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Positively trying 22

My anxiety has been on a war path today. Things just have built and built, to the point where i just want to tap out for a minute to re-compose myself. Digest everything going on in my head and calm myself. It’s funny how it works. I start to feel okay and I wounder why i ever felt bad, then this comes on and I suddenly remember this feeling. Its odd it doesn’t have to have an apparent cause. I just comes on. leaving you to wounder what has happened in the last 15 mins to make you feel like this. 

I don’t think there is any sense in looking for a reason. Because when it comes down to it. there is none. I just feel like this sometimes. And when I do, its best to just ride it out. And re-compose myself ones it’s done.

You are not alone

“This too shall pass” 

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Positively trying 21

Sometimes things will hit. Sometimes they hit soft, and sometimes they hit like a 10 tone truck. Sometimes they will stop you, sometimes they will knock you back and sometimes they will knock you to the ground. But that’s okay, there is no shame in that. You are not in control of that. No one asks to be hit by emotional pain. You would not feel ashamed of yourself for falling sick. So why would you for mentally falling. When things hit, just wait them out. Take your time and don’t beat yourself up about it. Just focus on trying to calm yourself, and talk yourself down from the place you have ended up. Many people feel like they have “failed” because they got sad, or anxious. But you are never going to be “okay” 100% of the time, no one is. Its natural to have ups and downs. we all do. 

You are not alone

“This too shall pass” 

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Positively trying 20

Today and yesterday were good. At least for me. I am eased more right now. I’m glad things have worked out. Really glad, like honestly on cloud nine. It’s nice to have a day I can say I was happy in. It’s been a while. I hope more “happy” days keep coming, I kinda need to distress after all the anxiety I put my self though. 

This is short. I don’t have too much to say right now, its late. But here’s too more “Happy” days.

You are not alone

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 19

I did what most worried me. And it worked out okay, and I thought I should write this now. Because now, I am not going to struggle being positive. Things will not always work out, I know I said positive but you still have to be real. But the same way you can say, “But what if it doesn’t work” well, but what if it does. Ad what if it would of worked out, if only you had tried. There is nothing shameful in failing, In not being able to work things out. And if it doesn’t then it will hurt then, but in the years to come that pain will ease, and you can at least say you tried. But if you shy away from trying, then in the years to come you will always wounder, “But what if”

That’s something I too need to always remember. That we shouldn’t fear failure, No one ever got to where they are without a little failure. No great artist ever began painting as an amazing painter. they painted shit first, then after that. They painted nicer shit. But eventually they can paint something great. But without them failures they would never of painted that great work of art. Oscar Wilde said “ Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” And it is true. You will never live without mistakes. But how you learn from them mistakes is what matters. My dad and I coach a kids football team.  And we tell the kid that in football you do one of 2 things, You win, or you learn. a lose is just a chance to learn what you did wrong. I think we all should remember this. 

You are not alone

“This too shall pass”  

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Positively trying 18

I have a meeting tomorrow at the mental health place. Should be an experiences. They asses you to see what kind of help you need. Its scary, I keep worrying about what they will say to me. But I am also relived that I am doing it 

Getting help finally. I keep telling myself “You just have to be honest. don’t hide anything” but i still feel scared. Apparently its an hour long meeting. So I imagine they have a lot of questions about me. 

I am grateful that i am getting this help. 

This was short, I don’t really have anything much to say, to much anxiety for this meeting. 

You are not alone

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 17

I didn’t do one of these yesterday. Things where happening and I didn’t have anything to say. But today I do. 

I’ve been thinking about how important it is to have something about your life that you control. Sometimes when you have anxiety or depression, it can feel like you are just along for the ride. You have no control over your emotions or your situation. So I think that having something that is entirely ours is helpful. For me its this, and my Youtube. Their mine, I decide when to upload. I decide what to do. If i want, I decide when to delete them. And that;s good I think. Helps to focus things. Helps to calm you when you feel like everything is going insane and you don’t know what to do. You can come to your little thing that you are the boss of, and have control for a moment.

This was short, but i wanted to say this. I hope it helps someone.

You are not alone

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 16

I have been thinking about feeling numb. Like how sometimes that’s how our minds deal with things, just become numb. I don’t think the numbness is an absence of the pain that we feel. I think its more that we get used to it, its no longer an oddity, we just get used to it. And I’m not sure if this is good or not. Because it can appear as if we are “better”  but really we are just used to it. 

I think we should identify when we are numb from over overexposure to the pain. And when we are feeling “better”. And if it is numbness from  overexposure to the pain, acknowledge that.

