cocklessboy

[cocklessboy]

Love that the main thing I do on this account right now is go to clear out my notes, discover that for some incomprehensible reason a bunch of terfs have been reblogging one of my posts, remember that we can no longer trust shinigami eyes to accurately mark accounts because of intersexist bullshit, and have to manually check each of these accounts to make sure they're actually vile scum before blocking them.

WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE, YOU HATEFUL MONSTERS? I AM LITERALLY TRANS. GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.

And people who are fucking up shinigami eyes by marking intersex people, people speaking about intersex issues, and trans men red: you can fuck off as well.

I'm getting so tired of saying all this.

[cocklessboy]

Bafflingly, some of my posts are yet again getting notes from terfs and transphobes, so once again, here is a reminder that:

I am literally trans and extremely happy about it. Love being trans and injecting myself with testosterone and being hairy and having a deep voice and being called "sir" by strangers. It fucking rocks.

Trans rights and let people do whatever they want with their bodies and gender presentation forever.

Men are great, I love men, they are not evil or inherently dangerous.

Penises are not inherently dangerous.

Women can have penises and men can have vaginas and anyone can have any combination of genitals and it's none of your business what they have.

Trans men are men, trans women are women, nonbinary people are nonbinary, people's gender is whatever they say it is and I don't care how many times they change it.

Trans women are great, I love trans women. I love all trans people but trans women get a special shout-out because they really seem to have to put up with the most bullshit, hate, discrimination, and violence. I am giving every trans woman who wants one a hug and/or a fresh-baked cookie and telling you how beautiful you look.

Yes, every trans woman is beautiful, this transcends cultural ideas about what is attractive, they are all inherently beautiful.

Intersex people are fucking awesome too by the way, whether they're trans or cis or don't think of themselves in either of those terms.

No one is giving the surgeries you're all so afraid of to typical trans kids, but they sure as fuck are doing them on literal babies who were just born if they are visibly intersex and that is some fucked up shit and needs to be banned everywhere forever.

Conversion therapy is just torture, doesn't work, does immeasurable harm, and should be banned in every circumstance everywhere in the world forever. (That also includes conversion therapy for autistic kids, typically called "ABA therapy," just while we're on the topic.)

People can fuck around and explore gender and try something and decide it's not for them and transition and detransition and retransition and redetransition as many times as they want and that's all fine and cool.

Dysphoria is not a necessary part of being trans, you can be trans without dysphoria. Gender euphoria is more important than gender dysphoria.

Medical transition is not a necessary part of being trans, you can be trans without hormones or surgery.

Not all trans people know they're trans as children. Some of us don't figure it out until we're much older. (I was 35!) It doesn't matter when you realize you're trans, it's still valid.

Ignore whatever other people say about who you "really" are and whether you're "allowed" to be that. You are whatever version of you makes you feel the happiest with yourself, end of discussion.

Gender can also change. Genderfluid people are real and valid and awesome.

Trans people are in no way inherently a danger to children. While we're at it, neither are drag queens, I love drag queens too.

Misogyny is inherent in our culture and we are all touched by it but we can choose to fight against it, and that includes transmisogyny.

Medical misogyny is real and it sucks and we need to fight against it. (So is medical racism and medical fatphobia and all kinds of other discrimination.) These are structural problems caused by the way doctors are trained and not the result of men being evil. Female doctors are frequently just as bad or even worse in how they treat female patients.

Toxic masculinity is real and baked into our culture but it is not an inherent aspect of men or masculinity itself, it is something we are taught growing up, it can be unlearned, and we can fight against it.

Men are not inherently bad or dangerous, and if you hate all men you should genuinely get some therapy and work on that. Yeah, even if you were traumatized by a man, that doesn't mean they're all bad. The vast majority of them are good and awesome.

If you have been so badly traumatized by a penis that you can't handle seeing one, then I am genuinely sorry to hear that, but it is on you to avoid any place where people might be naked, and not on literally half the human race to hide themselves from you.

Women can also be aggressive, violent, and abusive. They are not all inherently pure and gentle and nurturing.

Most women are good too though, just like most men. People are mostly good!

Gender is not a binary but neither is "biological sex." Your third-grade education in biology was, believe it or not, extremely simplified, because you were a child, and does not reflect actual reality. If you can't face that, then I guess you are still a child, no matter how old you are.

Feminism is about how women are as good as men and can do everything men can, not about how women are weak and soft and men are better at everything. That's sexism, you're doing sexism, not feminism.

Fuck terfs, transphobes, radfems, "gender criticals," or whatever the fuck else you're calling yourselves these days when you realize once again that everyone hates you so you change your name to try to make yourselves sound like you're not a small, sad group of conservative extremists that, again, everyone seriously fucking hates.

Focusing on helping the people you love is more important and productive than focusing on punishing the people you hate, so once more: trans people are fucking awesome and I love every one of us.

Trans rights forever.

