brokenisntbad

[brokenisntbad]

Recovery

Life has started to shine

Malignancy turned benign

Light shines throughout the day

Turning darkness away

Life is about to change

Everything estranged

New challenges to face

Old habits to erase

Life is fresh and new

Not even a clue

How to manage

A world this challenged

Life has been befuddled

Painstakingly troubled

Tides have begun to turn

New thoughts begin to churn

Life has started to shine

Everything becoming fine

Finally it is clear

That recovery is near

[brokenisntbad]

My Dearest Mother,

I miss you everyday,

Since you went away.

Your whisper in my ear

Wipes away my tears.

A vision in my mind,

Your voice soft and kind.

I pause a moment to reminisce,

About our moments that I miss.

Photographs keep me enthralled,

About the memories I recall.

Oh so many to remember,

My heart glows like an ember.

The fire burns oh so deep,

It will never be put to sleep.

Tears fall as I weep,

Your love I will always keep.

Love,

Little Me

Patricia Taravella

“Big Me”

5/30/44 - 6/7/17

[brokenisntbad]

Dark and dank, I sit alongside the ocean. It is not a pretty ocean; instead, it looks to be an angry ocean. Waves being thrown against the rocky shore. Swells that could swallow me whole. Despite the ravenous water, I relate to those angry. oh, I wish it was morning.

My sense of beauty hath been destroyed; seaweed, red slime algae, make the water look like a battle had left its blood coast along the coast. Beyond the slaughter, the carnage seemed to cease, yet, the water was a tone of gray.

I have to get out of here, this is not the beach I dream of.

While sifting through my bag, I pull out my mascara, nothing like a fresh coat to get your day started, lip gloss was next, in order to help my dried up lips. As I was taming my curly locks, I look down to find a piece of carpet.

Since it looked more comfortable than the rock I was sitting on, I slid over. Woah you're a lot heavier then I remember. Wow!!! Where is that come from. "I've been your magic carpet since you were a child, I've been watching over you; waiting for the time to come when you need me. So, tell me where you'd like to go, I'll take you on a magic carpet ride.

I'd like to go to a beautiful beach, with sand as white as snow, tepid turquoise water, and sunshine that lasts forever.

I couldn't believe my eyes, the carpet rose into the sky and we began to fly.

At first, the sky and water were a bluish-gray color. I laid on my side and too a nap. When I woke, the bright blue sky was filled with sunshine. I sat up, when I looked down, the water was turquoise and see through. At first there was nothing but water and sand. Soon, there were a variety of wildlife; dolphins, sting ray, and manatee. As we approached the shore, the coral, tropical fish, anemone, and shore fish came into sight. Seagull dove toward the shallow water trying to catch some lunch.

As we approach the shore, my magic carpet landed on the hard white sand. Next thing I knew, he became my beach towel. I asked what was next, but he didn't answer.

I got up and walked along the sandy shore, the warm water flowing I've my feet. Upon my return walk, I saw where the waves had washed away my foot steps; like I didn't exist. I walked away from the shore back to my beach towel. It was gone my first thought - how am I going to get home? I sat and pondered, do I really want to go home. I decided no.

It started to sprinkle. There is nothing around, I have no place to go. As the rain picked up, I sat along the shore and listened to the sound of the rain litter pattering on the water.

I woke up in my bed. Rain rapping against the window panes. Dark and dreary, I fumble to my feet. I look out the window, thunder strikes and lightening crashes. I head back to my bed, climb in, and go back to sleep. P

[brokenisntbad]

"Today isn't a new beginning, it's a continuation of ocean waves that continue over time!"

[brokenisntbad]

Welcome 2022

Good Riddance 2021: December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May, April, March, February, January.

Oh what a roller coaster, oh the ups and downs. You will be missed, but you'll also be forgotten.

[brokenisntbad]

I saw this in a post from Andy Speer from Peloton.

In the New Year, I plan to start each day:

1) Read 5-10 minutes

2) Perform 5-10 minutes of warm-up exercises

3) Journal 5-10 minutes

I really like this idea. Honestly, I don't think this is feasible everyday for me, but definitely on weekends.

