competitive-commanding-blog

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Updates and the Future

So uhh hi guys, I’ve got some bad news.

CC is dead or at least I think so.

Yesterday he was playing his usual deck (comprised mostly of Platinum Angels and counterspells) at a new card shop that we had just found, when he was approached to play a new game of magic in the back room. He always appreciates a new challenge, and abandoned his game. I was in the middle of a game with another person, so they just left me there to finish.

I, for one, do not know exactly what happened. I heard yelling, lots of cursing from CC, things getting thrown. I’m guessing they were questioning the legality of his deck. Which is a pretty big pet peeve of CC.. or was..

Anyways. It got pretty quiet back there and I finished my game, so I decided to check up on them. When I got there it was a mess. There were cards everywhere, literally hundreds of Platinum Angels were scattered around the room, with an upturned table. CC would never willingly leave his collection of Platinum Angels anywhere.

I rushed to find the store owner and asked about the guys that had gone with CC in the back. Apparently they were fairly new employees from the WOTC offices. That’s pretty much all the information I got from him though. I waited for hours thinking that maybe he had taken a walk to cool off, but he never showed up. I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I thought about calling the police, but there really wasn’t any evidence and he hasn’t been gone long enough to be declared a missing person. I’m pretty lost.

I’m going back to the same card shop today for Friday Night Magic. I hope I find him, I hope he’s alive. 

-Temporary Replacement Competitive Commanding (TRCC)

[competitive-commanding-blog]

I like your humor. You should post some more. Or not. Who gives a shit anyways. (I do.)

I could do that. I’ve been hella fucking busy lately. As well as working on some other non-mtg related shit. Guess I’ll spend more time thinking of shitty ideas to shell out to you fuckers. Thanks for the support, always fucking appreciated, I guess. Fuck you.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Post-Valentine’s Day Fun

What is the number one thing people do on the day after Valentine’s Day? Feel depressed at how shitty their life is.

I mean, I don’t. Because I am a literal fucking godsend and could not be happier. You on the other hand are probably pretty fucking sad.

Today we honor this sadness by finding out which Magic card is the saddest of them all. Get ready to get emotional, because this one going to be a first-class train ride to Sorrow-Ville with only one stop in the city of Go-Fuck-Yourself.

This card is sad for a couple of reasons. First of all the flavor text is a little sad. It’s a card about losing everything. Pretty fucking depressing. Secondly, the card’s effect is complete fucking bullshit and that is also sad. Lastly if you play this card you will lose all of your friends, which I think is pretty fucking hilarious, therefore Obliterate does not win.

Another depressing story, this one is a tale of a man who must sacrifice himself in hopes of saving those he loves. Ultimately he is as terrible of a card as you are a Magic player. So he does not win.

Look at this, look how sad it is. An ugly child thing and his toy, all scared and shit. Just trying to save people by preventing some motherfucking damage. But he can’t do shit because he is terrible. I’m seeing a reoccurring theme here. Squee doesn’t fucking win.

Wizard’s sure tried their hardest when pulling this out of their depressing collective asses. What kind of card is this? I think the real sad part is that this is one of the better cards that came out of this set. But not fucking sad enough.

You see we’ve been going about this all wrong. Trying to look inside of cards to find what the saddest card is, but is that really the point of Valentine’s Day? No, the real point of Valentine’s Day and every day after, is sharing memories with your loved ones. Not being sad, but being joyful for everything that life has to offer. So the card that wins isn’t the one that makes me sad, it’s the card that I love the most, it’s the card that makes me better than you.

Did you forget about this card? I bet you fucking did. That is the real tragedy. You might have also forgotten how much better I am than you at literally fucking everything. Go fuck yourselves, you Tumblr shit stains.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Sorry To All My Fans

Hey guys, I just wanted to apologize for all the profanity that I have used over my posts. 

I’m sure it was rather offensive at times, and I’d just like to take this moment to apologize. I was going through a dark time in my life and an experience really just changed my outlook on everything. That’s why I’ve been gone for a while now and I’d like to share the story with you.

I am in college of course, I’m sure you’ve gathered (Hah, gathered.) Well in college I met a very special girl.We went on many dates and we actually ended up living together at the start of this semester. 

Well one thing led to another and she ended up getting pregnant.After a long long amount of discussion we came to the conclusion to keep the child. It only brought us closer together as a couple. Painting the nursery, buying toys, clothes, and feed, and just overall getting ready for the child was a very special time for us. 