In the words of the legendary @drchucktingle, love is real. Now get out there and prove love and make your world a little brighter today.

Terfs please out yourselves in the notes so I can block you. 💖

[cocklessboy]

My cat has always had the worst timing. He'll jump up on my desk to cuddle at the very moment I'm about to get up to urgently go to the bathroom. He'll try to curl up with me in bed the very instant I need to get up and refill my glass of water and put some vaseline on my dry, sore lips. He'll ask me to play just at the second I need to end my break and get back to work.

The poor guy, right? From his perspective, he approaches me for love and I immediately get up and leave. I feel awful about it. I try to reassure him first that I love him and he just has bad timing, but I know it can't feel nice, and also he's too big of a dumbass to understand that me getting up and walking away isn't triggered by him coming to say hi.

Except today I realized something: Yes. It is.

I was sitting at my desk watching a video and up jumps the boy with a mrrp, head positioned for pets, when I realized I urgently had to get up and go to the bathroom. As I opened my mouth to say "bad timing again, buddy," it finally occurred to me that... I definitely already had to go. I for sure did not "suddenly" have an urgent need for the toilet out of fucking nowhere.

I didn't realize I needed to go because my brain is piloted by angry gremlins and they were more interested in watching the video than letting me know about an important bodily function.

My cat coming to say hi is a regular trigger that pulls me back into my body from whatever bullshit I'm hyperfocusing on. And that's when I realize all the warning lights are flashing on the dash. Need water. Need food. Need toilet. In pain: need to change position. Holy shit look at the time, need to get back to work!

I now wonder how much worse I'd function if I didn't have a furry little guy in my apartment to regularly remind me that I exist in a physical form which requires maintenance and also that time passes.

I do still feel bad for walking away from him every time, but I have started just inviting him to come with me. Hey bud, sorry, I have to stand up right now, but come follow me while I get a glass of water. You coming? Come on! And rewarding him with pats for following. It's better than just walking away, I think.

Anyway cats (or other pet of your choice that requires frequent attention)? 10/10, strongly encourage having a little guy to bother you now and then, especially if you have ADHD and live alone.

[cocklessboy]

Happy two year anniversary to having my tits chopped off! 🙌🏳️‍⚧️🥳

[cocklessboy]

So here's the thing about having a post break containment on tumblr: if you make a mistake in the original post, there's absolutely fucking nothing you can do about it.

The people reblogging once you realize your mistake aren't reblogging it from your blog. They're reblogging it from someone you never even knew existed. If you edit the original, it does not affect the copies already being passed around.

You can make an addition to the post with a correction! But here's the thing. Posts tend to break containment if they are tagged and people see it in the tags they follow. But reblogs don't appear in tags. Only original posts do. So your addition will only be reblogged by people who follow you, and it's pretty rare for a post with a correction added in a reblog to break containment in the same way as the original.

So you wind up getting a lot of reblogs with angry comments about how you're wrong (and that's if they're being polite - the less polite ones will attack you rather viciously, which is not something I would wish on anyone). And even if you didn't make a mistake, if there's something you didn't make clear enough for Tumblr Reading Comprehension™️, you'll wind up inundated with angry comments from people who missed the point, and it's too late to go back and adjust your wording to make it clearer.

(That's why I'm making a new post for this instead of responding to the comments I got on the post in question, by the way. I'm hoping some of the same people who spread around the original might spot this one in the tags and share it around as well.)

So what is this about? I recently made a post about how a friend was worried that I was addicted to my ADHD meds purely because I said I look forward to taking them and they bring me joy.

The purpose of that post was:

Something bringing you joy doesn't necessarily make it addictive. (For fuck's sake stop being afraid of pleasure.)

Even if something is addictive, that's not inherently harmful.

Don't be afraid to take your meds just because they might be addictive. If they help you more than they harm you, take them.

I also made a comment about how my ADHD meds aren't addictive anyway. This is the point people have been pouncing on me about. So allow me to explain where that assertion came from.

My psychiatrist, an ADHD specialist who manages my meds: I know you're nervous about addiction and tolerance to meds, but don't worry. If you have ADHD, methylphenidate is not physically addictive.

My GP, who I got a second opinion from out of nervousness: Yup, your psychiatrist is right. You don't need to be afraid to take these. Take them as directed and you will not form a physical dependence on them. If you notice them getting less effective with time, though, you can always just take a break from them to remove any tolerance.

Me, after a year and a half of taking these meds: Yup, no addiction here. I guess my doctors were right.

So here we are. Two doctors and my own personal experience have assured me that ADHD meds are not something to be afraid of. Yet I keep seeing people afraid to take their meds because they're afraid of dependence. So why don't I do a nice thing in this post of mine and reassure my fellow gremlin-brained tumblrs that their meds are perfectly safe to take!

And to be fair, I've gotten quite a few reblogs with tags and additions and comments saying thank you, I was afraid to take my meds, even though they help me, but now I'm reassured that I shouldn't be scared.

