cedarcopeland

[cedarcopeland]

i have yearned after every person I’ve met.

never quite feeling i could touch them.

i had a dream once that i died.

somewhat

slowly

and in the end i was quite nothing.

a transparency wrapped around a glowing ball of light,

nothing much around us.

blackness, i suppose.

people are too often on the otherside.

a thick layer of blackness between my little soul,

my little transparent consciousness,

and their incredibly alive bodies.

too often i feel like i am in that dream,

my vision closing in,

feeling like soon i will only be that embryo.

a little golden yolk.

barely enough sustenance for a few days.

the beginning of a body,

all eggwhite and protobrain.

and a vast, dark cavity.

too opaque, too unending

to ever see the red orange membrane

with the sunlight just on the other side.

[cedarcopeland]

repeat:

these things have happened

and you are still here

[cedarcopeland]

i believe in

decency

and good faith

[cedarcopeland]

power move:

telling people you’re changing your name

and not offering explanation unless they ask why

they don’t need to know why

they can respect it without knowing why

at least they should be able to

or they aren’t worth your time

[cedarcopeland]

social media is the devil

it encourages us all to look for ourselves in other people

and we will never find us

it just won’t happen

it separates us from ourselves

our bodies

and isn’t that the most evil thing?

aren’t we taught that hell is separation from god

and god is in our hearts

and our hearts of hearts contain our cherished beings

their walls waiting to give way as we lie down the last time

and spill us over into the universe

the best and holiest thing is to hold on to that golden gift

as tightly as you can

for as long as you can

bring it clearly into focus

so you can every moment bask in its light

until your eyes can no longer see

hold on until the last moment

don’t give a single glint away, if you can

each one is precious and prone to fraying

the devil is anything that seeks to pry you away from your task

if it wants you for its own

or turns your eye outward 

distracts you from your post

it wants to rob you of some light, some time, i suppose

some time to appreciate the beauty of every moment

some time of brief joy, perhaps

replaced by doubt or terror

panic, maybe, or defeat

always a lie

search for the lies

and there lies hell

away from ourselves

away from god or the universe 

but probably every incredible tangible molecule i have

or could have

touched in my life

the opportunities for happiness i could have followed

if not for listening to the lies

if it whispers or yells, it’s selling something

and don’t buy it.

[cedarcopeland]

when i do something within earshot of others

i am asking them

please

please

just let me be

pleading with my actions

to just be left to lie in the grass

[cedarcopeland]

[cedarcopeland]

watch me try anyway

i don’t think we can romanticize our way out of this one boys

[cedarcopeland]

writing things down is so concrete

permanent

no matter where written

it will be there forever

pages can be burned, no doubt

but will you decide to burn them?

will they ever fully turn to ash?

[cedarcopeland]

the hardest and biggest step is the first one:

from nothing to something

[cedarcopeland]

i know people love me but i don’t believe it. what then is the point of knowing that they love me? would it be better if they didn’t love me at all? it’s so lonely knowing that you love me and i can see it sort of from afar but it’s only next to me not inside of me.

my insides jumped this sinking ship. there they are, a little to my left. here i am, just the skin.

love lives a little to my left.

echos bound against my chest walls.

sometimes my heart tries to tear itself in two and branch down my arms and trickle out my fingers and creep a little to the left.

stretch those veins thin, babe, but you’ll never make it

[cedarcopeland]

every time i talk to someone i feel like i’m saying goodbye.

[cedarcopeland]

every moment seems like a wonder

but that is also an exhausting way to live

[cedarcopeland]

sometimes crying

is the very end of slowly letting out

a breath you’ve been holding

for 10 months

[cedarcopeland]

i ceaselessly say i love you

i don’t recall ever saying i need you

it’s the far more frightening phrase

because its truth is sharper

and simpler

and viciously seen

desire knows desire

shame recognizes shame

our needs are our most dearly kept secrets

they are the beginnings of all other secrets

[cedarcopeland]

here in the vineyard

i will grow myself