calmthecrap-blog

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Lifestyle

It’s a long weekend, and that usually means extra time to stop and think. This week I was thankful to have a friday off from work - it had been one of “those” weeks, nurtured through to the end with the help of a few dozen doughnuts and a coffee IV drip straight to my heart. I read a facebook post from sexyladyballs about the glorification (and total BS) of the “busy” lifestyle, and it got me thinking. 

I am one of those “busy” people. We are all one of those “busy” people. It’s the new “insta-life” or whatever it’s called when you see gorgeous 18 year olds on a beach meditating drinking some disgusting green smoothie shit scooped out of an eco friendly garbage disposal (I think it’s called a vitamix, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a blender). The latest filter on our lives to take the world by storm is “busy” - but is it new or is it something we’ve come to realize was already there. A lot like the ‘discovery’ of depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, the new “busy” tag has been there all along, we just didn’t know it. Now we do. 

I find myself desperately wanting to be one of those genuinely zen people who go to hot yoga at 5 AM, drink lemon water, don’t need coffee, and glow inside out with youth and knowledge that everything is great. Is it possible? 

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Shit, I ate it all.

I have a problem with food. It could just be a lack of discipline or full blown addiction, I'm not a professional and have not seen one, but I'm not an idiot and I can see my own self destructivr behavior a mile away. Being fully aware of the problem but failing time and time again to do anything about it causes me a lot of grief. Every few weeks or so I will say "enough!" and vow to never eat junk food again and then a few hours later I'm licking out the inside of a boston cream doughnut from Timmies. It's not pretty, and it's definitely the opposite of calm. Chaos is the word that comes to mind when it comes to my relationship with food.

There is a lot of back story here that without a doubt informs my current situation. First of all, my mother has food issues. She hates food, hates cooking, has turned to staunch vegetarianism, and is always on some crazy diet to stay thin and healthy. She has been on this path since I was little, and while she never really pushed it on my older brothers, I was to become her project. Always chubby, I had failed before I even started. Shamed for eating a cookie once in a while, or enjoying icecream with my friends, food for me became a sweet indulgence afforded only to me when I was out with friends. Mum is brutal about it as well and still does it to this day in private and public. At christmas last year she gave me a smaller plate, saying "remember portion size is key". I remember when I was 14 and started to thin out she said to me "thank goodness I thought we would need to send you to fat camp." In university I decided I wanted to get a bit healthier and lost 30 pounds, and while I tried to do it privately she was there watching, always saying "watch out for this hidden calories..."

My weight has gone through the roof over the last few years. While definitely a symptom of PCOS I can't help but think back on all the hidden chocolate bars and pizza parties for myself and my husband only. The binge fest following another binge fest. Being away from home has given me relief from the criticism, but as a lifetime of habit has dictated, being away has also given me permission to eat as much junk food as I want. That's the trigger, and that is the key to healing myself and calming the crap down.

If it's addiction, that means knowing the foods I go for and cutting them out completely and never having them again, just like alcoholism slipping up is not an option. For me, I love chocolate and candy and salty chips and fried foods and burgers and fries. I also love cake, baked goods, and sugar. I have a sweet and salty tooth. The thing that sets it off is usually starvation because I don't eat lunch and wind up devouring the office candy bowl.

I don't really know how to start. How do you avoid over eating when you can't survive unless you eat? I don't know what it means to feel full.

Please help me.

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Little steps of calm

It's been a while since my last post, and it has to do with a few things. Firstly, my job got crazy busy over the holidays and I lost my calming mojo, there's only so much a person can do and when shit gets nuts even the most dedicated of people can lose their way - so I'm choosing to go easy on myself here, in the name of calm, and letting it slide. Secondly, i needed to have time to actually try some of the calming tactics I talk about before writing again. There was some success, and some flops, but overall I am feeling better. It's important not to look at the past as time you spent doing nothing or "getting worse", every day is a baby step leading to the next day and the next.

