broken-down-borderlines

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Drained.

So that convrersation I wasn’t looking forward to with my friends Mom happened yesterday. It was rough. I argued with my friends Mom for about 2 hours before they came downstairs to talk to her themselves. She cried a lot, and it hurt me to see, but I think I conducted myself fairly well. I trutthfully was impressed with myself, I felt a bit anxious during the conversation but I stood my ground and didn’t back down. Which is a huge deal because in the past I would always cave and just agree with whoever I was talking to in order to avoid conflict. Even my friend (FP) was impressed with me, and admitted my medication was definitely working which honestly was a super huge deal. 

She brought up my borderline and basically I said what I wanted to originally say about it. About how even though I have this, I’m not letting it control me and this is how i’ve always been. It wasn’t an easy conversation at all to have, but I made it through.

Maybe just maybe I’m starting to get better? I think I definitely am. I think my medication is definitely working, I’m just really afraid one of these days it’s going to stop. 

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I could use some advice.

Hey there friends. Sorry I haven’t been on here for a while. I guess that’s a good thing because I haven’t really felt like I’ve needed to use this blog. I started taking antidepressants about a month ago, and I’ve been feeling really good recently. I’m significantly less anxious and feeling less depressed. Idk...I feel pretty good. 

I need some advice though. So my favorite person told their mother about my BPD and I guess I’m feeling a little uneasy about it. Primarily because similar to my FP, this woman means the world to me. I’m a little nervous that now that she knows about my diagnosis, she’s going to think less than me? 

Idk. When I get anxious I have conversations with myself as an attempt to calm myself down. I kinda know what I would say to her -- “It’s not a secret that (FP) means a lot to me, and you’ve known me for 6 years now. You know how things went down between us and you know I’m extremely emotional. Whether or not I have this, or you believe I do, I’m me and I have things that I need to work on in order to live a healthy lifestyle (which I desperately want). I’m okay. I have it under control. And I’m not letting this define me.” 

Idk. I guess I am feeling a little anxious about it. Not like...full blown panic attack anxious which is nice. Just more so...uneasy. Her opinion of me means a lot and I’m afraid she’s going to lose respect for me. Which I know sounds stupid, but as we all know, this disorder doesn’t necessarily make the most sense. 

I can just use some validation I guess. If you have any advice or tips for me on how to handle this situation it would be greatly appreciated. 

I hope everyone is doing well <3 I miss y’all. 

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its so hard to tell the difference between whats real and whats not

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I'm so tired

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me: can i act like a normal human being for one second

my brain:

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i would rather be alone forever than someone not enjoy my company for 15 seconds

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sometimes it quiets down, but it never leaves

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I like him so much and I’m so scared of that. I’m scared of feeling. I feel like I haven’t felt in the longest time. It’s like... I’m so used to guys not liking me that I’m afraid he doesn’t. What if he doesn’t? He hasn’t said he does, but he also hasn’t said he doesn’t. He’s definitely interested in me. I just want to be happy and happiness seems perfect with him. 

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my biggest dream is to calm down

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Finland

by: Juuso Hämäläinen

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I'm falling so in love with this boy. I just hope he likes me back 😂

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My fp: is upset/sad

Bpd: omg,, they’re angry, its about you

Me: ..no..it’s completely unrelated …I didn’t do anything

Bpd: no but,,listen,,,, it’s about youuu

Me: shit u right

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yeah hes cute but does he care about your mental health