And I think that's a positive outcome.

On the other hand, I'm getting some very angry comments from some people who seem to think I'm attempting to spread a vicious, intentional lie claiming that people with ADHD are immune to stimulant addiction and that I'm going to do all kinds of harm, presumably on purpose, because there's nothing I enjoy more than ruining other people's lives! 🙌

I would assume that anyone who thought about this for more than three seconds would realize that's not the case, but this is tumblr.

I've gotten angry rants ranging from "this author you've never heard of wrote a book where he defined addiction as inherently harmful, and therefore you're harming people by saying being addicted to something is not inherently bad!" to "STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION!!!" to "OP is making statements that are incompatible with reality!" and folks? I'm real fucking tired of it.

Is it possible that my doctors are wrong? Of course! Doctors get things wrong all the time, especially when it comes to stuff like ADHD! But yelling at me from across the internet and accusing me of lying is not helpful.

There is nothing I can do about the original post. I can reblog it with an addition clarifying that yes, everyone is capable of becoming psychologically dependent on basically anything in a way that would be considered addiction, and yes, that includes ADHD people and their meds.

To be clear, this does NOT contradict the intent of my original post: that ADHD meds are good, you should take them, medication making you feel good is nothing to fear, pleasure is not the same as addiction, addiction is not inherently dangerous, and according to my doctors, who are fallible human beings but my most trusted source of information as of the writing of that post, ADHD meds are not physically addictive - as in, your BODY will not become dependent on them to function. This is the definition of "addiction" I had in mind when I wrote that post - and I think in a lot of cases the thing upsetting people is that we don't even actually disagree on what we're trying to say, but there was a miscommunication in terms of what I actually meant.

If I could go back and edit that original post and have it change everywhere it's been reblogged, I absolutely would. I would clarify where my information was coming from and what definition of "addiction" I intended, and reiterate that even if something can cause physical dependence, that doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't take it.

But I can't. That post is out there now and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Keep this in mind as you go forward in your tumblr journey, friends. If you come across a semi-popular post with a mistake in it, you can bet every bit of your ass that OP has heard about it many, many times already, probably in very impolite terms, and there is nothing they can do about the original post. Unless they're a massively popular blog, a reblog with an addition or correction will not be seen by the people spreading around the original.

And for fuck's sake, stop assuming ill intent on the part of people who say something incorrect online. There are people out there who intentionally spread misinformation, but those people are rare, and usually trying to get you to not vote democrat in US elections, not trying to encourage you to take your fucking meds. If you see a mistake, it's probably an honest one, and if you really want to correct it, be a decent fucking human being, be polite and kind, and try assuming good intentions on the part of the person who said it.

The person telling you to take your meds is not your fucking enemy.

Oh, and do me a favor and reblog this, please. I actually have very few followers so no one will see it if it doesn't get reblogged. Thank you.

[cocklessboy]

So here's the thing about having a post break containment on tumblr: if you make a mistake in the original post, there's absolutely fucking nothing you can do about it.

The people reblogging once you realize your mistake aren't reblogging it from your blog. They're reblogging it from someone you never even knew existed. If you edit the original, it does not affect the copies already being passed around.

You can make an addition to the post with a correction! But here's the thing. Posts tend to break containment if they are tagged and people see it in the tags they follow. But reblogs don't appear in tags. Only original posts do. So your addition will only be reblogged by people who follow you, and it's pretty rare for a post with a correction added in a reblog to break containment in the same way as the original.

So you wind up getting a lot of reblogs with angry comments about how you're wrong (and that's if they're being polite - the less polite ones will attack you rather viciously, which is not something I would wish on anyone). And even if you didn't make a mistake, if there's something you didn't make clear enough for Tumblr Reading Comprehension™️, you'll wind up inundated with angry comments from people who missed the point, and it's too late to go back and adjust your wording to make it clearer.

(That's why I'm making a new post for this instead of responding to the comments I got on the post in question, by the way. I'm hoping some of the same people who spread around the original might spot this one in the tags and share it around as well.)

So what is this about? I recently made a post about how a friend was worried that I was addicted to my ADHD meds purely because I said I look forward to taking them and they bring me joy.

The purpose of that post was:

Something bringing you joy doesn't necessarily make it addictive. (For fuck's sake stop being afraid of pleasure.)

Even if something is addictive, that's not inherently harmful.

Don't be afraid to take your meds just because they might be addictive. If they help you more than they harm you, take them.

I also made a comment about how my ADHD meds aren't addictive anyway. This is the point people have been pouncing on me about. So allow me to explain where that assertion came from.

My psychiatrist, an ADHD specialist who manages my meds: I know you're nervous about addiction and tolerance to meds, but don't worry. If you have ADHD, methylphenidate is not physically addictive.

