considerourknowledge

[considerourknowledge]

Report: X-Men Better Hurry the Fuck Up And Fix This Dark Timeline

With the passage of Donald Trump's evil as shit measure extending tax cuts and slashing the social safety net, as well as deadly floods in Texas that could have been mitigated had Trump and Elon Musk not cut key programs, it is becoming clearer that we are in a dark alternate timeline. The only thing to counteract this rapidly worsening situation is for the X-Men. led by Prof. Charles Xavier, to use their mutant powers to alter the past to change the future. "We have a plan and we are going to put it into place soon," said Xavier from his school for gifted youngsters in New York. "Our team will not allow this to escalate and have Elon Musk create the Sentinels."

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Diddy Gets Off On Getting Off On Most Serious Charges

Sean "Diddy" Combs was acquitted on Wednesday of sex trafficking and racketeering charges, but convicted of transportation to engage in prostitution, after an eight-week federal trial. A jury in Manhattan found Combs not guilty of the most serious charges against him, which he was obviously happy about and he immediately began making plans for a celebratory "freak off." While it isn’t a full acquittal, and Combs could face years in prison, he was clearly elated by the verdict. "Everyone who wants to should stop by my place later for some fun, you know," said the perverted and sexually depraved rapper and producer as he exited the courtroom.

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Senate Strains to Pass Giant Turd of Trump's Policy Bill

A divided Senate on Tuesday narrowly passed the Republicans’ terrible, awful, no good, very bad bill to slash taxes and social safety net programs, as the G.O.P. muscled through deep internal rifts in a bid to deliver President Trump’s shitty agenda. The 51-to-50 vote sends the legislation back to the House, where its passage is far from certain even though Trump has demanded that lawmakers send the bill to his desk for enactment by July 4. Three Republicans who aren't totally pathetic little Trump puppets, Senators Susan Collins of Maine, Thom Tillis of North Carolina, and Rand Paul of Kentucky joined all Democrats in voting against it, forcing Vice President JD "couch fucker" Vance to cast the tiebreaking vote. The bill would extend roughly $3.8 trillion in tax cuts enacted during Trump’s first term, provide tens of billions of dollars in new funding for border security and the military, and fuck over countless citizens by brutally gutting social programs that everyone relies on.

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ICE Unknowingly Throws Second Coming of Jesus in Van For Looking Like Immigrant

Reports from a prison in El Salvador are saying that Jesus Christ is being held captive having been sent there by U.S. ICE agents for "looking like an immigrant." The second coming of Jesus happened sometime last week in Texas, but because he looked Middle Eastern and not white with light brown hair and blue eyes, as so often depicted by dipshit Christians, the son of God was immediately nabbed by ICE and shoved in an unmarked van. "I remember that guy, and no way was that Jesus," said one unnamed ICE agent. "Not only was he dark-skinned, but he never said anything about how gay marriage is an abomination or how guns are awesome. He just said some lame ass stuff about love your neighbor." No plans are being made to extradite Jesus back to the U.S. because according to President Trump, "if that was Jesus we don't want him. He's clearly with MS-13."

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Democrats Out to Prove They're Allergic to Youthful Success

The day after Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani rocked the nation’s largest city by becoming the presumptive Democratic mayoral nominee, New York’s political leaders declined to formally endorse him, and some donors to former Gov. Andrew Cuomo considered coalescing behind corrupt turdbag Mayor Eric Adams. Mamdani’s successful showing comes as Democrats across the country are facing profound questions about their lackluster leadership and political strategy. Rather than seizing on the momentum of Mamdani's invigorating win, Senator Chuck Schumer and Representative Hakeem Jeffries were wary of endorsing him because they are evidently allergic to success. "I think I'd feel more comfortable backing an older, more established and corrupt Democrat," said Jeffries. "Young, exciting leadership really isn't what our party is about anymore."

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JD Vance Tips Off ICE About Brown Woman In His House

ICE agents received a report late Tuesday that Vice President JD Vance was concerned that an immigrant woman was in his home and that they should investigate immediately. Vance's wife Usha Vance (nee Chilukuri) is the likely suspect, and even though her parents are from India, she was born in San Diego, making her a U.S. citizen. It was clear the vice president was encouraged to contact ICE by President Trump who was convinced that the second lady might be a dangerous immigrant, given that she isn't white. When reminded that Trump's wife Melania is an actual immigrant to the U.S. he said that she doesn't count because "she's white and hot." It was unclear if ICE has taken any action against Usha Vance yet, and it was also unclear what she could possibly see in her dipshit bigoted husband.

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Trump's Expert Deal Making Skills Yield Cease Fire That Lasts A Whole Hour

President Trump lashed out at Israel and Iran on Tuesday for launching attacks almost immediately after he had announced a cease-fire, highlighting the fragility of the deal that seeks to end 12 days of deadly fighting. In expletive-laced remarks to reporters, Trump said he was “not happy." Trump, who claims to be an expert deal maker despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, wasn't as successful at brokering a peace deal as he had wanted, and now hopes that public shaming will get the two warring nations back in line. As he left to fly to The Hague for the annual summit meeting of the NATO military alliance, Trump was ready and excited to poorly manage another set of international relationships.

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Bush to Trump: Stop Copying Me!

In the wake of President Donald Trump's attack on a Middle Eastern foe who had done nothing to the U.S., former President George W. Bush could not help but notice that Trump appears to be cribbing from his early 2000's war criminal playbook. Preemptively attacking Iran to distract from economic problems at home is eerily similar to Bush's attack on Iraq in 2003. "That guy needs to stop copying me," said Bush to friends over the weekend. Trump insists he is not copying Bush and is just doing the smart thing by maybe perhaps eliminating Iran's nuclear capabilities in the same way Bush "destroyed" all of Iraq's WMDs. While U.S. officials are still unsure whether or not American bombs knocked out key pillars of Iran’s nuclear program, Trump is planning a celebration of the operation with a massive "Mission Accomplished" banner.

