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[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Sup guys Ive been hiding and hating myself in solitude, my scale arrived (good), and I didn't gain as much as though (good) still I did gain pure fat and lost all the muscle I had left (pretty fucking horrible so let's call it a tie) so I'm all fluffy and flabby and giggling and hate it even more than when I thought I've gained 10 kg at least.

I'm extremely short so even if I'm at a bmi18 I look 20 at least. My tdee rn is 1202 and I'm not ending this year at this weight so ... starving forever it is. I'm gonna use the new bmi calculator to have a more accurate goal.

I slept nothing last night.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

OMG im so excited!!! Shmegeh posted a photo after idk how many year!!! ahhhhhhh!!!

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Woke up just now,it's 5:00 am here and life hates me, this day's gonna be so damn long, have to go to a bank and talk with an actual human(those things apparently still exist outside) and I'm feeling extremely anxious cause I'm pretty akward in this situations.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Wtf I was out for a couple of weeks and found some creepy dudes here following me, now in process of deleting their asses but took some Xanax and I'm not too functional rn, so I'll continue tomorrow. Just for the 4-5 time cause it seems I have to repeat myself, I only follow similar accounts and this is my fucking vent space to share experience with people struggling with the same issues I am, I have no libido and accounts that post incels pathetic stuff like sexual gif, fantasies about wanting to "dominate"(lol just... I'll laugh if it wasn't just so damn sad), call themselves "daddy's" ,I'll block block block cause you all makes me feel even more sorry for humanity.

In other news,my scale arrived! And strangely, I gained ofc after all that happened since January, but just 4 kg from my safe weight. I felt paranoid and accused my parents of "touching" my scale, I knew it wasn't the case when I looked at her face tho(also she told me I'm bat shit crazy xD she doesn't really know how to use any media and after the paranoia run out had to admit she couldn't,but I don't objectively know how I truly look, so well...).

Will try to be more active again.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

I'm having flashbacks again, I can't get out of my head him on top of him and his noises, his face all gross, his disgusting tongue, the feeling of his skinny dick like a knife inside me, I want to erase it, I want to delete that month, even after taking 2 pregnancy test that came negative (I still have the last one around) I imagine escenaries about what happens if I am pregnant and I'll kill myself,I'll jump from the roof of this building or let the gas open (I like that one better). I'll never letting anyone else touching me,never.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Im fine

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

I hate de front camera of the phone so much, but not as much as I hate my fat face.

3rd day under 1000, finally seems like I'm able to start controlling my self.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Today intake was aprox 800-850 Cals, on damn fruit xD but wtv I'm ok with it cause didn't had any proceced shit or bread-ish stuff.

Tomorrow will probably be the same cause I've only brought apples and eggs for this days.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

T_T

literally check the mirror every morning as if it’s gonna be different (not that i can really see it lol)

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

I miss things that I never truly had.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Tw rape and abuse talk. Just ignore.

I was raped in January, from a guy, a "good guy" ,you know the type, funny,easy going,social, but it was something off with him since the moment I met him, I felt it but thought everything was in my head. At that time I was living at a "friend" house, whom with lies convinced me to go to his city, he even "had a room"(lies) for me, I ended sleeping in his room, then one Saturday he wanted to show me the sea, I never see it before and I hate it forever now, he kissed me and started to touch me,I don't feel like it so he told me about this arrangement wasn't working for him and his brother and his fucking roomate who hated me since the beginning cause me being a woman didn't know how to cook ...cause yk I have an uterus and that comes with a need to take care of man in every motherly way...so he never say it out loud,but I knew what he was asking,or he was going to kick me out,In the most horrible place where I knew anyone else and had 0 money for rent. I let him fucking me,that time and other times. I started drinking again hard. Oh and since all this what happening he started to see a younger girl,not of our age , and then asking me for advice with I gave cause I thought maybe sleeping with her and having a relationship with her with make him stop. Didn't went that way. At this point, wherever I wasn't looking for a job to get out, I was drinking.(I was clean for a month before this,I know it seems little,but I have struggling with alcohol addiction since I was 14),one of the reason to move so far was because a psychiatrist advice of how good will be to finally move to a place I like, and get out of the people I used to hangout.

His birthday was a few weeks after this, I don't remember almost nothing,was already fucked at the beginning, I liked a guy who had good weed, we were going to fuck,I remember saying to him that I wouldn't do it if he didn't had a condom,and a trans woman I used to hangout there listening to him asking one, and told him "she isn't in her right mind rn so don't, she also told me I make him leave the room cause changed my mind about that, then I passed out in the room, when I came back to my sense, this friend of them, the "funny and good guy", was on top of me, making noises,I was dry and, he didn't even knew how to kiss, and the way he was doing it idk if he just sucks or was a virgin at 29 freaking years old, but it was painful, Idk if he came, I told him to get out of the room. He stayed in the house tho,he practically lived there by then. All the guys were acting like I was the one who had the best night,the must fun one, and I was all sore, full of bruises, burns.