We ended up gathering our families together for a meal. We made food for everyone of course. After the dinner we ended up sitting everyone down and announcing the news. Most of them took it well. By most of them I mean everybody except for my father.

My father is a very religious old fashioned man. He of course was not used to this sort of thing, a child out of wedlock. He started towards the door and I told him to wait. Turning back towards me he said “You were always different.” And he Stormed out. I broke down crying.

Soon the due date was any day. We were just waiting and ready.

Her water broke and she went into labor.

We got to the hospital.

She went in.

I felt like I had to try and reach out to my father one last time, he should know his grandchild was about to be born.

I called.

Ringing

Ringing

An Answer

All I hear is screeching

A doctor comes out and hands me my child wrapped in cloth.

I take the cloth off of its face.

I look down and looking back at me is the face I have long despised.

The Face Of Storm Crow

I look back at the doctor. The doctor is a Storm CROW. I Look At MY WIFE. MY WIFE IS A STORM CROW. THEY ARE ALL SCREECHING AT ME. CONSTANT SCREECHING. I RUN OUT OF THE ROOM AND INTO THE BATHROOM...

I look in the mirror.

I am..

I am..

A Platinum Angel.

Yeah that’s fucking right. You shit stains can all go fuck yourselves. I hope you guys had fun reading this, because I put almost no fucking thought into it. I’ll probably start posting again, who fucking knows really though.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Are you dead

Maybe yes, maybe go fuck yourself.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Hey man you alright?

Ah yeah I’m doing pretty fucking alright. Haven’t posted in a while cause I started doing too much shit for other people, like requests. That’s not what this blog was fucking about. I do whatever the fuck I want. I’ll probably post again sometime. Thanks for the concern fucker.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

No Blazing Shoal in the Shu Yun deck tech? Scrub. Hitting people for over 21 commander on turn 4 (or turn 3 if you're super lucky) means someone has to sit out the rest of the game and watch you play while feeling shitty about how terrible they are to die on turn 4.

Oh man, I definitely don't give a fuck about your opinion. If you didn't take the time to notice I did not include non creature spells because there are too many that you can put in there and left it up to whoever was building. Fucker

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Long ago, I said I would do this fucking deck tech. I finally got around to it.

Here’s a Fucking Deck Tech I Said I Would Do

This fucking deck is the based around combat. I fucking hate combat. “Why do you hate combat CC?” Combat means you are ending the game, in a fair way. The best way to end the game is to make your opponents hate the game so fucking much they don’t want to play with you anymore. I like to avoid f words whenever I can, you know like fun and fair. But I did fucking agree to do it, so this small deck tech will be a good outline for whatever the fuck you feel like you would want to do with this deck.

Shu Yun, the Silent Tempest is pretty fucking nice anyway, low cost, great value. I also enjoy his colors for what this deck is trying to be.

What we put in here, is creatures that trigger when they deal damage. Sphinx Ambassador is super fucking good, you’ll get two different creatures as long as they don’t guess them, and it’s pretty easy to expect the people you hang out with aren’t that intelligent. Thada Adel, Acquisitor is another creature used to tutor your opponents deck for their best fucking cards. Numot, the Devastator is also just a good add, land destruction is my favorite. Blinding Angel will make your opponent have to skip two, or more combat steps. Cephalid Constable gets rid of threats and can be beefed up to be much fucking better. Noble Purpose is a life gain utility. Raven Guild Master is pretty nice, though definitely not the best or the fastest fucking way to win. Quietus Spike speeds up the game.

Extra combats are a fantastic fucking pairing with the double strike. There are so many cards that achieve this. Aggravated Assault, Fury of the Horde, Hellkite Charger, Savage Beating, Seize the Day, World at War, as well as Aurelia, the Warleader. 

Aurelia goes nicely with Felhide Spiritbinder to give you infinite combats as long as you have the mana. Which if you have two of the following Iron Myr, Silver Myr, or Gold Myr you don’t have to worry about the mana aspect. Not too fucking difficult to understand, right? I always have to check with you fuckers.

Two other important cards to add are Medomai the Ageless for a large fucking amount of extra turns and Gisela, Blade of Goldnight for the large fucking amount of value.

