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How to survive on tour

Hey y’all. 

For the past 6 months I have been on tour. I don’t need to get into specifics on what tour; but we traveled around the country and it rhymes with Shimderfella. 

So, if you are anything like me before you leave for your first tour, you google everything. Every little nugget of information you can find on what to expect on a tour, you’re finding it. Sadly, the bulk of the information are for regular band kinda tours. Which if you’re a drummer in a rock band, awesome! But if your doing a Theatre tour, not so awesome. Different set of circumstances. 

During my 6 month voyage across the USA and Canada, I compiled a list. A list of what I learned that I want to pass on to you. Your company may do things differently. And this list is going to be very beneficial to crew people. Sorry actors, our buses are completely different as are our schedules. So here goes!

The Bus:

Ah! Your home away from home because if your tour was anything like mine, you wont have many hotel rooms. So cherish the moments when you do. But the bus! The bus is...fun. If you are considerate and get along with your crew members, the bus is gonna be the shit. 

Jump on the bunk assignment train early. They probably give first priority to returning crew members but in case its a free for all, don’t be nice. Ask for a middle bunk!! The top is fine but jumping up to get to your bed can be hard if your drunk or the bus takes a turn at that exact moment. The bottom, well its the bottom. Pros: you can just roll in and out of the bunk. Cons: sometimes they are the smallest of the bunks. 

No number 2s. DON’T POOP in the bus. Don’t even think about pooping! Just keep that sphincter tight until you’re off that bus.

Label your food in the fridge and be considerate regarding space. The fridge is only so big and you gotta share it with 11 other people. 

Keep a bus bag. If you don’t have a hotel room and are showering in the theatre, keep a duffle in the back lounge with clothes to last you until you get a hotel room. Keep your toiletries there, shower shoes and a towel. 

Bunk alley is the quite zone. Don’t even think about talking above a whisper unless your absolutely certain no one is sleeping. 

Respect bus call times. You’re an adult. Get on the bus on time! There is a tight schedule and you don’t want to have everyone mad at you.

How I made my bus bunk suck less:

Mini humidifier: it gets hella dry in that bus.

Plug that can charge multiple things at once

Pillow

Blanket. I would even recommend a heated blanket if you’re like me and get cold all the time. They keep bunk alley at a cool 60 degrees. Your gonna freeze your ass off if you are the type of person who gets cold easily.

Slippers

Small shower caddy that can suction to the wall. It can hold your glasses, mini humidifier, and phone. 

How to pack for tour: 

Look at your tour schedule. Pack for the cold and hot if need be. We went from Milwaukee in early November to Dallas before thanksgiving. I needed my winter coat in one and not in the other. So pack accordingly. 

Limit your shoe options. I promise you, you wont need a lot of shoes. I got away with two pairs. My docs were my all the time shoes and a pair of sneakers for the gym or when my feet needed a break from the docs. 

Pack more socks and underwear than you think you need. 

Pack clothes that work for multiple things. The only pants I packed were black workout leggings that I wore to the gym and to work the show. I basically only rocked the atheleisure look. 

Pack one nice outfit if your tour lands on a holiday and the company is gonna do something nice for you. And for closing night parties, companies go all out for closing night parties so dress nice. 

A nice towel for the times when you have to shower in the theatre. And write your name on it. If your wardrobe department has a bus towel bag you don’t want anyone else using it! 

 How to save the environment:

Pack tupperware. You can end up with a lot of leftovers if you’re like me and don’t eat your load out meal that night. But hey, its lunch the next day! 

Reusable silverware

Travel coffee mug and water bottle, obviously!

Don’t get your hotel room cleaned all the time. Or at least don’t get your sheets and towel changed every time if you do. 

My bus had a Keurig machine. I would use the k-cups from hotel rooms but for the most part, I bought a reusable one from walmart and a bag of coffee and used that. 

Take hotel soaps and encourage your crew and actors to do the same. When you have enough and are in a city for longer than 2 days, find a shelter and donate them. 

How to save money: 

Find ways to cook. Go half on a instant pot with someone and use that to cook. I made rice in my hotel room and in the wardrobe room at work. 

Stay out of the mall

Go grocery shopping. Eating out for every meal adds up. 

Eat the free breakfast at hotels if you’re in one and they have one

Cut back on your drinking. Or buy the beer at a supermarket instead of going out to the bar every night. 

Look at the buyout options and if its cheaper to book your own travel to and from layoff, do that! I made like 200 bucks taking the bus home rather than the flight they would have booked me on and it was only a 2 hour drive. 

Buy detergent pods and dryer sheets. Most venues let you do your laundry if your crew. If your an actor, make nice with your wardrobe people and they’ll make nice with you. Not a guarantee but we let actors do their laundry at the venue if they were desperate and bought us wine. 

As much as you like grub hub, Uber eats, or whatever, don’t do it. Save it for the times when you’re in the middle of nowhere or just got back from layoff and they haven’t done a grocery store run yet.

Stay sane on tour: 

Find your own thing. I made it a priority to go to every art museum in every town we were in if time allowed.

Be by yourself so you’re not with your crew every day. You’ll get on each other’s nerves that way. 

Branch out and hang with other people. Other departments, musicians, actors, they are fun too. 

Learn to say no to nights out and do some self care in your hotel room.

Sleep at a reasonable time. Especially if you have an early call the next day. No point in staying up drinking till 3am if you have to be at work at 6 the next morning. No one wants to hear you bitch about how tired you are when you did it to yourself. 

Stay Healthy:

Hotel gyms. An hour a day does help. 

Cut back on drinking, especially beer. 

Eat healthy when you can. Even if the only option is fast food. You can still get a salad from McDonalds. 

