cigsexx

[cigsexx]

oblivion used to be my biggest fear,

now it’s my greatest desire

[cigsexx]

i’ve been trying to find the beauty in things around me. i do not want to stay this way, feeling this way. if i can’t see it in myself i will see it in every leaf, every tree, every bird flying free, every person i love and every person i care for because people can be so beautiful. the sky can be so beautiful, love is so beautiful. the sun and stars can make you feel small, these things can give you perspective. if i cannot see it in myself i will see it in nature, connections and the world around me until i do

[cigsexx]

i just want to be young again, to chase the moon with my dad

[cigsexx]

i’ve been appreciating the small stuff for too long now. why can’t something bigger than smoking a cigarette at sunrise or watching strangers smile evoke joy from my seemingly lifeless existence

[cigsexx]

i didn’t want this to be another lesson

[cigsexx]

i avoid driving by your street when i go into town but sometimes i cant and the eternal void inside of me opens to show itself again, the ache sets in, and each time without fail i find a pain that spreads through my core into my veins red and hot and heavy as the day you left and i can’t get rid of it. i’ve been trying to get rid of it, god i just want to get rid of it

[cigsexx]

sometimes i hope you don’t move on

because i know i cant

[cigsexx]

[cigsexx]

i wish you called

[cigsexx]

i did stupid mineal tasks all day

but all the cracks and spaces in my thoughts were still filled with you

[cigsexx]

i laid on my bathroom floor, pumped full of 4 different substances, the floor is cold, my hair is wet, i have stuff to do in the morning, i wonder if this is it, should i call someone? i don’t want to be saved, i can barely hold my phone, wow the floor looks so cool, i want to call you, the taste in my mouth is disgusting, i almost called you, my heart is beating so fast, i can’t call you, why can’t i call you? you wouldn’t answer, i want to close my eyes, why wouldn’t you talk to me? i’m gonna close my eyes. i wasn’t trying to die, i wasn’t trying to live, i almost called you but i couldn’t

[cigsexx]

i woke up this morning holding my own hand, i miss you and i fear i’ll never understand

[cigsexx]

it doesn’t make sense how time still moves without you here. i think i’ll be spending the rest of my life trying to catch up.

- n

[cigsexx]

“Wherever you are, I know that the hardest thing you do everyday is breathe.”

10 Things I Hate About Me; Joe Tracini

[cigsexx]

i’m starting to forget things about you and in turn, things about me

— nj

[cigsexx]

“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

— John Green

[cigsexx]

i’m making cookies at 3 a.m.

i can’t remember your laugh

-n