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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #16: Senior Year

Today was my first day of senior year. I am taking 7 classes this year. I have zero period and five advanced placement classes. I am apart of ASB and five clubs. I am president for two of the clubs. And I am one of the chief editors for yearbook. You would think I'd feel extremely stressed right now...but I'm not. For the first time in a long time I feel in control. In addition, today also for the first time in a long long time I did not over eat.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #15: Self Punishment

Overheating is my form of self-punishment. Self punishment for not being good enough. Isn't ironic how my punishment does not condone that I correct myself .... Rather it causes me to become my worse possible self.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #14: My Burden

Today more than ever I feel how much of a burden having diabetes is.

For one I can not consider going to an out of state college next year because my diabetic coverage is only valid in California; so that mean bye-bye Hopkins, Yale, Harvard, etc

Also my mother does not support my career choice because I am diabetic.

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be a doctor; in specific an endocrinologist.

My mom does not want me to be a doctor because the road to becoming a doctor is a long one.

She believes the stress will strain my health...

I tell her that college is a stressful thing and if its not a medical career there will be another career that will cause me stress.

I just don't understand.

I HATE that my mom does not support my choice.

I HATE having DIABETES.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #13: Hunger

I feel like im falling apart.

I'm hungry but food doesn’t satisfy it.

It's this feeling I feel in the pit of my stomach that makes me emotionally and physically exhausted.

It scares me...

But what terrifies me the most is not knowing when this feeling will explode

And whether I will be alone when it happens...

Or will it be in front of everyone thus unmasking everything I hide with a smile.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #12: Disappoinment

Today my day started out great.

 I ate in moderation, my blood sugar was under control, everything was great.

But then I went to an appointment I had with my nurse and discovered I am now 10 pounds heaveier!

I don't understand...

I have been exercsisng almost daily and I haven't overeaten more then I usually do..

As you may guess the news dorve me to my "coping" skill of overeating.

I NEED HELP NOW!

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #11: Opportunity

Today I spoke to my older cousin for the first time in a long time. He told me about a work out / support group he was attending. He explained how for the past month that he has been participating his out look on life changed. He stopped smoking and drinking and is working at bettering himself. He offered me a chance to attend these work out/ support groups with him. I have decides to attend. I hope that I too will be able to turn over a new leaf: to stop my overeating, boost my self esteem, and completely better myself. I pray this is the opportunity I have been waiting for. I finally feel hope.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #10: Grown Apart

Today is my younger cousin's birthday party. She turned the big one seven.

My cousin was my best friend when we were little.

We told each other every thing.

We began to drift apart in middle school and became complete strangers by the start of freshman year.

She's tall, slim, popular, and beautiful and I'm her complete opposite: short, fat, a social zero, and ugly.

There isn't a day that I don't miss my cousin, my once a upon a time best friend.

But we've grown up and change is inevitable.

This fact pains me and causes so much anger.

The only things that comfort me is her happiness and my memories. 

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #9: Senior Portraits

I received my senior portrait appointment today.

It's in 20 days.

I can't help feeling angry at this fact...

I should be excited but I'm not.

All I can think of is how fat and ugly I'm going to look.

A thought that gives me the urge to "cope" through  EATING.

It's ridiculous and HUMILIATING to acknowledge that the thing that brings me the most comfort, (food), is the same thing that brings me the most pain, (my weight).

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #8: Unknown

For a long time now, I have this unknown feeling that lives within me....

My refuge this entire time has been music.

Sometimes its multiple songs , but more often then not it's one song.

That one song I have on repeat because it describes everything I'm feeling at that particular moment.

You can't deny:

It's easy to  find yourself in the lyrics of a song.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #7: Anxiety

I feel so much anxiety trying to avoid food. I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's ridiculous.

I feel anxiety when I look myself in the mirror and see my fat and I feel anxiety when I don't eat.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #6: Call to Action

I constantly complain and cry because I am dissatisfied with my image yet I don't do anything about it.

If I am not satisfied with myself why don't I do something about it?!

I have the power to morph myself into someone I am comfortable with.

I need to surround myself with positive energies.

I need to surround myself with people I'm comfortable with and who support me.

I need to start taking care of myself.

I need to love myself.

I need to take action.

I need to take action NOW.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #5: Reflection

As summer comes to an end two things always occur:

1) I complete summer assignments which I should have started a long time ago.

and

2) I go back to school shopping

It is my belief that almost everyone if not everyone goes back to school shopping. For some back to school shopping means new school supplies, or new clothes, or if lucky both. My parents have always made sure that every year before the start of school  I have enough clothes, shoes, and supplies for the start of the new academic year. So I guess I can be considered one of the "lucky" ones.