Life is continuous and we are always a project. We are not a history paper with a due date that we can forget about once the semester is over, we are always taking steps towards the next thing whether we know it or not. So here are my baby steps towards calm that I hope will help you - these are a bit more practical than the last suggestions I had (I promise):

1. Open yourself up to being silly. All the time. Whenever you can. You will feel so much better for it and you will sleep well.

2. Watch ASMR videos. Get your tingles on, find warmth and comfort, don't be affraid to enjoy the weird stuff sometimes. Anything goes these days.

3. Brush your teeth. Shower. Prep for the day. If you do the work before hand you wont be rushing and getting stressed out before you even leave for the day. Better still, do it all the night before and sleep a bit longer in the morning because sleep is the best.

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What's your routine?

I mentioned in an earlier post I just started a new job. Yesterday marked the one month anniversary and while I still don't know much, I definitely have a routine down. I've focused so much energy into this one thing that I forgot to take care of myself. My routine kind of looks like this:

1. Go to bed wayyy too late, staying up reading on the politics subreddit with full brightness does wonders to prevent sleep.

2. Wake up not early enough. Eat the tiniest breakfast of one egg. Sometimes a piece of white crusty bread, and half a cuo of coffee that I never finish because Im running late

3. Work my ass off until 3 when I realize I should probably take lunch.

4. Fail to take a lunch break, work through my lunch break, bring not enough food.

5. Raid the office candy jar.

6. Raid it again....

7. Drink 5 cups of coffee - two sips of water thats left over from yesterday.

8. Come home and rush off somewhere else.

9. Buy takeout for dinner. Eat all 7 portions.

10. Repeat.

Clearly this is bad. I eat a diet of sugar, coffee, eggs, and bread (more sugar). I maybe sleep 6 hours a night, and I look like garbage because I dont have time (or the knowhow) to make myself look presentable.

My last doctors appointment in October set me on a path to lose weight. I've gained weight and my diet has only gotten worse.

Shit. My crap isn't calm at all....time to go back to the drawing board and start again.

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I need a chill pill

Over the last few weeks I haven’t been on tumblr because I’ve just been “busy.” Adult life is all about being busy and there’s not a lot of time in between to do the things you’d like to do. I got a new job at a nice well established company in town. My commute WITH traffic is only 10 minutes, and the people are lovely. What do I have to be affraid of? Everything. 

I’m terrified of letting these people down before I even get started. I want to be able to do everything and not feel burnt out because of it, and I want to look good too. I’ve managed to gain even MORE weight because I’m too busy to cook us meals, instead we get take out. I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been shaving my legs, and I’ve only JUST had the energy to do a quick filing and clear coat on my nails - the first time in 3 weeks. 

I tried describing the feeling to my husband today and the best I could come up with was “you know when you get so busy you kind of have an out of body experience where you just kinda go on autopilot for weeks and then randomly wake up and look down and realize ‘oh shit I’ve forgotten myself - I forgot I exist’.” That’s how I’ve felt since I started my new job. A weird totally jittery autopilot. In desperate need of a magic chill pill to calm myself down, I remembered I had this blog. The action of writing it out is all I need for the moment. That and some b12. 

I’ve been kind of struggling with my PCOS too, on top of the weight gain I’ve noticed that my body is just generally not happy with me. It could be the shitty diet, the waking up early, the constant stress of a new job where you know absolutely nothing but have to pretend to know everything...in all honesty it’s probably nothing to do with PCOS and is just all that stuff, but I have to remind myself - again - that my body exists too, not just my worries. 

Rather than try to fix this right now, I think the best thing I can do is just stop and be physical - be present. Just for a moment. 

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Asymmetrical pituitary??

So my husband and I went to thr long anticipated appointment at the hospital to discuss my pituitary adenoma. Apparently the MRI that seemed to confirm a pituitary adenoma was actually inconclusive. The specialist seemed a bit thrown off by my previous doctor confirming anything when theres nothing really to confirm it on the scan.

