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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Home for Christmas (Part 4 of 4)

Summary: Every year Dan goes to a ballet performance of the Nutcracker around Christmas (he even starts to enjoy it after a while), but what he’s really waiting for is the nights he gets to spend with one of the lead dancers after the show.

Rating: M

Word count: 5.9K (26.2K total)

[A/N] Hope you enjoy my Christmas mini-series!

<--part three

start at the beginning

On Boxing Day Dan found himself lying on his belly on Eleanor’s bed. She had just planted two mugs of tea on the bedside table and plopped down next to him in a theatrical fashion. Her phone had pinged three times in the time it had taken her to get the drinks, and from the screen lighting up each time Dan knew why she was in such a good mood.

“So, Cam, huh?”

“Hey, in my defence, you made me text him.”

“Just the once, I didn’t make you continue texting him for the next two days.”

She grinned, grabbing her phone and opening the messages, “Yeah, well, if someone talks to me, I can’t just not respond. That’d be rude.”

“It sure would be.”

He gave her a moment to respond to Cam before he said, “So, I’ve got that thing I wanted to show you.”

“Oh yeah, hit me.” Eleanor dropped her phone on the pillow next to Dan’s laptop and shuffled to lie down beside him.

Dan pulled up his Youtube channel, still sporting just the one video he’d put up a few days before. It had done surprisingly well, having garnered almost seven hundred views.

“Is that yours?” She asked. Her head perked up as she leaned in closer to the screen.

“Yeah.”

“Wow, that’s a lot of views. Can I see it?”

Quietly they watched the video, Dan mostly looking at her face to see if she was smiling. She was, most of the time.

“What do you think?”

“It’s good!” She said. She had that fond smile on her face that she got whenever Dan did something she approved of. “What now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, seven hundred views on your first video is what they call a huge success. What’s next for your channel?”

It took another three months for someone else to find out. Sat in the 24hour Costa on Oxford Road in Manchester at half two in the morning, Davis brought it up out of nowhere. The two boys had spent the whole day together already, but for some reason he’d waited till they were both tipsy in the middle of the night to mention it.

Dan’s channel was garnering a couple of thousand views per video at this point, with his most popular one set to hit the big 10K any day now. He’d even spotted the first few fan accounts on Twitter. Scrolling through those was easily strangest thing he’d ever experienced.

“It’s cool, man. Why didn’t you tell me about it?” Davis asked him, leaning back in his seat and pressing his cup to his bottom lip.

Dan shrugged, “I don’t know, I just wanted to see if it would work out first.”

“Clearly, it did. You’re funny, man, people love it.”

“Come on my channel sometime as a guest, you’re a funny guy, people would like you too.”

“Me? I’ve got nothing to offer, man.” Davis said, laughing.

“Let’s just try. Let’s go back to the flat right now and film something.”

“You brought the camera?”

“Of course I did, I wanted to vlog a little.”

“Vlog a little! Man, you’ve become like, a real youtuber. Alright, let’s go.”

Davis’ apartment in Victoria Park was a ten-minute walk from Costa, and they spent it planning a video that sounded amazing to their intoxicated minds, but that was probably subpar in reality. It didn’t matter for now, and it didn’t matter for the next two hours that found them sat on Davis’ bedroom floor with a camera clumsily set on a shelf, books thrown out onto the desk to make room.

At four in the morning one of his flatmates banged on the wall between their rooms and told them to “shut the fuck up already”, which just had them laughing harder and staying up for another hour.

Davis spun in circles on his desk chair, fostering an Old Mout cider held to his bottom lip, as he always did when he had a drink, “you didn’t even give him your phone number?”

“No, man, but he’s got it now.”

“Have you spoken to him since Christmas then?”

“No.”

“He hasn’t messaged you at all?”

“No.”

“And you haven’t messaged him?”

“No.”

“Mate, that’s fucking stupid.”

If Dan needed encouraging words, he’d go to Eleanor. If he needed a strong dose of reality, Davis was the person to come to. “Stop judging me, I’m doing my best.”

“The fuck do you mean ‘you’re doing your best’? You’re not doing anything. What you need-” He stopped spinning on the chair, leaning towards his friend on the bed and pointing the cider bottle at him, “-is a foot up your ass.” A beat of silence. “Not in a kinky way, but in a ‘get some confidence’ way.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Dan let himself fall back onto the pillow. “I just don’t want to break our agreement.”

“What bloody agreement? Did you talk about this? Explicitly state that no contact may be sought outside of office hours? Fuck off.”

Dan groaned loudly in response.

His stupid video with Davis, that he had hesitated to even upload, got to ten thousand views before his other most popular video did. A good bit of proof that Dan had no idea what the fuck he was doing with this whole YouTube thing, and he had no idea how to ‘grow’ his channel. More and more fan accounts were popping up on Twitter, and he’d seen a couple shouts that his Twitter should be verified. Which was ridiculous.

Once his videos started hitting ten thousand views, he started getting more and more collab requests, both from bigger and smaller channels. Eventually, he accepted one after long deliberation. Eleanor had helped him, sorting through the online history of a couple of contenders to make sure they hadn’t said offensive things or held stupid opinions. The girl they eventually chose ran a channel with mostly storytimes and sketches, which fit into Dan’s storytimes and tags. They settled on doing a storytime tag on his channel and a sketch on hers: hopefully enough of a compromise between the two types of content to get some viewers to cross over.

Florence was high-energy, with a sarcastic sense of humour and a love for loud music. She reminded Dan of his secondary school self, when he’d been more outgoing and popular, whereas now he had a handful of good friends and was perfectly content spending his evenings in bed. His dark sarcasm had made room for good-natured banter and a self-deprecating joke here and there, which he saw as an improvement. Florence could pull it off though, having perfected a couple of iconic facial expressions to accompany her jokes.

In late May Dan’s fingers started itching to Google again.

It had been in the back of his mind since he’d found out Phil’s last name but coming up on the midway point between last having seen him and seeing him again the dancer was making his way to the foreground of his brain.

Phil Lester.

He played with the idea for a week or so before deciding that fuck it- he might as well. Phil would never need to know. He’d held off on it for a whole year the year before, and now he just made the decision like that in a week. He couldn’t stop himself; Phil was the only thing he could think about.

He hesitated for one more second, his finger hovering over the ‘enter’ key. Then he pressed it.

There we more results than he’d expected. Lists of links to biographies on ticket websites, videos of performances, and his ballet company’s YouTube channel. Feeling at home on the website, Dan clicked the latter.

He was taken to a page with mostly vlogs. There were three teams in Phil’s company apparently, and one girl on each team made weekly vlogs when they were touring or competing. Dan found out quickly enough that Phil was coaching the first team, catching him walking by in the background and once even fully the main act as he demonstrated a few dance moves. He looked angelic.

It was hard not to watch every first team vlog that was uploaded after that, and so Dan gave up on trying fairly quickly.

Over the Summer, some guys from work found his channel. They tried to make fun of him for a bit, but it was difficult to do when Dan was zero-ing in on 75.000 subscribers. Dan didn’t mind their teasing too much; they had been bound to find out soon, as he’d been invited to Summer in the City, a YouTube event in London, and he needed a couple days off work to go.

Eleanor was coming with him; she’d take a tube straight to ExCeL after her placement ended on Friday and meet him there.

Dan couldn’t help but feel lost walking in on his own. He had a backstage access laminate around his neck, and so he spent his first hour on site sat in the backstage lounge, trying to build up the courage to go out. He was simultaneously terrified that no one would know him, and that someone would. He’d been recognised in public twice now, and both times he felt awkward and out of place, and like he was tricking people into thinking he was cooler than he really was.

The fact that Florence, Kai and Sam, all people he’d collaborated and become friends with, were all there calmed him down a little. He knew Kai was supposed to have a merch stand, so he figured that would be a good first place to go. It was, coincidentally, also where he found Sam. The two of them were taking pictures of fans, and the girl who was just about to lift her arm for the selfie spotted him and made a sound that could only be described as a squeal. He was quickly pulled into frame, Sam’s arm tightly around his waist. From there on, things spiralled. In a positive sense of the word.

The afternoon flew by and after a quick bite to eat from a curry place around the corner from the convention hall they met up with Eleanor, who’d just come running in from the DLR. She’d met Florence and Kai before and got on with them, but it was Sam with whom she eventually ended up walking ahead, chatting like old friends.

Although he was sure he’d looked the exact same the first time he’d got recognised, he was still wholly amused watching on when two girls stopped Eleanor for a picture, recognising her from Dan’s videos. They were delighted when Dan turned out to be a few steps behind her, and they ended up taking a big group picture.

Dan was booked on one panel and he had a one hour Meet and Greet on Sunday, but he spent the rest of the weekend by Kai’s merch table and meeting people on the main floor. The panel was terrifying, as he’d expected, but the presenter asked him a couple of direct questions to make sure he got to speak, and overall Dan was content enough just listening to the others.

His hour-long slot on Sunday was fully booked, and he’d been told most of the people attending his Meet and Greet had him as their first or second choice.

It was weird to spend an hour with so many people who kept telling him how much they loved him and how he always made them smile after a bad day. He tried his best to give them all a little personal moment, a good conversation or a nice compliment, but it was difficult to do with one of the SITC volunteers stood on the other side of the table ushering them along.

Eleanor was with them, taking phones off the fans to take pictures.

After SITC things went even faster. Before he knew it, Dan hit a hundred thousand subs, and then a hundred and fifty thousand. During Dan and Eleanor’s November trip to Sweden he was close to two hundred thousand, getting recognised four times during the week.

Now that he was getting ad deals and making money off YouTube, it was becoming harder and harder for him to justify staying in London with his parents when he could move up north to be closer to Eleanor, who’d taken on a manager role. His job was getting in the way of little projects he wanted to set up and meetings with sponsoring companies he wanted to attend.

And so, in early December, Dan’s parents hired a truck and the three of them drove up to Manchester. He’d considered York, where El lived, but eventually decided against it because his heart lay in Manchester and York wasn’t that far away. Plus, all his friends from uni, like Davis, were still in Manchester and being able to spend more time with another one of his best friends didn't sound all that bad either

It was his first time living completely on his own, and he had to admit he missed his mum playing piano on weekend, Davis stumbling into his room drunk in the middle of the night, and just having someone to say good morning to.

Eleanor stayed with him the first weekend, helping him sort through boxes while attempting to write an essay somewhere along the way. By the end of it, the apartment looked halfway decent, and there was at least one corner for him to film videos in without it looking like he was squatting in an abandoned building.

He continued to see Eleanor every single weekend -something he’d missed dearly since she’d gone back to uni after Summer- and she started reaching out to youtubers up north for Dan to collab with. Dan, however, was not really with it anymore. The moment the calendar started showing December his mind was set on the 23rd.

“When are you going home for Christmas?” Eleanor asked him one morning while they were lying in his double bed together, barely awake.

“Hm? What date is today?”

“The twentieth.”

“Oh, shit. Soon then, I guess.”

“Should I get tickets for the show?”

“I already got them a couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh, really? Looking forward to it that much, huh?”

Dan grinned, “Did you expect any different?” He hesitated, “We’ve had each other’s numbers all year and didn’t text. I don’t know, maybe this year will be different. Maybe he’s decided he doesn’t want me anymore.”

“Did you decide that?”

“No, why would I?”

“Well, you didn’t text him either.”

“I’m afraid he doesn’t want me to.”

“Have you stopped to consider the possibility that maybe that’s why he doesn’t text you?”

“No.” Dan said, almost laughing at himself.

“See, it’ll all be fine. If he’s around all of Christmas Eve again, you can cancel Christmas crafts, if you want.”