My GP, who I got a second opinion from out of nervousness: Yup, your psychiatrist is right. You don't need to be afraid to take these. Take them as directed and you will not form a physical dependence on them. If you notice them getting less effective with time, though, you can always just take a break from them to remove any tolerance.

Me, after a year and a half of taking these meds: Yup, no addiction here. I guess my doctors were right.

So here we are. Two doctors and my own personal experience have assured me that ADHD meds are not something to be afraid of. Yet I keep seeing people afraid to take their meds because they're afraid of dependence. So why don't I do a nice thing in this post of mine and reassure my fellow gremlin-brained tumblrs that their meds are perfectly safe to take!

And to be fair, I've gotten quite a few reblogs with tags and additions and comments saying thank you, I was afraid to take my meds, even though they help me, but now I'm reassured that I shouldn't be scared.

And I think that's a positive outcome.

On the other hand, I'm getting some very angry comments from some people who seem to think I'm attempting to spread a vicious, intentional lie claiming that people with ADHD are immune to stimulant addiction and that I'm going to do all kinds of harm, presumably on purpose, because there's nothing I enjoy more than ruining other people's lives! 🙌

I would assume that anyone who thought about this for more than three seconds would realize that's not the case, but this is tumblr.

I've gotten angry rants ranging from "this author you've never heard of wrote a book where he defined addiction as inherently harmful, and therefore you're harming people by saying being addicted to something is not inherently bad!" to "STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION!!!" to "OP is making statements that are incompatible with reality!" and folks? I'm real fucking tired of it.

Is it possible that my doctors are wrong? Of course! Doctors get things wrong all the time, especially when it comes to stuff like ADHD! But yelling at me from across the internet and accusing me of lying is not helpful.

There is nothing I can do about the original post. I can reblog it with an addition clarifying that yes, everyone is capable of becoming psychologically dependent on basically anything in a way that would be considered addiction, and yes, that includes ADHD people and their meds.

To be clear, this does NOT contradict the intent of my original post: that ADHD meds are good, you should take them, medication making you feel good is nothing to fear, pleasure is not the same as addiction, addiction is not inherently dangerous, and according to my doctors, who are fallible human beings but my most trusted source of information as of the writing of that post, ADHD meds are not physically addictive - as in, your BODY will not become dependent on them to function. This is the definition of "addiction" I had in mind when I wrote that post - and I think in a lot of cases the thing upsetting people is that we don't even actually disagree on what we're trying to say, but there was a miscommunication in terms of what I actually meant.

If I could go back and edit that original post and have it change everywhere it's been reblogged, I absolutely would. I would clarify where my information was coming from and what definition of "addiction" I intended, and reiterate that even if something can cause physical dependence, that doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't take it.

But I can't. That post is out there now and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Keep this in mind as you go forward in your tumblr journey, friends. If you come across a semi-popular post with a mistake in it, you can bet every bit of your ass that OP has heard about it many, many times already, probably in very impolite terms, and there is nothing they can do about the original post. Unless they're a massively popular blog, a reblog with an addition or correction will not be seen by the people spreading around the original.

And for fuck's sake, stop assuming ill intent on the part of people who say something incorrect online. There are people out there who intentionally spread misinformation, but those people are rare, and usually trying to get you to not vote democrat in US elections, not trying to encourage you to take your fucking meds. If you see a mistake, it's probably an honest one, and if you really want to correct it, be a decent fucking human being, be polite and kind, and try assuming good intentions on the part of the person who said it.

The person telling you to take your meds is not your fucking enemy.

Oh, and do me a favor and reblog this, please. I actually have very few followers so no one will see it if it doesn't get reblogged. Thank you.

[cocklessboy]

I guess this one is escaping containment a bit. I've been seeing a few notes indicating a frustration that meds for neurological or psychiatric issues are seen as undesirable and dangerous and to be avoided, and that is surely not untrue, but I do want to clarify that in this case, the issue was not the type of medication.

It was the fact that the medication brings me joy.

He didn't react to me saying I really like my meds or how my meds make me feel. He reacted to the way I said it. Enthusiastically. Eagerly. I didn't say "yeah man I love my ADHD meds." I said "I fucking lOOoOoOve my ADHD meds!" and that was what caused him to raise an eyebrow and express concern.

He thought that kind of enthusiasm can only come when something makes you high, and that being high automatically equated to an addiction, and that an addiction is automatically bad.

The idea that pleasure is dangerous is a vile but prolific one. People like me wind up not being able to get access to drugs we need because and only because they make us feel really good, and that is seen as a downside. Something is very wrong with that fact.

And the idea that addiction is inherently bad is also wrong and harmful. Sometimes people are addicted to something because of an illness, or an unmet need. Sometimes that addiction does them more good than harm! And sometimes a physical dependency forms for non-psychological reasons. I've been given medications by doctors that only worked once you'd built up a tolerance to them and become addicted (in my case, specifically gabapentin and pregabalin, neither of which wound up working for me, so I had to wean off of them and endure awful withdrawal). Sometimes people get addicted to things, and as long as the thing they're addicted to isn't directly harming them (or the benefits outweigh the harm), and as long as they're not at risk of losing access to the thing, it's fine.