For the rest of the deck, I’m sure there are some lower powered cards that you can find on your fucking own that have alright effects to throw in there. Land destruction is always awesome for red. White and blue are my favorite for lock down control. Really just do whatever the fuck you want. Doesn’t fucking matter to me. Unless you don’t add Platinum Angels, if you don’t do that, then you are just a big fucking disappointment. Not that you weren’t already.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Can you do a mimeoplasm infect and mimeoplasm mill? I want infect for friends and mill for the "friendly no infect" shop that's nearby.

Two fucking decks? Do you think you’re fucking special or something? I’ll get around to it.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Can you find a way to make the new red/white command NOT a giant solider letdown.

Ah you fuck, you know how much I hate it. I’ll probably do it though.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Could you make a deck tech for Nayan Dar, Roil Shaper?

Yes I guess I could probably fucking do that. My favorite colors.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

5 Fucking Second Tech

Feldon of the Third Path ~ $29

Suggested build: Don’t fucking build this, it’s god awful.

Where to find cards: In the trash, where you will be throwing this card

How to Win:  Step 1) Don’t fucking listen to me Step 2) Lose really fucking quickly Step 3) You’re not playing the shitty fucking game anymore, so I guess you win.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

I did already explain this. So I’ll copy it.

Alright fucker, you’re going to make me explain it and by explain it, I mean I’m going to copy and paste it.

1. Basalt Monolith is tapped and you tap 2 lands having {5} floating. 2. Pay {3} to put the “Untap Basalt Monolith” on the stack. 3. Pay {2} to put a copy of “Untap Basalt Monolith” on the stack. Stack starts resolving. 4. Resolve the copy of “Untap Basalt Monolith” and Basalt Monolith untaps. 5. Tap Basalt Monolith for {3}. Abilities that add mana to your mana pool don’t use the stack. You get the mana immediately. Basalt Monolith is now tapped. 6. Resolve the original “Untap Basalt Monolith” and Basalt Monolith untaps. 7. Now tap Basalt Monolith for {3} you now have Basalt Monolith tapped and you have {6} floating and you are back to your starting position with 1 extra mana.

Now you know how to fucking explain it if anybody asks.

I Saw A Card So I Made a Fucking Combo

Avaricious Dragon seems like a pretty fucking terrible card. “CC, is it a terrible card?” No card is a terrible card in my fucking hands.

Let’s just dive right into this long ass creative fucking top notch combo. So, you’re going to have to figure a way to get all of these fucking cards out on the field. Probably by having Basalt Monolith and Rings of Brighthearth out, creating infinite mana, so you have less fucking trouble. Now let’s pretend that you did manage to get all of these fucking cards out on the field. To your opponents it looks like you have absolutely no presence with your large variety of weird fucking cards, so they probably won’t do anything about it.

You pass your turn. It’s their upkeep. You say “Wait just a fucking minute.” You use your infinite untaps and mana created from Basalt Monolith, Rings of Brighthearth, and Voltaic Key. You turn your creatures into artifacts with Liquimetal Coating You can now infinitely untap them You use this ability to make infinite Avaricious Dragons with Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker Your opponents say “What the fuck are you even doing?” then “Oh fuck.” Donate all of them with Bazaar Trader Let them move to draw step. They draw their library and lose Rinse and fucking repeat

Bask in the feeling of superiority over those sewer dwelling underlings that only come up for their favorite card game, that you have fucking ruined for them. And remember that I’m the one who gave you that fucking superiority complex.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

I think it's pronounced like Fucking-Disappointment

How is the new commander pronounced? My friends say its kah-LEM-nay but im not so sure

I’ve been reading it as Kuh-LEM-nee.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Haven’t Done a Tech in a Fucking While Deck Tech

We’re doing Marath, Will of the Wild today. Marath is just a great fucking commander. There are so many fucking combos in these colors. The whole goal of this deck is to get one of those many fucking combos on the field as quickly as you fucking can, which is super fucking easy because of the shear amount and low cost. Most of this deck tech is going to be listing off a lot of fucking combos.