This is kind of short. I didn’t have much to say today. Just that i think numbness is insidious. And can lead to false feelings of being “better”.

You are not alone.

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 15

When I am really bad, my regard for my personal health goes down. As it does with all of us I think. When I am handling things I am dieting and I don’t drink as much. But the second I start to struggle, all the self care goes out the window. And I don’t care what i eat, I drink like a sailor and I all round just don’t care. I think it comes down to you wanting the satisfaction of them bad things, more than you care about how bad it is for you. Which is dangerous because that’s how you become an alcoholic. Its how I ended up putting on all my weight originally. Being depressed through my teen years. And just eating and eating to feel a slight bit of something other than sad.

Its why I think things like this Tumblr are good, for me that is. Because it gives me a positive way of feeling something. Writing out these things kind of makes me feel slightly better some times. In my mind if they get read, and make someone feel less alone. Then I can feel a slight bit of comfort in that. Its all I ever want to do. Something to make others feel better. Its why I want to be a musician. To write songs to keep people company in the darkness. To maybe help someone. My regard and care for myself is not very high. And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. So I put my care onto others. My friends, people who mean something to me. The very little joy I derive form this life I get from others. That’s why when I mess that up and upset people. I fall into my deep dark pit of self hate. Because to me then mess ups are me ruing the only thing I can be happy with. 

I harm. Its not nice, and no one should ever think of doing it. But I do sometimes. Not because I’m sad. But because I have a feeling of disdain for myself that sometimes manifests as harm. I want to make my friends happy. So when I do the opposite I just lose it with myself and, well you can guess. I’m trying to not do it at the moment. I promised a friend I’d try. And I hope anyone reading this can try too. Because nothing is gained from it. Nothing is fixed from hurting ourselves. Even if we do hate ourselves. There is no point to it. It might even hurt the people around us more than it hurts us ourselves. So I hope anyone who reads this can try their hardest not to. I’m not going to say “Don’t” because I know that’s not a promise anyone can make, sometimes we fail. But if we can hold off for a bit, then that’s good. 

You are not alone 

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 14

I’ve been thinking a lot about self reflection lately. I always have reflected on myself a lot. But i never feel like I ever truly know myself. Like no matter how hard I look, I never see myself. I am distrustful of myself. I always second guess myself, like I don’t believe  myself. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m being silly for thinking this.

I’ll keep this sort. Because I am drunk and its late. But I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I know myself. Or that I’ll ever trust myself. I always feel like I’m not who i say I am. That I feel things I don’t feel. That i am lying. Until recently I thought i was lying about being Bi. And even now, I think I am acting with other things in mind. Like I tear myself apart, and beat myself up for not believing what I believe hard enough. I don’t know. Sorry this one was short. I am drunk. 

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Positively trying 13

I don’t really feel like writing today. Some stuff is going on that is really just upsetting me. But i will write because i promised myself this would be daily. As almost a little diary of how my head is now. 

Its odd. I find myself in the place where nothing “feels” like anything. I don’t want to play games. When i watch a show or movies, its like white noise. When I drink my wine it doesn’t seem to taste like it should. Everything just doesn’t crack up to what its supposed to be. Every task just feels empty. I myself feel vapid and unimportant. And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to find satisfaction in anything.

Satisfaction has always been hard for me. In Hamilton one of my favourite songs is “satisfied” because i have often found myself to feel unsatisfied. Like nothing I have ever done has been good enough, Like nothing has ever been good enough. I have in the past put it down to me having too big an ego for my own good. But now i think its slightly deeper than that. I genuinely believe that because of my depression and anxiety, that I would never be satisfied. I could climb the highest mountains, and swim the biggest oceans. And still not feel like i have done enough. Just another symptom of an illness. I always think, this will satisfy me, or that will. If i find someone who loves me, and i love them. Then i will finally be satisfied. But deep down I know I never would be. I’d probably reject the love, In the belief that no one who I care for, should have to put up with me. And there is the problem. I search for satisfaction from outside influences. From the task I perform, from the people I know and love. But I will never find it out there. Because inside I am unfulfilled. I need to first try and be satisfied with myself. But I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to do that.