So, to be very clear:

Things can bring you intense pleasure without making you high.

Getting high is not inherently bad.

Getting high does not inherently lead to addiction.

Addiction is not inherently bad.

If a medication will make your life better, even if it's addictive or has negative side effects, if it helps you more than it hurts you, take your fucking meds. If someone tells you that you should be trying not to take them because they're addictive or because they feel good to take or because they think you should be able to willpower yourself into not needing them, laugh in their idiot face while you take your pills in front of them, as aggressively as you can manage.

And be reassured, folks with ADHD who've been scared away from meds: ADHD meds are not addictive. They're a fucking miracle. Take your meds.

The other day I told a friend of mine that I never forget to take my ADHD meds because I fucking love my ADHD meds. I'm in my late 30s, I didn't finally get a diagnosis and meds until less than two years ago, and they have changed my entire life.

And he raised his eyebrow at me. We'd been discussing addictive medications a few minutes before, like the Tramadol I finally got from the pain specialist to take once a week or so to give me a break from my chronic pain, so I reassured him that methylpenidate (Ritalin/Concerta) is not addictive (at least not in people with ADHD).

His response? To raise his eyebrow even harder and say "Well it sure SOUNDS like it's addictive!"

And I had to explain to this man - who works in a healthcare related job by the way - that just because medication makes you feel good and helps you, just because you look forward to taking it, that doesn't make it addictive or dangerous. And he wasn't convinced.

The simple fact that I was excited to take a daily pill that has literally changed my life, after decades of fighting to get that medication, made him think I shouldn't be taking it so often. That it must inherently be dangerous.

I'm not even in America, but I'm pretty sure this attitude began there and then spread over here to Europe. This Puritan idea of "if something feels good, you must beware of it. Pleasure is dangerous, it is sinful, it is addiction, it is evil."

I know too many people who subconsciously believe that pleasure = addictive = dangerous = bad. Joy is a slippery slope to hell.

So here is your reminder for today that you don't need to be afraid of feeling good. If something improves your life, use it. Even if it is addictive - learn what that addiction means, whether the addiction is inherently dangerous or not, and whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks and risks.

My ADHD meds are, in fact, not addictive. But I will take them every day because they make my life orders of magnitude easier. I will enjoy them every time I take them.

My tramadol is addictive. I will still take it. I will keep it on a schedule to avoid becoming addicted, primarily because addiction in this case would mean reduced effectiveness. But I am not afraid of my painkillers. They are life changing.

Take your meds, everyone. Don't let anyone scare you away from doing something that improves your life.

[cocklessboy]

The other day I told a friend of mine that I never forget to take my ADHD meds because I fucking love my ADHD meds. I'm in my late 30s, I didn't finally get a diagnosis and meds until less than two years ago, and they have changed my entire life.

And he raised his eyebrow at me. We'd been discussing addictive medications a few minutes before, like the Tramadol I finally got from the pain specialist to take once a week or so to give me a break from my chronic pain, so I reassured him that methylpenidate (Ritalin/Concerta) is not addictive (at least not in people with ADHD).

His response? To raise his eyebrow even harder and say "Well it sure SOUNDS like it's addictive!"

And I had to explain to this man - who works in a healthcare related job by the way - that just because medication makes you feel good and helps you, just because you look forward to taking it, that doesn't make it addictive or dangerous. And he wasn't convinced.

The simple fact that I was excited to take a daily pill that has literally changed my life, after decades of fighting to get that medication, made him think I shouldn't be taking it so often. That it must inherently be dangerous.

I'm not even in America, but I'm pretty sure this attitude began there and then spread over here to Europe. This Puritan idea of "if something feels good, you must beware of it. Pleasure is dangerous, it is sinful, it is addiction, it is evil."

I know too many people who subconsciously believe that pleasure = addictive = dangerous = bad. Joy is a slippery slope to hell.

So here is your reminder for today that you don't need to be afraid of feeling good. If something improves your life, use it. Even if it is addictive - learn what that addiction means, whether the addiction is inherently dangerous or not, and whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks and risks.

My ADHD meds are, in fact, not addictive. But I will take them every day because they make my life orders of magnitude easier. I will enjoy them every time I take them.

My tramadol is addictive. I will still take it. I will keep it on a schedule to avoid becoming addicted, primarily because addiction in this case would mean reduced effectiveness. But I am not afraid of my painkillers. They are life changing.

Take your meds, everyone. Don't let anyone scare you away from doing something that improves your life.