[brokenisntbad]

Sun shines, leaves fall, snow glistens, flowers bloom.

Pumpkins grow, trees hibernate, bees buzz, beaches near.

Icicles hang, buds appear, warm weather, apple picking.

Blossoms appear, vacation, crops ready, cold sets in.

[brokenisntbad]

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on ...

... 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

- Eric Clapton

Dear Big Me,

I miss you everyday, I love you more than ever. I see you in my dreams, I hear you in my thoughts. Your picture greets me when I walk up the stairs, you speak to me when read the card I carry. The bracelet on my wrist tells me “the love between a mother and daughter knows no distance.” I bought this for myself because I saw it and I know you‘re still here, as for all the things I mentioned above.

As I begin to think about the weeks ahead, you are everywhere! I see us in White Plains, at the Lego Museum. I think of the fish fry we ate while you and Kenny visited. I thought of Gizmo and Charlie when Sam and I watched “A Dog’s Purpose.” I remember shopping at the “Children’s Place” when Sam wears his plaid shorts. I see your eyes within his; I feel your heart beat within mine

I love you and I will carry you always in my heart❣️

All my Love,

Always and Forever,

Little Me

[brokenisntbad]

The Puzzle

[brokenisntbad]

The Bride, The Groom, and the Broken Leg

As I peered out the window on the morning of July 22, 2006, I saw dark skies and raindrops. In the living room, I looked outside and saw rain pinging off the ground. Every woman fears this moment, rain on her wedding day. Hair appointments, makeup and dressing, we needed rain boots and umbrellas, not flip flops and headbands.  During our appointment, the rain subsided, thank heavens; the sky was overcast, better than the dankness earlier in the morning.

We chose Niagara Falls as our venue, as we had several out of town guests. Upon the limousine’s arrival at the cathedral, the rain began again; the limo driver held an umbrella for me as I entered the church. The ceremony was officiated by Reverend Barry Lillis, a former weatherman on a local news channel. Bridal party photos were taken inside the church, then family photos. The bridal party went outside; one bridesmaid asked the groomsmen, whom were from Tennessee, what do you do after the ceremony at a southern wedding?” One replied, “We have a Hoedown.”

Let the fun begin. It was overcast when we walked out of the church, perfect for bridal party pictures at Niagara Falls. The champagne bottle popped and the beer cans gave their sputter. Soon, the adult beverages started to flow. The photographer wrapped up early, so we proceeded to the Seneca Niagara Casino, wedding attire and all. We dispersed to play our favorite games. My destination, the Craps table. Wedding dress in a casino? Hell yes, more champagne!  

Oh boy, a little too much bubbly. The limo arrived at the reception venue, thankfully, we had some time before we were due in the ballroom, I needed some time to sober up. I drank water throughout dinner, as I didn’t want to be a sloppy mess in front of my guests. Dinner far behind, table visits - done, let the good times roll. I changed into a pair of flip-flops and the traditional dances commenced. Afterward, the dancing continued fast dances, slow dances, and everything in between. My mom was of Hungarian descent. Traditionally, the bride engages in the Bridal Dance, where guests pay to dance with the bride. A gentleman named Ray thought it would be fun to drop quarters in my dress because we went to the casino, and then Andy could “hit the jackpot” when we went up to the room. My husband’s family is from Tennessee, at some point, the DJ played Rocky Top. A Rockette’s style line dance broke out. As I was lowering my right leg, my flip flop slid out from under my foot and my leg twisted and buckled, I fell immediately. My friend shouted out “hey, look, there’s a hoedown!” My husband came to help me stand up. I couldn’t get up, I said: “It’s broken!” He lifted my dress and shouted “someone call 911!” The EMTs arrived. They were the most incompetent duo I ever encountered. It took them over half an hour to splint my leg. Then, they wanted to take me to a dinky hospital in Lewiston; I said “no,” we’re going to Erie County Medical Center (ECMC), the trauma hospital in the area. As the ambulance rolled over the South Grand Island Bridge, it stalled and died; good thing I wasn’t having a heart attack! A new ambulance arrived and we were back on our journey. 

