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I was feeling like shit today super depressed and disassociated but then I thought about being on reality tv and having tons of fans who love me and hang on to my every word and I magically felt 1000x better. you know my brand of insanity is a doubled edged sword. it's easy to get into the gloom pit but it can be equally easy to get out if I use the right method.

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attaching to somebody that I shouldn't hahahahahahahah. like I will never see him again in two weeks and we won't be able to talk after. he isn't my therapist he is more of a mentor in the place I am at currently and in another life we could have been friends maybe?? but the ethics are in a grey area at best so it's a lost cause. and my brain is doing the fp thing against my will. I feel so much worse when i'm not around him and after I talk to him I feel so much calmer because I believe he actually likes my presence again. he is just so accepting and I know that is his job but I would like to believe the same is true outside of work. I have been more honest with him than most people. I don't have to lie and pretend to be nicer or more sane than I am. I have never been able to just do that before. ughhhhhh i'm insane helpppppp

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the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.

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my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”

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"You’re so polite" thanks i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people.

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i just need to have more rules for myself. more rules and limits. surely that will help me

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I want to stare at you everyday but also never see you again. I want to learn all your secrets and yet know nothing about you. I want to hold you and stroke your hair but if you touched me I would scream. I want to spend my life with you and also leave in the middle of the night leaving only a note on my pillow for you to find. I want to serve your every wish and command and I want you to grovel and adore me while I ignore you. I want to worship you and then desecrate your temple. I want to watch you from afar without you ever knowing. I want to see you fall in love with somebody else just to know you're happy but every time I think of you talking to somebody else rage starts to brew in my stomach. I want it all so instead I have nothing.

but I can't say that. so I just say I'm bad at commitment.

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I won't say something like "God gives the most borderline of personalities to the littlest of lambs" or whatever because that just isn't me but I will say, all things considered, I'm a pretty chill guy

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˚₊‧ ⊰ ⸸ ⊱ ‧₊˚

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How could you do that to me? How could you do that to a child? I'll never be normal. I'll always be fucked up. It's all your fault. It's all your fault.

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I'm so done actually if you aren't a CSA survivor you don't get to decide what is and isn't pedophilia. Ageplay and DDLG and whatever the fuck else aren't "basically pedophilia" because sexual activity between consenting adults ISN'T FUCKING PEDOPHILIA! Dating an ADULT who happens to have "childlike features" isn't pedophilia because they're a FUCKING ADULT! Also!! These sentiments are extremely fucking ableist!!! "It's unethical to have sex with this adult because they have features I deem too childish" will always, without fail, lead to "it's unethical to have sex with this disabled adult because they're basically a child." Also guess what? Comparing ageplay and DDLG to pedophilia does NOT cause the moral outrage you think it does. You're just downplaying the severity of CSA. Sexual attraction to kids is, in so many cases, not the motivation behind assaulting a child. It's the power the adult has over that child. It's the fact that they can hurt someone without having to see them as a person. Because seeing kids as people is considered a radical point of view in the absolute hell world we live in. Child molestation survivors don't need you to speak for us. We've spoken up before, we can do it again. Stop trying to be a goddamn knight in shining armor to us and actually fucking listen for once

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arguments with myself

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my thoughts make me sick

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