confusedkoalabear

[confusedkoalabear]

Even Turtles Fall Too Fast🐢🏳️‍🌈

Hey y'all! It's Pride Month and I wanted to write something ridiculous and emotional. So here’s a love story about a gay turtle named Shelldon who got rejected by a boy he met online. Yes, it's a metaphor. Yes, it's personal. Yes, you can cry.❤️‍🩹

**DISCLAIMER**: This is a purely fictional and playful story featuring an anthropomorphized turtle character, Shelldon, who experiences human-like feelings and emotions. It is not depicting or endorsing any kind of real romantic or sexual relationship between humans and animals. It’s just a fun, imaginative metaphor for unrequited love and emotional vulnerability - nothing more, nothing less. 💞 

With that being said, let's begin the story, folks -

Look at this turtle. 🐢✨

His name is Mr. Shelldon.

Say hi to Shelldon.

Shelldon thinks a boy is cute. 🥰

But, the only problem was that the boy was a 22-year-old human male named Chad.🗿

In fact, Shelldon told me in secret that he might be gay for him.✨

He asked me to give the boy the banana without saying that it was from him. 🤭

This morning Shelldon asked me for yet another favor. He gave me a note and asked me to type it out as a message for a certain specific human boy (Of course, cuz duh, turtles can't type with their flippers)

It said -

 "Hey handsome, it's me- Shelldon. Everytime I read your messages, I feel my shell tingle in places I didn't know could tingle. I may be cold-blooded by nature but you've got me hot under the collar and baby, I don't even wear clothes. 😏

I've had frogs throw themselves at me, snakes slide into my DMs. But none of them made my shell rattle like you do. So congrats - you’re special. Or maybe I just like the thrill of emotionally ruining pretty boys.😉

You've been crawling through my mind like algae in my tank. I close my eyes and see those lips, and boy - my shell ain't the only thing getting hard. One day I'll come to meet you in person but until then, keep this banana as a token of my not-so-subtle desires.❤️‍🔥

Take care to peel the banana nice and slow - and don't worry baby, I'll take care of the tip. She might have said it's from her, but we both know it's not.😒

You’re my obsession. My delulu delusion. My slippery little fantasy. In fact, I’ve even written our wedding vows in algae on my rock.🤭

Let me keep it real: I’d let you flip me over and whisper sweet nothings while I pretend I can’t roll back. I sent you that banana on purpose. Not as a joke - as a message. Peel me back. Find out what I taste like underneath all this confidence.🥵

Shell yeah, I said what I said. Now come ruin me.😚

Yours truly,

- Shelldon, freaky in the swamp 🐢💦💚

P.S: I've attached a photo of myself along with this. You can look at it yourself and decide if I'm pretty enough for you, my sweet boy( which I know I am 🥰)"

Chad read the message with a weird expression on his face. He said, "This Sheldon guy seems fun, but he's not really my type".🤷

The day passed. Shelldon came to me the next morning. I delivered him the news about the boy's response. Shelldon started bawling his eyes and yet again, wrote a letter for the boy💌 -

"To the boy who shattered my shell,

Do you have any idea what you just did? You didn’t just misspell my name. You obliterated my entire existence.😭

I am SHELLDON - with two luscious L’s - not some physics nerd stuck in a sitcom rerun. I’m the king of the swamp, wrapped in a turtle shell.

But you? You couldn’t even honor me with the right spelling. You made me Sheldon - a name as bland as your commitment.

I pictured you whispering my name like a forbidden spell: “Shelldon…” Soft. Sultry. Dangerous. Instead, you typed Sheldon like you were ordering a boring sandwich. Cold. Tasteless. Betraying.🥲

How could you do this to me? Did you think the double L was optional? That the extra L didn’t add the extra love, the extra lust, the extra life? This isn’t just a letter, it’s a cry from the deepest, swampiest parts of my soul.

Honestly? I told myself I wouldn’t write. I told myself I’d move on. I told myself I wouldn’t let a pretty boy with soft brown hair and a hard heart ruin me.🥀

…And yet here I am. Banana untouched. Hope? Decomposing like my uneaten lettuce.

You told me I wasn’t your type. And babe, I wish you’d just have punched me in the face instead. It would’ve hurt less. Because when I handed you my heart, you handed me back… closure. How dare you.😤

I had dreams. Delusions, sure - but delusions with DETAIL. I imagined us slow dancing in the shallows. Naming our hatchlings together. You rubbing algae balm on my back while whispering, “Shell me your secrets."🤤

But instead… I became just another weird story you tell your friends. “Oh yeah, this gay turtle fell for me. Gave me a banana. Weird, right?”