Eat a large meal before the show so your less likely to eat afterwards and then you’re going to sleep after a heavy meal. 

Drink lots of water. 

Get a flu shot before you leave.

I threw a lot in there and I’m sorry. I totally made it seem like its gonna suck. Part of it will. But its also gonna be a lot of fun! Find ways to make it fun for you. 

We found so many fun things to do. Escape rooms, axe throwing, arcade bars. You’ll find someone who likes that kind of stuff too and you can enjoy doing them with your new friends.  And even though I said don’t drink like twice up there, doesn’t mean you cant enjoy a cocktail every now and then. Sometimes you need to decompress over a cocktail. Just be conscious of the cost and the frequency. 

So the part that is guaranteed to suck: ONE NIGHTERS! How do you make them suck less? Sometimes you can’t. You’re stuck in a shitty one nighter but here’s how to make them suck less:

Buddy up with an actor. If their hotel is close by and your load out is done before you have to leave for the next city, you can walk to their hotel and shower in their room. Beats showering in the theatre, if there is even a shower in the theatre. 

Think about food options. Pack for lunch and preshow dinner because you might be in the middle of nowhere and there are no options. 

No matter how shitty the venue or how tired you are, don’t take it out on your crew. They could be the shittiest people ever but don’t take it out on them. Word spreads and you could get in trouble with your company or they just are gonna suck even more because you yelled at them. 

Take what you can! 

Some venues provide a really good craft service spread. Take what you can. I’ve gotten so much butter, bagels, coffee creamers, OJ. Pretty much anything that could be eaten and would most likely be thrown away by the venue at the end of the night, I took. My crew made fun of me for basically leaving venues with groceries, but that stuff went a long way. I ate for free a lot because I took food. 

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Hate Watching and the Art of Nicholas Sparks

“If I hate watch a movie twice, do I no longer hate it?” 

I posed that question to my friend upon beginning my second rewatch of Nicholas Spark’s The Choice. She assured me everyone has been there, especially with his movies. Something in the saccharine, melodramatic, love story keeps us coming back again and again. Even when we know his formula. Boy and Girl meet, argue, fall in love, and one of them dies. Or in the case for The Choice, they don't; even when they should. 

So what in The Choice is bringing me back. It’s not good. It’s too long. Boy and Girl, have no chemistry whatsoever. I can’t even put myself in Teresa Palmer’s place, like your supposed to in movies where the female protagonist has no character and is only meant to teach the male protagonist a lesson. The lesson in The Choice is love, I think? That’s what it is in most Nicholas Sparks movies, so I’m guessing. 

So let’s breakdown the plot of The Choice and maybe someone will tell me why I like it. Because it did start out as a hate watch. I needed some background noise while I worked on my HW and I found myself actually paying attention to it. And then I did it again; I made that choice a second time.

So Travis, played by Benjamin Walker doing a Foghorn Leghorn impression, is neighbors with Gabby, played by Teresa Palmer. They’ve apparently been neighbors for a while before the movie started, but they hadn’t met each other yet. Which is crazy to me because they live on an island and there is no indication to the audience that anyone else lives on this island. And its the Deep South, based on Walkers accent, so you know, southern hospitality. Y'all should have known each other is what I’m saying. 

Their first interaction is a fight, because of course it is; easiest way of conveying passion in film is to show two people fighting. There is no passion though; they are two pretty blocks of wood yelling at each other because Gabby’s dog is pregnant and she thinks his dog is responsible. 

It was a crazy fight. 

She takes her dog to the vet where, surprise surprise, or not surprise surprise if you’ve been paying attention, of course Travis is the vet. Gabby feels tricked by this for some reason. But girl, how long have you been living in this town? Have you never taken your dog to the vet? Have you not noticed your neighbor is also the vet? If you knew he was the vet and decided you didn’t want to interact with him ever again, were you gonna take your dog a town over to another vet? 

I'm not sure how they begin hanging out outside of the normal pet parent/vet interactions. But they’re neighbors and this seems like the most normal interaction between the two of them. They quickly have sex. And I’m like this the entire time:

To be clear, I’m both Damien and the black guy in this gif. 

Travis threw everything on the counter and table to the floor in his “passion.” And I don’t care how “passionate” you are in your lovemaking, someone is going to have to clean that up later. 

They spend a happy month together. She gets Travis to go to church, because it’s not a Nicholas Sparks movie if there isn’t some Christianity thrown in. And they celebrate his dead moms birthday. 

Eventually, it all comes crashing down. Gabby’s boyfriend comes back into town. That’s right, she has a boyfriend and Travis has a weird lady friend situation going on. So at worst, they are both cheaters. 

The strongest relationships are built on the ashes of old ones. 

Travis professes his love to her. After a month of being together! Only a month. I don’t even like my friends from month to month, let along someone I’ve only know for one. 

Gabby gets back together with her boyfriend. And Travis gets back together with his lady friend. Presumably another month passes. 

Travis’s lady friend tells him to fight for Gabby.

No we don’t. Also relationships shouldn’t be that hard. Also stick up for yourself, lady friend whose name I forgot. 

Travis fights and gets punched out by the boyfriend. But he perseveres and makes it to her parents place. Or what he thinks is her parent’s place because he doesn’t know anything about her. They’ve spent all of a month together and they never once discussed the fact that her parents aren’t rich, they’re the cook and butler for rich people. So y'all just fucked the entire time and talked about him. Cause we know that his mother died and his dad took it hard. And that he doesn’t like church. 

He proposes and her parents are all too fucking gung-ho about helping him out even though she says no, a lot. She turned down your proposal so many times and he just kept going. What a way of starting this marriage, by not taking no for an answer. 

I said no, Mom and Dad!

But they get married anyway. And have two children. And dont age at all. Their kids age, but they don’t. 

