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These hit hard

https://youtu.be/WkdQhfDRBKs?si=YTxT2TaC1Gj4F3Vm

https://youtu.be/l08Zw-RY__Q?si=5d5PD6FYMpFUCDNs

The whole new Billie Eillish album is my whole vibes and feelings 😷

L'amour de ma vie ; " it isn't asking for a lot for an apology for making me feel like you'd die if I tried to leave ; and you moved on immediately "

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😌

https://youtu.be/5GJWxDKyk3A?si=yWrus1JPrQfW29tm

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I really wasn't going to get into it -- I was going to keep to myself after reading all of that. But this is what you'll get from me if anything. Maybe it was a mistake for me to vaguely respond to you -- putting messages out into the world that I knew you would read. I couldn't and can't still find myself directly messaging you on a personal level. To me, what I have felt like I've had to get myself is my own self control. Allow myself to be my own person and not be influenced by how others feel (haha look at me right now - 🤦)

I had love for you in the past. All I wanted was to find some sense of closure when putting my writing into the public space that I knew you would read. You lack a lot of my respect unfortunately for all the shit you put me through. If you feel offended or defensive that's fine, I figured you might. I know we could go back and forth all day on who did what and who caused this or that.

Right now, the last message you sent to me on tumblr was the most anxiety inducing message vs all the others you've ever sent me throughout the years -- yes I've read them all. Whether it was an email, whether it was Instagram, fb, ask.fm, Tumblr, etc.

Not that it really matters but I don't ever wanna feel like that. I feel like i felt that spike of anxiety wayyyy too many times when we were together.

No, you're right, that relationship was hella bonded to the core. Even though there was sketchy shit like you cheating and whatnot I know that we had a closeness of lack of judgement, I felt like we could literally tell each other things that others wouldnt feel comfortable talking about. We were there for each other at our lowest and even though there was partial trauma bond I know that we were in love. I mean shit we really did do more than the average person. Whether getting pulled apart from our school, from our parents, side enemies, etc.

I'm rambling. . .

There was so much I did want to talk about whether it was about the past or the current. My partner has been by my side -- knowing that I'm not crossing a line. I kept my boundaries "speaking" with you at the best place I could. In a sense that I didn't have a private conversation with you and kept it all in the air if that makes sense. I know you want more -- relating to speaking wise and all that -- but I need patience. I gave you brownie points for not coming @ me so quick for not replying to you directly but some of your true colors showed a little there when you weren't getting the dm. Well here's a message directed specifically at you -- maybe not in private but that's all I can offer you. Sorry your personal life got effected again because of me even though I wasn't the 1 seeking you. I saw you & your girl are having a hard time. Her sister even tried to hmu & ask about us lol felt like old times. As all of that happened and everything spiraled I felt maybe I should step back, too. I don't need to feel like I'm the problem or I'm stirring up drama. I've grown and learned to love not having so many problems -- work gives me enough of it tbh.

Yeah maybe one day we can talk. Doesn't have to result in any form of relationship. Just figured we could take some weight off of our shoulders.

P s. :) He's my fiance since you wanna know so badly about us 💍

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im not ready to dm you just yet

I will be honest -- I do wanna talk ..maybe

Not yet though because I need time and it's been a lot from me already even writing back or vaguely responding out loud

Idk what else to say but anyways I deleted the app, too

Only reason I was on it was to vaguely say things if that makes sense

Anyways . . . 🤷

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Good morning! Jenny here, again. I am coming up to my 20 year birthday and would love to share that life is great. Life isn't always happy and positive but it's worth living through. Yknow when someone tells you "it gets better" they don't mean everything is smooth sailing - they mean things get easier to handle and control. It doesn't mean you won't have a bad day. Just wanted to clear that up. Anyways, i am rarely on tumblr nowadays. Follow me on Instagram @funtoast ! Feel free to message me for advice or anything really. :)

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Wow it's been a while since i've been on here! Hello everyone! I am still, Jenny! But I am 19 and nearly 20. I have gone through many shitty situations during the time I last posted and now. And although many shitty things have happened, I am still alive. Suprising, right?!! haha

I have separated from toxic people. My ex is gone out of my life. Finally. As well as my old "friends." Turns out you can't always trust people.

Surely the process was hell. It was painful and terrible. But I made it out and you can, too. I promise things get better. One day at a time. I'm still healing, but I'm sure one day I'll be completely okay.

Message me if you'd like to talk or need advice or some kind of motivation. <3

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Tired of feeling this way ...

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I just wish I was dead There's no point in me being alive, honestly. I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. Whatever. I'm so done. Bye.

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what the fuck is wrong with you? just because you have a mental illness doesnt make the fact that people are gonna start loving you the moment they see you cutting. If you want to cut then keep it to yourself rather than flaunting it around like an attention whore and showing the whole fucking world. Youre spreading a horrible and disgusting message.

All of the posts I have posted are old.You don't think I've changed?And even if I had continued to post the shit I use to, I don't think it would've helped in any way to go ahead and say that to anyone despite what they're doing. You could've at least been mature about it and took off anon while telling me this. We could've had a whole conversation privately about how much you dont agree with what I use to post.Honestly. I get that people posting pictures of self harm CAN be attention seeking, but at times people may post their self harm pictures for reaching out purposes or comfort. Sure you may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean you should go around telling the people who do post their pictures up that theyre viewed as attention whores or anything else.It make things worse. Because despite posting the pictures up, they could be feeling completely suicidal and depressed. You could easily be the one who pushes them off the edge. Come out and message me. I have a feeling I know who you are anyways.

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Venting..

I don't even know what to do anymore I'm breaking apart and my whole world feels like it's crumbling down I wish I wasn't this way I wish I was a perfectly stable person.. I wish I was good enough.. For everyone. I'm tired of making mistakes and dragging around people in my circle of depression and anxiety. I'm sorry if I've ever bothered you with my emotions.. I really am. I'd honestly get tired of me, too. Im trying to hold on and stay strong For the ones I love and care about But its becoming harder and harder each day.. Each hour.. Each minute.. Each second. There is no hope for me.. If I ever decide to pull the trigger, swallow those pills, take an extra step off the roof, or cut a bit deeper.. Then I don't want anyone who has ever been in my life (even for a second) to think it was their fault. Its not your fault. Its nobodies. Its mine. It was my choice. You all tried to help and tried to stay, but I was and am far beyond help... Yknow.. People get tired of waiting for "it to get better " .. And I'm one of those people... Aghh.. I guess now what there's left for me to do is try to stick it through and stay positive or at least keep myself from hurting myself in any way.. I'm doing this for those who care... So don't get mad at me for feeling this way. Suicidal. Depressed. Anxious. Etc. I can't control it. .. And it doesn't help to get pissed at me.. All I need is for someone to be here and care.. Truly care.. And.. To give me a glimpse of some type of hope that things will actually get better.. .. When I don't have the hope I need.. I do become very impulsive in my self harm .. I don't know.. I just need someone to help me through this and save me from myself...

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Tonight feels like the night I feel like I am weak And I know that I am useless I am a fuck up And I don't deserve happiness This is all true So I'm sorry if I don't make it through tonight I'm sorry for being a bother At least now you won't have to deal with me if I disappear off the face of the earth

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Pick up my phone

Check for notifications

No notifications

Put phone down

Wander around the house

Wait half an hour

Pick up phone

Repeat

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Mom: Are you feeling depressed?

Me: *shrugs*

Mom: You're too pretty to feel that way.

Me: =___=...

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Why cant my life be over already?

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Tonight's the night.

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Beware of 10:15