[cocklessboy]

I have recently learned that as a (gay) trans man (who wants to have penetrative sex with cis men), my only birth control options (in this country) are surgical sterilization (which I want to avoid because of bad experiences with surgery), injections with a high rate of causing several-month-long periods and cramps in trans men, or an IUD. I thought an IUD sounded good until I started reading people's stories about what the pain was like. People with chronic pain, with massively high pain tolerances, who screamed and felt like they were going to die. And how even these IUDs can cause side effects and need to be removed, and the process is just as bad in the other direction.

So: Thank you, to OP and to the folks who have added information onto this post. I had been thinking I would have no choice but to get surgery, but if there are ways to stop the pain from an IUD insertion (which, uh.... obviously there should be??? I feel like for something like this it should be treated like surgery, just fucking knock you out!) then I will ask the gynecologist about whether that's an option.

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[cocklessboy]

For the longest time I was frustrated that my voice wasn't getting as deep on testosterone HRT as I'd hoped it would. When I spoke, I still had a higher pitch to my voice. I felt like I still sounded feminine.

Then I tried singing and I realized how deep my voice could go. I'm not even a tenor, I'm a baritone. I can hit lower notes than a lot of my cis guy friends.

My voice is deep. But I've spent my whole life speaking in a higher register because that's just how I was trained to speak. And now I have to consciously learn to lower it. And even after many months of practice, if I'm not thinking about it, I still tend to pitch higher.

It's also been a long, slow process of unlearning the hedging. The constant softening of everything. "I think," "maybe," "if that's okay," "I'm not sure but..." When I speak directly, it feels bad and wrong, like I'm going to get in trouble, like someone is going to be mad at me, like I'm being rude and inappropriate. I don't know how many years it will take to get over that.

the structure of female vocal chords does not account for the degree to which their voices tend to be higher than male vocal chords, indicating that socialization causes women to speak with higher voices than they might otherwise be naturally physically inclined. both males and females tend to raise the pitch of their voices when trying to appease or feeling helpless, and both tend to lower the pitch when assuming authority. both sexes also tend to subconsciously respect those with lower voices over those with higher voices. so stop talking like a baby today, ladies. it's a fucked up habit that's been taught to you to reinforce a lower standing in society.

[cocklessboy]

Why the fuck did a bunch of TERF/radfems follow my blog and start reblogging my medical misogyny post? I'm literally transgender. You can all go fucking die in a fire. If you don't think trans people are valid and should be allowed to do whatever they fuck they want with their hormones, bodies, and legal gender, not to mention use whatever fucking bathroom they want, or if you think being male or having a penis makes someone inherently dangerous or violent or aggressive, or if you think you're in any way entitled to know what other people's genitals look like, or any other even remotely terfy bullshit, GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG, YOU HORRID FASCIST FUCKS.

[cocklessboy]

Me [🧔‍♂️]: I'm here to pick up my prescriptions. [passes over my slip] Pharmacist [👨‍⚕️]: No problem, sir, I'll go grab those for you. [shuffles into the back and returns with a handful of medication boxes] 👨‍⚕️: Alright, sir, here's the acid reflux medication. Do you know how to take this one? Any questions? 🧔‍♂️: Nope, I've been on that one for ages. 👨‍⚕️: Alrighty. So then here's the— 😳 Er, I suppose you know how to take these ones as well, so I'll just ring that all up for you... 🧔‍♂️: [takes my progesterone-based birth control and topical estrogen cream for vaginal atrophy from the counter, trying very hard not to laugh]

[cocklessboy]

I literally saw a gynecologist yesterday for the first time in over 5 years, for the usual tests and for some questions. She wasn't a specialist in transmasc patients but she knew enough to answer my questions.

During a standard ultrasound test to check the ovaries and uterus, she literally showed me the screen while she did it. She showed me my actual ovaries and said that, as expected, they were "suppressed" - she pointed to where there should be a bunch of little circles (the eggs) and there was only one on each side, and these were, in her opinion, not properly formed. She also said the lining of the uterus was not prepared to support the growth of an embryo even if an egg were fertilized.

I asked her if this meant I couldn't get pregnant, and she said it meant the odds were incredibly low, but not zero. If I intended to have unprotected sex with anyone with a penis and functioning testicles, I should take birth control. In fact, birth control would be even more important in my case, because without a menstrual cycle, I would not know if I did get pregnant, and might miss the window to use plan B or get an abortion before I found out. The embryo would not be able to develop properly in my body as long as I was on testosterone and I would have a miscarriage, so I wouldn't actually have a baby, but obviously that is not a pleasant experience.

