chunyanissad

[chunyanissad]

I’m so fucking annoyed with myself for being hurt by her. Especially when there’s two other women vying for my attention right now. I’m so annoyed because I want to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms but honestly knowing she’s fucking around makes me realize that I don’t need someone who makes such poor choices.

[chunyanissad]

weird combo of horny and despondent

[chunyanissad]

Farewell online privacy

[chunyanissad]

should I fw the devil or work on myself

[chunyanissad]

fuck I’m horny

[chunyanissad]

Also the bar was not invite only it was like fake exclusive lol

I made a poor choice last night and went on a date bc the bar is supposed to be invite only and I didn’t know if I’d find another chance to go w someone. She’s hot, but I think she also enables all my worst personality traits, and idk if I should tell her that we should just be friends.

[chunyanissad]

I made a poor choice last night and went on a date bc the bar is supposed to be invite only and I didn’t know if I’d find another chance to go w someone. She’s hot, but I think she also enables all my worst personality traits, and idk if I should tell her that we should just be friends.

[chunyanissad]

I did the processing I need to do for now.

What’s so funny is I feel broken because I can’t enjoy a relationship, I can’t feel cared for without also feeling hurt, and if they don’t hurt me they don’t care and if they don’t hurt me it won’t go anywhere

[chunyanissad]

honestly I’m concerned that I’m not sadder

[chunyanissad]

a few tears leaked out

lol I’m too dehydrated to cry

[chunyanissad]

I think I get to the threshold of I think this is someone I know I should feel more for , or like I love this person in an abstract way, but I’m just not capable of being in love with someone to be honest. Still bums me out to end things though

[chunyanissad]

and honestly with tck it was never enough. But I’m just used to wanting. Wanting is comfortable to me, and things ending is pretty comfortable to me too.

I think a lot about how liking this girl makes me reevaluate my relationship to my exes over the last five years.

I loved each, for a time, but I struggle to define being in love vs loving. I loved until I was incapable of love. I loved until it turned to fear. And for my most recent two exes I liked S enough—the sex was fantastic—but we had fundamentally different outlooks on life and I never would have loved her. And I loved Tck but I don’t know if I ever liked them once we began dating. But they were cruel in the way I needed to feel loved.

[chunyanissad]

clearing out my phone interspersed with sad text posts while I meditate in my relationship to relationships. I really have done a lot of growth and self work and I have a lot more to do and I accept that discomfort shapes me. I still feel oddly amputated from my emotions but it also wasn’t really a long time; there’s something somewhat meta about the whole thing too—who am I as a person? Where do I need to grow? Why did I respond to this person so differently than I’ve responded to others in terms of like emotional mental physical connection.

I think I can pat myself on the back for my growth but I am disturbed by how detached I want to be from this.

There’s growth to be had, there’s girls to kiss, and we’ll see how well I do at either or maybe one and returning to my intention of not the other.

Fuck.

[chunyanissad]

my cat in various stages but especially tugging on the blanket at my old place. blessing the internet because my cloud is full

[chunyanissad]

Continuing with the clearing of my phone lol

[chunyanissad]

[chunyanissad]

guess I’ll post all the weird memes I saved in like 2010