So time passes and you’re wondering how they are going to manufacture more drama for these two crazy kids. Well, Gabby gets in a car accident and ends up in a coma. And this is were she should have died. Because the rest of it makes no god damn sense. 

She’s in a coma for about 3 months. Superman doctor says that statistically, if they don’t wake up before 3 months, they probably wont ever wake up. 

He doesn’t pull the plug. He builds her a god damn gazebo in the middle of their secret beach and finds her old wind chimes that were blown away in a hurricane and somehow, that wakes her up. And there are no medical problems. She doesn’t have to relearn how to walk or eat. She waltzes out of that hospital like nothing happened. 

The power of wind chimes. 

So what is this movie about? They keep mentioning choices and how everyone has a choice they need to make. But what was The Choice? Their choice to love one another? Because that didn’t seem like a hard choice to make at all; they didn’t even bat an eye at cheating on their significant others. His choice to not pull the plug. Again, not that hard. It’s not like people were saying do it. They just said “here are the facts, and she had a DNR so....” 

Gabby had less of a choice than Travis. Because she said no to his marriage proposal multiple times and he didn’t listen. She had a DNR and he didn’t pull the plug, even though that was her choice. And this is supposed to be romantic? Your partner never taking no for an answer. 

So really it's His Choice. 

And before I forget, the real tragedy of this movie is the animal that died and sat on Maggie Graces head. 

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Me when I forgot this existed. Lets see if I can post more this year. 

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The Redhead

Numero Uno on my grand tour of all things Fried Chicken was this beautiful East Village spot. Technically it was number 2 but my partner in crime (PIC from here on out) and I did not realize what we were doing until it was too late. Maybe I’ll go back to number 1, Pies n Thighs in Brooklyn and review it.

The Redhead! 

Atmosphere: Charming spot. Cute hipstery vibe. Lots of exposed brick, if that’s what you’re into. Small dining quarters so watch your elbows and hope there are no children around to hear your gross conversations with your PIC describing his sex life in graphic detail. 

Drink: White Wine! No complaints. I love wine. PIC got a coke as he is a teetotaler.

Food: I’m reviewing fried chicken, so of course it was fried chicken. Great outer crust! Very crunchy and savory. A lot of herbs and spices so you are really getting amazing flavor. Deep down chicken was very moist but all flavor ended at the crust. Seems like they didn’t marinate the chicken in anything, just breaded it and then fried. Bonus: One piece was straight up just breast, no bone. So we were able to go in and not worry about choking to death on bones

Came with a side salad. What the actual fuck. I’m eating fried chicken, I don’t want to be healthy right now. Give me mac and cheese!! Give me mashed potatoes!! Give me waffles!!!!!

I also ordered a side of the jalapeño corn bread, which was AMAZING!!! Made up for the salad. Just the right amount of jalapeño so you’re all the sweet corn bread goodness followed by a slow heat. My PIC ordered some weird asparagus side dish. I’m not a fan of asparagus but it was delicious. It had this cheese crumble thing on top that was fantastic. It was like feta but not feta. Find me this cheese people! 

No desserts as we were both full from dinner but they gave out lemon poppyseed cookies with the bill. Always a plus! 

Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, this place is a 6 1/4. Jalapeño corn bread really kicked it up that 1/4. Side salad prevented it from reaching for the stars. You can do better than that Fried Chicken.

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Oh My God. It’s been forever.

I gave up on the crap fest that was Hemlock Grove season 2. If you finished it, good on you. I could not. 

But I have returned my loyal band of 6 followers. I’ve been working hard, studying even harder and watching a crap ton of tv. Good news is Pretty Little Liars is back on the air and my heart already can’t take it. Orange is the New Black returns next week! YAY! And my friend and I have been tackling the best fried chicken joints in NYC. So expect reviews of these things!!!! 

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I Saw The Spoils of Babylon So You Don't Have To

For about a month after IFC's The Spoils of Babylon premiered, my friend Alicia was obsessed with it. Every time we got together she would ask me if I had seen it yet, she called it the funniest thing ever, and the statement that always stuck out to me was "it's filmed the way you would read a book." While she was correct about the last statement, I must disagree with her about it being the funniest thing ever. 

The Spoils of Babylon is a miniseries about a film based on a book, The Spoils of Babylon. The author Eric Johnrush, Will Ferrell, playing the same character he has been playing for years now,

upset with how Hollywood treated his first book, The Spoils of Alabama, decided to finance, film, and direct the sequel, The Spoils of Babylon. 

I don't feel like recapping the entirety of this miniseries, so instead please forgive my plagiarism as I will be lifting the plot directly from Wikipedia:

Patriarch Jonas Morehouse shepherds his daughter Cynthia and adopted son Devon from meager beginnings in the oil fields of Texas to powerful boardrooms in New York City. Cynthia and Devon, entwined in undeniable love, stumble through war-torn battlefields, blazing mansions, filthy drug dens and velvet-sheeted bedrooms on their quest for power and influence. Despite Jonas' best efforts to intervene, Cynthia and Devon's merciless love sets into motion a wave of destruction that crashes down on Devon's graceful wife Lady Anne, his daughter Marianne, his colleague and lover Dixie, Cynthia's hen-pecked husband Chet, her evil son Winston, the scheming Generals and far beyond.

The problem with The Spoils is that it is played for laughs. They thought they could make it funnier by playing up its ridiculousness when in reality they should have played it as straight as possible and it would have been hilarious.