The good news is, there are multiple birth control options for transmascs on testosterone. There are various types of IUDs, and there are birth control pills based on progesterone, among other options. (She prescribed me a birth control pill that she expects to have minimal side effects, which will not interfere with my testosterone.) If you're on testosterone HRT and want to have sex with someone with a penis and testicles, you absolutely need to use some kind of contraceptive. If you want to get pregnant, you need to get off the HRT anyway. If you don't, you need to be using something. Condoms, or birth control (but please be sure you and your partner/s have been tested for STDs before you do it without a condom anyway).

transphobes: going on T will make you infertile!!!!!! you'll never ever be able to get pregnant ever if you go on T!!!!! it will RUIN your uterus!!!!!!!!

literally every transmasc sex ed: Testosterone Is Not Birth Control we are literally begging you to wear condoms and be careful because you can absolutely get pregnant if your uterus is otherwise functioning. please for the love of God don't think T will keep you from getting pregnant because that's not how testosterone works

[cocklessboy]

Ways testosterone HRT made me angrier or more aggressive:

Suddenly doctors take me seriously and I'm getting the medical help I need and I finally realize how much misogyny was preventing me from getting critical health care that would have changed my life (and continues to do so for female-presenting people).

Discovered some people I thought were cool are actually total piece of shit transphobes.

Realized how toxic masuclinity is hurting all the men in my life (including myself) but am not sure how best to deal with it.

Feeling comfortable in my own skin and being myself instead of constantly desperately trying to become what everyone wanted me to be means I am finally able to say "no" assertively.

Being physically stronger and more confident overall means I am no longer afraid to defend myself or others from harm, even if that means I have to fight.

Ways testosterone HRT did not make me angrier or more aggressive:

Grrrr I am MAN now and I feel the power of TESTOSTERONE! I suddenly want to KILL AND MAIM! I no longer feel empathy for other human beings!

considering how many transmascs were legitimately way angrier BEFORE starting T and have since calmed down significantly have we perhaps considered that maybe the reason so many cis dudes are angry and aggressive isn't because of testosterone but maybe. like. personal issues. unmet needs. a social climate that teaches them that there are only like three acceptable social outlets for men max and one of them is being angry and shouting

[cocklessboy]

Cis Man: Do you ever feel like you'll never be a real man? Like, never be manly enough?

Me: [jamming a 3 cm large bore needle all the way into my leg to inject myself with testosterone] I dunno, man. Do you?

trans men be like hot and shit like they're just hot as fuck like what the fuck man why are you being so hot god damn

[cocklessboy]

Conditional Male Privilege

Not long ago I wrote up a long post about my newfound male privilege when it comes to health care which uh. Kind of broke containment.

This past week I had an experience which reminded me that no matter how much progress I make, my male privilege is still extremely conditional.

There are the obvious points like, I'm gay, and soft, and gentle, and chubby, and short, so a lot of people see me as "not a real man" even if they don't realize I'm trans.

But even in the very situation I used as an example of my privilege before (health care), that privilege can be stripped away in an instant if you get the wrong doctor.

Last week I had to see my GP for an urgent problem: I had covid. (They insisted I had to come in person, though obviously I wore a mask.) I have a lot of chronic health issues, and I wanted to try antivirals to reduce my odds of getting long covid (even though my symptoms weren't too severe). Because it was urgent, I didn't get a choice of which doctor at my clinic I would get to see. And the one they sent me to was a woman with a history of dismissing my chronic health problems and pain as "just anxiety."

I had not seen this doctor since my transition. But as I wrote in my previous post, any female-presenting readers will know what I mean when I say she "talked to me like a girl."

First off, she called me in by my deadname. She is the only doctor at this clinic who does this. Everyone else knows to call me by my real name even though it's not officially changed yet. There's a big obvious note on my file. But she called me in by my deadname (in front of the entire waiting room) and when she saw me, she didn't quickly apologize or correct herself.

I explained the issue: I have covid (they tested me and confirmed it) and I want to try antivirals because my chronic health problems (still in the process of being formally diagnosed) put me at greater risk of long covid.

And suddenly I was a child again, facing a mean lady doctor who wanted to lecture me about how I was wasting her time. She didn't scold me, didn't get angry. She just laughed. She chuckled at every concern I brought up. She raised her eyebrow. She rolled her eyes several times.

She refused to check my file. She refused to take my temperature. She kept telling me to "stop worrying so much."

I explained, calmly, rationally, that I would like to try antivirals to reduce my risk of long covid. She explained, holding back laughter, that I "wasn't that sick" and "it's not like you're at risk." She specified, "It's not like you have an autoimmune disorder or something." I countered, calmly, rationally, that in fact I was at risk, or at least there was a strong chance of me being at risk. That I had a lot of chronic health problems that have been documented for years, that one of my doctors suspects and autoimmune disorder such as MCAS (given that I have bad allergic-seeming reactions to almost everything including most medications, even antihistamines, and severe acid reflux that prevents me from taking most meds that might help me), and that while the process of getting a diagnosis might take a very long time, my symptoms ought to make it clear that I am at a higher risk than a typical person. What's more, it's the middle of summer, in a heat wave, the infection rate being reported is extremely low, and there should be no shortage of antivirals for those who want them.

Refused to check my file. Rolled her eyes. Scoffed. Repeated that I'm not that sick. That I'm not at risk. Put on her "okay, sweetie" voice and insisted that I was fine, that I just needed to "stop worrying", that "covid is mild now," that I just needed "vitamin c and a bit of rest," and that she "wasn't worried."