Yet, I don't feel lucky and I don't enjoy going back to school clothing shopping. I actually DREAD clothing shopping of any kind.

Why? you may ask I mean most normal teenage girls can not wait to go shopping. so why don't I?

Well the reason is simple: I HATE back to school shopping because of the mirrors.

Today my father picked me up to take me clothing shopping.

I was having a good time looking through racks and rack of beautiful clothing, until I glanced over my shoulder. In that glance something caught my attention, it was a mirror. In that mirror I saw the reflection of a short and fat girl. That girl was me. The reflection the mirror demonstrated to me was my own. I stared at it and couldn't help but dislike everything I saw...

I tried to forget the image by grabbing a couple of random clothing articles and headed to the fitting room.

When I entered the room and shut the door behind me I faced a panel of mirrors. I attempted to ignore them and began to undress. When I was finished putting on what I had brought in to try on I looked up. I looked up and again saw the reflection of that short and fat girl. What was the point of choosing beautiful clothing if the way they looked when I wore them made them ugly. 

I undressed quickly.

In the process of undressing I looked at myself in that panel of mirrors standing there in my undergarments.

It was a HORRIFIC sight to see. It was me.

I felt gross and ugly. I WAS gross and ugly. I AM gross and ugly.

The mere sight of myself was enough to make me cry.

I avoid mirrors as much as I can: but I cannot avoid the reflection of myself I see walking up to a glass door, or walking beside a large window, or walking beside a glass building, or even walking beside a car.

They all portray my reflection.

And with every reflection I see I cant help but hate who I am a little more every single time.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #4: My Problem

I have a problem. I overeat.

I constantly tell myself my problem is a simple one and simple problems entail simple solutions.

Therefore, my simple solution is to STOP EATTTING.

Every single morning when I wake up I tell myself  "Today is a new day. Today I will eat a healthy amount. Today I will take care of my diabetes.Today I will not harm my body. Today I will begin to love myself. Today is the day."

Every single morning I look myself in the mirror and speak these words...these lies.

They are all lies because everyday within an hour of saying them I commit the same crime. I stuff my mouth to no end. I eat everything in my path whether it be leftovers from last night dinner, or an enormous ball of cereal, or the cookies my mom tries to hide, or all of the above.

But believe it or not the worst part of my problem is not the eating, its what the overeating entails:

For one it messes with my blood sugar levels. I am constantly running high because I don't cover all the food with enough insulin. I am also constantly running lows because sometimes I overdo it with the insulin.

However, the aspect of my problem that causes me the most pain is my weight.

Like I've said before and ill say again: I am overweight. I feel DISGUSTING. I look DISGUSTING. I HATE myself. I have a closet and dresser full of clothes and more than half of them don't fit me. The clothes I manage to fit in exemplify my fat. I am fat and disgusting and honestly it's no ones fault but my own. I did this to myself... I have continued to do this to myself... and I pray that in the future I will not be continuing this disgusting habit. But I will not get my hopes up; simply because I do not want to add "failure" as another one of my problems.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #3: Diabetes

I consider myself to be a strong mature and responsible young lady; but I did not always attribute these characteristics in my lifetime. I did not become the person I am today until I was six years old. It was a cold and gray September evening when I received the news that ultimately changed the course of my life. I was six years old when I was diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes. I did not understand what being diabetic meant but inside my gut lingered the feeling that being diabetic was as gray as the sky outside. My gut was right. The specialized nurses began to explain to me what being diabetic meant; but to me their explanations sounded more like restrictions. I was to use to eating whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted and diabetes felt like a burden on who I was. There was not a day I did not curse the world and question it with "Why me?". I was forced to grow up faster then any other child and I hated it. I felt left out when it came to enjoying my life as a child. With no responsibilities or care in the world. I carried a great weight upon my shoulders that weighed me down and prevented me from seeing the bright side. It was absolutely essential that I learn how to count carbs, prepare and apply injections, and measure my blood sugar. It seemed that being diabetic was more like a full time job, and depending on how I managed it became my pay of either good or bad health. I complained for what seemed to be eternity but what was in reality about 3 months. After three months I began to understand that no matter how much I complained, or how much I cried, diabetes was here to stay forever. Therefore I began to take interest in my new characteristic. I began to pay attention to my endocrinology team and absorbed all the information they fed to me like a sponge. It did not take me long to grasp all that was taught to me. This acquisition of new knowledge made me feel grown up and I began to enjoy sharing  information with my peers about what I was going through. Diabetes started off as being a childhood stealer but not long after became something I was good at. Diabetes, although it has brought me some struggles and scares, has morphed me into the person I am today and I am proud of that person. Today after almost 12 years I am thankful for diabetes. It may sound ridiculous but I genuinely am greatful of being diabetic. I am greatful because being diabetic has inspired in me a love for endocrinology. It is this love for endocrinology that inspires me to become an endocrinologist. Diabetes has become an epidemic in the United States with the rise of obesity in this country and as a diabetic I want to bring a call to action to thus seize this epidemic. It is for this reason that I no longer ask the world the question of "Why me?" but rather I ask "Why not me". I am a believer and I believe that I am diabetic for a reason and that reason will lead me to my ultimate greatness.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #2: Anger

