borderlineteacher

[borderlineteacher]

[borderlineteacher]

I don’t talk about this at all but I’m really struggling financially. I pay for my car, apartment, phone, health insurance, and other medical bills. I seem like I have it all figured out but I don’t. And I’m struggling.

I’m at my parents’ house for the next two days and earlier they sat me down and told me they were going to help me because they see I’m having a hard time with it.

And just like that, my mom zelled me an undisclosed amount of money. It went straight into my savings so I can’t get to it with my debit card. I cried, I was so confused why they were giving this to me. And my dad just said something like, “We decided this is what we’re going to do”.

I don’t think you understand how much this is going to help me.

I don’t think you understand how much I love my parents and will protect them no matter what.

[borderlineteacher]

Living with passive suicidality and functional BPD is wild as fuck.

It’s like…

Sure I get up and go to work and enjoy my job…and yet I also feel so much emotional pain.

I love my family and will defend them until the day I die…and yet I casually want to die on the daily.

I don’t want to be alive on most days…but I also can’t miss my improv class on Tuesdays.

Wild as fuck.

[borderlineteacher]

lol when does it go from “being tired and needing a nap” to “severely depressed and not wanting to be awake”?

Asking for a friend.

[borderlineteacher]

Can’t help but feel proud of myself for this accomplishment, even though I’m not too proud of my current situation.

[borderlineteacher]

I need to stop falling asleep at 7pm and waking up four hours later.

[borderlineteacher]

I hate this.

Today is literally fine. I had a leisurely morning then my sister came over. We were out and about, I got Starbucks, made a nice purchase at kohls. She’s here for dinner and I just put my sheet pan meal in the oven.

So all is fine.

Except at like 2:00pm (it’s now 6), I got this pit feeling in my stomach which happens when I’m dysregulated and decided, as I waited for my sisters train to come in, that I’m gonna self harm tonight.

There’s no way I’d tell her this. She’ll probably leave at like 8:30. And I just have this plan. I can’t even explain what the trigger was because clearly there was none. I have this issue a lot on Sundays.

So I hate this. Because a part of my brain is like no Rivka don’t. And a huge part is just like…yes please do.

[borderlineteacher]

Have you ever had the experience of being friends with someone for a few years, all is well, and then you sit back and assess and realize that so much of what they do and say is very problematic? Hmmm.

[borderlineteacher]

lol @ my insane weight gain wreaking havoc on my entire body.

[borderlineteacher]

Feeling pretty neglected not gonna lie.

[borderlineteacher]

My anger has been through the roof. Like just pure rage at so many things. It’s all consuming and caused me to self harm last Sunday. I don’t know if I can continue to keep it at bay…

[borderlineteacher]

When your roommate kicks you out after two and a half years so her boyfriend can move in except he’s been staying here for weeks at a time to begin with and you’re super uncomfortable because you had no intention of essentially living with a man and basically I feel like a fucking stranger/guest in my own home.

[borderlineteacher]

lol @ my parents wanting to physically escort me to a doctor because of my severe fatigue and constant sleeping but I don’t know how to tell them it’s from severe depression.

[borderlineteacher]

Therapy was so so hard today.

Change is shitty.

[borderlineteacher]

I am happy to see you post again and am sorry you're having a hard time. I've never heard of apparent competence until now and I can definitely relate. It's hard when you externally have it all together but internally feel like you're falling apart. I hope the day is gentle to you. You aren't alone. -💗

This is literally the sweetest message. I’m posting sporadically I guess.

Things are hard right now. It’s difficult to grasp that this is happening right now.

[borderlineteacher]

I walked into therapy today thinking it would be a breeze. I walked into therapy thinking we’d just engage in small talk, that nothing was pressing and I wouldn’t have much to talk about.

She got me talking.

She got me talking about how lately I feel like my life is so monotonous and unfulfilling. That things are missing that I wish I had and I just feel so empty about all of it.

She got me talking about how I haven’t cleaned my room or bathroom or done laundry in way too long. That I sleep at every chance I get. That it’s hard for me to get myself into the shower most days.

She got me talking about how I feel like if one thing comes at me, I’ll spiral into really dark places. She asked me my main feeling in the moment and I just lost it and said sad.

She got me talking about how I wasn’t expecting to cry because after all everything is fine. She asked me if I’ve been able to cry and I said no. She asked me if it was a relief to cry in session. I said yes.

She got me talking about how I invalidate my experience all the time because after all I go to work and am present with my students and truly get my shit done. I must be okay.

She asked me if I had heard of the DBT term apparent competence. I said no.

Today I admitted that I’ve been depressed, like clinically extremely depressed.

And it was terrifying.