capn-schmazz
capn-schmazz
the Sitchen Kink
30 posts
i make bad jokes and rant about random crap for our collective amusement | 'thrift, thrift, Whorey!'
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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david tennants so funny to me cuzĀ  hes like. a very private and quiet person. and all characters they call him to do are like mr slutty mcthot
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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Hollywood Edges Closer To Strike With Cinematographers Vote
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Wednesday September 29,2021
L.George
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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regarding Squid Game (E1)
This might be an unpopular opinion but I think Squid Game should be the show to end the ā€˜scenes of extreme violence set to beautiful music’ trick.Ā 
don’t get me wrong, this is a nitpick about Squid Game and this is a nitpick about the television and film scene i’ve been seeing in the past decade, but I really think its overdone.Ā 
I really love scenes that have added depth by way of music usage, like when using beautiful music in extreme violent scenes, and sometimes its done very well. For example, (and i’m guessing, but this probably happened in Hannibal) a beautiful song overlaid a violent scene can show the audience how the character we’re focusing on finds beauty in the violence. Aka: using music to show perspective (we would also have to keep the camera on the subject of focus though to keep the theme). The problem with this is that so often the songs don’t actually relate to the scene or the character by themselves. Would the subject in focus actually listen to the song in their free time, outside of the director’s artistic vision? Sometimes the answer is yes. In the case of Squid Game, the director did a great job of relating theĀ ā€˜Fly Me To The Moon Track’ to the little toy jazz performance set on the table, even the iced liquor (which reads very Sinatra). While I wish the song related more to the game itself, since that was our primary focus, not the liquor drinking masked man, its a use I will allow.Ā 
Mr. Robot is a brilliant show, diminished only in my eyes by its show finale (unpopular opinion again), and uses music like this constantly. Sometimes a home run, sometimes a solid swing, and sometimes a swing and a miss, but regardless, overall it was done well. What I want to start seeing shows do is relate the music back to the scene or the subject in a true-to-the-character or scene way.Ā 
LikeĀ ā€˜Lust For Life’ in Trainspotting’sĀ ā€˜Choose Life’ intro. While a little on the nose, it fits perfectly not only with the lines and the content of that scene, but the upbeat energy of the song both matches and mocks the scene. (While the gusto matches the running and the football, in reality they’re heroin addicts getting closer to death with every dvd player they steal. Which is also the pun inĀ ā€˜choose life’.ā€Ā 
That example might be a little too on the nose. So I’ll go back to The Squid Game.Ā 
I like song usage to capture the energy or the content or the character in the scene that it’s in. What bugged me about Squid Game’s use was how much it seemed to be trying to be that. It went on for ages, it was this delicate, beautiful song that really didn’t have much attachment unless you analysed it really hard, and I felt like I’d seen it all before. In the elevator ding and the liquor glass, in the boots on the shiny floor and the oddly detailed object that ties us back to the song: I’ve seen this before. In Mr. Robot, in Hannibal, in Breaking Bad, in all these shows no matter how successfully they’ve done them, I’ve seen it all before.Ā 
The Umbrella Academy uses music carelessly. It tries to do what Squid Game did, what Mr. Robot did, etc, etc. They know what it should look like from an aesthetic perspective, but don’t put much thought into the musical selection.Ā 
And when I think about it, I really want to stop the cliche, or whatever it is. Beautiful music to horrible things, when done delicately or in the ways I’ve described holds up. If you rely on the aesthetic aspect of your music choices to make the scene work, you’ve got to rethink it. Aesthetically pleasing? Sure. Does it make much sense in the context of the scene? No. Even if you stretch it? Still no. So please, I want to see a new pattern of music usage instead of this constant trope of the ā€˜beauty in violence’ aesthetic. I agree violence can be beautiful, but only from specific perspectives. Otherwise it’s just glorification.Ā 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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aren’t all rats technically ā€œrat bastards.ā€ i mean they don’t have a concept of marriage
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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did you know i make edits
hello neglected followers
i like video editing and i like elliott smith and i recently watched Trainspotting. these are a throuple made in heaven so here is the polyamorous product:Ā 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_MtXITLSYc&ab_channel=abowlofcurry
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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currently my favorite memes are the rlly shitty completely out of context DT doctor who memes from like 2009
for context:Ā 
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they make no senseĀ 
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this one is good because not only is it Hamlet and not the doctor but that is a recorderĀ 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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I really hate those stupids posts that are like:
ā€œWhat about REAL monster girls??? Not just weird humans??Ā like real huge MONSTERS?? With giant sharp claws and big sharp teeth?? Where are those???ā€
You’re thinking of bestiality. You want to fuck a T-Rex.