The funniest bits in the show were when the lines got to be too crazy:

Winston: I hate him. I hate him for you loving him more than my hatred for the lack of love for me born out of your hatred of your loving him more than your hatred of my hatred for the love you hate to have for him because of my love for you. I hate him for the love he hated to have for you and for your own hatred of love

Or, this was my favorite part, when Jonas gifted a pocket watch to Devon with a crazy long inscription:

Devon: "To my son Devon - Love, Jonas Morehouse. Fortune favors the man with purpose." Jonas: There's more. Devon: "For he is so driven that all his senses obey his singular ambition, lust and dreams alike, and even love steered straight by one passion." Jonas: Keep--keep reading. There's more. Devon: "Fear not the abyss of moral incertitude and spiritual chaos. His purpose shall be a lantern whereby which no shadow half or so severe shall darken his path. His footsteps forever will fall upon solid ground as no unseen surprise will interfere with progress, such is the man of purpose - a true leader--not just of men, but of all the elements: air, water, earth, and fire conspire against his visionary zeal. Undaunted, he travels forth and bends all these things to fit his majesty. Therein ends this inscription that I write for my beloved and... most cherished son, Devon, who I have passed this compass along to in hopes that he might ponder it from time to time should he lose his way. Jonas Morehouse - Your fat." "Your fat." Why did you put that? Jonas: Let me see that. Suppose to say "Your father." Damn fool ran out of space. He should have managed his space better.

That to me is completely hilarious because it wasn't played for laughs. You would expect an inscription in a pocket watch but you wouldn't expect it to be that long. 

Or when Devon spoke at the grave of his dead daughter:

Devon: How can your heart be still while the Earth continues its rotation?!? What cruel force spins us round on this day when all should stop to join in your... stillness? Can not the Earth forestall its diurnal course but for a while so that we can all share your eternal sleep? Oh that I could make it so! Like Prometheus I would be chained for eternity to the coldest rock while eagles tear at my flesh, in exchange for just one more breath of air from your... sweet, innocent lips. Ah, shoot, Marianne, I don't know what to say, I never been much for words.

The few scenes where the dialogue was the highlight instead of the action, that is where the hilarity lies. 

Unlike the slap fighting scene between Kristen Wiig's Cynthia Morehouse and Jessica Alba's Dixie Mellonworth that went on far too long:

I condensed the almost 2 minute slap fight into a five second gif and even that is too long. If they kept their slaps as punctuation like it was at the beginning of the fight, it would have been better. Instead they ventured into Family Guy Chicken Fight territory. 

I had high hopes for The Spoils of Babylon. It was highly recommended to me by my friend and she is one of the funniest people I know. It had a great cast, Kristen Wiig is one of my favorite SNL Alum.

You could have had Kristen Wiig making faces like this in every scene and I probably would have found it funnier than it actually was.  

If you are anything like me you won't laugh as much as everyone tells you you should laugh but watch it if you must, if I haven't deterred you already.

I will say this, the way Kristen Wiig and Tobey Maguier jumped to and from yelling in somber scenes, was purely magical.

Haley Joel Osment played a sweaty 15 year old in charge of a multimillion dollar company, a character he should continue to play forever, unlike Will Ferrell who should just stop. 

It has some pretty great chuckle inducing lines like:

But it wasn't tear jerkingly hilarious. (I gauge how funny things are based on if I laugh so hard I cry.)

Let's hope their sequel The Spoils Before Dying is better. 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep6: Origin Stories and Gender Roles

Oh my dear, dear readers, I am so terribly sorry for abandoning you. I truly am but not that sorry because I stopped watching Hemlock Grove and binged watched all the Parks and Rec. Netflix has to offer. And if I learned anything from my binge it is:

So I whole-assed my way through Parks and Rec. but I'm back now. Yay!

As the title of my post suggests we got an entire hour of Origin Stories. Not about how cutting a tail makes one a vampire; but we got a glimpse into other characters lives, that's good, right? Just as a head up, I just skimed through the episode to get straight to the end because that is all I really want to talk about.

Unethical Doctor is helping Eric Jr. overcome his vampirism through some kind of gene replacement therapy. There is no anesthesia.

Some Russian Scientist tells Famke what Unethical Doctor is doing. Famke is less than pleased. She confronts Unethical Doctor who tells her that Eric Jr. will be much easier to control as human. Plus hope lies with the baby. 

THATS RIGHT YA'LL!! Famke knew that the baby was alive the whole time. She goes to Eric Jr.'s Home and tries to strong arm her way to see the baby. Eric Jr. kicks her out saying "I don't want to be a parasite." Famke is all like "your are heartless." Eric Jr. retorts, "I learned it from you, MOM. I learned it from you!"

We learn Russian Scientists sketchy origins. It's interesting but I'm not interested.

Psychic Cousin Destiny throws a party with her Stalker Boyfriend. Declan comes home and mopes. 

He and Eric Jr. are exactly the same. 

Tricia shows up and proceeds to get drunk and high and sleeps with Declan. The next day Psychic Cousin Destiny tells her to "I know you're sleeping with Eric Jr. Get the fuck out of town and quite playing with my cousin cause I will kill you." Tricia goes back to feed the baby.

I've seen enough television and Neighbors (starring the beautiful Zefron) to know that you can't feed the baby from your boobs after you've been consuming alcohol and drugs. That is just bad news bears for the baby. But this baby is also a vampire, so what do I know. 

We get some creepy mask stuff too. One creepy mask tries to kill a boy but backs out of it and commits suicide in his car instead. He commits suicide by slicing his calves open. Talk about a slow death. His car is blown up by his fellow creepy masks. 

Shelley killed some people. She heard her friend getting beat up by his dad and she went over there and kicked ass. She got a cleaver in her back as a thank you. Her Uncle saved her and she is now in the warm, caring embrace of Unethical Doctor. 

I love that Unethical Doctor treats everyone else with contempt but adores Shelley. 