“Oh, but I don’t want.” He said, poking her side.

She laughed and moved aside in an attempt to dodge his hand, “Sometimes you’ve got to sacrifice things for love.”

“I’d never sacrifice my family though.”

They went home the next day, Dan covering their expensive train tickets with money he’d just received from a company he’d done an ad on his Instagram for. His mum was happy to see him, squeezing him tightly when she picked the two of them up from the train station. She was his channel’s first and biggest fan.

He took her out for an expensive afternoon tea the next day; the kind of thing he’d always wanted to do for her but never had the money to. She was delighted, revelling in everything from the silver cutlery to the fancy little white wrappers the pieces of cake came in. Dan, in turn, revelled in her happiness. It was a good feeling to get to do something back, even if nothing would ever repay her for all she’d done for him.

The previous year’s fancy dress-up had been successful, so once again Dan was wearing a white button-down and a tie to the ballet performance. Eleanor was radiant next to him, and he gladly let her steal the spotlight in a gorgeous long black dress.

Dan hadn’t seen her all day, as the ballet company had arrived that morning and she had gone straight to their hotel to see Cam. It would’ve bothered him to have had to spend the whole day without her, but mid-afternoon she messaged him that she had spotted Phil, so he was definitely there. Multiple times over the past few weeks she had told him she could ask Cam if Phil was coming, but every time he’d turned it down. He didn’t want Phil finding out that he cared- that this mattered more to him than an annual one-night-stand should.

They got drinks at the bar and went straight up to the balcony. Their spot.

Beside him, Eleanor grumbled about Cam not messaging her back and Dan tried to reassure her that he was probably just busy with dancer things. He had one of the lead roles, after all.

He himself was mostly just waiting for it to be over. The ballet was nice, sure, but it wasn’t what he was there for. His eyes kept scanning the curtains that moved occasionally as set was being moved around behind them. He hadn’t spotted a single one of the ballet dancers or crew, but he still couldn’t tear his eyes away.

It was a bit inconvenient to be falling in love with someone he only saw once a year.

After religiously watching the first team’s vlogs every week, Dan now recognised everyone on stage, despite how far away they were and how quickly they were moving past. Cam, who featured in the vlogs fairly frequently, was radiant front and centre, and from the corner of his eye Dan saw that Eleanor couldn’t tear her gaze away from him.

He wasn’t surprised by Phil’s new hairstyle when he finally spotted him walking towards them after the show: he’d seen the girls from the company tease him about it plenty in videos. “Hey.”

To his surprise, Phil went in for a quick hug, “Hey, Dan. It’s been a while.”

“As always.” Dan grinned.

“You ready to head back?”

“Yeah. Are we walking?”

“Let’s take an Uber.”

They walked out together, comfortably hand in hand. In moments like these it was almost hard to imagine that things weren’t always like this. That they weren’t actually the couple outsiders would take them for if they saw them now.

“Good show.” Dan said when they’d settled into the car. He was racking his brain for something to say or ask that didn’t relate to the vlogs somehow.

“Thanks. We had a whole new set of people in the lead roles, so it was a feat to kick them all into excellence in time for the tour.”

Dan knew that. “Oh yeah, with Cam, right?”

“Yeah,” Phil said, “he’s like dating your friend Eleanor, right? Have you met him?”

“A couple of times, kind of.”

There was a weird awkwardness in the air that they weren’t used to. Words weren’t coming to them by themselves and silences felt heavy, as though something significant had changed. Which it had, but Phil didn’t know that.

Phil had a room to himself again. One that mirrored last year’s almost perfectly.

“Can I…” Phil sighed, sitting down on the side of the bed, changing his mind and getting up again. Dan raised his eyebrows at him. “I have to tell you something before we do anything else. I wouldn’t feel right otherwise.”

A small pool of rocks gathered deep in Dan’s stomach, weighing him down until he felt he might sink through the floor. “Okay.” He said, his voice barely more than a whisper. Phil was avoiding his eyes, keeping his own trained on the floor as he talked, “Some girls from my team found your YouTube channel in September. I’ve been watching your videos. I’m sorry, I know we weren’t supposed to, like, find out stuff about each other’s lives.”

Dan wasn’t sure what to with himself for a second. All he could do was break into a smile and run a hand through his hair in pure relief.

“Dan?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. I broke our pact too, I watched your company’s vlogs.”

Now they were both laughing. Two dumb boys who had made an agreement neither of them wanted.

“God, I’ve been so annoyed with myself over this, but I couldn’t stop myself.” Phil said when they’d calmed down a little.

“Same, I’ve been feeling so guilty.”

For a moment they were just looking at each other, an unspoken truth hanging in the air between them, and then they were kissing. And Dan felt like he was finally falling back into place.

Phil’s fingers tangled in his hair briefly, quickly moving on to his chest and sides, tugging on his shirt. He managed to get it off him somehow while they tumbled to the bed, and it had gone on the floor by the time they fell onto the mattress.

Dan was eager to get Phil’s shirt off too, having waited a whole year to see that beautiful body again.

They both still looked the same, but so different. In normal relationships you didn’t get to see the other change, as they were changing right before your eyes, but Dan got to see Phil’s eyes get a bit older, his face more mature, every time he saw him. His body was still pale and toned under his shirt though, a testament to his hard work.

Clothing came off fast, both boys on a high of relief after putting their confessions out in the open. Dan knew his way around a dick by now, putting his hand on Phil’s with confidence and moving up and down a few times.

“Lube?” Phil asked, breathlessly.

“Yeah, please.”

It was ready on the nightstand, underneath a neatly folded T shirt. Next to it lay a condom.

Dan spread some lube on his fingers to warm it up before moving to apply it to Phil’s cock. He still hissed when it made contact with his skin. “Sorry.” Dan grinned.

Phil grabbed the bottle, squeezing some lube onto his own hand and rubbing it around half-heartedly before putting it on Dan. “Sorry.” He said with the same smug look on his face when Dan made a startled sound.

For a minute or so, their hands moved in unison, mouths alternating between being occupied with each other and moving down to kiss exposed skin on necks and chests. Phil’s laboured breathing was sending shivers down Dan’s spine.

“I miss this during the year.” Phil said softly, more to himself than Dan. The latter wasn’t sure whether to answer, his mind too foggy to try and think of a response anyway. Phil’s lips started moving down his chest, letting go off Dan’s cock to play along his thighs as he trailed. When he got down far enough he put a hand on his hip and pushed Dan flat onto his back on the bed to give himself a better angle.

Dan let his head rest back against the pillow when he felt Phil’s breath ghost over him. For one more moment he was refused the pleasure he craved as Phil uttered the words, “Should’ve gotten flavoured lube.” Then he moved his head down and Dan lost the ability to form coherent thoughts.

It was the combination of the blowjob and the fact that every now and again he could feel Phil’s erection brush against his leg that had his head spinning. A string of soft noises was escaping his throat, but he did nothing to stop it. Didn’t have the willpower to.

When Phil finally raised his head and plopped down on his side next to him, Dan was a bit of a blubbering mess. With a grin on his face, Phil gave him time to recover.

“Fuck.” Was the first thing he managed to say.

“You okay?” Phil laughed.

“More than okay, yeah.”

“I uh- I got a condom, in case you wanted it.”

“Yes please.”

Phil grabbed the lube off the bedside table and settled in between Dan’s legs, starting the process that Dan knew would drive him out of his mind with impatience. He stared up at the ceiling, knowing that looking at Phil’s lean frame so close to where he wanted him would only make the wait worse.

“You sure you want this?” Phil asked.

“Yes, don’t take this as fear or, like, displeasure with the situation or anything. I just want this to hurry along so we can get to the good part.”

Phil laughed, “Okay, okay. I’ll try and make it as quick as possible, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

His fingers gave Dan some sort of relief, but not nearly to the extent that he wanted it. His leaning down and pressing kisses to his chest and belly made him groan in desperation. Phil moved teasingly slow.

After what felt like ages he finally retreated his fingers, and Dan heard him open the condom wrapper.

“Ready?”

“Was ready twenty minutes ago, yeah.”

Phil swatted his thigh and laughed, “Shut up. If I’d tried this right away twenty minutes ago your soul would’ve left your body.”

Dan’s attempt at a cocky response was sabotaged by Phil starting to press against him. The stretch was a big leap from his fingers, but Dan tried to relax and bear it, knowing how good it would feel once Phil bottomed out and started moving. He was sure his nails must be digging into the dancer’s hips, but neither of them seemed to care all that much.

Again, Phil started much slower than Dan wanted him to. The latter tried to urge him on, pulling him in with his legs and impatiently tapping his fingers against his sides, but Phil didn’t let it get to him. “Give it some time.”

“I don’t have time.”

Phil lost himself to it rather quickly, giving up on his slow build-up and establishing a rhythm that made both of them close their eyes and forget everything else. Dan tried to focus on the feeling of being filled up and the sounds Phil was making; soft moans and grunts escaped him with every thrust.

Somewhere along the way Phil’s nimble fingers wrapped around his cock and started moving in time with his hips. He held him loosely, making sure not to give him so much stimulation that it would get him off too soon, but it was enough for Dan to desperately grab at Phil’s back and run his nails over the soft skin there.

“I’m getting close.” Phil breathed. His hand tightened, and it had Dan coming onto his stomach after only a few strokes. He felt Phil follow by the way his hips stuttered and his hand movements became a conscious effort.

After Phil stopped moving they stayed in the same position, still and with the sound of their breathing the only signs of living in the room, for a few moments. Then he pulled out and Dan flinched, one eye squeezed shut against the discomfort. “Sorry.” Phil whispered. And this time he meant it.

Dan fell asleep with his head against Phil’s chest while they were watching Love Actually. It was one of his mum’s favourite films, and he’d watched it pretty much every single Christmas since it had come out, so it wasn’t as though he was missing out.

When he woke up, the TV had gone into standby mode and Phil’s head was resting on his. The boy’s breathing was steady and even, with the warm air brushing against Dan’s hair with every exhale. Carefully, he reangled him to rest against the pillows and snuck out to the bathroom.

It was nearing six am, and he was wide awake. Phil had shifted slightly when Dan walked back in, but he was still fast asleep. Dan crawled back under the covers, trying to cosy up against the other boy with his back turned so he could scroll through social media on his phone while he waited for him to wake up. Eleanor had messaged him the night before: a quick ‘have fun’ with a winking emoji.

He grinned to himself as he typed a response to ask her if she had had fun. She and Cam had been together officially for about eight months now, and a night in a chic hotel where no one could hear what they did in their room was bound to be fun for them, as they were used to either sleeping in El’s flat in York, or Cam’s parents’ place in Sheffield.

Sheffield.

Dan glanced over his shoulder at the sleeping boy behind him.

He’d never explicitly asked or been told, but it was fair to assume that Phil lived in or near Sheffield too, which was a weird thing to know. To be fair, Phil knew that he’d watched the company’s YouTube videos now and thus knew that it was based in Sheffield, and Dan had said in his own videos that he lived in London and had just moved to Manchester, so Phil was bound to know.

Phil woke up shortly after, cranky and disoriented. He looked better when he came back from the bathroom. More awake. “Let’s go for a walk.” He suggested. His voice was quiet but determined.

“A walk to where?” Dan asked, pulling the covers up to his chin.

“Just around. It’s Christmas Eve, the city is beautifully decorated, and it’s going to be quiet at this hour.”

Dan was about to protest, but then realised that he was awake anyway and there was no way he was going back to sleep. He climbed out of bed and started getting dressed, not sure why he was suddenly looking forward to walking.

