catherineday

[catherineday]

I don’t feel like I deserve to live today.

I’ve had nearly two weeks now of good days. Of being able to get out of bed relatively easily, of going outside and doing things, cleaning around my house, running errands, reading a book for the first time in so long.

And then I woke up today and it was gone.

I took care of my pets, and now I feel like I can’t leave my bed. I have no interest in eating. I’m just laying here, aimlessly scrolling. Not listening to anything and just letting my thoughts drown me.

‘You’re pathetic.’ ‘You shouldn’t be here.’ ‘Everyone would be happier with you gone.’ ‘They all deserve better.’ ‘You’re just wasting space.’

And I just wish I could go back to yesterday. When the world didn’t seem so dark and hard. When getting out of bed didn’t seem so impossible and maybe I wasn’t happy, but I felt normal.

Depression is so difficult.

And I’m going to let myself have today. To stay adrift, but not drown. Knowing it’s not permanent. Knowing I won’t feel like this forever and holding on to yesterday. And just hoping that tomorrow will be better.

[catherineday]

Can we talk about depersonalization? How fucking hard it is to survive when you feel like you don’t exist? When the world around you looks hazy and all memories are fuzzy? You remember things and people, but they feel like they belong to someone else. It’s someone else’s memories and someone else’s body that you’re living in. And maybe if you die, you’re really just waking up. Because this doesn’t feel like existence, this feels like a dream world and you’re tired. So tired. Of waiting for something to feel real in a world that makes you feel small and fake. You’re attempting to be human, the human you’re impersonating. Trying to do and say how you think they’d react to things, but you have no idea. Because you’re not you. And people tell you this is you, this is real. But how the fuck do you fight a brain that convinces you nothing is real, nothing matters, and the body you’re inhabiting isn’t your own? How do you force the will to live when you don’t feel like you’re living? I’m. So. Tired.

-Struggling Pod Person

[catherineday]

“What’s wrong?”

I want to leave. I'm not happy. I feel unwanted and just want to runaway. I wake up miserable and feeling dread and I just want to fucking escape everything. I cut myself for the first time in months a couple of weeks ago, I think about dying all the time and I'm doing so fucking horribly and nobody notices or questions. And I don't know if it's because I'm good at hiding it or it's just easier to pretend I'm fine so they don't have to deal with it. I'm not okay. That's what's going on.

[catherineday]

A year ago today I lost my soulmate; my boyfriend, my best friend, my partner in adventures, and my home. It’s been a year since I last saw him, since our cat last saw her dad, since we last kissed, last hugged, last touched. We broke up a year ago today and not a day goes by where he’s not on my mind. As I type this a band we loved plays because the universe loves doing things like that to me. We still spoke about a couple of months after we broke up until I moved and decided it was time to say goodbye and get my fresh start. Five months later and I heard from him again and we tried to be friends, but it was hard. How can you be just friends with someone you share such a strong connection with still? So we’d push and pull away from each other the second we’d feel we were getting too close. Up until a few weeks ago where I said goodbye for the second time, determined moving forward would be what’s best for the both of us and how could we do that when such a significant reminder of our past was there? So on this day I’m sending him positive vibes and trying to remain optimistic. I surrender to the universe and trust that if more is meant for us, we’ll cross paths again in the future.

It’s been a year today, I hope you’re well.

[catherineday]

And there’s times where I’m more optimistic

And I’m able to think

That even if we didn’t last

Even if there’s no more to us than the past

I’m so glad that at least for a moment

We were infinite

[catherineday]

And sometimes all you need is to sit outside whilst a storm rages on around you; enough to rival the one warring on within you

[catherineday]

I’m trying to give you your space,

But I really miss you being my best friend

I know things aren’t the same,

But can’t we start over?

Don’t you want that?

Or are you forever okay with pulling away whenever we get close?

[catherineday]

I've let go of you,

But I won’t lie

There will always be a part of me

That hopes you and I get it right

[catherineday]

Am I ready now?

[catherineday]

Letting You Go

I don’t want to be in love with a ghost

Maybe I’ll see you again someday and we’ll fall in love all over again and get our fresh start

But I’m not holding onto you any longer because I believe in fate

And if you’re not the one, someone else is bound to be

[catherineday]

"How can someone truly deeply love you and still not choose you?" She asks as tears stream down her face.

"How could someone be so broken? What must life had done to them?" She asks hopelessly.

@catherineday

[catherineday]

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑒 𝒹𝑜𝑒𝓈𝓃'𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓂𝒶𝑔𝒾𝒸 𝓉𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝓊𝓃𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝓊𝓈

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓂𝒶𝑔𝒾𝒸 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝓁𝑒𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓊𝓁𝓂𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓈 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓁𝒶𝓈𝓉 𝒶 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝒾𝓃 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹𝓈 𝓌𝒽𝒾𝒸𝒽 𝒷𝓇𝒾𝓂 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒾𝓉

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹 𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝑜𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓁 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓈𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝓊𝓈𝓉𝒶𝒾𝓃

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓌𝑒'𝓇𝑒 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓎 𝒶𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹 𝒾𝓈 𝒿𝑒𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓊𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝓈𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃

𝒮𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓎 𝒸𝓇𝑒𝑒𝓅𝓈 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑜 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒷𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓈

𝒦𝑒𝑒𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓊𝓈 𝒶𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉

𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓀𝑒𝑒𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓊𝓈 𝒽𝓊𝓂𝒶𝓃

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝓇𝒶𝒾𝓃; 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒿𝑒𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓊𝓈𝓎, 𝓊𝓃𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈, 𝒹𝒾𝓈𝓈𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓈𝒻𝒶𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃, 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓂𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝒽𝓊𝓂𝒶𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝓇𝒶𝒾𝓉𝓈

𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓈𝒽𝑒𝓈 𝓈𝑜 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓃𝑔𝓁𝓎 𝓌𝑒'𝒹 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓀 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝒾𝓃

𝐵𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒽𝒶𝓁𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹

𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓁𝒶𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽 𝒶 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓈𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅𝓈

𝑀𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝓂𝒶𝑔𝒾𝒸 𝓌𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓅 𝒷𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝒾𝓃

𝑅𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝓉 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓇𝓈

𝐼𝒻 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓌𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝐵𝓇𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓉𝑜 𝓁𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉

@catherineday

[catherineday]

I’m sorry for the child I once was. She deserved better than she got. And I wish she had gotten it instead of just somewhere along the way accepting that her parents weren’t capable of valuing her worth. And not even caring enough to want them to one day see it.

[catherineday]

If you ever really loved me, you’d come back to me someday.

[catherineday]

I think I’ll always love you, you know. But although it terrifies me and a part of me doesn’t want to, I think I’m ready to let go now.

Forever your soulmate, just not forever yours

[catherineday]

You saw an adventure fire in me and grew scared I'd never be yours to keep

So I dimmed my fire and with time it had burned completely

And as you saw me diminishing before your very eyes you just wanted the wild woman I was back

So she fought her way out of the cage I had placed her in for months, fumbling and staggering to see the light and break free

But when she finally managed her way out, she still wasn't enough

For now you had changed and turned cold, selfish, distant

And though I had spent months working my way back to you, I knew you'd never return the favor

Because with us it was never about timing or people

It was about destiny and lessons

And we were meant to meet and fall in love

But we were always meant to hurt and leave the other

For only through pain will we ever truly grow and we were always just meant to be a karmic lesson, meant to be the catalyst for great change and growth within the other

And the people we grow to be, were never meant to meet

[catherineday]

Us meeting and falling in love was inevitable, so how could I not believe us falling apart wasn't as well?