I never invited him to the room, he came inside it, and fucked me while unconscious without a condom.

My period was suppose to come around that time,it didn't,I get so scare,I had to ask money to get out of that city and come back to the one I was originally, cause here at least I love it,I was weak and stupid for believing my ex friend, in a month a was humiliated,abused,raped, mistreated. I took a pregnancy test that came back inconclusive, and that shit is expensive so I had to wait for 2 weeks to take another,started binging,that one came back negative,but idk if I have some other disease cause we went on lock down since March till now, and I have no medical secure. Now I'm like 15 kg more than what I used to weight six months ago,and more scars and bruises cause I relapsed on sh too,but I'm clean from alcohol for 2 months now so, somehow a tie?

The first time I was abused was when I was 4-5 I don't remember well,for an older teen(he stopped when I was 10, I think I got to older for him then), then at the same time for a girl friend who was just a year more older than me at 9, then all my life was a magnet for certain type of guys. I think it is my fault, I feel like I go around giving out some pheromones that scream "this one, choose this one cause she is an easy target and she's used to this anyways". I never cryed about anything that happens on January, I'm just embarrassed, and I treat all this like normal, but I get frustrated in little things at the point of being aggressive and hurtful. With me.

I wanted to get this out of my head at least a little, I want to be able to sleep.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

I'm in a pretty down mood so I'm going to try and do a list of things a do enjoy/like, rn:

-walking in the rain while listening to music.

- watching this place when it's cover with snow

-drinking hot chocolate(when I can if I've maintain if I could save those calories to be part of my total cals for that day)

-the smell of cigs and black coffee

-avoiding small talk in rl cause covid made everyone paranoics af (which i appreciate it) and wearing fase mask to cover my ugly mug.

-not texting my toxic ex

-reading manga and light novels

-wish I could say watching anime but it's uncomfortable to see them on this phone tiny screen

-my scale being on the mail but getting it probably in a month,but still, I will be more consistent when it arrives.

-egg whites omelettes with spicy sauce, sugar free jello and gum for the cravings of saucy and sweets.

-seems like im coming back to be able to restrict!

-the sound of my stomach growing

-Xanax

-quit drinking since the last days of may(for the bloating and binge trigger)

-avoiding getting myself in dangerous situations and meeting more fucked up people than myself,and far worse annoying and dick centered.

And that's all so far, hope in a month I can say losing at least some of the weight I put since hellish January.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Rebloging for my anxious ass to remember this.

I need to remind myself that it’s fine that I’m not skinny yet, that my expectations are too high. It’s not like I got this fat in one day, so I can’t lose it all in one day. It’s okay if it takes time to achieve my goal.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

So, today so far I had a Monster Paradise 12 cals, and an omellete with 3 egg whites (17x3) cause I was feeling kinda dizzy, I like the normal ultra one better than the paradise, why is so expensive here ugh. I'm planning to stay below 400, I'm not hungry and not feeling like binging either, strange but nice.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

To whoever invented sugar free jello,thanks xD made a bunch of it and helped me to go through today.

Somehow managed to avoid eating anything else, but that and coffee,also drinking a shit ton of water, which I always tend to forget so,so far, wasn't such a shitty day,just uneventful.(but didn't went for a walk, now just passing from the bedroom to the kitchen to burn at least 100 cals lol)

I think I need to increase my water intake cause my skin is breaking apart ugh.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

My scale be arriving like in a month,and that with luck(which I don't have),so I have 30 days to stop this gain madness, yesterday I purged and my gums hurt again, I'm not having anything but coffee, instant soup and sugar free jello today, maybe a capuccino later, probably around 300-400 in liquid cals. Let's see how it goes later.

Going for a walk later for an hour at least, I don't want to shower (yeah, that seems to be a frequent mood lately)but I have to wash my grassy hair, I don't want to touch or see my body rn.

[coffeeandcigsforbreakfast]

Rebloging cause I should move my ass today.

Regular physical activity is one of the most important things you can do for your health. It can help

Control your weight

Lower your risk of heart disease

Lower your risk for type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome

Lower your risk of some cancers

Strengthen your bones and muscles

Improve your mental health and mood

Improve your ability to do daily activities and prevent falls, if you’re an older adult

Increase your chances of living longer

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