He quickly remembered why when they left the hotel room; Phil grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly. That was why.

It was still dark out, and really, really fucking cold. In true England fashion it was drizzling a little, and the streets were wet. Dan had to put his collar up against the harsh wind and squeeze his eyes half-shut, barely seeing anything through them.

But Phil’s hand was holding onto his and every time he looked over to the boy next to him it was worth it. When they got closer to the city centre and the number of Christmas decorations started growing exponentially, Dan forgot about the shitty weather and the fact that it was seven in the morning; the world was a gorgeous place. He was happy.

They got back around nine and went straight to the breakfast buffet. Cold hands clasped around hot cups of tea, faces red but grinning with satisfaction. They’d spend the whole walk having one of those long conversations about nothing and everything, where by the end of it you have no idea what you talked about, but you do know that you enjoyed it. Two hours of holding Phil’s hand and Dan still couldn’t stop himself from reaching for it again the moment they sat down.

Both Eleanor and Dan interrupted the day with their respective dancer to go hang out with Dan’s mum. They were both twenty at this point, but they would never be too old to cut snowflakes out of white paper and mould clay snowmen with Karen Howell. She’d made gingerbread biscuits for the occasion and pulled up something on Pinterest that she wanted to try and make. The two adolescents at the table threw themselves into it with full conviction.

Dan still had Phil’s number from the year before, so when he was getting close to the hotel he sent the boy a text. Phil was waiting for him in the lobby when he came in, still in sweatpants and a hoodie, to take him back up to his room. “How was your afternoon?”

“Good,” Dan said, rubbing his hands together to get his blood flowing again, “my mum had us building little houses with snow on them and a Christmas tree outside.”

Phil laughed, “How did that go?”

“Very well. I’ll show you a picture.” He let Phil hold him by the arm to lead him to the hotel room as he scrolled through his gallery to find the best photo. “Here.” He said just as Phil was swiping the card through the lock to open the door.

“That’s surprisingly good.”

“First off, I’m offended you didn’t believe me when I told you it was good. Would I lie?”

“Of course not, I just didn’t think you’d be this great.”

“Ha-ha, alright. Cool it.” He playfully gave Phil a shove and was immediately dragged onto the bed and into a wrestling fight. Dan couldn’t remember the last time he’d done any strength training, so he was no match for a professional ballet dancer, but he could always play dirty. His fingers dug into Phil’s sides, making him squeal and roll away, giving Dan room to climb on top of him and reverse the roles.

“You forget that I’ve been trained to lift people.” Phil grunted before trying to push Dan off him.

“You forget that you’ve been trained to lift small girls, not six-foot-tall guys.” Dan responded, staying perfectly in place.

For a second Phil pretended to nod thoughtfully, then he went in and his tickling fingers roamed Dan’s torso, making them roll over and become a mess of limbs trying to grab a hold of one another.

They didn’t stop until Dan almost tumbled off the bed in an attempt to get away from Phil’s hands, and the latter only just managed to grab him by the arm and keep him in place. Panting, they lay beside each other on their backs, staring up at the ceiling as they caught their breath.

Dan kept stealing glances at the dancer next to him. The beautiful boy who put his tongue between his teeth when he laughed and who always had a little smile playing around his lips when he listened to Dan ramble. “Hey, Phil?”

“What’s up?”

“Can I be honest for a second?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m kind of over this.”

Phil turned his head to face him, “What do you mean?”

“Our arrangement. It’s not working for me anymore.” Phil opened his mouth to respond, clearly not sure what words he actually wanted to form, “I don’t want to have to wait until Christmas to see you. I want to see you in the spring and the summer and autumn and then winter, too. I want all the seasons and all the holidays.”

With every word he said, the smile on Phil’s face grew bigger, “Yeah, I’d like that, too. To be honest, every time I first see you at the performance I already start dreading the moment I’ll have to say goodbye again.”

“Let’s not say goodbye anymore, then.” Dan whispered. He grabbed Phil by the front of his hoodie and pulled him in, pressing their lips together.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #phan smut #phan au #ballet au #nutcracker au

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Home for Christmas (Part 3 of 4)

Rating: M

Word count: 7.3K (20.3K total so far)

[A/N] Hope you enjoy my Christmas mini-series!

<-- part two

Start at the beginning

As the new year crawled by Dan found himself tempted to google Phil’s name more and more with each passing day.

When university started back up after Christmas break and he found himself surrounded by the people who had to get used to seeing him without Rosie he caught himself just before pressing enter multiple times, erasing the words he’d typed and turning off his phone screen before he could change his mind again. He tried to avoid running into her, sometimes going as far as skipping dinner because she was sat in the kitchen, until he no longer felt his phone burning in his pocket watching her tending to her pans at the stove. Until he no longer had the pressing urge to get out of town every chance he got, visiting Eleanor on the weekly.

Final exams rolled in way too fast and left him feeling wholly unprepared. No matter how many study dates and trips to the library he set up, it never seemed to be enough. Law books were big and heavy, pulling on him with every step that brought him closer to the exam halls. Eleanor, whose exams didn’t start until the day after his, stayed with him and made him a full fry for breakfast the morning before his first test. It was her way of trying to offer her support when she knew that as a neurosciences student she was completely useless when it came to helping him study.

Although he liked to think he was fully over Rosie by May, it still gave him some sort of satisfaction when Eleanor gave a resolute “yes” to his ex’s polite “you alright?” as they sat at the kitchen table.

He wondered how she would greet Phil if she knew the ins and outs of their agreement. His phone lit up, signalling a new Snap from Davis.

Summer was a gift from god.

After missing their November weekend together Dan and Eleanor spent a whole week exploring Rome in early August, completely avoiding the topics of love lives and university and focusing on sunshine and gelato and the ancient history they were walking around in on their flipflops. They held hands the way they’d done in primary school, before they hit puberty and girls and boys weren’t supposed to do that kind of stuff anymore. Before they cared about what anyone thought of their relationship.

Dan neglected to mention to her that on the last night, when she went to the bathroom as they were having a couple of drinks at the hotel bar, an Irish boy slipped him a napkin with a string of numbers on it accompanied by the words, “if you’re not interested feel free to bin this, but otherwise, text me”. Dan shoved it in his pocket, where it stayed until he got back to his parents’ house in London and he unpacked his suitcase. He stood with the paper in his hand for a minute or so, and then another few minutes staring at the new contact in his phone.

Sat cross-legged on the bed he carefully crafted a message. As he was typing it took everything from his willpower not to close the app and go to google. To just type in that one name that he’d put into that bar so many times before. Instead, he resolutely tapped the ‘send’ button and then proceeded to put his phone under his pillow to leave it there for the next couple of hours.

When Nicholas replied he was almost surprised. They spent the next couple of weeks texting and although Dan had initially been sceptical, the more he learnt about Nick, the more he felt that there might be something and he might not need to be stuck on his Christmas dates for the rest of his life.

Nick was nice. Genuinely nice. He was a good listener, made jokes at the right time, and had an intricate knowledge of all kinds of animals as he was studying to become a vet. Dan found himself looking forward to the evenings when Nick got home from placement and the two of them could Skype call before they went to bed. Long nights were spent lying on his back on the carpet, feet propped up against the side of his desk, phone tucked comfortably between his shoulder and his ear. He could hear the Irish boy smile through the phone.

He liked Nick. He really did. But when in early October he asked him that dreaded question, “so, what are we?”, Dan couldn’t stop his fight or flight response from kicking in. Unsure of whether he feared commitment to a boy or commitment to anyone at all, he broke it off.

From there on, things went downhill. Fast.

One of the boys Dan lived with dropped out, meaning they had to either find a new flatmate or a new place, and the others’ half-hearted search for a house stressed him out. University was pulling on him like a ball on a chain and the words danced before his eyes on the nights he tried to catch up with the stacks of work accumulating on his desk. Eleanor’s ugly selfies sent over snapchat were only doing so much to put a smile on his face, their effects diminishing with every day.

Two weeks after Reuben had left, Dan sent in his student withdrawal form.

Three days later, he found the courage to tell his parents, sat on Eleanor’s bed with one hand in hers and the other hand clutching the phone held to his ear. Everything was falling apart, but the one constant he could always count on was his best friend always being right by his side.

Dan moved back home hesitantly. His old bedroom felt too small for him and his hometown was full of eyes watching him, knowing he didn’t belong there anymore.

What did he actually want to do with his life? He had no idea, really. His new job at an electronics shop was not it though, that was for damn sure. It had him drifting through the days, every week feeling like the last, endless and exhausting. To pass the time he messed around with the products when he got bored, feeling professional when he pressed buttons on the DJ sets knowing what they did, and adjusting camera lenses with expert eyes. In those moments he felt for a moment like he was on the right path, just not knowing where it would lead him yet.

In mid-December Dan used his first wages to buy one of those fancy cameras. He spent hours in his bedroom sat cross-legged on the floor adjusting settings and filming little test videos, the reality of his world forgotten for a precious while.

Four days before Christmas Dan planted the camera up on one of his book shelves, fixed his hair in the mirror for exactly two minutes longer than necessary, and then pressed the record button.

He filmed his first video in one go, with rambling tangents and awkward pauses to edit out later, which he did the day after, when he got home from work. He was tired. After a nine-hour day the last thing his eyes wanted to do was focus deeply on something for another couple of hours. One by one his family members went to bed, the sounds of their bedroom doors closing reaching Dan even through his headphones. In the morning, when his alarm would go off at half seven again, he’d hate himself for this, but that felt well worth it when he clicked ‘upload’ and watched the bar load up to a 100%. It was two in the morning when his first ever YouTube video went live.

Dan and Eleanor had bought tickets for the ballet in early December almost out of habit. There had been no discussing it, just Eleanor asking if he’d already bought them or if she should. On the day before Christmas Eve she picked him up in her car, blasting Mariah Carey so loud Dan could hear it the moment he stepped out the front door. She was wearing a beautiful silver dress and had her hair braided back so her elegant hoop earrings were clearly visible. He complimented her as he plopped down in the passenger seat of her Volkswagen.

He tried to play it cool, but it was difficult to do so when he’d been looking forward to this night for months. It felt on the verge of pathetic, but his monotonous job left him with plenty of headspace to contemplate all that could happen and might be in the future. He’d lived this day and the next dozens of times over in his head stood behind the counter smiling artificially at customers as he rang up their purchases.

They knew their way around the theatre by now. They knew where to find the coat room, and the fact that it cost 50p per coat, and they knew the quickest route up to the balcony and the toilet closest to it. Dan ran his hands over the balustrade as they walked to their spots. The place was still fully lit, giving him a view of the seats and the stage below. Two little girls were on stage in front of the curtains, doing pirouettes and falling out of them with big grins decorating their little faces. He stood and watched them for a moment, until he felt Eleanor demonstratively lean over the railing next to him. “You excited?” She asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” He said without tearing his gaze away from the kids.

“Have you spoken to him at all since last year?”

Dan shook his head, “I don’t even have his number. I don’t know his last name or anything.”

“Really? I thought you had a somewhat regulated plan.”

“If we’re both single by Christmas, we spend the night together. That’s it, that’s the whole plan.”

She laughed, “You’re a bit of a disaster, Dan.”

“I know.” He said. He sighed deeply, leaning further down until his chin came to rest on his hands. “I’ve given up trying to sort this out, I’m just along for the ride now.”

She didn’t respond, but without needing to look over Dan knew she was rolling her eyes at him.

They watched the girls dance until they were ushered off the stage and the lights started to dim. The hall had filled up quite a bit since they’d turned their back on the balcony, and they had to shuffle past grumbly chic people annoyed they had to move their legs to let them past. It was Dan and El’s third year. They were used to the rich people by now.