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Israel's Chief Import and Export is Missiles

Israel’s air defense system continues to intercept missiles from Iran, which now means that the country's chief import is the same as their chief export. Missiles have been Israel's chief export for a number of years, along with diamonds, and Gazans. Now, thanks to their ongoing fight with Iran, missiles now join oil, coal, and machinery as Israel's main imports. With Israel’s airspace closed and much of its economic life suspended it seems as if missiles will continue to be a chief import for a while longer.

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Mike Lee Slightly Less Popular Than a Prolapsed Hemorrhoid

Utah Republican Senator and utter piece of human excrement Mike Lee on Tuesday deleted a series of inflammatory social media posts from over the weekend on the deadly attacks in Minnesota, prompting a confrontation with one of the state’s Democratic senators. Lee provoked controversy when he made a series of tone deaf and sociopathic posts on X speculating about the political affiliations of the alleged shooter. In one post he wrote, “This is what happens when Marxists don’t get their way.” And in another he appeared to link the suspect to Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, a Democrat, posting: “Nightmare on Waltz Street.” Lee, has been justifiably raked over the coals by anyone with a shred of decency for his callous and malignant behavior, and in a new COK News poll, Lee is now ranked as slightly less popular than a prolapsed hemorrhoid, and just ahead of Ebola Virus and being electrocuted.

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Not Much Happened This Weekend

According to sources from COK News and other top outlets, apparently this weekend was devoid of any big news stories. There was very little news to report on, both domestically and internationally, and as such people took a break from getting constant updates from their phones and TV. For the sake of people in the news media, we hope that things pick up soon because there is just no way to carry on when things are this boring.

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Real Life Javert Attends Kennedy Center Production of 'Les Misérables'

President Trump attended the opening show of Les Miserables at the John F. Kennedy Center in D.C. on Wednesday night, attracting both his idiot supporters and people rightfully protesting against him. Trump says the show is one of his favorites, but the protests going on outside the Kennedy Center, as well as all over the country against his totalitarian presidency make you wonder whom in the show Trump identifies with. Given that the musical is about an anti-government uprising in France after indiscriminate persecution of the downtrodden, it seems like Trump might not quite get what the show is really about. "Javert is my favorite, and I think he gets treated very unfairly by that awful Valjean," said Trump, who hopefully ends up like Javert does.

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Fat Old Man Trips On Stairs Like a Feeble, Clumsy Dope

A video of President Donald Trump went viral over the weekend after he appeared to briefly stumble while climbing the steps of Air Force One. After talking to reporters in Morristown, New Jersey on June 8, Trump boarded the plane on his way to Camp David and tripped because he is a feeble, clumsy old man. "He's so top heavy, it's pretty surprising that he doesn't trip more," said one of the reporters in the White House press pool. Trump is tied with former President Joe Biden for the oldest president to be sworn into office, and is equally, if not more of a liability on stairs. "What a fat klutz!" commented some middle school kids who saw Trump trip.

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Trump Signs Travel Ban for 12 Countries He Could Never Identify on a Map

Today President Trump signed a travel ban on 12 countries, primarily in Africa and the Middle East, reviving an effort from his first term to prevent large numbers of immigrants and visitors from entering the United States. The bigoted and seemingly arbitrary ban, which goes into effect on Monday, bars travel to the United States by citizens of Afghanistan, Myanmar, Chad, the Republic of Congo, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Haiti, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen, none of which Trump could identify on a map if you gave him 1,000 tries. Trump justified the travel ban as necessary for national security, but critics say it discriminates against people based on their ethnicity alone, which is in keeping with how Trump and his team of racist scumbags operate.

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House Republicans Starting to Regret Not Paying Attention to Their Work

The sprawling legislation carrying President Trump’s domestic agenda squeaked through the House with one vote to spare, but some Republicans now say they didn’t realize what they voted for. Even some of Trump's most ardent brown nosers are saying that they should have paid more attention to the contents of the bill and are claiming buyer’s remorse about measures they swear they did not know were included. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia said that she had been unaware that the mega-bill she voted for would block states from regulating artificial intelligence for a decade. "I usually just blindly trust President Trump, but I guess I should have paid some attention to what I was voted here to do. Ooops," said Greene.

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Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Chicken Tacos

The Democratic Party has commissioned a taco truck to serve free lunch outside the Republican National Committee’s DC headquarters beginning at noon on Tuesday. The giveaway is not just to mark taco Tuesday, the food is also meant to get under the skin of President Donald Trump, who has recently become associated with the acronym TACO—shorthand for Trump Always Chickens Out. In response to being mocked so openly, the president has signed a new executive order banning chicken tacos from being served in any government building. Stephen Miller, the Nazi penis who helped pen the order, said that it had nothing to do with the TACO acronym so clearly offending the president, but as a way to limit ethnic food favored by immigrants, but everyone knows the real reason.

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Dissatisfied Musk Leaving Washington to Return to Other Places He Isn't Wanted

Friendless Apartheid-era automaton Elon Musk has decided that he will be ending his government work to spend more time on his companies. Musk has also made it clear that he is disillusioned with Washington and frustrated with the obstacles he encountered as he blindly and haphazardly hacked at the federal bureaucracy, not to mention that nobody in the Trump Administration liked or respected him in any way. While he maintains that he is still the president’s “first buddy,” both men have been content to avoid mentioning each other lately, and seem to be cooling on their partnership as the fallout from the DOGE experiment appears to be about as popular as AIDS. Musk will reportedly try and scare up some friends at one of his companies, but the likelihood of that is very slim.