm worried about him King: what if he's in trouble? Poe: i'm sure he's fine, steve Poe: he'll come home when he gets hungry Barker: for ketamine Poe: Poe: yeah for ketamine

[white house] Donald Trump: so there're these people, see, they tell me that you need air to breathe Trump: i call these people LIE-entists JD Vance: masterful gambit sir Trump: let's ask robert Trump: robert do you need air to breathe Robert Kennedy Jr: there's nothing in air that you can't get from vitamin supplements and human growth hormone injected directly into your scrotum

JD Vance: there's no mention in the catholic bible that we need air Trump: it's settled Trump: you heard it here folks Trump: we're getting rid of the air Trump: we don't need it! Trump: it's bad! Trump: we're gonna sell it

Trump: all the america hating liberals and caravan sickos say no no don't sell the air, we need air to breathe Trump: then it should be worth something, right? so i say we sell the air. we're gonna sell the air, folks. more and more people are saying we're gonna sell the air Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyyy donaldo trump Trump: oh god not this asshole again

Elon Musk: eyyyyy donaldo trump Musk: my lifa been so full anna enriching since i lefta da doge Musk: so brimming witha friends anna loved ones Musk: that i almost no comma back Trump: yet here you are Musk: MAMA MIA PLEASE TAKA ME BACK I BE A GOODA BOY

Trump: i don't know elon you were very very rude to me Trump: why shouldn't i crush you like a bug Stephen Miller: [attached remora-like to Trump's neck] a just question, my liege

Trump: you said you didn't like the bill that makes me king and kills the trans and bans abortion and ends medicaid and destroys social security and ends AI regulation Musk: yeah but i lika all those things! Musk: i only didn't lika the part where you took MY money! Trump: too bad cuz i like that part Trump: bah bye loser

Musk: mama mia you maka a bigga mistake donaldo trump! Musk: you maka da elon muska mad! Musk: you tangle witha things you no understand! elon muska, he gotta da power to taka you down! Trump: go ahead Musk: Musk: [sulkily] maybe you a pedophile

Musk: maybe you alla pedophiles! Trump: they say this guy is a genius and it took him this long to figure things out Trump: more and more people are saying it Stephen Miller: a wise observation my liege

Musk: you a pedophile, donaldo trump! Musk: Everyone, listen up! da donaldo trump, he inna da epstein files! Musk: anna my moral code says i canta work for a pedophile for more thanna 130 days!

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: The Future of Art

Natasha Lyonne: hey guys so david lynch couldn't be here tonight so he wanted me to tell you all that he thinks AI generated art is the future King: Barker: Poe: Koontz: Lovecraft: King: really? david lynch said that? Poe: steve

Lyonne: oh yeah he especially loved it when people made incomprehensible loops of random mutating sludge and said it was in the style of david lynch Lyonne: he was just over the moon about that Lyonne: thought it was tops Lyonne: he said to me "natasha" Lyonne: "this is good to me"

King: huh! that doesn't sound like the david lynch i know Lyonne: why? what do you think david lynch would say? King: well King: honestly King: he would probably say Poe: the deep of the dark the eyes of the snail King: the deep of the dark the eyes of the snail yeah

Lyonne: no no he was really big on AI Lyonne: also he said he loves it when people film things on smartphones Lyonne: he told me this in a liberal coffee shop and then everyone stood up and clapped

King: ok wait what were his exact words Lyonne: he said "natasha, this is a pencil." Everyone has access to a pencil and likewise everyone with a phone will be using AI. "It's how you use the pencil, see?" King: King: wait why isn't the whole thing in quotation marks Lyonne: Lyonne: [sweats]

King: are you SURE david lynch said that? Lyonne: here, ask him yourself Lyonne: come on in, david! [david lynch enters. he has 23 fingers on each hand and his face is constantly shifting] David Lynch: add non-toxic glue to pizza to increase tackiness King: Poe: Barker: Koontz: Lovecraft:

Lynch: geologists recommend that you eat one small rock every day King: Koontz: Poe: Barker: Lovecraft: King: something's not right here Lynch: let me tell you about white genocide in south africa

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Orgasm Denial

JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: i am here to tell you about my new womensss conferenccce Rowling: where we will finally end the tyranny of orgasssmsss Barker: what Barker: what the fuck Barker: this time, you've gone too far rowling!!

Rowling: sssee, having orgasssmss releasess thetanss in the blood Rowling: which upss your orgone level Rowling: leading to increassed midichlorianss Rowling: it's all very ssscientific

Rowling: the important thing to understand is that orgassmss increassse violence and aggressssion Rowling: and therefore it's imperative for the sssafety of women Rowling: which i care about a lot Rowling: to ban orgasmsss entirely

Rowling: believe me, you're all going to feel much more calm and centered when you're doing mandatory life-long orgasssm denial Poe: i don't think that necessarily follows joanne Rowling: WHOA!!! you're being REALLY aggressssive edgar! Rowling: probably had a few too many orgasssmss today i'll wager Rowling: in fact you've all obviousssly had way too many orgassmss Rowling: hey else do you explain mary'sss aggressssion overtly masssculine aggressssion? Mary Shelley: that's true, i've had a lot of orgasms

Shelley: i love orgasms, they fuckin rule Shelley: usually on my mother's grave Shelley: with my he/him lesbian boyfriend Poe: who, byron? Shelley: no no the other one Poe: percy? Shelley: no no the other other one Poe: Poe: jane williams? Shelley: yeah, that's the bird

Rowling: with the power of my wealth, i will make orgassmss a thing of the passt! Barker: this is unacceptable! Poe: clive calm down Barker: i will not! Barker: i will not stand by and watch the sanctity of the orgasm be besmirched like this! King: clive really likes orgasms Barker: You're damn straight I like orgasms!!!!

Rowling: i hate orgassmss! Rowling: and alsso Rowling: asss previoussly esstablished Rowling: assexual people Poe: wait, i don't get it Rowling: nobody doess! Rowling: i'm the wind, baby!

Rowling: we're going to make it ssso that nobody orgassmss! Barker: no! Rowling: mandatory full-body orgassm denial Barker: no! Rowling: tying people up with ropes and chains so they can't touch their junk Barker: Rowling: chastity belts Barker: [sweats]

Barker: wait Barker: ok um Barker: this is going places Barker: Barker: was this a fetish thing the whole time? Rowling: what? no! Barker: i think it is Mary Shelley: oh my god it is

[bitterkarella]

50 States of Carnage (Part 2)

had an idea for a video game: You play John Q Public. One day, some weird guys kidnap your girlfriend Liberty. Later, you receive a letter from President X, the inhabitant of the devil's white house, saying to save Liberty you must fight your way across america and face THE FINAL BOSS OF EVERY STATE