The lead dancers had all changed. He recognised the previous lead as one of the background dancers, along with a couple of others who’d had big roles the years before. Phil was nowhere to be found. Dan had a heavy feeling in his stomach as he watched them float across the stage. Eleanor noticed too, taking her best friend’s hand in hers and squeezing it tightly. They exchanged a short glance, but Dan couldn’t bear looking her in the eyes for too long, too embarrassed about his situation and the hope he’d displayed before the show. She knew he’d been excited for their meeting and Phil’s not being there made him feel ashamed, naive almost. His eyes absentmindedly followed the ballerinas, not really taking anything in.

Eleanor kept a firm grip on his hand, pulling him downstairs to the bar and pushing a glass of champagne into his hand. She wasn’t sure what to say either, clearly. Dan could see the radars in her head spin as she tried to come up with a way to comfort him.

“Dan?”

He saw Eleanor’s eyes light up before he turned and faced the person who’d said his name.

Phil was wearing slacks and a button-down shirt, his hair neatly swept to one side. He looked older, more mature. Dan was glad Eleanor had made him dress up that year, so he knew he looked good. He subconsciously reached up and tugged on his tie a bit as he looked the dancer up and down.

“It’s good to see you.” He managed to say.

“You too.” Phil said.

“I thought you might not be here this year.”

“I’m not on the team anymore. Not as a dancer, at least. I’ve taken up that coaching position like I told you I might last year, I’m assistant coach now.”

“Wow, congratulations.”

Phil laughed, “It’s not that spectacular, I’m not sure if it deserves congratulations.”

“Well, you’ve done better for yourself than I have.” Dan said. It was out there before he could stop himself, and the moment he’d said it he was afraid he’d enclosed too much information about his personal life.

“You can tell me all about it after the show,” Phil said, “I have to get back to the team now. I was just coming to say hi and make sure you knew I was here. Backdoor?”

“Yep, see you there.”

“Perfect.”

He watched Phil leave before turning around to face Eleanor, who had a smug look on her face. “See, it’s all fine.” She said.

“You say that now, but you were afraid he wouldn’t be here too.”

“Maybe.” She admitted. She touched her champagne glass to his, “Cheers to another fun night for you.”

“And cheers for hopefully one for you. You deserve one.”

He meant it. After Nicola cheated on her six months into their relationship she’d stayed away from boys for a while, but a week earlier she’d said she might try and pull on the 23rd of December, for the first time in months. He watched her eye a guy standing behind them as she nodded and took a sip of her drink. “I sure do.”

Dan couldn’t help but break into a smile when he watched Phil approach. He was stopped a few times along the way to shake hands and receive pats on the shoulder, but eventually he made it over and to Dan’s surprise he leaned in and kissed him right in front of everyone. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, can you just leave?”

Phil nodded. “Let’s walk.”

The moment they stepped out into the cold Dan glanced over to see if Phil would change his mind about walking, but he didn’t. They both put up the collars on their coats and bowed their heads against the wind. Dan had his hands shoved deep into his pockets until he felt Phil’s fingers brush against his wrist. Wordlessly, their fingers intertwined and fell between their two bodies.

“It was a good performance.” Dan said eventually.

He saw Phil nod from the corner of his eye, “They trained their little hearts out. The lead got sick three days ago, so this was the understudy performing. She’d never had this big a role before and was so nervous, bless her.” He smiled to himself.

“When did you start coaching?”

“With the start of the new schoolyear, this September. I still dance too, just not on this team anymore. I’ve stopped competing too, I’m just doing it for fun on the side now.”

“That must’ve been a transition.”

“Yeah, I struggled with it a bit. Still do, really. I miss it, but I know this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing.”

Dan stayed quiet. His mind drifted to his own situation, how he was far from where he needed to be. He bit his lip, face numb with the cold.

Phil squeezed his hand. The only comfort he could offer without asking too much about his life outside of their Christmas dates.

The hotel was a twenty-minute walk from the theatre, and when they finally stepped into the lobby Dan’s whole body started stinging as the warmth from inside hit him. Next to him, Phil rubbed his hands together and blew on them. His cheeks were bright red, shimmering in the bright lights. Dan couldn’t help remarking in his mind that he looked cute and kissable.

They took the lift up. Hand-in-hand once again, eyes shyly meeting through their reflections in the mirror. The third time and still it felt new and exciting.

There was only one big, king-sized bed in the room this year. Phil’s suitcase was on the floor by the desk with a couple of items strewn over the chair.

“So, I have a suggestion. You can say no if you want.”

“Okay.” Dan said, raising his eyebrows.

“I brought a really nice bath bomb. From Lush. The bath is fairly spacious.”

“Yes?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Phil grabbed him by his tie and pulled him in, their lips touching together gently.

They got undressed as the bath ran in the other room. Phil was still as toned and gorgeous as he had been the years before and Dan’s fingers itched to reach out and touch him. He had to have patience. Soon enough, they’d be bunched up in the bath, with no other choice but to touch each other.

The bath bomb fizzed and coloured the water a pale, glittery blue. Phil lined up the little hotel shampoos and soaps on the side, his muscles flexing under his taut skin as he moved. Dan’s eyes were glued to him, mesmerised.

“You good?”

“Yeah.”

Phil got in first, settling in comfortably before beckoning Dan over. The latter was hesitant, trying to be elegant about it and almost slipping in the process. A small tidal wave splashed over the side of the bath as he steadied himself on the tap. Phil laughed. He was relaxed, with his head resting against the wall and his arms stretched out over the sides of the bath. The hot water made Dan want to relax, but the situation was so foreign and new to him that he was struggling to keep his composure altogether and was happy enough when he finally settled down with his knees pulled into his chest.

The bath water being blue obscured most areas Dan was insecure about from sight, and soon enough he was relaxing his legs, stretching them out alongside Phil’s. “So, how was your year?” Phil asked.

He was good at asking those questions that could be answered by pretty much anything, leaving the decision as to where to draw the line with Dan once again. “Good,” the latter said hesitantly, “it was a ride.”

Phil laughed, “Yeah, me too.”

“I’m- I was in university before. I dropped out.” Phil didn’t seem to judge him, just nodding encouragingly for Dan to go on. “So, I work in a store now. Trying to, you know, sort out my life and all.”

“What do you want to do when you’re older?”

“I don’t know, die maybe.”

“Okay, that’s valid. But before that?”

Dan shrugged, “I don’t know, honestly.”

Phil decided not to press anymore, and Dan quickly took the opportunity to ask about his year.

“It was good. I went on my last Europe tour as a member of the team instead of a coach, so that was a bit bittersweet. I’m excited to coach though. Oh, I finally moved out, too. Was about time.” He laughed, the water moving off him in little waves.

Dan put on his underwear before he dried any other part of his body. Phil had no such inclination, stood in the middle of the hotel room stark-naked while drying his hair. The bed looked cosy and inviting, and although the room was warm enough Dan longed to curl up under the covers for a while.

Wearing just his pants he crawled into bed and pulled the duvet up to his chin. While he waited for the other to finish up, he grabbed the remote control off the bedside table and turned the TV on to a radio station that was playing Christmas songs. The only thing this atmosphere needed to be perfect was a little scented candle, but Dan would settle for this.

“So, I’ve been waiting pretty much all year to make out with you. Do you mind doing that for a while before we decide what to do with the rest of our night?”

Dan grinned, “I think I’m alright with that.”

Phil slipped under the covers with him and pushed him down onto his back. Dan laced his fingers through Phil’s mildly damp hair as they kissed. Maybe his flight response to Nicholas’ question had had less to do with the question of commitment to either a boy or anyone, and more to do with the fact that he was already committed to something. To a 24 hours period just before Christmas.

Phil’s hands were a bit cold roaming his sides. They sent shivers down his spine, but he did nothing to stop them.

Soon enough they were both warmed up and their almost naked bodies moved together, arousal already showing. Every time Phil’s hips touched against Dan’s thigh it sent a pleasant shiver to his dick, his fingers tightening against Phil’s hair and skin. It was pretty clear that ‘what they would be doing with the rest of their night’ wasn’t much of a question, really. With the way hands and mouths were moving this was only going in one direction.

Phil’s lips had trailed off, going from Dan’s neck to his chest and down to his belly. Looking down at him Dan watched the trail of faint hickeys grace down from his throat to the waistband of his boxers. Phil had already moved on, his breath ghosting over the bulge in the fabric and his hands moving up Dan’s thighs with confidence.

Although one part of his brain was focused solely on the fact that a very attractive boy was about to give him a blowjob, the other part of him couldn’t help but think about what would happen after. The memory of last year was still fresh in his mind to put a slight damper on his excitement. He wanted to try again. The thought of actually having sex with Phil made his whole body tingle, but it was also scary. It was like losing his virginity all over again, where he had no idea what he was doing, and he just had to surrender all control to another, more experienced party.

For a few minutes though, Dan’s mind was completely taken off anything he could possibly worry about as Phil pulled down his underwear and put his mouth on him. He started by teasing along the shaft with his tongue, one hand holding him firmly by the base and the other with fingertips barely grazing along his balls. Dan opened his eyes for a moment, glancing down at the sight below him. A soft sound escaped from the back of his throat before his eyes closed again.

Phil was an expert. His mouth and hands moved just right, and much sooner than he wanted to Dan had to nudge him off to stop him from finishing him off. “Can we try last year again?”

“Are you sure you want to?” Phil sat up on his heels. He needed no further explanation; he knew what Dan meant.

“Yeah. I want to try, at least.”

“I don’t want to say something stupid, but as it didn’t work last time, are you sure you really want it? Don’t do it for me, I’m doing perfectly fine without it.”

“No, yes, I mean- I really want it. I do. I’m just scared of the pain.”

“I’ll go very slow. The moment it doesn’t feel nice you give me a shout and I stop or take a step back, okay?”

“Okay.” Dan breathed.

The two of them kicked off their boxers, Dan pulling Phil back down for a quick kiss, but neither of them had much patience for a make out session knowing what was on the table now.

Phil had lube at the ready, spreading it on his fingers and pressing soft butterfly kisses to Dan’s abdomen as his hand moved down. Dan closed his eyes. He felt more vulnerable than he ever had before. He was clutching at the sheets, but Phil carefully took one of his hands in his and said in a hushed tone, “Squeeze my hand. Let me know if I do something wrong.”

He kissed Dan’s thigh while he pushed a finger in. Dan made a sound and Phil’s movements stilled, but he squeezed his hand, urging him to go on.

He took it slow. Like he promised. He gave Dan time to adjust before putting a second finger in, and eventually let go of Dan’s hand to tease his dick a bit, moving up and down in excruciatingly slow strokes. His whole body was on fire, feelings things he’d never felt before.

Eventually, after what felt like forever, Phil called him back to attention by pulling his fingers out and putting both hands on his hips, “You doing okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you’re well enough prepared, if you’re still up for it.”

“I am.”

“Okay.”

Dan’s eyes followed Phil as he hopped off the bed and got a condom from his suitcase. He tore open the wrapper and rolled the condom onto himself with practised fingers, putting some extra lube on himself after. The actions of someone who’d done this before and knew the pitfalls.

“Okay?”

Dan nodded. His throat was slightly closed up with nerves, but as Phil settled in between his legs he felt no urge to move away. Rather, he felt an impatient pull in his stomach, his dick twitching at the thought of what was about to happen.