Why on earth would a doctor tell me I have a thing, when the test didnt confirm anything??

All it said was my pituitary is asymmetrical. That, and my symptoms, suggest the presense of a microadenoma, but the MRI didn't find it.

Another MRI next year is the only thing to do at the moment. At least I dont have to shell out for some expensive drugs yet.

Has anyone had this kind of diagnosis before?

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Not alone

So I had a breakdown on Sunday morning. It all kind of just hit me and I dont think I've felt that disgusting and low since highschool. The difference being this time I was the one degrading and bullying myself into misery, while the time before was caused by the hands and words of a young and stupid boy, who I hope has grown since then.

I've felt increasingly low for weeks. The move across country was amazing, I have no regrets and life here is wonderful, except we have no jobs and have spent thousands setting up our new married life. I like to stay busy, being unemployed is stressful, not finding any work to apply to even more so. With these things out of my control, on top of an approaching doctors appointment and struggling to stay on track for my pcos it all started to get to me.

I woke up, had breakfast, kind of shuffled to the bedroom and started to panic and cry. I got in the shower and bawled, I dont even know where to begin. It was a flurry of millions of negative thoughts about my body, how my feelings have affected our relationship, and it was like I discovered I was the one at fault for all these things.

Instead of clamping up, I got the courage to tell my husband everything, and he was so warm and wonderful. I asked him for help and he gave openly and continues to do so. I recognise in myself the patterns that happen when I get low and ask him to help me so I can help myself too.

I did that thing where you forget you have partners, friends, and family to help you. I did that thing where you become so internally focused that you forget theres another perspective, other souls matter including yourself.

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Please give me patience....

Having to wait to see the specialist for my pituitary adenoma is killer. The gyno who broke the news told me very little, just that it wasnt serious and more of a nuisance than anything. I worry because every time I see a different doctor they give me a radically different opinion. I have yet to see two doctors who share even a fraction of the same opinion. How is that even possible?

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Hormonal? Always.

What do you do when you're feeling "hormonal"? In my case I get "hormonal" throughout the month regardless of if it's shark week or not. There doesn't seem to be much logic behind it and it creeps up on me and I don't notice until I've ended a crying session about kittens with a bowl of shredded cheese as a snack. How do we deal with this crap?

First of all, it makes sense to treat the real issue instead of covering it up with bandaid solutions. That being said, for people like me with pcos and in-between seeing doctors, we need something better than a bandaid but not as intense as going to the ER or gyno, who will keep telling us the same thing anyways; take your birth control, lose weight, exercise more.

That's all fine and dandy, but it doesn't give you day to day things to deal with it, so here's a list of 10 things I do to deal, in no particular order:

1. Brew up some tea

2. Have a hot bath or shower

3. Do a mani/pedi

4. Make and eat a ealthy dinner

5. Find a spot and be quiet

6. Watch "Clueless" again

7. Text my friends back home

8. Eat Chocolate

9. Read the filthiest romance novel

10. Watch ASMR videos

You can do all of these, one of these, or none of these. What do you do to cope?

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Check yourself before you wreck yourself

I find it strange, but the doctor assured me its totally normal, that the discovery of my pituitary adenoma happened at the same time I was diagnosed with pcos. Apparently symptoms overlap and they like to check women who have pcos for pituitary adenomas when certain symptoms present. In my case, my boobs started to bleed.

I was in the tub, doing my sue diligence by completing a self breast exam (breast cancer runs in my family) and suddenly and painlessly my boob started bleeding when I gave it a light squeeze. It was dark, terrifying, kind of gross, and I sat there in shock. I never thought I'd actually find anything during these self exams, and then I went and actually found something. No one prepares you for that moment.