First of all Marath is super good fucking value by himself. Also he combos with a lot of fucking cards Marath + Cathars' Crusade + Earthcraft / Mana Echoes / Ashnod's Altar Marath + Illusionist's Bracers + Earthcraft / Mana Echoes / Ashnod’s Altar Marath + Doubling Season + Earthcraft / Mana Echoes / Ashnod’s Altar Marath + Ivy Lane Denizen + Earthcraft / Mana Echoes / Ashnod’s Altar Marath + Primal Vigor + Earthcraft / Mana Echoes / Ashnod’s Altar Marath + Archangel of Thune + Essence Warden /  Soul Warden  + Ashnod’s

Already you have a lot of fucking ways to create infinite mana or tokens to win the fucking game. We’ll of course add a lot of other good fucking combos to fill the deck with. Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker + Restoration Angel / Village Bell-Ringer / Seeker of Skybreak + Village Bell-Ringer Archangel of Thune + Kitchen Finks + Ashnod’s  Archangel of Thine + Spike Feeder Requiem Angel + Tooth and Claw + Purphoros, God of the Forge / Champion of Lambholt / Goblin Sharpshooter / Ivy Lane Denizen / Juniper Order Ranger / Warstorm Surge / Martyr's Bond / Earthcraft / Death's Presence / Cathar’s Crusade Basalt Monolith + Rings of Brighthearth

Some card draw combos are pretty fucking important to find the pieces. Basalt Monolith + Rings of Brighthearth + Sensei's Divining Top Skullclamp + Marath + Infinite Mana Combo  Well of Lost Dreams + Words of Worship + Infinite Mana Combo

Probably like... 50 fucking Platinum Angels fuck it, add like 30 more.

“CC this isn’t very insightful.” I’d apologize for the lack of commentary, but this is really all the fucking deck is. Also I don’t apologize. Because I’m always right. Oh, and fuck you for that comment. 

Honestly there are too many fucking combos to fit into this one post and as much as I would like to list every fucking one of them for you, I think I’ve done my job already. You just have to pick your favorite combos and put them in there. You have a lot of fucking wiggle room and a lot of fucking combos. Marath is nice because of how fucking quick you can win and in how many different ways.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Hey look it’s Commander 2016 season. I’m sure you’ve seen enough of these posts today, but my opinion is the most fucking important let’s not forget.

Fuck. Of course it’s fucking Boros. It’s Boros with a weird fucking ability. God fucking dammit. Who doesn’t love Giant Soldiers? With abilities that don’t fit their colors at all? This guy right fucking here. Gosh golly I’m just really fucking excited now.

Get ready shit stains, I’m sure these decks won’t measure up to my expectations.

[competitive-commanding-blog]

Alright fucker, you’re going to make me explain it and by explain it, I mean I’m going to copy and paste it.

1. Basalt Monolith is tapped and you tap 2 lands having {5} floating. 2. Pay {3} to put the "Untap Basalt Monolith" on the stack. 3. Pay {2} to put a copy of "Untap Basalt Monolith" on the stack. Stack starts resolving. 4. Resolve the copy of "Untap Basalt Monolith" and Basalt Monolith untaps. 5. Tap Basalt Monolith for {3}. Abilities that add mana to your mana pool don't use the stack. You get the mana immediately. Basalt Monolith is now tapped. 6. Resolve the original "Untap Basalt Monolith" and Basalt Monolith untaps. 7. Now tap Basalt Monolith for {3} you now have Basalt Monolith tapped and you have {6} floating and you are back to your starting position with 1 extra mana.

Now you know how to fucking explain it if anybody asks.

I Saw A Card So I Made a Fucking Combo

Avaricious Dragon seems like a pretty fucking terrible card. “CC, is it a terrible card?” No card is a terrible card in my fucking hands.

Let’s just dive right into this long ass creative fucking top notch combo. So, you’re going to have to figure a way to get all of these fucking cards out on the field. Probably by having Basalt Monolith and Rings of Brighthearth out, creating infinite mana, so you have less fucking trouble. Now let’s pretend that you did manage to get all of these fucking cards out on the field. To your opponents it looks like you have absolutely no presence with your large variety of weird fucking cards, so they probably won’t do anything about it.

You pass your turn. It’s their upkeep. You say “Wait just a fucking minute.” You use your infinite untaps and mana created from Basalt Monolith, Rings of Brighthearth, and Voltaic Key. You turn your creatures into artifacts with Liquimetal Coating You can now infinitely untap them You use this ability to make infinite Avaricious Dragons with Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker Your opponents say “What the fuck are you even doing?” then “Oh fuck.” Donate all of them with Bazaar Trader Let them move to draw step. They draw their library and lose Rinse and fucking repeat

Bask in the feeling of superiority over those sewer dwelling underlings that only come up for their favorite card game, that you have fucking ruined for them. And remember that I’m the one who gave you that fucking superiority complex.