The moment Phil’s tip grazed his entrance Dan closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He focused on relaxing, aided by Phil’s soothing hand on his side, rubbing circled into his skin with his thumb. Being filled up felt weird, and it just kept coming until finally he felt Phil bottom out. He was given a few moments to adjust, catch his breath, which he took reluctantly. He wanted to move on. Desperate already even though he only had to wait a few seconds.

“Go.” He muttered hoarsely.

Phil started slow. A practice run.

His hands were firmly holding on to Dan’s hips as he started speeding up little by little. Every time his hips touched against Dan and he was fully filled up, Dan let out a shaky breath. He had no idea how long Phil was going to last, but he didn’t think he had a lot of time in him. His dick was aching to be touched but he knew he’d come very quickly if he gave into the urge.

“How are you doing?” Phil asked. The question came out breathily, the words clearly an effort to utter.

“Good. Too good, maybe.” Phil gave him a questioning look, but Dan took a few seconds to recover before he continued, “I’m getting close.”

“Me too.”

“Touch me.” There was nothing in him that could muster up even the slightest bit of politeness. Phil didn’t need any. His hand reached down, and fingers wrapped firmly around him. It only took a few firm strokes in time with his hips to make Dan emit a desperate little sound and come all over his own belly. Phil followed shortly after, pushed over the edge by Dan’s muscles contracting around him.

Dan flinched when Phil pulled out. He felt overstimulated and sore, but completely satisfied. It was a tired, content kind of satisfaction, making him want to finally curl up and go to sleep. “What time is it?” He whispered, following Phil’s movements as the other went into the bathroom through half-closed eyes.

“Nearing half eleven.”

Dan laughed as much as his sleepy state allowed him to and closed his eyes fully, “I usually don’t go to sleep for another two hours or so.”

“We can go to sleep now, if you want.” Phil’s voice came from the other room.

“Hmm, up to you.”

Phil returned, putting his underwear back on and slipping back under the covers with Dan, “If we go to sleep now we’ll have loads of time together tomorrow. I’m not leaving till the evening. If you want that, of course.”

That woke Dan up. He opened his eyes and raised his head, but Phil had turned the light off and the room was dark. “Of course I want that.”

“Okay. Okay. Sleep now, then. We’ll have a lot of time tomorrow.”

Dan turned around, picking his underwear off the floor and wiggling into them under the duvet. When he was done, Phil crawled up beside him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. “This okay?” He asked. His warm breath stroked along Dan’s neck, making his skin raise into goosebumps.

“Yeah.” He whispered back.

He fell asleep with Phil’s arms tightly wrapped around him, soothed by his even breathing against his skin.

When Dan woke up Phil was still fast asleep. He snuck out from under his arm and tiptoed to the bathroom, where it still smelt like fruit and mint or whatever the bath bomb had been. After peeing Dan put a bit of Phil’s toothpaste in his mouth and sloshed it around for a bit; it would have to do.

“Morning.” He was greeted by Phil, lying on his back with one arm thrown over his face to protect his eyes from the sunlight, when he walked back into the bedroom.

“Morning.”

“Want to order some room service and chill in bed while we eat?”

“Sounds good.” He leant down and kissed the top of Phil’s head without really thinking, not realising himself until he met the other’s eyes. Phil pulled him down with a hand on the back of his neck and pecked his lips.

They ordered room service on the hotel website, Dan getting pancakes and Phil some vegan waffles. While they waited for it to arrive Dan got dressed, splashing some water in his face and attempting to bring his hair to some kind of order. He startled when he felt hands touching his belly. Phil had appeared behind him, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and now resting his chin on his shoulder. “What do you want to do today?”

“Anything. I wouldn’t mind staying in and just hanging out.”

“What, just talking, getting to know each other?” Dan asked. It was meant as a joke, but when Phil shrugged he nodded, “Alright, sure.”

They ate their breakfast sat cross-legged on the big double bed. Soft Christmas music played on the TV as they started chatting, carefully at first but quickly becoming more free in their questions and stories.

In the middle of one of his stories Phil suddenly called his dad ‘Mr Lester’, bringing the hand that was just about to put a bite of pancake into Dan’s mouth to an abrupt halt. Phil hadn’t noticed, his lively storytelling not stuttering for even a second.

But Dan had a name.

He had a full name to plug into the Google search bar rather than just the name of the ballet company. He wasn’t sure whether to try his absolute hardest to forget it as soon as possible, or whether to save it to his long-term memory and tattoo it onto his brain.

At about half two, when Phil was lying flat on his back with Dan’s head resting on his belly, both staring at the ceiling and half at the other’s hands gesturing in the air as they spoke, Dan’s phone started ringing. They both raised their heads, disturbed.

It was Eleanor. A picture of her and Dan as little kids in a playpark illuminated the screen.

“El?”

“Danny-boy, where are you?”

“Uh…” Dan glanced over to the bed, where Phil had grabbed his own phone and was scrolling through some missed messages.

“I told your mum you’re hanging out with a mate, but I can’t hold her off forever.”

Fuck. Christmas crafts.

“I hadn’t realised the time.”

It was quiet on the other end for a moment, “Bring him.” She said finally.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll come back.”

“Really, Dan, bring him.”

It was a weird crossroad to be at. He had 24 hours with Phil, but he also had a best friend and a mum waiting for their Christmas tradition, and he’d already let them down by being late. Last year in November he’d been at the same fork in the road, he realised, and he’d made the wrong decision then. He’d chosen Rosie over Eleanor and he still hated himself for that. It was clear-cut, really.

“I’m sorry for forgetting the time, I’ll be over as soon as I can. Get the crafts ready, I’m feeling the creative juices flowing.”

Eleanor laughed, the sound sending a relieved warmth to Dan’s heart. “Alright, alright. See you soon. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” When Dan turned back to the bed he wasn’t sure how to break the news. He bit his lip and sat down, awkwardly.

“You have to go?” Phil asked.

“I have a Christmas tradition with my mum and my best friend. It’s bad enough that I forgot about it.”

“It’s okay,” Phil nodded. His smile said that he meant it, “My bus leaves at ten, we can have dinner together if you want?”

“I’d love that, yes.”

“Meet me at the hotel entrance at seven?”

“Definitely.”

“Okay, all good. Have a good day, Dan.”

Dan bit the inside of his cheek. This was the right thing to do, and he was looking forward to crafts, as he did each year, but this still felt bittersweet.

When Phil opened his arms he happily fell into them, “I’m sorry.” He said.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. The day after is not usually a part of our tradition, after all.”

“I know, but it would’ve been nice.”

“Yeah, it would’ve been.”

Eleanor hugged him when he came in. Her arms were familiar and welcoming, and decidedly not upset with him. “How was your day, huh?”

He grinned, “Most excellent, thanks for asking.”

“I want to hear all about it. As soon as we’re not with your mum anymore, that is.”

“Are you kidding? You know about my thing, I want to hear about your night.” She winked at him and spun on her heel, walking to the living room. “Eleanor, you bitch, you can’t do this to me.”

“I can, and I will.”

“Dan, there you are! Did you have a good time with your friend?”

“Oh yeah, it was lovely.” Dan said, doing his best to hide the grin on his face that was mirrored by his best friend to his left.

Eleanor, always right beside him.

Scrolling was a bit more difficult than usual after the Glue Accident, but Eleanor managed it as she showed Dan Facebook pictures of a boy with blonde curls and a toned dancer’s body. They’d done two hours of crafts with Dan’s mum and then quickly retreated to Dan’s room with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, now stood forgotten on the bedside table.

Cam seemed nice enough, but it was clear that Eleanor didn’t care much for his niceness: he’d given her his number at the end of the night, but when Dan asked her if she’d put it into her phone she said she didn’t even remember where she put the note. The night had but a content grin on her face that was enough for now. A reminder that she still had it and that Nicola was a stupid idiot who was missing out, like Dan had been telling her for the past couple of months.

“So, what about you? Why were you still with him?”

“He’s here all day. Not leaving till nine tonight.”

“Wait, you were going to spend the day with him?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s still here?” With every word she was sitting up a bit straighter.

“Yeah.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Bros before hoes. Mums before- I don’t know- bums? You know what I mean.”

“Okay, crafts over. Go back to him, God. Your mum and I will still be here tonight and tomorrow and all the time after that.”

Dan was quiet for a moment. “El,” He said then, softly, “I’m sorry about last November.”

He didn’t need to explain what he meant. She gave him a sad smile and a playful push against the shoulder that meant more than it led on, “I know.”

“I really am. I shouldn’t have prioritised Rosie over you, and that was so fucking dumb of me.”

“Yeah, you were an idiot. Still are, really.” Eleanor agreed.

Dan grinned, “Yeah, alright, alright, calm down.”

“You deserve it though.” She said, laughing along. Her hand, still on his shoulder, shook him gently, “Go. It’s okay, we’ll hang out tonight and watch Home Alone. After he’s left.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You came to crafts, thank you.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.” He scrambled to his feet and kissed the top of her head. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, idiot.” She shook her head at him as he left the room.

It was six o’clock when he made it into the hotel lobby and the realisation that he had no way of getting upstairs or contacting Phil to let him in. He stood, probably suspiciously, next to the check-in desk for just a little too long, before his stupid foggy brain finally thought of something to do.

“El?”

“Why are you calling me? Go have sex or something.” She whispered the last part, probably still at his house, near his mum.

“I don’t have his phone number. Can you see if you can find Cam’s and ask him for Phil’s number for me?”

“Really? You want me to ask a guy I slept with last night for one of his friends’ phone numbers? Do you want me to break the guy’s heart?”

“Tell him it’s a gay emergency.”

“A gay emergency, huh?”

Dan’s face flushed red, “At this point, I can’t really deny anything anymore, you know?”

“You’re gay?”

“Oh my god, this is not what I called you for, El.”

“I know.”

“I’m not gay. I’m just- not straight. Bi, maybe.”

“I’ll find Cam’s number. Tell him it’s a bi emergency.”

“You’re an angel.”

“Yeah, and you’re so lucky to have me.”

After they hung up the phone Dan spent another couple of awkward minutes hanging around the check-in desk, giving the lady behind it a nod that he hoped was reassuring and friendly.

Just before his standing around started going from ‘weird’ to ‘scary’, Eleanor texted him. Just a string of numbers. Presumably Phil’s phone number. Phil Lester’s phone number.

What was he even supposed to say? What did you put in a first text to someone you’d known for two years but had only really seen three times?

Hey, it’s Dan. I’m back at the hotel if you want to hang out now? Am in the lobby.

His finger hovered over the ‘send’ button, and after a glance at the clock – twenty past six – he pressed it.

The lady behind the desk was really starting to give him looks now, so he moved to near the lifts, which was maybe even more suspicious. Thankfully, a minute or two later, one of the lifts opened and Phil appeared, now dressed in some casual jeans and a T shirt. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How were your crafts?”

“Excellent, I’m a master.”

“I’m sure you are. Want to go straight to the restaurant?”

“Sure. Where are we going?”

“Well, it just so happens that I know of an exquisite Pizza Hut around the corner.”

“Hm, really? How did you become acquainted with it?”

“Ah well, I just Google Maps-ed it a minute and a half ago.”

It was a short walk. Five minutes, maybe. Dan felt some weird sense of pride walking next to Phil, boasting with the cute guy he’d managed to get to… take him on a date? He wasn’t sure what this was, until fingertips touched his hand palm and fingers intertwined with his. He glanced to his side and the two boys made eye contact, grinning at each other, each content with what had just occurred between them.

Dan’s secondary school had had a pizza hut right around the corner, meaning he was very, very closely acquainted with how things worked in there. Phil, who’d been on a ballet diet most of his life, had only stepped foot inside a Pizza Hut maybe three times, had no idea what was going on from the moment he walked in.