I was taken back right away, the perk of arriving in an ambulance. The nurse came to my gurney with a pair of scissors. I asked what they were for and she said to cut your dress. I panicked, I was wearing my mother’s wedding dress. I begged and pleaded, and she finally agreed to help Andy do the honor. As they removed the dress, a flock of quarters fall out and landed all over the bed and floor. We had some explaining to do. Once in my hospital gown, I was wheeled to X-Ray. I looked, OH MY GOD...the break looked worse than bad; it was terrible - tib-fib fracture - the possibility of major surgery. Once back in my section, two orthopedic residents were debating set vs. surgery. They decided to set it; it wouldn’t hurt to be set, even if I needed surgery. They were wrong, it did hurt, it hurt me. I remember the scream, the next thing I remember was waking up with my leg in a cast from toes to hip. Dr. Ritter, the orthopedic surgeon, arrived to see me in the early morning. He explained that I had two options: (1) stay in the cast, non-weight bearing, for eight weeks and take the risk of surgery afterward, or (2) have surgery, use a walking boot for support, and be non-weight bearing for eight weeks. I jokingly asked “which option will allow me to go on my honeymoon?” He said “neither.” He didn’t know me very well and underestimated my determination and persistence. He finally said “surgery.” I chose option two.  

I became the urban legend of the Sandals Resort in Nassau, Bahamas.   

“The bride who broke her leg on her wedding day. And there’s the story of “The Bride, the Groom, and the Broken Leg.”

[brokenisntbad]

My Journey

Oh, where to start... My eating disorder began while I was an adolescent. Product of being overweight and harassed. I recovered rather easily and thought the devil I refer to as “ED” had left my life. I was wrong, I gained over 60 pounds while I was pregnant with my son. Afterward, the doctor told me I was obese, that set me off! Somewhere on my journey to health, I took the path less traveled and found myself in dangerous territory again; only this time, I would not recover easily. I would spend time in and out of a variety of treatment facilities. Throughout treatment I wrote a number of poems. Writing was a way for me to escape through verbalizing my raw emotions. Since, I have come to see the beauty in myself and find comfort knowing I am the person I’m meant to be. 

My wish for you is to find hope in my writings, both old and new. I’m unsure where I want this blog to go, but I envision it being an expression of my life, through good times and bad. 

[brokenisntbad]

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in. I am lost...I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.  I walk down the same street. There is a deep home in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. I walk down another street

Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

There is an escape from dark days. The endlessness of dark and dank eventually moves to light and airy. I am: strong, driven, determined, motivated, dedicated, and enlightened

[brokenisntbad]

Recovery

Life has started to shine

Malignancy turned benign

Light shines throughout the day

Turning darkness away

Life is about to change

Everything estranged

New challenges to face

Old habits to erase

Life is fresh and new

Not even a clue

How to manage

A world this challenged

Life has been befuddled

Painstakingly troubled

Tides have begun to turn

New thoughts begin to churn

Life has started to shine

Everything becoming fine

Finally it is clear

That recovery is near

[brokenisntbad]

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

- C.S. Lewis

[brokenisntbad]

Zero.

I longed to be a zero.

Zero.

I worked hard, I became a zero.

Zero.

I emmersed myself in my goal

Zero.

Soon it wasn’t good enough.

Zero.

I put all my effort into getting closer.

Zero.

I became sick. I lost control.

Zero.

I turned a corner.

Zero.

No longer what I need!

Zero.

Motivation to move forward.

Zero.

Self doubt and urges.

Zero.

Means nothing.

Zero.

I will not go back there.

Zero.

What zero? I’m a perfect 10!

BrokenIsn’tBad

- MTC

[brokenisntbad]

Self Disclosure...

For those of you who don’t know me, I have struggled with weight my entire life. 

I have had highs, I have had lows. Nothing was ever good enough. 

My high: holy crap, I need to lose weight. 

My low: holy crap, I need to lose weight. 

I have been through hell and back. 

I have teetered on the edge.

I have wanted the end to come. 

I have learned a lot about myself.

I am not skinny...it’s ok.

I am healthy, I am happy, 

I am happy, I am healthy.

This is what matters!

[brokenisntbad]

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom

Anais Nin