Do you ever feel so angry you just want sit and cry? Do you ever have those days in which you hate everyone around you, you hate everything around you? You hate everything about you? Anger consumes our souls in the most brutal of ways.. think about it: when your angry you act out of impulse: you say things to people you don't really mean: and if you do really mean them you know you did wrong in divulging them. You hurt everyone around you because you yourself hurt... and what's worse is sometimes you have no idea why. Anger resides in the dark places within us and when it is released it inks out and drenches us. It drenches us in a pool of misery we drown in, suffocating ourselves to a point in which if we permit it, kills a piece of our souls.

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Confessions of an Average Teenage Overeatter Post #1

I must admit it's pretty weird to create a blog in which I divulge all my life secrets for potentially all cyber space to read...although there is always the chance no one ever sees or reads any entries... Anyhow which ever is the outcome of my decision to create a blog  I hope it relieves a bit of the load I carry upon my shoulders. I am your average female teenager. There is nothing about me that makes me outstanding, cool, or popular... I am simply me. I attend a regular public high school and deal with the same day to day scenarios most high school teens experience. Being that I am simply only one average person in this entire world filled with average people, you may ask "Why?" what on earth must have possessed me to create a blog if I have nothing extraordinary to offer? the truth is, I don't know why... I just know that regardless of whether or not someone actually takes the time to read this blog it's something I had to do. On this note I will like to continue by revealing to you day to day aspects of my life. For one I am a insulin-dependent diabetic. I was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of six and today almost 11 years later I still look for a way to cope with such characteristic. I currently reside in a small home with my mother and siblings. My parents are divorced. My father had multiple affairs, and my mother finally decided that a loveless marriage and a hostile environment was not one she wanted to give to her children. therefore, my mother finally stored up enough courage to serve up my father with divorce papers. Its been officially over two years since my parents officially ended things (even though the divorce papers were served almost six years ago).  Since then my mother who was use to living the life of a typical housewife took up a place in the life of employment as a housekeeper. We struggle to make ends meet but we manage. I have an older brother who seems to have lost his way in life. I don't understand him. I try to; but I just cant seem to grasp completely the nature of his ways. He works part time  to "help" with the household needs; but seems to spend his money on junk food, friend outings, cigarettes, and marijuana. He graduated high school 3 years ago yet has only managed to attend one semester of community college. I also have a younger brother, he is a very bright fellow. In him I see aspiring greatness however he worries me too. He shares a room with my older brother and I fear he may be negatively influenced by him. he also seems to compulsively eat which frightens me because I feel that awful habit is influenced by me. I am a straight A student. I am not smart but I get my work done and it attributes to my good grades. I am flawed in many ways but I hide everything behind my figurative mask. I am overweight and I often try to pin my over weight to a slow- diabetic metabolism. this excuse I use is complete and utter BULL. I'm overweight because instead of expressing how I feel I divulge mountains and mountains of food. But of course no one knows this because I hardly eat in front of everyone and I over exercise in front of everyone. I've got them all fooled because I sneak around and eat. I HATE myself... especially when I cry to my peers saying " I eat right... I exercise... why am I fat?" I know damn right I am fat... I just lack the strength to admit it. I mean take this blog as an example: I'm hiding behind a false name a false identity...Why?... because I am a coward simple as that. The only thing that bring me some comfort is the fact that I know my eating is a compulsive way to rid myself of emotions. I understand that my eating is only a temporary fix but I have hope that my blog is a blog for a chance to readapt myself of myself. And if that never happens I hope that at least one day: today, tomorrow, or 20 years from now someone comes across this entry and identifies with a piece of it and realizes that no matter how horrible their life may seem they are not alone in this this struggle we call life. Yours Truly, L.L