“The salad bar is free?” He asked quietly, “Dan,” he did a little jog to catch up with the other, “Dan, it’s free?”

“Yeah. The bacon bits are vegan, too.”

“The bacon bits?”

Dan was enjoying being the one with more experience on something for once, albeit with the workings of a cheap pizza place.

He didn’t need to look at the menu, knowing his order by heart. Amusedly, he watched Phil study his options with his finger tracing the letters as he read them. “Is this one any good?”

“What, the pan? Sure. I’m a classic fan though.”

“I think I’ll be adventurous and get a pan.”

After they’d ordered Dan got some more entertainment from watching Phil squint at the salad bar options, carefully picking up some tomatoes and then loading up on bacon bits. “You’re sure?” He asked, by which time it was already far too late to dump the whole lot back into the bowl.

“Yeah, they’re vegan. My friend who’s vegan has them all the time.”

“Okay.”

Phil made the classic mistake of overloading on the salad bar, so he couldn’t finish his pizza. Dan gladly made use of this by eating the last 3 slices.

The boundaries had been moved, and for some reason instead of making it more awkward, as it had been before when they weren’t sure where the lines were drawn, they spoke more easily and fluently. Phil even opened up about his childhood, and how he’d started dancing.

Dan had to try his best to not stare at him fondly, leaning his head on one hand, while he listened.

It was a quarter to eight. They had exactly an hour and fifteen minutes to get Phil’s stuff packed up and get him on the bus, yet the moment they left Pizza Hut, they headed in the exact opposite direction of the hotel.

Their fingers were intertwined, hands swinging between them as they walked.

They got ice cream at a place Dan loved, sitting outside on a freezing December night despite the odd looks they were getting. By the end of it Dan couldn’t feel his tongue, but it was worth it to see the happy smile on Phil’s face, and the way his cheeks had gone red and rosy from the cold air.

Eventually they had to reluctantly make their way back to the hotel. Hand in hand once again.

Dan watched him throw his things into the suitcase on the floor and zip it up with the effortless movements of someone who’d done this many times before.

“I’ll see you next year?” Dan asked. He felt hope and hurt burning in his heart at once.

“I’ll be here. I hope you will be, too.”

“I’ll see if I can find the time to pop by.” Dan said. A weak attempt at a joke while he felt like a small part of him had just been zipped up into a suitcase headed north.

Downstairs by the bus, the other dancers greeted Dan like a friend with pats on the back and smiling nods. “See you next year, Dan.” One of them told him.

A fair assertion, or so Dan hoped.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #phan au #ballet au #phan smut

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Home for Christmas (Part 2 of 4)

Rating: M

Word count: 9K (13K total so far)

[A/N] This is going to be over 20K words long, so be prepared. Hope you enjoy my Christmas mini-series!

<-- part one -- part three -->

Eleanor sat leaned against the bedpost, a plate of pigs in blankets on her lap and her phone in her hand. Behind her, Dan was lying on his back on the bed.

It was the day of Christmas Eve, mid-afternoon. After a hefty lunch of pre-Christmas Dinner foods every member of the Howell family had retired to their own spaces, awaiting the four o’clock crafts session. Dan’s mum had gingerly offered Eleanor some more pigs in blankets to bring upstairs with them and Eleanor had eagerly taken the whole plate. She had just stuffed one in her mouth when Dan’s voice came from above her, “You haven’t said anything about last night.”

When she didn’t respond right away she heard him sit up, “El? Are you angry?”

She turned around and shook her head, gesturing at her full mouth. “No, of course not.” She said a few seconds later. “I’m happy for you. What is there to say, really? Unless you want to talk about it, of course.”

He let out a relieved laugh as he lied back down.

“I mean, I’m assuming you pulled, yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, kind of. We didn’t- you know.”

“It’s cool, mate.” She waved it away. “So, are you like, into guys?”

“I guess. I don’t know, really. Like, I’m into Phil, that’s for sure.”

“That’s enough then, right?”

“I think so, yeah.” He rolled onto his side, leaning down to grab a pig in blanket off Eleanor’s plate. “It’s just a bit confusing, is all.”

“I get that. I mean, yesterday afternoon you were straight.”

Dan laughed, “Supposedly. Who even knows what I am anymore. All I know is that I wouldn’t mind another round with him.”

“Go on then, lad.” Eleanor said, laughing along.

Dan didn’t think himself much of a crier, but that year seemed determined to prove him wrong. On their last day of school Dan, Eleanor, Sophie, Alex, and some of their other friends sat together in the cafeteria for the last time and ate one of those hotdogs that were probably a health hazard of some sort. They were uncharacteristically quiet, some choking back tears while others were just trying to take in these last moments together in this place. Before they went home that afternoon they all shared a big hug, and Dan cried. He tried to hide it, but of course Eleanor saw, and she quickly pulled him down to her height and kissed the side of his head.

He cried again on the night after their last exam, when the group sat at a pub and toasted to the past few years in secondary school and the coming years in university. When they teased him about his tears he tried to blame it on the alcohol, but really, he knew he’d have cried without it too. He was going to miss this bunch of idiots.

On the day of his A Level results he cried because Eleanor did. They both got into their first-choice universities, and Eleanor hugged him tightly as she wiped her tears on his shoulder. It was only a matter of time from the second he saw her eyes get glassy, because as all those years of friendship had taught them: when she cried, he cried.

The worst sobbing-session came the day Eleanor left for York. This time he didn’t even bother pretending he was just crying because she was; they both knew full well that they were going to be split up and it was going to hurt like nothing had hurt before. It was like breaking up while they were still in love.

Dan went with Eleanor and her dad, squeezing himself into the backseat with the suitcases. Neither the discomfort, nor the four-hour journey could deter him from going to say goodbye to his best friend. Their universities weren’t that far apart and they were going to visit each other whenever they could, but going from seeing each other every single day to seeing each other once a month was a difficult transition.

They made for a funny sight stood in front of her university house holding onto each other for dear life while sobbing and blubbering about how much they would miss one another.

Dan moved to Manchester two days later, into a small room where he would have to learn how to cook and do his own laundry. His parents saw him off and walked around campus with him for the afternoon, but after they went home he was fully left to fend for himself. Three of his flatmates had already arrived, and the four of them cooked pasta and watched a football match in awkward silence in the evening.

He cried again that night on the phone to Eleanor.

Rosie Crawford moved in the next day, with her long blonde hair and freckly cheeks. From the moment she walked into the lounge Dan wanted her. As they cooked dinner together he kept glancing over at her and catching her looking back at him. They smiled at each other before looking away.

When she backed him against his bedroom door and kissed him two days later, his mind for some reason drifted to Christmas Eve Eve nine months before, when that ballet boy had done the same. He shook the thought and put his hands on Rosie’s chest.

For someone who hadn’t been in a relationship in over a year he slipped back into it quickly. Rosie was easy to get along with and even easier to have sex with. She was good in bed, making his head spin as she played him like an instrument when they were alone together. They spent pretty much all their alone time naked.

During the third week of term one of their housemates suggested they put a rule in place of not trying it on with anyone at their house, and Rosie burst out laughing and told him it was a tad late for that. The boys congratulated Dan on his catch.

He laughed along and said, “I’m punching above my weight, I know. I’d like to think I have a few redeemable qualities to bring to the table though.”

“I do like her, I told you she’s cool.”

Dan rolled his eyes and propped his feet up on the headboard of his bed, “Then why don’t you want to come with us?”

“I don’t want to be a third wheel, Dan. She’s your girlfriend.”

“And you’re my best friend. Who’s to say you’ll be a third wheel and not her?”

“I don’t want anyone to be a third wheel, that’s the whole point.”

“No one needs to be. We can all be friends together.”

“Just go with her, okay? I’m not upset, I promise.”

Dan was still hesitant. It was supposed to be the fifth year in a row that he and Eleanor would spend a weekend in November in some city in Europe, but the dates they’d set months before just happened to be the same days as Rosie’s Centre Parks trip with her secondary school friends that she really wanted to bring Dan to. When he’d explained the situation to her and asked if he could bring his friend she’d shrugged and given him an unenthusiastic yes. He didn’t blame her, obviously. The two girls barely knew each other and really, there was no good reason for Eleanor to come along on that trip. But a yes was a yes so he’d invited her.

“Can we do our Europe trip some other time?”

“I suppose we can, but my teaching assistant job starts in two weeks, so I don’t know how much time I’ll have. We’ll talk about it later, okay?”

He sighed, “Alright.”

The November trip didn’t happen.

Eleanor was busy with her new duties and after asking a few times Dan felt rude to push more seeing as he’d been the one to blow off their original plan. Besides, he had more things to worry about. Rosie had been acting distant since Centre Parks and he was desperate to make up with her before she left for Christmas break. With the days passing quickly, filled up with seminars, coursework and student union activities, her departure date was sneaking up on him.

She was set to leave about week into their break, on the 21st of December, which meant he had a few days of free time to figure out what was bothering her. She seemed to be avoiding him. She was never in her room when he checked, and his messages went unanswered.

“Has Rosie said anything to you?” Dan stuck his head into his housemate and friend Davis’s room.

“A few things on multiple occasions. We’ve been living together for a couple of months, you know.”

“Ha-ha. Very funny.” Dan said, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. “I mean about me. About our relationship.” He let himself fall onto Davis’s bed and dramatically looked up at his friend, who was sat at his desk playing a game of online poker.

“Why would she say something to me? You should be asking Rasha about stuff like this. I don’t get involved with your love lives.” At least he had the decency to shut his laptop and put his feet up against the bed, giving Dan his full attention.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just hoping she’s said something to someone. Or I’m hoping she hasn’t said anything to anyone because there’s nothing to say and I’m reading too much into this. I don’t know which one I’d prefer.”

“What’s going on between you two?”

“My question exactly. If only I knew. I haven’t spoken to her since Wednesday.”

“Mate, you are fucked.”

“I know.” Dan whined.

“If I see her I’ll tell her you want to talk to her.” He narrowed his eyes, “Wait, is that what you want? I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Yes, that’s what I want. She’s leaving soon, and I want to sort this out. I don’t want to spend Christmas being miserable over her.”

“Talking to her might make you even more miserable.” Davis said.

“Don’t say that.”

When Rosie still hadn’t show up the next day, Dan messaged Eleanor and asked her if he could come over. An hour later he was on a train.

At least someone was excited to see him. Eleanor darted through the masses on the platform to meet him and pull him into a bear hug, “I missed you.” She exclaimed.

“I missed you too.” He responded, managing a genuine smile for the first time in days.

They walked out to the Uber hand in hand, and Dan felt at peace. If there was any stability in his life, any constant which he knew he could count on at all times, it was Eleanor. “Have you spoken to Rosie?” She asked as they got in the car.

“No,” He said, “let’s not talk about her, okay? I’ve spent enough time worrying about it. I’ve sent her a message saying where I am, and that if she finally wants to speak to me she can call me.”

Eleanor grimaced, “That doesn’t sound very promising for your relationship.”

“I know.”

They were both eager to change the subject and fortunately Eleanor had plenty of stories to tell about boys she’d hooked up with over the past few months. She was really getting around, and Dan was proud of his best friend in some way. When they walked into the hall her room was on twenty minutes later a boy smiled at her and said hi, and the moment he was out of earshot Eleanor whispered, “That’s Nicola,” with a meaningful grin.

“Nicola, huh?” He was about to make a witty joke when his phone rang. They both froze, and the caller ID confirmed their suspicions. “Hello?”

“Hey Dan, it’s Rosie.”