If I found myself with a bad cough or a fever, I could come back to her (she specified) in a few days for a check-up. I told her I already had those symptoms. I'd been suppressing the cough with menthol candies to avoid frightening the other patients and spewing germs everywhere, but I'd been kept up all night hacking up phlegm.

She raised her eyebrow and told me to take some Robitussin.

I told her I already had a fever, which was going up and down, but at its highest was high enough that adults are advised to seek medical assistance. She rolled her eyes and refused to even check my temperature.

She gave me two prescriptions for the symptoms and sent me on my way. I grabbed them at the pharmacy and looked at them closely when I got home.

One was a nasal spray. I can't use nasal sprays because of sensitivity in my nose, so that one was out immediately.

The other was pseudoephedrine (good, that's good stuff and not available OTC in this country)... combined with Loratadine. A fucking. Antihistamine.

She prescribed this to me less than five minutes after I finished explaining to her that I can't take most antihistamines.

Despite my increased confidence now that I'm on HRT, I still freeze up when faced with a hostile doctor. I have too many years of trauma (and too many autism gremlins) to be able to stand up for myself the way I should. I've tried memorizing the scripts - please write down in my file that you refused to give me this treatment and your reason why, and I would like a printed copy of that when I leave - I feel like you are treating me differently because I am transgender or because you perceive me as female and I would like that reflected in the notes for this visit - etc. But in the moment, all I can think of to say is "but... but.... but....... but I really am sick....."

And I've been masking my autistic traits and hiding my pain and illness for so long that a doctor who has already decided I'm a hypochondriac will always reply, simply: you don't look sick to me.

I wrote to the clinic asking for a written explanation for her refusal to give me antivirals, as well as a request for a different prescription because, "As I mentioned during my visit today," I couldn't take the antihistamine.

She replied by apologizing for the medication error and sending me a new prescription (pseudoephedrine + ibuprofen - you can't get pseudoephedrine on its own in this country). She did not respond to the part about refusing me antivirals.

I have booked an appointment later this week with the good doctor at this clinic, the one who takes me seriously and actually wants to help me. The one who gave me a referral for a pain doctor (something I'm still trying to get an appointment for - there's a shortage of specialists in this country). This time I'm going in prepared. I will follow up with him on my current state, and I will bring notes. I will tell him what happened with his colleague, how it made me feel, and how frustrated I am. I will ask him if there is any avenue for me to lodge a formal complaint. I may not have been able to stand up for myself in the moment, but I will not simply let this slide. It's too late for antivirals, but I will ask him to at least make sure the visit I had last week is recorded accurately in my file.

Fortunately my covid symptoms are mostly gone already and it seems I was lucky. Still, it will be some time before I am 100% sure I haven't gotten any long covid symptoms. And the fact that there was a medication readily available that could have increased my odds and I was refused it for no reason other than misogyny (doubly frustrating when directed at a trans man!) is utterly infuriating to me.

I am still better off than I once was. Most doctors DO take me more seriously now.

But my doctors will always know I'm trans, even when I get my paperwork updated.

And there will always be doctors who treat me like a woman.

And there will always be doctors who treat women like shit.

They shouldn't have talked to me that way. They should never talk to anyone that way.

[cocklessboy]

Over 2.5 years into HRT I still get imposter syndrome. I feel any hint of femininity creeping up on me and I push it down, bury it. I had femininity forced on me for 35 years! I don't want it anymore!

And I would tell any man, cis or trans, that there's no one right way to be a man, that men can be feminine or soft or emotional or cute. And they can be hard and strong and macho. They can be either, they can be both in one person. Most people are probably a little of both, regardless of gender, anyway! It's all cool! Everyone is different and that's amazing!

In fact, I love soft boys most of all. I love it when guys are a little feminine. When they're gentle and soft. A little girly. I'm fucking GAY! The fact that I'm NOT visibly feminine in any way actually gets in the way because other gay guys don't clock me!

But for over 2.5 years, I've been around people who knew me as a girl first. None of them rejected me outright or anything, but they all slipped up. All the time. They'd use the wrong name. Wrong pronouns. Other gendered terms. They'd catch themselves and quickly correct. I knew they didn't mean it. But deep down, some part of them still saw me as a girl.

And it still happens. All this time, later, it still happens.

I've spent all this time trying to be as MAN as possible to stop that from happening, but... it hasn't. It hasn't worked. The people who always knew me as a girl still think of me as one on some level. No matter how DUDE and BRO and MAN and GUY I try to be.

Meanwhile I'm holding back part of my personality. For what? To make it easier on them?

It's bullshit. I'm done. I'm gonna be a DUDE when I'm feeling DUDE and I'm gonna be a faggy little gay boy when I'm feeling like one. I gotta stop being such a hypocrite, telling other guys in my life it's okay to be soft, then burying all the softness in myself.