Fast forward to the doctors appointment, I show her, she sends a sample away, thinks its prolactin and just a result of being a normal woman. I get sent to a specialist twice, my boobs didnt bleed during those sessions and she dismissed it as totally nothing. I got referred to a gyno for the pcos case that was developing, she said it absolutely was not normal and I got sent for an MRI.

Somewhere in the middle I saw that useless specialist and gave her a piece of my mind. It was so satisfying. As I left she said she still didnt see the need for an MRI when apparently lactating blood is "totally normal bodily function." Fuck that noise.

So now I have a confirmed pituitary adenoma that is causing my boobs to lactate. Somewhere in the last year it changed from blood to prolactin, or whatever its called when your boobs produce milk earlier than they are needed.

The point of telling this story is to raise awareness for how strange pituitary adenomas can be, and of course to ask everyone to do self breast exams. Its so important. Please go do it now.

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Not everyone binges, but most people overeat at times. If you…

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Me: "Lets get healthy and never eat out again"

Husband: "we can do it!"

Two minutes later...

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Pcos and sexuality

Not sure if this is the place to talk about this, but I've had a hard time finding any online open forum for women with pcos that discusses their struggles with sexuality in a candid and honest way. Surely I can't be the only one with questions, I can't be the only person wanting to see if anyone else has the same struggles I do, or at least something like them.

We cannot be ashamed of who we are and the struggles we face every day. I feel like the only thing that comes up with pcos is fertility. My friends show concern about us not being able to have children potentially, and the doctors never mention anything beyond the multitude of health risks, the importance of adhering to canadas food guide and exercising, and taking the pill. Where is the concern for being able to express ourselves sexualy and sensually? Maybe I'm not looking in the right spot.

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The 90 second rule

I read on tumblr this morning about a 90 second rule for coping. I was having an extremely anxious moment, brimming with tears and unsure of why I was upset but filled with millions of reasons at the same time, and I took to tumblr for help.

Burried in the posts was a small one about the 90 second rule. When you're having some kind of problem, give yourself 90 seconds. I thought this was usefu and solid advise so I gave it a shot. I wound up taking 10 minutes and came out on the other end better for it.

Next time you're dealing with crap, I encourage you to at least try it. It was amazing for me and I hope it is for you too.

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Trich

I have had trichotillomania for many years and somedays it feels like second nature and that it's no different than breathing. And just like I panic when I can't breath, I also panic when I can't pull and the urge is there. I've gone through phases where I barely pull at all, and this year saw a triumph and very recently a blow, in the last few months I gained control of my pulling in one area by getting a nape shave, and in the last week or so I've gone and created a huge bald patch in the spot I thought I'd left behind long ago.

The nape shave for me wasn't about getting rid of the hair I was pulling at, whoch I had heard didn't work and the hairdresser even cautioned me when I told him my plan. For me it had been a battle of having to hide my head in shame and embarasement since I was in highschool, and now that nape shaves are cool I could wear a bald nape with pride and take control. No one would ever know. I know it's time for a haircut now when my fingers start weaving into the new growth.

The patch on the top of my head is where I first pulled significantly. It's the reason I part my hair on the side and have done since I was about 11. I remember wearing those big denim fabric hairbands that were chic in the early 2000s and my friends all said I looked great, but they didn't know the real reason...

I sat watching Downton Abbey with my husband tonight, we are in the second season and hes watching for the first time. I've watched since it first aired. I spent the entire tike absent mindedly pulling and scratching and I have no idea why. I have tracked it all in the past and the only thing I noticed was a lack of focus. It's almost exactly like how I wind up eating junk food. It's not so much an urge to pull but an absent mindedness.

At the same time, I do get that burning itch that draws me to it. It's not always absent minded. Sometimes I actually want to do it and actively seek that satisfaction of pulling out that strand that doesn't fit in. Is it weird to experience both?

Not entirely sure how to deal with this particular load of crap. Maybe I will figure it out tomorrow.