Now we can get to the real meat of the episode. After Psychic Cousin Destiny tells Declan that Tricia is sleeping with Eric Jr., he goes to find her at Eric Jr.'s home. We finally get the confrontation that we all knew was coming but thought they would be assholes and leave till the last episode. 

HUGS!

After their small tiff, Eric Jr. and Declan have a real honest to goodness conversation about their relationship and that is when I realized something that I forgot over the course of the show. 

Remember when I said I was afraid that they were going to do a whole Twilight thing, vampire vs. werewolf in a battle for Tricia's heart. Well I completely forgot that the true love story in Hemlock Grove is between Declan and Eric Jr. I spoke about it so many times, I can't believe I forgot that it was even a thing. Declan and Eric Jr.'s relationship is the one we are supposed to root for. 

I can write an entire essay about how Hemlock Grove is subverting gender roles in this show. But I won't because it has been years since I've written an essay and even longer since I've written an essay about gender roles in television/movies. Those essays include words like "binary gender system" and "appropriation of the phallus."

I miss my Women in Film class. 

Tricia is the Jacob to Declan and Eric Jr.'s Bella and Edward. She, just like Preggo Cousin, is the interloper and she will not last. They were/are both disposable women. They only exist to further Declan and Eric Jr.'s character development. She will die soon or at the very least be put in danger. They already set it up. We know that the creepy mask people are killing mothers and children. In this episode, Tricia took the baby out for the first time since it's birth and we see a van drive by slowly behind them at the park. It's bound to happen, it is only a matter of when. 

Tricia knows what's up. 

As a lady, I should be upset that they always kill off the main female (Famke and Shelley don't count because they are on the periphery of the main action.) But I'm not, because we have a female. It is Eric Jr. Or Declan. I can't tell. But I'm pretty sure it's Eric Jr. 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep5: The One Where Shit Got Real

I don't watch Hemlock Grove for its gritty realism. I can get that from Pretty Little Liars. 

Ohhh, Toby, you so crazy!

I watch Hemlock Grove because it is ridiculous. It's over the top, campy, trying too hard to be smart, horror. It leaves me making this "what the fuck did I just watch?" face. I don't want to try to put the pieces of the fucked up Hemlock Grove puzzle together; I want it done for me. I want that puzzle to be one of those kid puzzles that come with 5 pieces. When I want to think and put a puzzle together, I watch Pretty Little Liars. And then I cry because no one can figure out what's happening on that show. 

This episode put aside most of its goriness and left me with puzzle pieces. I thought I had the frame of the puzzle done but it turns out the pieces were put into the wrong box. So I thought I was putting together a nice boat landscape, and it turned out my pieces were to this crazy victorian house picture. 

I don't want Hemlock Grove to be a puzzle type show is what I'm trying to say. I also don't want it to be realistic. Stick with your vampires and werewolves and we'll be okay Hemlock Grove.

I'm done with the puzzle metaphor. 

Tricia and Eric Jr. discuss Psychic Baby, almost like she wasn't caught breastfeeding her. It's nice how they can pretend creepy things aren't always happening. Eric Jr. is still hungry. He daydreams about ripping Tricia's throat out. We get this nice picture. 

And that is all the gore we get this episode. So if that's all you're here for, it's been nice knowing you. 

Eric Jr. tells Tricia about the baby. Tells her it's his and that the mom died in childbirth, all true. And that he doesn't want his mom to know the baby is alive, also true. He forgot to mention that the baby was a product of weird mind control rape. Understandable. That's more of a 5th date type thing. 

Some doctor informs Tricia that her lactating is weird but not deadly. She is still freaking out, and rightfully so. I'd have bought my funeral plot by now. 

Declan gets released from jail and then freaks out and destroys his moms lawyers office. But it's okay because they break his mom out during her jail transfer using some type of gypsy drugs to make the guards see this:

They freak out and rightfully so. I'd have burned my face off by now.

They put her on a plane to Romania and that's another illegal thing they can add to Declan's resume. 

Remember that little boy Declan saved last episode. Doesn't matter, he's dead. And the mom too. Sheriff finally has to believe Declan because the murder happened in Canada and Declan's alibi was that he was breaking his mother out of jail. It looks like they will be teaming up to fight the bad guys. 

Unethical Doctor informs Famke that she is human. Or at least her cells are. What I'm trying to say is she is aging like a human now. 

I, too, sit around listening to myself age.

She goes out for karaoke and sings this horrible song in order to recapture her youth. She can die now and I wouldn't care. 

Shelley got a cell phone from the little boy who is taking care of her. She reads her email and sends one to Brother/Lover telling him to get off her dick and leave her alone. She changes her mind later and asks for help after she is awoken in the middle of the night by Neighborhood Watch. Why the watch went down into her basement is a mystery. 

Progress has been made with Unethical Doctor and Eric Jr.'s relationship. Unethical Doctor shows him the human he's been growing, who looks like Preggo Cousin but I guess it's not. That's another question answered, I think. I forget what my questions were. Unethical Doctor also shows Eric Jr. the Hemlock Grove version of True Blood. He offers Eric Jr. a cup. He goes a bit overboard. 

Eric Jr. and Tricia have sex. Ya know, since she is wet nurse to his baby. He freaks out over something and sneaks into Unethical Doctors apartment where he continues to freak out. Unethical Doctor sleeps with a sleep mask. 

Eric Jr. cries about not wanting be a vampire. But he's vampire with a conscious, so that's good. Unethical Doctor promises to help him, which sounds sketchy. 

We only have half of the season left guys. Are you excited? I'm excited. 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep4: The One Where I Was Constantly Disgusted

So sorry for my break in between the last post and this one. Someone at work decided they weren't spreading their contagion as fast or as wide as they thought they could be, so they coughed directly into my face. Combine that with air conditioned everything and you've got the perfect recipe for the dreaded summer cold. 