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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forget the Snyder cut I want to see the series 8 Doctor WhoĀ ā€˜12 grinningly stating the obvious’ cutĀ 
he’s so wholesome look how happy he is though :)
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Series 8 deleted scene. I cannot fathom why.Ā 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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how to make mint chip ice cream at home
step 1 - take vanilla ice cream out of the freezerĀ 
step 2 - take out chocolate chips
step 3 - while you wait for the ice cream to thaw, get some Extra brand mint gum and chew it, but don’t swallow the juices!
step 4 - with the ice cream thawed, put a spoonful in your mouth
step 5 - add chocolate chip to your mouth
step 6 - dont spit out gum!Ā 
step 7 - chew all of it together and enjoy your homeade mint chip ice cream! don’t swallow the gum!
repeat steps 4-7 to continue eating mint chip ice cream.Ā 
happy summer :)
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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11 reasons why you should settle for regular spotify!!!!!!!
1. you save money! with minimum wage being abysmally low and covid-19 killing careers and job requirements being ridiculous and college loans crippling people who are even in their mid-fucking-40s, is it really worth the 8.99 a month just to--
2. educational ads! do you want to be told to join the military every three songs? i bet you do. with regular spotify, you will never have to look up st. joseph’s college ever again! you’ll get all the information in between songs on billie eilish’s new album so the flow of the tracklist is interrupted by the violent screams of republican college recruiters!
7. the money one again still not a billionaire? didn’t think so.Ā 
5. but the students oh yes the student discount i forgot about that, anyway
9. a 13th reason want to cry? want a playlist to help with that? great! here’s xxxtentacion’s jocelyn flores, affection by cigarettes after sex, and oh look here comes a sPOTIFY PREMIUM AD TO TELL YOU HOW SHITTY YOU ARE FOR NOT JUST SPENDING THE 8.99 I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SPEND IT ON ANYWAY, THAT FUCKING TSHIRT IN YOUR AMAZON CART THATS BEEN THERE FOR THREE MONTHS I MEAN ITS BEEN SO LONG DONT TELL ME UR GONNA BUY IT NOW AFTER ALL THIS TIME
6. it aides procrastination having trouble doing homework? put on some lofi tunes. oh whats that? there’s an ad for st patrick’s day whisky in the middle of the summer? guess we have to go look up the alcohol percentage level on their website because we’re going to stay sooooo focused tonight beca--oh shit 47%?!Ā 
3. abstinence of form or wait no is it abscence or absitinesnce whateverfuck it wwho whants to jfill out a dujmbo stupid onlinje odrer forum? i sure ashell dontt. and its not becos im drunk becasye shush ican quit whenbver i wnt.Ā 
11. i hate myself torture yourself with this brilliant slow method, nail biting, teeth grinding, spine stretching, joint breaking, migraine inducing, rage infested device that will age you faster than a bottle of st patricks day whisky in august.Ā 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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OMIGOD GUYS GUYS GUYS WE RE-RELEASE MANHATTAN (woody allen film) AS A PHOTOGRAPHY BOOK.Ā IT WOULD SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS. we could enjoy the beauty of the film without the terrible plot. i mean woody allen literally is dating a teenage girl in it. so boom photography book instead
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well maybe not all the problems would be solved but my point still standsĀ 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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i can never watch manhattan ever. just ever no never please no its very pretty but no.Ā 
some people deserve to die but the death penalty is not the answer, as soon as you give the government the ability to kill without repercussion they will find some way to weaponize that against political enemies and minorities. the solution? let me run around with a baseball bat
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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He’ll get us out of here. The difficult part is not killing him before he can. Also, there’s the puns.
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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the Panda vs Aliens remake none of you asked for
disclaimer: I have not yet actually watched Panda vs Aliens.Ā 
IN a galaxy far, far away (I just saw star wars IV about 30 minutes ago) I was searching for the Godfather by scrolling through the various alphabetically organised movie titles on my tv’s ā€˜on demand’ menu. I reached theĀ ā€˜p’ section and was just flipping to the next page when I saw it. The best movie title that has ever graced my eyes and the best movie title that everĀ willĀ (grace my eyes). You already know it. Panda vs Aliens. I only caught a momentary glance at it as well, as I’d just flipped the page. So I went back to that letterĀ ā€˜p’ menu and as it buffered I sat in nervous anticipation, wriggling with excitement at what I’d just seen while simultaneously preparing myself for the fact that I could’ve been mistaken. But as you can already guess, I wasn’t.Ā 
I haven’t yet had time to actually watch the movie but I did a bit of research and what it essentially comes down to is: A panda (or multiple pandas? I’m not sure) goes into outerspace and fights some aliens to save the world. I mean that is a fucking epic motion picture right there. Fucking pandas?! Fighting aliens?! Wicked.Ā 
This is the thing. It’s not exactly good quality. Panda vs Aliens (god I love saying the title) came out April 9th of this year. It’s a computer animated movie that looks worse than Shrek and that shit came out in 2001. Not that Shrek is shit.Ā 
But I mean just look at the still.Ā 
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That’s like Free Online Games at crazygames.com level animation.Ā 
There are also several other issues. Although somehow executive produced by Stan Lee from beyond the grave (I mean this can’t be a money-maker either like cmon) the, I’m assuming, main character is literally Po from Kung Fu Panda. It’s him. It’s literally him. But that’s not all.