“Yeah, hi.”

“I’m sorry for avoiding you these past few days. I’ve been staying with some girls from my course because I needed some time to think. Can we talk?”

Eleanor had opened a door and was pulling Dan into her dorm. To privacy.

“We’re talking right now.” He said.

“Face to face.”

“If you’re going to say what I think you’re going to say, I don’t think it’s worth me taking the train back to Manchester for.”

It stayed quiet on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Sorry.” She just said.

“Why?”

“Our sex was great, but I just never felt like you were in it emotionally. I found someone who can offer me what I need in every way. Maybe you should just be with Eleanor, seeing as she’s always the person you go to first anyway.”

Something cracked inside him but he bit his lip and kept it hidden away, glancing at his best friend to his side but not commenting on what Rosie had just implied, “So we’re over?”

“Sorry.” She said again.

“Have a good Christmas.”

“You too. I’m sorry, Dan.”

With his trembling fingers he managed to find the red button on his phone and press it before tossing the whole device away from himself. Eleanor didn’t say anything, simply wrapping her arms around him and pressing her face into his shoulder, “You’re better off without her.”

“I will be.” He muttered. And then he started crying.

Eleanor’s hall was catered, meaning that the next morning they went to a large dining room downstairs and queued for food. They filled up their trays with bread rolls and fruit and devoured them at a table of people Dan had seen maybe twice before but heard plenty of stories about. A girl was trying it on with him, but Eleanor set her off him with one look and one subtle shake of her head. Now wasn’t the time.

He’d cried for about an hour the night before. Then he’d picked himself up and cursed violently, saying he should’ve just ‘gotten the real student experience and shagged some strangers’.

“You can still do that. You’re only four months into your student life, for god’s sake.” Eleanor had said.

And then he’d gone back to crying.

He felt a bit better now at breakfast, as long as he didn’t think of Rosie. Goddamn Rosie.

They decided to go straight from York back to London and Dan didn’t go by Manchester to pick up any more clothes. He’d wear the old shirts he’d left behind on purpose because he didn’t like them anymore, because everything was better than going back to his apartment on Denmark Road and facing all the housemates who had stayed behind and would want to know what was going on with him.

He had planned on telling his parents about his girlfriend over Christmas, and now that that was off the table he was a bit disoriented. His vision of what his visit home was going to look out had been turned upside down and he spent the train ride thinking it over. Christmas Eve was tomorrow and at least he had the certainty that he would be having pigs in blankets and doing some crafts project with Eleanor and his family. The thought of that calmed him down somewhat.

They hugged each other goodbye for now when Dan’s mother, who’d picked them up at the train station, dropped Eleanor off at her house, “See you tomorrow, Karen.”

“Bye, love. Tell your parents merry Christmas from me, alright?”

“Will do.”

The moment Eleanor had left the car his mother turned to Dan, “What’s with you? Did something happen?”

“No, everything is fine.” Dan responded. He tried to make his word sound upbeat, but he wasn’t sure if he was succeeding, “I’m just a bit tired.”

His mum started the car as she nodded, “University does that to a person. I hope you haven’t been partying too much; you need to focus on your studies.”

At half seven the doorbell rang, and a few seconds after someone opened the front door Dan’s name was called. He looked away from his computer screen to shout back, “Yeah?”

“Eleanor is here to see you.”

He frowned in confusion but shut his laptop and went downstairs. Eleanor had told him she had a game night with her sisters planned for Christmas Eve, so he hadn’t expected to even hear from her that evening, let alone have her show up at his door.

“What’s up?” He asked the moment she came in sight.

His brother gave him a nod and disappeared into the living room, leaving the two friends alone.

Eleanor looked him up and down, “Put on some proper clothes. We’re going to a show tonight.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You could use some cheering up and I remember what you said about student life and shagging strangers.”

“I just had my heart broken, El. Have some respect.” But they both know his heart wasn’t with those words and she shooed him back upstairs.

Ten minutes later he was in the car with her; a slightly scary feeling as she had learnt to drive over the Summer and probably hadn’t been behind a steering wheel ever since as she’d left for university. He tried not to show that he was fearing for his life as they passed through the dark streets.

“So just to be clear, we’re going to see that ballet performance again, right?”

“Yes, of course. I know how much you loved it last time.”

He laughed, “Oh yeah, I love dance and, er- music. All that stuff. So up my alley.”

“A real culture fanatic, as you have always been.”

She parked the car at the back of the lot. They were late and lucky to even find a spot at all, so they only complained a little bit as they hurried to the building in the freezing cold.

After handing their coats off in the cloakroom they headed into the auditorium where the curtains were still drawn but most seats already filled up. Fancy looking people eyed them with annoyance as the two teens shuffled past them to their spots. The year before they’d sat on the balcony, almost in the middle of the row, where they’d had a near perfect view of the stage. This year they were squeezed into the far-left corner of the main floor seating area, where a pole obstructed half of Dan’s sight. It didn’t matter. They weren’t really here for the performance anyway.

“Are you sure he’s even here? Do they use the same dancers each year? How does ballet work?” He whispered, earning himself glances from the people around them.

“I don’t know about those last two, but he’s here. I checked the website. He’s got the same role as last year.”

“Will he even remember me?”

“Of course. Who wouldn’t remember the guy they slept with on Christmas Eve Eve after a performance?”

“Maybe he sleeps with someone after every performance.”

“God, Dan. You don’t have to marry the guy, you’re just trying to get with him.” Her words were slightly too loud, and the woman sat in front of them turned around in a manner that was probably supposed to be stealthy.

“You’re right.” Dan said. He turned back to the stage and leaned into his chair for a few seconds. Then he sat up and faced Eleanor again, “How will we even find him?”

“We’ll just go see if they’re in the café during the break. A few of them were last year.”

“What if Phil isn’t?”

“Then we’ll ask someone else to pass on the message.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to go with me? Or maybe he has a boyfriend?”

“Okay, we’re going to stop talking now. Shut up.”

He nodded. She was right, of course, but that didn’t lessen his anxiety over the whole ordeal.

He sat through the first half of the performance with a continuously tapping foot that was probably driving everyone around him crazy. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the dancer with the black hair and the red blazer, who looked more mature and even more graceful than the year before.

During the break most people on their row annoyingly stayed put and Eleanor and Dan had to once again awkwardly shuffle past their knees to get out. Dan’s hands were a bit sweaty and he felt nervous, which was out of character for someone who had slept with plenty of people before in his life. Just not boys, he told himself. This was the only boy he’d ever done anything with and being turned down by him would mean something, although he wasn’t sure what exactly.

His eyes scanned the café where dozens of chic people were having wine and probably discussing the quality of the choreography or whatever it was rich people talked about. There was no sign of Phil or any of the other dancers, and Dan was ready to give up and go back upstairs, when Eleanor grabbed his arm and pulled him to the bar, “Let’s just have a drink. They might still show up.”

And they did.

Five minutes after they’d each received a cold glass of iced tea three of the dancers strolled in, chatting and laughing amongst themselves. Phil wasn’t with them, but they could pass on the message, as Eleanor had put it. Eleanor pushed a napkin and a pen towards him, and Dan scribbled down some words in a hurry, ‘would like a do-over for last year. No hard feelings if u don’t want to. If u do, meet me at the back entrance after the show’.

He gathered all his courage and approached one of the girls who were now standing in the queue at the bar. “Hey, can you give this to Phil for me?”

The girl raised her eyebrows, but then a look of recognition appeared on her face and she took the napkin from him, “You want a round two with the star, huh?”

Dan grinned and shrugged, “Give him the message, alright?”

“Will do, Casanova.” She winked and turned to her friends, undoubtedly to tell them what was about to happen between this boy and one of their colleagues.

Dan returned to his own table and Eleanor gave him a thumbs up as he approached, “That went well.” She said when he was within earshot.

“I’m pretty sure their whole group will know by the end of the break.”

“Well, let them all be jealous.” Eleanor said.

“I’ll wait out front, shoot me a text as soon as possible to tell me if you need a ride home or not.” She had told him.

Dan was stood by the backdoor – the artist exit – and nervously hopped from one foot to the other. It was fifteen minutes after the end of the show and he had no idea how long it would take for the dancers to be let go. Should he wait an hour? Two even? It was cold, and he could already barely feel his fingers after fifteen minutes outside.

There was some noise on the other side of the door. He stepped back just in time before it swung open and a face appeared. It wasn’t Phil’s, but it was one of the dancers and she was looking for Dan. “He’ll be out in half an hour or so. He and the other lead roles are meeting with our director.” The girl looked around for a second and then added, “You can wait inside, if you want. You’ll freeze your arse off out here.”

He gratefully accepted the invitation and spent the next 35 minutes leaned against the backdoor, but from the inside, which was a lot more comfortable.

Phil was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie with his ballet studio’s logo printed on the front when he finally appeared, “Sorry it took so long. The director wouldn’t stop talking.” Then he broke into a grin, “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“To be honest, neither did I. This was a bit of a last-minute change of plans.”

“Whatever reason it was, I’m glad you’re here. Want to come back to the hotel?”

He had one last opportunity to say no. To turn around, go home, and mourn his relationship in a healthier way. But he didn’t do any of those things. Instead, he nodded and followed Phil.

While the rest of Phil’s team took their bus back, he caught an Uber with Dan. They heard the other dancers laugh and shout went they got back a few minutes or so after Phil had closed the door of his hotel room behind the two of them.

Dan was sat on the bed, nervous and unsure what to do with himself while Phil was in the bathroom. He could hear the tap running.

Deep breaths. He’d done this before and he was going to do it again. No big deal. He checked in with himself a couple of times, questioning if his nervousness maybe meant he didn’t really want to do this, but he really, really did not want to get up and leave. On the contrary: his mind kept wandering to an image of what Phil might be doing in the other room. To his bare chest and perfectly messy hair.

When the other boy stepped back into view Dan’s heart skipped a beat. He definitely wanted this.

Phil had put on some jeans, but he wasn’t wearing a shirt. His bare torso looked exactly as Dan remembered: toned, pale, and absolutely perfect.

“You want to take it slow tonight or did you have a wild year?”

Dan grinned, “Wild year, but not in that way. How about we take it slow and see where that takes us?”

“All good with me.” Phil had a mischievous look on his face and as he approached Dan leaned back on the bed, allowing the other to lean over him to kiss him.

They started out calm, but quickly got more heated. This night was no place for pleasantries or gallantries: they both knew what they wanted, and they were out to get it.

Dan pulled Phil on top. His hands roamed the boy’s back, nails tracing soft skin. They were eager, but not as desperate as last year. Their fingers explored as their mouths moved together, and somewhere along the way they started moving their hips into each other, which Dan didn’t really process until it sent a shiver down his spine and elicited a sound from the back of his throat.

Phil moved away from his face, touching his lips against the sensitive skin on Dan’s neck. When he reached the hem of his shirt he tugged on it, and Dan propped himself up on his elbows as he let the other boy pull it off him.

In the next room over someone turned on music and a Drake song dully sounded through the walls. Ten minutes before some of the dancers had gone into that room, meaning that the two boys were missing out on some sort of party. All the others were missing out on this though. Phil was kissing his way down Dan’s chest, to his stomach and to the waistband of his jeans. He checked in with Dan, glancing up and receiving a nod, before he started undoing the belt.

He was a tease, pulling Dan’s jeans down but leaving his underwear in place. Leaning down, his breath ghosted over Dan’s cock and made him tense up. “Tell me if I’m going too fast or too far.” Phil said. He got an impatient wave in response and grinned at himself as he ran his hands up the inside of Dan’s thighs.