Episode 4 is aptly named: Bodily Fluids. Given how gross this show is anyway, just imagine how disgusting the episode titled Bodily Fluids is. 

We start the episode with a dead body and talk of semen. So when they say bodily fluids, they mean all bodily fluids. We don't know who the dead body is yet but crazy wolf chick is dead, for sure this time. Maggots are eating her wolf body. 

Tricia is caught at the tail end of her walk of shame by Eric Jr. She discusses leaving soon and he stares at her intently because he hasn't eaten in a very long time and can hear her blood pumping in her veins. So her departure can't come soon enough. He either wants to eat her or have sex with her. The looks she gives him tell me she is choosing c. None of the above. 

Eric Jr. continues on to work where his hunger affects him to an even greater extent. He's been trying to get the blueprints to his biotech building. He knows Unethical Doctor is hiding something in the basements and he wants to know what it is. But honestly, if the only thing Unethical Doctor is hiding is Preggo Cousin in embryonic fluid, I'd be pissed. Me, as a viewer would be pissed. Not me as Eric Jr., pissed. All this talk of the basement and how Unethical Doctor saved Famkes' life, I want there to be something even crazier than Preggo Cousin in that basement. 

Alas the basements are not included in the blueprints Eric Jr. requested, so the mystery goes unsolved for now. Eric Jr. blows his cool and is reported to HR. Can you be reported to HR when you own the company? If so, that is news to me. Eric Jr. freaks out the HR lady but otherwise makes a peaceful exit.

Famke is visited by the new sheriff. They discuss the disappearance of Brother/Lovers ex wife. The way Famke offered up helpful suggestions like "maybe she went on a trip," would be enough for me to get a search warrant. Famke had the ex wife in the tub in the previous episode, she might still be there. Sheriff talks about his sister so you know he only cares about avenging her death. If he does and that means the end of Famke, I'd be okay with it. She is no longer interesting now that she only has one accent. 

Declan calls around trying to solve the murders. You know, like the police do. He is interrupted before he has a chance to solve the case by Eminem and his drug dealing buddy. They try to, I believe the technical term is, fuck his shit up, but he turns the table on them and they leave. 

For a bunch of enforcers for a drug dealer, they sure do scare easily. They get semi castrated by their boss later on. Because they suck at their jobs and it's fair trade. 

Declan is still feeling the effects of having turned on the wrong moon but he stops a murder. Yay! He scares the mom of the boy he just saved into leaving town and gets rewarded with a stay in jail courtesy of the new Sheriff. While in the cell, he has another vision and starts talking crazy about how more people are going to die. If you wanted to seem less crazy Declan, you don't start yelling about your murder premonitions. 

Tricia, who is just trying to leave town, has started to become affected by the crazy that hangs around. She is breastfeeding. Yay!

I think it has to do with being in such close proximity to psychic baby. She milks herself because that is what every woman who discovers her boobs are inexplicably lactating does and decides to check out what's behind the locked door. Luckily she was hanging around in front of it when the butler was going in and heard the very distinct beeps and boops the buttons make. Even luckier, she remembers it on the 2nd try. She finds psychic baby and like the crazy woman in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, gives the baby her boob. 

We get a lot more of the beautiful mystery that is Shelley. She doesn't say much but she gives the little boy who is helping her out a piece of her finger. She can just break them off and give them out like party favors. I want to be her friend.

Eric Jr. in a hunger induced episode of crazy, attacks and eats a homeless man. He does this in the homeless enclave so when they hear the struggle and descend on the scene, he throws a wad of big bills up into the air and makes his getaway. New Sheriff was watching the whole time.

We should feel sorry for the homeless man but he was literally the worst homeless man ever. He cursed people out when they didn't give him money and followed them for far too long. I thought Hemlock Grove would be one of those towns that drive the homeless people out beyond their city limits but no, they've got quite the bustling homeless metropolis. 

Bodily fluid count:

1 talk of semen

2 boobs lactating 

And so many blood. 

See ya next time. 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep3: Sex, Death and My Superhero Thoughts

Remember the 1st season and that crazy chick who killed those girls because they were sluts. 

She's back!!!!!! For all of two seconds. She, as a werewolf, bursts forth from her grave and attacks a jogger out for a midnight run through the woods. You know, like people do. 

Our jogger, Shelley!!!!!!! 

She's back bitches and she's been working on her cardio. She kills the wolf, for the 2nd time! Seriously, crazy chick needs to find a new target because Shelley ain't having any of your shit!

Elsewhere, Declan and Eric Jr. run into each other at a trailer park. At least they are still sharing dreams! They were so focused on their issues that they forgot about the murder they both wanted to prevent. Oh well. 

Declan is all different types of fucked up after having turned on the wrong moon. He promises Psychic Cousin Destiny to not do it again but you know Declan. He's gonna do what he wants to do. 

Brother/Lover visits Famke and they have a boring conversation.

I feel like they want me to care about their relationship but I just can't. They are so boring. At least when he was cheating on his wife with Famke and her crazy accent it was interesting. You wondered why they were into each other. You were afraid they were gonna get caught. Now that they are together and Brother/Lover has left his wife for Famke and her 1 accent, I just can't care about them. Famke does kill Brother/Lovers wife in this episode, so we might get some conflict as the season continues. 

Tricia and Declan get it on. They have an awkward conversation about his dead ex-girlfriend. They bore me. 

Declan is only interesting when he interacts with someone who is morally corrupt. Declan is like Superman. All that righteousness gets boring. You need to have either internal or external conflict. That's why Batman and Eric Jr. are so interesting. They are both morally corrupt characters trying to do good. With Eric Jr. you are constantly getting internal conflict. He wants to be better but he's a vampire so the hunger is always there willing him to do bad things. 