You’ll laugh. They’ll laugh. Meanwhile I’m at home, deleting the wedding Pinterest board I made. Do you know how long it takes to find a tux that fits a turtle?? THREE HOURS, CHAD. THREE.😠

I wrote you vows. I peeled you fruit. I whispered sweet, unspeakable things to the algae in my tank. And now I’m sitting here, listening to Lana Del Rey and watching my tank water turn salty from my tears. 🥺

But it’s cool. It’s fine. I’ll just crawl away… slowly… dramatically…maybe into oblivion.🕳️

If anyone asks, I’ll say I slipped on a banana peel.🍌

Live your life, pretty boy. But just know: somewhere out there, a turtle is hurting. And horny.

Do I still cry over you? Yes.🥹

Meanwhile, you? You’re probably out there… peeling bananas all wrong - with some basic bipedal mammal girl who doesn’t even know how to retract into her own body during a breakdown. Hope she gives you everything. Hope she peels your banana without passion. Shell yeah, I'm DONE 🐢😭"

💔 Poor Shelldon, soon after handing me the note meant for the boy, he crawled away while aggressively twerking in the boy's general direction while crying simultaneously.

I told the boy about how heartbroken Shelldon was after the rejection. And then the boy said, "Tell Shelldon I'm sorry. Plus we live on different continents.🌍

Even if I agreed, this is just a recipe for heartbreak. And I'm not worth it."😔

So I did what he asked. I told Shelldon about what he said.

A few weeks passed and Shelldon invited me to the pond for evening tea. And he told me a story. A story of his love. I thought the boy deserved to hear it. So I went ahead and recorded it for the boy in secret ☕-

"I wasn’t born brave. Most turtles aren’t. We hide. We survive. We don’t confess. Born to a family of emotionally constipated tortoises, I always felt different. I liked mango gelato, floral scents, and secretly watched queer movies in the algae shadows when my older cousins were out biting fisherman toes.🌈

My only real companion over the years? The slow, philosophical, and hopelessly romantic Mr. Snailton - a snail with a shell so shiny it reflected stars and secrets. Mr. Snailton used to say,

“Shelldon, never let the world tell you your shell is too soft. Softness is strength, my sweet summer snapper."😘

It was Mr. Snailton who held me as I came out, whispering,

“Your truth will scare them, baby, but shine anyway.” I cried that night - tears glistening like dew on pondweed.🤧

Years passed. Heartbreaks came and went. Snailton moved on to pursue a modeling career in Paris, and I? I began writing sad poetry and performing interpretive swamp dances for frogs who didn’t clap enough.🎭🐸

And then… came him.

The boy.

Chad.❤️

A white boy from across the ocean, with soft brown hair and eyes that probably looked haunted in the moonlight. I didn’t care that Chad was broken. In fact, I saw beauty in the cracks. I saw him. Not all of him- just a glimpse. A cheekbone in bad lighting. A whisper of soft brown hair. A lonely boy who looked like he hadn’t been held in years.😮‍💨

Suddenly, my little turtle heart screamed, “Oh shell. I’m in love."😍

And all of a sudden I realized this world was black and white. And Chad’s the only thing in color.

I knew I shouldn’t have. He lives oceans away. He thinks he's not worth the swim. He told me not to fall. But I did.

I fell like a lily pad in autumn - slowly, hopelessly, beautifully.🍃

I picked a banana from the ripest tree in the garden of my longing. I handed it to you, the only one who knew how bad I had it - and I said, “Don’t tell him it’s from me."🤫

But now he knows.

All I wanted was just to be seen. To be known. To be the one who made him laugh when his demons were screaming.

But instead… he gave me a thumbs up. A polite “he seems fun."👍

He thinks this is all a joke, doesn't he? But I would’ve made him banana pancakes on Sundays. I would’ve danced with him in the rain - even if my shell got soggy. I would've loved him even when he couldn't love himself.🥞

He shattered me with softness. And I didn't know how to deal with it. So I carved his name into a lily pad. Then watched it float away. Even if he didn’t see it, maybe the universe would.🌌

And then, beneath the moonlight glimmering over algae-slicked stones, I dreamt of him. Again.💫

A boy not mine to love, yet mine to mourn.🕯️

If I’m ever reborn, I hope I come back as the sound of his laughter. That way... I’ll finally know what it’s like to be his.❤️‍🩹

Shell yeah...I loved him.  But I guess as John Green once said, that's the thing about pain...it doesn't ask to be named, it demands to be felt. And oh, how I felt it.🥀💔"

So yeah. That’s the story of Shelldon. And maybe…just maybe, a little bit of yours and mine too.🍂