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Look at the fucking poster. Number one, I don’t even want to know what’s on imposter-Po’s shirt, let alone why the animation quality on him is so much worse than the purple gorilla standing next to him. And why the fuck is the alien a purple gorilla? That isĀ not an alien. I don’t know who thought it was. But that’s a purple gorilla in some spandex pants and some forearm bling. He doesn’t even have nipples. I mean to be fair, gorillas aren’t purple and they definitely have nipples, so in theory this gorilla could be an alien. Possibly a gorilla breed from a different planet that falls under the umbrella term ofĀ ā€˜alien’... nah, I still hate it.Ā 
So here’s my plan. The remake nobody asked for.Ā 
First things first: Live action.Ā  This thing was computer animated. Now if I know anything it’s that you can’t animate science fiction like a flash-player game. Us geeks are already in enough trouble as it is without having to compete with Realistic Zombie Survival (free on crazygames!) for graphics. I propose we cross actual sci-fi effects with proper CGI live action animation. I’m talking Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. We cross Alien or like original Star Wars type alien effects, or maybe the current Star Trek movies just to give it a boost in technology, with the grit and realism of the apes from The Apey Dawn,Ā except the apes are pandas.Ā 
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Alien, 1979
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Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, 2014
Now I want Steven Spielberg on this. I’ll take JJ Abrams in a pinch, but I want Spielberg. I’m talking E.T., Back to the Future. I’m talking Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Fucking Jaws man. Spielberg has got the experience I’m looking for in this. He’s got plenty of sci-fi experience, plenty of CGI experience, and he’s got the intense, dramatic, glorious flair that he can add to these films.Ā 
Thirdly, I know we saw this coming, but we need Simon Pegg and Nick Frost involved. Simon is our sci-fi/comedy king and you can’t have him without Nick. They have to be on the writing team. Originally Panda vs Aliens is anĀ ā€˜animation, comedy, sci-fi, family’ flick, but we can shave that to a live-action science fiction Shaun of the Dead-esque comedy rated 13+. I would say ratedĀ ā€˜R’ but I don’t have faith, based on the inspiration alone, that ā€˜R’ rated people would actually come watch it. To be fair, PaulĀ was rated R and that was pretty childish but...c’est la vie.Ā 
The only thing left uncovered is the exact design of the aliens who (I assume) are our antagonists (to be fair, I still haven’t seen the movie so there could be a plot twist or something, but that purple gorilla’s smirk was too gloating to be good). So, we need a dream cast, a couple more writers to fill our writing room, a design for the aliens, and perhaps an entire re-design of the universe. The poster and stills aren’t giving me much hope for the writing. So, here’s the plan. I’ll watch the movie and I’ll get back to you. It’s only 80 minutes and I found it for free so it’s not as if I’m wasting my life.Ā 
till then. peace out.Ā 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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some top 5′s
At this specific moment in time, floating in this section of the universe, on this molecule, breathing in these atoms, these are my top 5′s for my categories of entertainment.Ā  ------ Films Ā - Shaun of the Dead (the whole trilogy honestly but you know that by now) Ā - Napoleon DynamiteĀ  Ā - Hamlet (2009) Ā - Wreckers Ā - Little Miss SunshineĀ 
TelevisionĀ  Ā - Spaced Ā - BroadchurchĀ  Ā - The Thick of ItĀ  Ā - Doctor Who Ā - KiddingĀ 
Books Ā - The Alchemist by Paulo CoelhoĀ  Ā - Night Watch by Terry Pratchett Ā - The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman Ā - The Patrick Melrose Series by Edward St. Aubyn Ā - Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
Bands/Musicians Ā - Cap’n Jazz Ā - Radiohead Ā - Do Nothing Ā - Oliver Tree Ā - Gorillaz
Television episodesĀ  Ā - The Waters of Mars (s4 special, Doctor Who, 2009) Ā - Battles (s1e4, Spaced, 1999) Ā - Spinners and Losers (s2e5, The Thick of It, 2007) Ā - Broken pt 1 & 2 (s6e1&2, House, 2009) Ā - Human Nature/The Family of Blood (s3e8&9, Doctor Who, 2008)
Albums Ā - Tommy (The Who, 1969) Ā - Analphabetapolothology (Cap’n Jazz, 1998) Ā - Gorillaz (Gorillaz, 2001) Ā - American Football (American Football, 1999) Ā - OK Computer (Radiohead, 1997)
Songs Ā - Basil’s Kite (Cap’n Jazz) Ā - Glueland (Do Nothing) Ā - Loaded (Primal Scream) Ā - Vertigo (U2) Ā - So Young (Suede)
Plays Ā - King Richard III Ā - The Seagull Ā - The Pillowman Ā - Hamlet Ā - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are DeadĀ  ------
If we make Do Nothing popular they might come and do some gigs in the US so let’s do it. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?Ā 
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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The Royle Family Intro vs. Spaced Intro
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capn-schmazz Ā· 4 years ago
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