Eric Jr. does tell Declan what part of the dream is but only after Declan apologizes for leaving after Preggo Cousins supposed death. There is still hope especially with this look. 

Other random things in the episode:

Eric Jr.s baby, in addition to having piercing blue eyes, is psychic. Everyone else can just give up now.  

Eminem and friend found out the drugs aren't real. They are gonna fuck shit up for Declan. 

Unethical Doctor got served for the death of Preggo Cousin and Eric Jr. is sniffing around trying to find out what he's hiding. Unethical Doctor also works for The Order of the Phoenix.

The Order of the Phoenix, run by priests(?), want to destroy or own the biomedical facility (I don't know which just yet). They were using the new sheriff to do that but he isn't feeling it anymore. He only wants to find out who killed his sister. They same sister who tried to kill Declan. I don't understand this storyline whatsoever. It's like the writers thought, "you know what we need, higher stakes." 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep2: I Eat Millions for Breakfast

Famke was happy. Eric Jr. bought a pony. We were introduced to a new character. Declan barely did anything. Psychic cousin Destiny got a Creepy Stalker. Unethical Doctor was there.

We begin on a dark and stormy night, Eric Jr. has hired a prostitute for the evening. He wasn't in the mood and kicked her out. He WAS in the mood for her pimp. He fed on him as the sweet sounds of porn played in the background.

Holy juxtaposition Eli Roth. 

Tricia from Orange is the New Black has joined the cast for season 2. She doesn't have cornrows, just so you know. She gets run off the road and seeks refuge at Eric Jr.s HOME. He broods at her bloody head. 

It was surprise your son at work day and Famke was there with bells on. She explains how Unethical Doctor can help him with his vampiric tendencies. He eats aggressively at her. 

Famke gets her grub on with Unethical Doctor and gets like me after I eat. Whatever the opposite of hangry is, Famke and I share the same affliction. 

Brother/Love drinks himself further into depression. 

Declan has one of his Ring like dreams. He asks Psychic cousin Destiny to explore them. She drinks his spit. 

Declan and I shudder in disgust. 

She almost dies and tells him to drop it. Which he is not going to do. He's all like "you don't tell me what to do!" Psychic cousin Destiny's Creepy Stalker gives him a hint and he's off. Hopefully his penchant for solving supernatural murders drives him into the loving arms of Eric Jr. and the band can get back together. 

Eric Jr. visits his crying baby and the nanny gives him a cryptic speech on how the entire family always ends up alone. At least they are alone, together.

In an effort to forestall inevitable aloneness, he asks Tricia to stay with him. He makes a pass at her and she nopes out of there fast. He watches her shower. 

We end with some crazy old man stumbling upon a creepy mask baptism in the woods. One of the masked men is baptized in crazy old man blood. 

Eric Jr. feeds on his pony. 

My thoughts on this episode:

Where is Shelley? She is literally the best person on this show. She is a fucking glowworm for christ sake! 

I'm not happy that I have had to wait 2 whole episodes before we get Declan and Eric Jr.s friendship back on track. I don't want Declan and Eric Jr. to be the vampire/werewolf version of Hatfields and McCoys. And I especially don't want these 2 to fight over a girl. 

I just can't have another Twilight in my life. 

One was more than enough. 

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Hemlock Grove S2Ep1: Back to The Grove

So Hemlock Grove starts off with a creepy man in a creepy mask blowing up a sleeping family and then flogging himself in the woods. 

He could have avoided this situation by not murdering that sleeping family, I'm just saying. 

We pick up with Declan, his mom, and cousin in Ohio at a gypsy funeral. Psychic cousin Destiny has sex in a bathroom with a man she just met, who may or may not have spied on her while she was peeing but definitely spied on her when she was 9 and swimming in some river. 

During their intercourse Declans mom is arrested and extradited to Hemlock Grove. The justice system works fast in this universe.

So there is the reason for Declans return to Hemlock Grove, Eric Jr. and this second season. 

Speaking of Eric Jr., he is now running the biomedical company his family owns. He gets pissed that millions of money is being spent on miscellaneous science. He touches Unethical Doctor with his pee hands.

And I shudder in disgust. 

Unethical Doctor meanwhile brought Famke Janssen back from the dead. Her accent has settled on American. So one of my questions has been answered and it's only the 1st episode. Keep this up Eli Roth. 

Unethical Doctor and Famke wonder aloud how Eric Jr. has been keeping himself fed. We find out how after a creepy old man strip tease. 

Leeches. 

Declan goes to Eric Jr.s home. It literally says HOME on the front gate. 

Their reunion is less than loving. Eric Jr. is still pissed at Declan for leaving him when his life was falling apart, adding to the life falling apartness. He denies Declan his request for a loan of 20 grand. Which is reasonable. Even if you were still friends you can't go around giving all that money to someone who has no job to pay you back. Which is how I feel about my student loans. I can't pay those back, who do you think I am, a Rockefeller? 

In a completely unnecessary storyline Famke is visited by her brother-in-law/lover who doesn't know that she died and was brought back to life. However, we do learn that Eric Jr. has no clue that Famke roams the Earth again and has set her accent to American. 

Declan decides to get the 20 grand by scamming Eminem and his fellow drug dealing friend who in some scenes looks like a dirtier Matthew Gray Gubler. 

To pretend that the drugs he just sold them are "legit shit," Declan turns on the wrong moon, which is bad news bears. We do get this great shot:

And I shudder in disgust. 

On the other side of town, Unethical Doctor has saved Preggo Cousin! She is living in some weird embryonic state. They plan on waking her up soon. So I guess we'll see what thats all about then. 

