blackbird2222222

[blackbird2222222]

No I dont have an ed, yes i bodycheck all the time, yes i restrict, yes i fast, yes i hate the feeling of food in my stomach, yes i feel the fat, yes i check the bmi of my gws even tho i already know it, yes i check the calories of stuff that arent even food, yes i think that if i smell or touch food the cals will seep into my body, yes I used laxatives, yes i made myself throw up, yes i sometimes do 20k-30k steps a day on purpose, yes I am afraid yet impatient of weighing myself next day, yes my body disgust me and i blame hating myself on being fat, yes I think all my problems will be solved when ill lose the weight, yes I isolate to focus on wl, yes I cried bc I had to eat, yet I also ate the whole fucking house in one sitting, yes I fake dirty plate or throw food to make it seem like I ate, yes I am mad when my parents tell me i need to eat cus i didnt eat today, yes I despise the "what did u eat today" question, yes I say no to any snacks my friends offer me, yes I omad, yes I have had these behavior for a couple of years, yes my parents tell me "You're gonna get obese if you don't pay attention to your weight" or makes comments on my body, yes im on edtwt, yes im on edblr BUT I DONT HAVE AN ED because I must fake it cus idk it just doesnt feel like I have one

[blackbird2222222]

[blackbird2222222]

today’s harm reduction tip of the day:

it doesn’t have to be all or nothing!! your options aren’t either eat all of it or eat none of it. you can have a bite! you can have a few bites! you could split it with a friend! and if you want, you could eat all of it! 

[blackbird2222222]

I'm aware this will probably never happen, but

I just want to be able to wear a bikini and not want to kill myself.

[blackbird2222222]

as if i’d dare tell my friends

[blackbird2222222]

Summer goals:

• Defeating summer depression [plan not fully working]

[blackbird2222222]

How is it that some days it is so difficult to eat below a certain amount of c@ls and other days I don’t even have to try

I ate below 600c@ls today and it feels like I’ve eaten so much already

I wish everyone a honeymoon phase comeback this summer ✨✨

[blackbird2222222]

It will get cold again eventually. The summer will not last forever. I’m not doomed to live in this unbearable heat for all eternity. <- said while gripping the countertop so hard that the tile is starting to crack

[blackbird2222222]

[blackbird2222222]

Ballet Sk1nny ✨🩰🕯️🎀

[blackbird2222222]

Self control is 0 calories.

[blackbird2222222]

Can’t wait to be sk1nny during winter ❄️

[blackbird2222222]

the me’s in my head

“I just wanna have a normal relationship with food and eat normally”

“omg I wanna be a vegan sugar free gluten free lactose free nitrogen-based-sulfides free kinda gal like the actual healthiest ever 💦🌸🍂💫✨🌾#plants #kalelove #greenqueen ✨💫🌸🌿”

“BINGEBING E BI NG E BI N GEEE EAT MORE500000CALORIESISNOTENOUGHEATITALL I F TH ERES M OR E FOOD INTHEWO RLD T H EN YOU RE NOT D ON E”

“i’ll be skinny ✨if i have self-control✨and don’t eat it✨let’s get skinny and eat healthily and stay hydrated!!✨🌸🌼🌻 only fruit 🍒🍎🍓and veg🥗🥑🥒🥦🥕from now on!!”

“get skinny fuck healthy chug that diet coke bitch chew ur aspartame hoe. is it zero cal? then yum yum, bitch💀☠️”

“starve until ur dead”

[blackbird2222222]

dont make me wake up

dont make me die either. don't do that to my family

just take me away. somewhere i can sleep forever. somewhere with wind in the sleeping willows and moonlight. and let me rest, dreamless, lungs immobile, heart quiet, blood still. let the ravens and vultures clean my bones and then let my tired skeleton sink into soft, rich dirt and slumber until the sun collapses and burns the earth to ash

[blackbird2222222]

I’m definitely guilty of doomscrolling, but at least I do it while getting my steps in. Call it productive unproductivity.

[blackbird2222222]

I can tell I haven’t eaten enough when I sleep poorly

It’s frustrating, but in a way, it also feels like a reward or reassurance that I am doing something good

[blackbird2222222]

So my sister is skinny and she can just take such extremely small bites out of everything. It can even get on my nerves when she's eating something and it takes ages for her to finish it, well I could have eaten it in maybe three bites