chasingokay

[chasingokay]

Desire can look messy sometimes I guess.

[chasingokay]

[chasingokay]

Random meme dump for yall

[chasingokay]

Random shit that hits lately. Give me a long drag of a cigarette or something.

[chasingokay]

Fuck.

[chasingokay]

[chasingokay]

03/21/25

It’s been over a year now. I feel like I’m not getting any better or any stronger. I constantly feel like I will buckle under pressure of basic life, basic emotions. The things everyone else does so simply, not second guess. My family and friends have noticed. I fight the urge daily to just say the most horrendous things I can think of to cut everyone off, to make them all stop giving a shit. I haven’t, but I think deep down I want to. I know it’s not okay, it’s just that I’m not okay. Not now. Not ever. Not anymore. Maybe one day, guess we will see.

[chasingokay]

03/10/25

If one thing is clear I am fucked up because of him. Because I got into a situationship with my therapist. And I think it’s taken me far too long to see how fucked that whole thing is. I trusted someone to hear me, see me, to guide me through shit. And I’m stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Like mostly confusion on what to do with all the feelings, where do they go? Where do I place the rage, not only the rage but the love and the weight of losing someone who I was so close to. That was my therapist, but also the lines were crossed many times before we became sexual. So that was also my best friend, like the person I told everything to. Down right to fucking reading my journals throughout my life together, him and I. That was and still is a hard loss. The complicated things that have come from this whole situation. Start to finish. I’d be lying if I said I’m okay and I’m coming out of this mess just fine. I’m not. I haven’t been okay. I have nightmares. I barely sleep. Dropped out of school. I’m scared to leave my house. I drown nearly every day in the weight I carry, I’m too exhausted to fight. I just hold my breath. Clinch my fists. Swallow my pain. Hold it together for the kids.

[chasingokay]

2/17/25

The noise in my head has been constant, consistent, and chaotic. Lately, it’s too loud to focus on much else. I try to let it pass. I try to not make sense of it all. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay. I’m not even sure if I ever will be again at this point. I have an ignorant amount of hope. I am losing the battle, regardless of the hope. More often than not, the hope is that it all ends.

The sun doesn’t rise anymore and that’s it.

Lights out. Go home. Forget me.

Leave me back there where you had me

Because I am absolutely nothing now

And I’m starting to see I’ve been nothing since

I am right here still

[chasingokay]

[chasingokay]

I am not okay.

2/10/25

[chasingokay]

[chasingokay]

01/26/2025

Sleeping isn’t a thing that’s been happening lately for me. Despite all the attempts. My mind doesn’t want to doze off. I jerk myself awake and wake up drenched in sweat the few times I do fall asleep. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck him.

[chasingokay]

1/25/25

Well.

[chasingokay]

01/12/25 245am

It’s been a long week unpacking the things I’ve stored away for a few years. I’m exhausted.

The nightmares are frequent. They are intense. Perfect PTSD Paralysis. I will survive him. I haven’t given myself any other options and we all know how stubborn I am.

He works tirelessly, slipping into my sleep as if he knows every fracture in my armor. His interruptions feel calculated, deliberate, and his smugness drips like venom. It’s that unwarranted pride I ache to strip from his hands, to leave him hollow where his arrogance once thrived.

[chasingokay]

01/06/2025

Unfortunately this body might be physically in 2025 but it believes it is in 2023. I fucking hate you.

く

I hate to give the satisfaction, asking how you're doing now

How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about?

Just what you wanted

Look at you, cool guy, you got it

I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes

Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise

I loved you truly

Gotta laugh at the stupidity

'Cause l've made some real big mistakes

But you make the worst one look fine

I should've known it was strange

You only come out at night

I used to think I was smart

But you made me look so naive

The way you sold me for parts

As you sunk your teeth into me

[chasingokay]

01/02/2025