Eric Jr. picks up some random at a bar and in an ungentlemanly like manner, kicks her out of his car on the side of the highway before he feeds. He goes to a locked room of his HOME and we see his progeny, a baby with blue eyes you can swim in. 

He broods at it. 

See you next time where we will explore Episode 2. 

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Germany vs Argentina part 3

GERMANY WON!!

ANGELA MERKEL IS DANCING!!!

ARGENTINEANS ARE CRYING!!!!

Not as bad as Brazilians…

But they were sad.

Fresh out of the womb Mario Götze made the one and only goal for the game and it was great. 

He was great! 

Messi received the Golden Ball (teehee) for best player in the tournament. 

Neuer received the Golden Gloves for best keeper.

And I agree. 

Next post will most definitely be Hemlock Grove season 2. I swear. The world cup is over so I wont be distracted. Until then. 

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Germany vs Argentina part 2

So 2nd half and they have (both teams but especially Argentina) been killing themselves to get a goal. 

So many dives. So many yellow cards, I'm looking at you Mascherano, you should have gotten a lot more than you did. 

Higuaín took a German to the head and is out.

Not because of the injury but because he was slacking. 

Time is up but going into extra time I am really hoping this doesn't end up like Argentina vs Netherlands. Winning based off of penalty kicks is not as exciting as regular play. 

I had high hopes for this game. Argentina is so good defensively. They barely give one inch of space and have been making it impossible for Germany to get a goal in. Germany on the other hand, are powerhouse players. They dominate the field and play a huge numbers game. To them more attempts on goal equal more goals. 

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Germany vs Argentina

I know I said I was going to start Hemlock Grove season 2 today and I will, later. The final game of the World Cup is happening right now and I can't say no to hot men running around in shorts. 

I am rooting for Germany. I'm not German, my preference is based entirely on what team is more attractive. 

Argentina does have Ezequiel Lavezzi

But Germany has André Schürrle

But if goals were made by good looks, Italy would have won this without even having to leave their country. 

YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

1st half is done and no one has scored yet. We've been close a few times. 

Higuaín and Höwedes both almost scored but were both offsides. 

Kramer was taken off the field 15 minutes after he took a good looking Argentinean shoulder to the head.

Germany has way more attempts on goal than Argentina. That's how they won against Brazil so it seems to be a good strategy. 

With the 2nd half starting, here's hoping a goal is scored. By Germany. But if I'm wishing, Imma wish for Germany to win. 

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Hemlock Grove Season 1 recap

So to start my blog off I will be reviewing the 2nd season of Hemlock Grove. I figure why not start off with a show that has literally just dropped its 2nd season 2 days ago. 

Hemlock Grove is such a weird show and going off the preview for the 2nd season it seems like it's not gonna get any better. I am hoping that, at the very least, questions that were raised in season 1 will be answered. It seems unlikely that they will though; I feel like Eli Roth and Co. just want to keep us in the dark, buried in blood, weirdness and Famke Janssens ever fluctuating accent. 

So season one starts off with two teenaged girls getting straight up murdered. The high school rumor mill immediately decide that the new kid, Peter (played by Declan from Degrassi: TNG,) who happens to be a gypsy and a werewolf, must have done it. He teams up with Eric Jr. (played by Alexander Skarsgard's younger brother) to solve the murders, because if they show isn't SVU, murders just ain't getting solved.  

Famke Janssen and her accent play Eric Jr.s mother, a vampire from the old country. Her tail got cut off and that is somehow how vampires are made. I don't know. Famke is in love with her brother in law and used her vampire powers of mind control to make Eric Jr. have sex with his cousin, resulting in her pregnancy.

I. Don't. Know. 

Famke has another child, the only saving grace in the entire show, a daughter named Shelley. Something happened to Shelley when she was a baby and thanks to a highly unethical doctor, she is infused with the DNA of a glowworm. She is also freakishly giant and beautifully weird looking. 

Shelley is the best and they way Declan and Eric Jr. interact with her make me like them. And they have nothing going for them. I mean at one point Eric Jr. raped a girl and made her to forget using his vampire powers. 

So at the end of the season Preggo cousin has her vampire baby. And if TwilightNewMoonEclipseBreakingDawn is any indicator, humans having vampire babies is no bueno.

She dies.

But maybe not because she had her baby in a biomedical facility and unethical doctor was there. The baby was saved though. That much we know is true. 

Shelley was chased out of town because everyone thought she was responsible for the killings.

Declan left town because he was sad that Preggo cousin died. They were dating in a completely unnecessary storyline.

Eric Jr. was sad that he lost his best friend, cousin and sister all in one day. Oh, yeah he also used his vamp powers on himself, in a mirror, to forget that he raped his cousin or remember that he raped his cousin. I can't remember. 

The person responsible for the murders. Some crazy chick who was also a werewolf and decided to kill because they were whores. And you know, whores are bad. 

Questions I would like answered in Season 2:

How does cutting off a tail make one a vampire?

What happened to Shelley? Both in birth and in walking out of town death. 

Why did Famke want Eric Jr. to get his cousin pregnant? Surely there are easier, less creepy ways to get babies. 

Whats unethical doctors deal? What is your motivation for doing everything you did?

What is Famke Janssens accent supposed to be? British? American? Russian? A weird vampiric amalgamation of the 3? Can she just stick to 1?

Welp, I guess we will find out the answer to these burning questions as time and season 2 goes on. Be back tomorrow with my review of the first episode. 

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Mission Statement

My purpose is to review everything I take in on a (hopefully) daily basis. Books, television shows, movies, food. Everything. And let me tell you I consume a lot of pop culture related things.