cecilialisbon13 - Tumblr blog

[cecilialisbon13]

like there comes a point where you think something is fundamentally wrong with you. and then it turns out it’s just Friday and you haven’t washed your hair in three days and maybe you’re also just a little lonely and the combination of all three of those things is whittling a hole into your chest every time you breathe. but also the sun’s up. and you’ve survived everything so far, so you’ll survive this too, even if it hurts, even if you have to survive it many times.

[cecilialisbon13]

i know you chose me and i should be over the moon and i am i’m in the stars but the problem is that i forgot in space you can’t breathe i forgot that with the sun lighting me up you’ll see all my flaws i forgot that if you get close to me you’ll realize how little i’ve got that i’m just a mess and bad with love and worse with other people that i’m alive only by the grace of god and barely living anyway and that you are too good for me and i know it i know it like yeah i should be living in the moment but what happens when you find out that you gave me your heart but i don’t know how to hold it

[cecilialisbon13]

It was all my fault. It was my fault that I let you manipulate me and made me believe I was wrong and apologise to you. While it should have been the other way around.

[cecilialisbon13]

People say that a rock gets chiselled for a long time before it turns into something marvelous.

But what if I'm not a sculptor

What if I tried too hard to make it perfect, now there isn't any left of me to start over.

What if, what I have now is the most I'll ever have.

Cause the more I try to shape my life, the more I lose of myself, till there is nothing left.

[cecilialisbon13]

For anyone who doesn't know what's going on in Canada right now (which, let's be real, is probably everyone who's not in Canada):

This week, a mass grave was discovered at a former Indian Residential School, in Kamloops, BC. The grave contained the bodies of 215 Indigenous children.

For people outside of North America, residential schools were places that Indigenous children were sent to, to have their language and culture stripped away from them. They were literally stolen from their families, and scattered across Canada, to ensure that they would be surrounded by children who didn't speak their language. They were given Christian names and forced to speak English. They were horrendously abused, and the survivors have been traumatized.

Hundreds of children never returned. The assumption has always been that they died. This has now been confirmed.

The school in Kamloops closed in 1978. They are now trying to identify bodies to inform family members. The last residential school closed in the 1990s. There is growing demand to search all of them, but the government hasn't responded to that, as of yet. Ottawa JUST gave in to pressure to fly the Canada flag at half mast. They weren't even going to do that.

This is the reality if anti-Indigenous racism in Canada. The residential schools may be closed, but that hasn't stopped the abduction of Indigenous children, let alone the hundreds of missing and murdered Indigenous women.

[cecilialisbon13]

[cecilialisbon13]

If I ever lose this never ending battle between life and death, just remember

You were the one reason I fought it till I did,

You were my Armor and the healer of my bloody wounds,

You were that something I lived for,

And I am sorry for being such a fragile fighter.

[cecilialisbon13]

" Am I not good enough for them? "

Maybe they have a different type, maybe they don't want to date anybody right now, maybe they're having a rough patch and want to be alone. Just because somebody does not want to date you doesn't mean you're not good enough. Stop doubting your self worth. You're so much more than just enough. Stop thinking that the problem is always you because it isn't. Stop thinking that you're not enough.

[cecilialisbon13]

The first time your sad brown eyes had met mine, taking a look at my soul like it's a open book, I think I knew. I knew you are going to be my once in a lifetime kinda love. Maybe. Or maybe I didn't, I just saw a regular person and turned away like you are someone that didn't matter.

The first time your steady hand held mine, lacing your strong fingers between my fragile ones, I think I knew. I knew we'd fit together like the pieces of a broken vase. Maybe. Or maybe we don't, we just come together and fill the empty spaces of the said vase with our love for each other.

The first time your lips parted and said 'i love you', slowly, nervously, your gaze unwavering. I think I knew. I knew you will always be a part of me, even if I am not here in this world, my love for you will always be here. Maybe. Or maybe I didn't, I just said those three powerful words back, looking down at my shoes shy, wanting to hold you tight till you can't breathe.