You are not alone

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 12

Today is feeling like a middle of the road kind of one. Not particularly good in any way. But it is at least not going to be particularly bad. These days are important too. People spend so much time focusing on the ex streams. either days that they are so happy and overjoyed, or days that are like hell on earth. The problem being that then “Happy” days are so few and far between. And the bad ones are bountiful. But if we focus on these indifferent days. The days when its neither way. Because when your depressed, or you have anxiety. A day when your just not “Bad” is great. And if on theses days we think. “But I’m not happy” and we make ourselves more depressed. We never stop to think “Well I’m not sad either” 

That’s the thing we have to learn. How to see the silver lining. Even when things aren't their best, at least their not their worst. I know its not as easy as it sounds, believe me. I fail at this a lot. We are programmed to focus on the worst things. because those are the things that effect us most. Its like the way you don’t notice the cleaners and what they do, until they stop cleaning. When their cleaning no one goes, “Hey thank god for the cleaners.” but the second they stop cleaning its “Oh god this place is dirty, where are the cleaners” Its like that, we focus on the bad things because their the ones that are most pronounced in our minds. So when we are not having a bad or good day. If we sit here and go, “Yeah but I am not good” then you become bad. Take comfort in being “comfortable” Its okay. sometimes indifference is a great friend of ours.  

You are not alone. 

“This too shall pass” 

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Omg. yasss

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So wounderful 

“Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.” ~Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Happiest of days to a work of art, Fern @qbn-scholar​!!! Don’t worry Fern, I’m not doing one of those cliché “Fern” photos, I opted for a foggy forest, instead!  😉 Sending lots of *BIG HUGS* and love to you, dear, sweet man!! ~Angie 😙💕🤗

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Positively trying 11

Late one today. Barely making the clock. today has been a humbling one.  With a couple of breakdowns and a few home truths. Almost lost another friend. But They are kind and added me back. I will not do what i did again. Its not helpful for anyone. I am going to try and fix my own problems and stop leaning on others too much. Its not fair on them. There is a difference between talking to friends cos it helps. And talking to friends in the hope they will fix all your problems. And i need to learn that. 

Today will be a short one. mainly because i don’t have much to say today. Its all been taken out of me already. 

I hope everyone has a bearable day. remember your not alone. 

“This too shall pass” 

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Positively trying 10

I’ll write this one early again. As I’m planning to try something today which may result in me either being to sad, or to happy to write later.

We make mistakes, all of us do it. You are not a bad person if you make one. What truly is the defining feature that tells you if your good or bad, is how you act after them mistakes. Do you deny blame, and try to get out of it. Do you take blame but not stop doing the mistake. Like acknowledgement of your mistake is enough. When in fact, proving that you know your doing wrong and then doing it again is worse than denying you ever did wrong. Or do you stand up, lower your head, promise not to make the mistake again, ask for forgiveness and grow from it. That’s the difference between the good and bad people. 

I have done most of these. When I was a kid, id deny blame. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t know. 17 to 20, I’d acknowledge my faults. But never do anything about them. Leading to just more and more issues till eventually everything blew up. And now, I am finally doing the right thing. Standing up, and doing something about my faults. I just hope I haven't messed up too bad. 

I know from my writings it may be hard to tell what I think of myself. The truth is, I don’t like myself very much. The person I am seems to ruin most things he’s put into. And I am sick of it. Self worth is hard, I tell others to love themselves, while also holding a dislike for myself. I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite or not, maybe. But I only tell others to love themselves because I can see so much to love in others, but not much in myself. I am trying to rebuild myself constantly. In hope that at some point I’ll be a “me” that i can be happy with. 

I know it’s hard. But please have love for yourself. You may not see it, but someone will look at you and see something wonderful. And that’ special. try to love yourself a bit

“This too shall pass”

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Positively trying 9

I am going to write this now. As I expect I will either be very sad later and it will come through in the writing. Or I’ll be too happy to remember to write. I am feeling strange right now. I am either making a huge mistake, or I’m going to be very very lucky. Maybe both. But I am hopeful that will all my self-reflection that I’ve been doing, that I have a chance to work things out. I have a shift tomorrow night, so its probably not wise to do anything that could result in me having a break down. But I can’t worry about that right now. 

  I believe I can make things right. And that is enough to keep me going. That hope that I can work things out. Its not all i have, which is what I think others believe. Its just a big part of me. Wanting to fix the things I have broken with my stupid actions. 

If I do fix things. I’m sure the “positively trying” after that will be my most happy one ever. And if I don’t fix things. Well then I will continue to be hopeful here. Because that’s all one can do when all else has failed. So I will always try to be hopeful. 

Please if you are struggling. Do remember you are not alone. There are millions of us, all with our own struggles. And though our situations may be different. Our feelings are still the same. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

“This too shall pass” 

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So beautiful 

“to understand our love they’d have to turn the world upside down” ~Robert Fulghum, From Beginning to End