But at the end of the day, I look back and all that matters is you, me and us.

[cecilialisbon13]

You took a piece of me, when you left. I am not afraid of never getting it back, I am afraid that it would be forgotten. That I lost a piece of me, just for it to never mean anything, and was forgotten. I want the piece to stay with you, so it meant something, that it wasn't for nothing.

[cecilialisbon13]

Falling in love is so terrifying. To be completely vulnerable with a person. To open up and present my heart to them. To share all of my secrets, to show them the worst side of me.

The fear that they might leave me, when they get to know the real me is extremely frightening. Maybe, I have convinced myself that I am unlovable, so when anyone ever likes me, I think it's a joke...

"Say you're lucky, Say you're lucky to love me like you used to, even if it isn't true.

I want you to lie, lie right to my face ..."

- lie by shasha sloan

[cecilialisbon13]

What am I supposed to do when I can't stop spiraling? To be in a constant battle between wanting to live for the people you love and wanting to die?

What if I am a burden, and that my existence only hurts the people I love? What if ..

To be constantly torn between wanting to not exist so the people you love will be better off and the thought that your presence never mattered to anyone.

What if no one cares if I die? What if the people who I think cares about me, actually don't? What if they finally realise, that I did nothing else than hold them down? That, me dying was their way to have a better life?

[cecilialisbon13]

I want to be in a relationship with someone, with whom I would never run out of topics to talk about. I wanna talk about the creation of the universe, history, their political and philosophical views. Whose name is enough to put a smile on my face. Someone who makes me feel seen and heard.

[cecilialisbon13]

Your impact on other people is bigger than you think. Someone still giggles when they think of that funny thing you said. Someone still smiles when they think of the compliment you gave them. Someone silently admires you. The advice you give has made a difference for people. The support and love you've offered others have made someone's day. Your input and opinions have made them think twice. You are not insignificant and forgotten. Your existence makes a positive difference, whether you see it or not.

[cecilialisbon13]

It took me a very long time to discover myself in a way that I can express myself, my thoughts and visions. Is there anyone reading this? Can I really reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? That remains a question. but I like to try. And this is why: Along the way I found out what works and what doesn't work for me. I know my low points, my weaknesses and I know better than anyone how I work. As I always say, and it is and remains a cliché, treating another as you would like to be treated yourself is the key. Unfortunately, I cannot control how someone else thinks, how they treat me and in what situations that has brought me. A lot has happened so that I have lost hope often enough, confidence has been damaged and I have often stood on the brink of collapse. Yet with time and awareness I have found my way back and I have kept my goal in mind. I want to show who I am, not how someone else presents me or treats me. I want to share how I think and how things can be improved, I want to help those who have experienced the same thing. I want to help make this world a better place, at least I want to try.

When I was in a worse state, it was always something that was missing. Someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me, someone who could guide me through the search and name of all the chaos inside of me. But when that person was not there, I only had two options, and I chose to fight. I wanted to discover who I was, what caused my thoughts, my questions and my emptiness, and how I could fill, name and express it, how I could find myself in the chaos, and make the chaos in the world change. I went through a development and growth that I never envisaged until a few years ago.

I am an introvert, I am HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), someone with an extra sense, I see, feel and think deeply, intense and often. This has always been something that got in my way, and what I am uncertain about, I feel more vulnerable, because when you feel and experience everything so intensely, it can cause you enormous damage. I learned my lessons in this and formed my vision and passion. I want to help others see and feel that things can be different. Because it is possible, as long as you are willing to look at yourself with all pure and genuine intentions and to express this.

[cecilialisbon13]

Friendships are not about how much time you spend together. It's the little things that matter, the efforts. People who have seen you at your worst and still chose to stick around. People who makes you feel worthy and gives you a reason to live. Someone who knows you better than you do. Someone you can call at 3 in the morning, just cause you wanted to talk. Someone whose presence calms you down and makes you feel safe.

Those are the kind of friendships everyone needs...