Finally, he pushed his underpants down and moved his hand along Dan’s length a few times before settling it at the base and taking him into his mouth. Finding a steady rhythm, he bobbed his head up and down. Dan wove his fingers into the boy’s hair with a firm grip to keep his head down. Not that Phil seemed in any way planning on moving away anytime soon.

He didn’t do so until Dan pulled him off, gasping for air and desperate. “Off, off, off.” He breathed, motioning vaguely at Phil’s jeans.

Phil was happy to comply, and the moment he had chucked his underwear on the ground Dan was dragging him down onto the bed, heavily pressing him into the sheets. His complete lack of experience in having sex with boys was irrelevant now that pure lust had taken over. He didn’t need to think about what he would be doing in this situation with a girl; all he needed to do was think about what he wanted to do to Phil right now, and that was leaning down and get his mouth on that beautiful chest.

Phil gladly let him take control, leaving his hands to rest on the pillow above his head where Dan had put them when he’d positioned him on his back. He was relaxed. Experienced enough to be comfortable giving the reigns to someone else without giving it a second thought.

Hands roaming and mouth moving over Phil’s torso, Dan’s mind was blank. His movements were fast and sloppy, but Phil let him go without any intention to guide him in the right direction. He quickly gave up on messing around and took Phil’s cock in his hands. He was bigger than Dan was used to, but although that didn’t make much of a difference when it came to hand jobs, it made him a bit nervous with the prospect of a blowjob. Phil sensed his hesitation and propped himself up on his elbows, grabbing Dan by his arm, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” He insisted.

Dan nodded, “I want to, though. I’m just- I need a second to like, build up courage or something.”

“Alright.” Phil grinned before quickly getting serious again, “We can stop at any time. If you try it and you hate it you can stop right away, it’s all good.”

“I know.”

“Okay.” Phil lay back down, putting his hands under his head this time.

One last breath. Dan leant down and took the tip of Phil’s cock into his mouth. Experimentally he moved up and down a little, getting used to the sensation and the feel of it. Giving head to a guy was certainly a whole different thing from giving it to a girl. He could get used to this, though. As he gained confidence he started bringing his head down more and more, until his throat made it clear that it would not take any more. He placed both his hands at the base of his cock and moved them in time with his mouth. It took a few beats for him to find a steady rhythm, but once he did he could hear from the sounds Phil was making that he was doing a good job.

It helped that he knew what he liked himself. He kept his teeth away and each time he came up he flicked his tongue gently over Phil’s tip.

Fingers were threaded through the hair at the back of his head, and every now and again he felt a tug when he did something particularly good.

“Dan, Dan,” It was clearly an effort to even form any words, and to make himself a bit clearer he pulled Dan’s head away from his cock, “do you want to go any further? Because if you keep going like this I’ll be done soon.”

Dan bit his lip.

Was he going to go from being in a serious relationship with a girl to having full-on sex with a boy in one week?

“We can go further.”

Alright, so yes. He was going to do just that.

Phil sat up, still catching his breath but already fully serious again, “Alright, so do you have a preference for a position?”

“I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing so I feel like I’m safer on the bottom.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “you set the pace and the boundaries, yeah? You want to stop we stop immediately. No questions asked.”

Dan couldn’t help himself; he grabbed Phil by his shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss. It was a clean, closed-mouth kiss which he hoped conveyed his gratefulness for Phil’s patience and insistence on setting boundaries.

Phil kissed him back but the moment they broke apart he gave a questioning look, “yeah?” he asked again.

“Yeah.” Dan said.

Phil hopped off the bed to dig some lube out of his suitcase, and Dan took the moment to try to calm himself down. This was like losing his virginity all over again, and in a way, he was. Nervous butterflies had filled his stomach, and as he wiped his sweaty hands on the bed sheets he tried to focus on the muffled sounds of music coming through the walls.

“You okay?” Phil asked, settling down on the bed next to him, a bottle of lube in his hands.

Dan nodded.

“We don’t have to do this.”

“I know. I want to.”

A last nod, and then Phil was instructing him on how to lie down. He bent his legs at the knee and told him to relax, and Dan tried. He really tried. He almost succeeded, too, but then he felt Phil’s finger at his entrance and although he was gritting his teeth and trying to relax his body, he just couldn’t do it. “Can you give me a moment?”

Phil pulled away and said, “How about I finish that blowjob?” He was smiling. Not a hint of annoyance or disappointment showing on his face.

Dan’s heart sank as he shrugged.

“Hey,” Phil wiped his fingers on the sheets and lied down next to Dan, “hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s all good. Do you want to continue with hands and mouths or do you want to stop completely? Either is fine. I’m not upset.”

“God, you’re so fucking nice.” Dan said, and he couldn’t help but laugh even though he had tears prickling in the corners of his eyes.

Phil laughed along, “I’m having a good time with you. I don’t really care what we do.”

Dan was quiet for a moment, but then nodded, “Let’s continue. Just- just give me a second to pull myself together.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I got a taste of what you look like when I’m giving you head and honestly, it can only get better from there.”

They lied next to each other on their backs, arms and shoulders touching, while Dan regained his composure. Soon enough his body was alerting him to the fact that there was an extremely attractive naked guy lying next to him, and his cock twitched at the thought. He ran his eyes over the straight lines on the boy’s torso; his toned abdomen and muscular chest. A smile appeared on Phil’s face when Dan sat up on his knees and leaned down to gently kiss along his neck and throat.

They took it slowly this time around. Neither of them getting too worked up, and the only thing they really cared about at this point was just enjoying each other.

Each lying on their side, facing each other, they lazily pumped their hands up and down to get them going again.

After a while, Phil pushed Dan over onto his back, moving his head back down and taking him into his mouth. He kept a steady pace, in no hurry to finish Dan off quickly but also not messing around anymore.

Having been going for over an hour now, Dan’s stamina was pretty worn out and after only a few minutes of receiving head he muttered, “I’m close.” His abdomen tightened and his fingers pulled on Phil’s black locks.

He came hard with Phil’s mouth gently working him through it. Phil was a swallower, apparently, because when he came up he immediately spoke, “That was good.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed in between heavy breaths, “your turn now.”

Phil wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand and lied down, “You can finish me with your hand, if you want.” He said.

Dan shrugged, “We’ll see.”

The second time around giving a blowjob was much less scary. He put his mouth on Phil without hesitation and started moving right away. He knew now from last time that his jaw was bound to get tired quickly because he was inexperienced, so he tried to make it count, moving fast and firmly.

Phil took two minutes before he gave Dan a warning. For a moment Dan considered letting him come in his mouth, but then he decided not to push himself any more than he already had that day, and moved his head away, replacing his mouth with his hand. Phil came onto his own stomach with a soft moan. Dan was mesmerised by the look on the boy’s face, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth slightly open.

“Not bad for a beginner.” Phil muttered with a raspy voice after Dan had let himself fall down on the bed beside him.

“Shut up, I was great.”

While Phil cleaned himself up in the bathroom Dan put his boxers back on and thought what had just happened over. With a shudder he realised how glad he was that he hadn’t let Phil continue when he hadn’t wanted to. He felt safe and calm in a way he would definitely not have felt if he had let Phil have sex with him, and a warm feeling overcame him as he thought of the boy in the next room.

He had respected him. Listened to him. And although he knew that should be normal and not something he was paying specific attention to, he couldn’t help but feel grateful.

Pulling a shirt over his head Dan walked into the bathroom and pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple as he joined him. “You okay?” Phil asked.

“Yep, all good.” Dan smiled. He washed his hands and rinsed out his mouth. When he turned around Phil was sat on the side of the bath, watching him. He had a smile on his face and opened his arms when their eyes met.

Dan happily accepted the embrace, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder with eyes closed and shoulders relaxed.

“Do you want to go join the party?” Phil asked softly, his face buried in Dan’s hair.

Dan hesitated, “I’m not too fussed. I’ll go with you if you want me to.”

“No, god, no. I was hoping you wouldn’t want to go, because I just kind of want to stay here. Maybe watch some TV and then go to bed.”

“Sounds good.” Dan said. “Wait, with me? Or do you want me to leave?”

Phil laughed, “With you, preferably.”

The other bed in the room was made up, with an open suitcase resting on the duvet. The contents were neatly folded, carefully put together, and it seemed that only a few items had been taken out. “Ryan’s gone to sleep with Everly.”

Dan looked up, “I should’ve asked about your roommate before we did all that.”

“I would’ve told you if you needed to know about him. It’s fine. He’s not coming back tonight.”s

Phil called room service for some clean sheets while Dan sat cross-legged on the bed, shaking his head and going more red with every passing second – whoever came up to bring them those sheets would know exactly why they needed them. There was no way around it though; they were dirty, and Dan was sat on a pillow to avoid touching any of the wet or sticky patches.

Phil tossed the lube and condoms back in his suitcase just in time for the knock on the door. “Thanks, I’ll do it myself.” He told the person at the door, and quickly shooed them away.

“Right, let’s do this, somehow.”

Getting the old mattress cover off was one thing but putting a new one on was a whole different thing. Dan found himself stretched out trying to hold two of the corners in place at the same time while Phil put the other two in place.

The sheets were easier; old ones tossed aside, and new ones thrown on without much care for aesthetics. They huddled together with the TV on but were barely watching the auction show that was playing. Dan’s head fell onto Phil’s shoulder after only a couple of minutes, and shortly after he was fast asleep.

In a way Dan was surprised to still find Phil by his side when he woke up. Then again, this was his hotel room and he was hardly going to leave Dan here on his own.

It was just after nine when he snuck out of the bed and went into the bathroom, picking up his discarded clothes from the night before up on his way there. He locked the door behind himself and splashed some water in his face as he thought over his next move. The etiquette of one-night-stands was a trade best learnt from practice, and his experience was limited. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to leave before Phil woke up, or if he should stay and say, what, ‘thank you’? No, that was dumb. He pulled on his jeans and made an attempt to sort out his hair in the mirror.

He heard stirring in the other room and froze in place for a few seconds. Too late to sneak out.

“Good morning.” He said carefully, stepping out into the room.

“Morning.” Phil was sat on the edge of the bed in just his underwear, still managing to look absolutely fucking breath-taking despite literally just having woken up.

“So,” Dan started to say. He wasn’t yet sure where his sentence was going to go, but he was hoping to figure it out along the way, “last night was good. Thanks.”

Thanks? Really, Dan, thanks?

Phil grinned, “Yeah, thank you too.” He got up and lazily started collecting his clothes from the floor. “I was thinking we could go catch breakfast at a café? I don’t leave for another” – he checked the clock above the bed – “two hours.”

Okay, so that was how Phil did one-night-stands.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Let me just take a shower real quick.” Dan stepped aside to let the other boy into the bathroom and was just about to go looking for his phone when Phil’s head reappeared in the door opening, “Want to join me?”

“Well, if you’re offering.”

The shower was barely big enough to fit two people just standing side by side, let alone two people who were actually trying to have a functional shower. Or sex, for that matter.

To Dan’s surprise Phil didn’t try anything, and he himself was just fine just getting another glimpse of that toned body.

“I don’t know how one-night-stands are supposed to work.” Phil admitted, his back turned as he read the back of a bottle of free hotel shampoo. “You’re probably not supposed to take a nice relaxing shower with them the next morning.”

Dan let out a relieved laugh, “I wouldn’t know. I’m not really at home in this kind of thing.”

“Well thank god for that, because I was honestly afraid you’d leave before I woke up. I’ve been told that’s what people usually do.”

“It’s not what you usually do?” He was pushing it, he knew.

“Yeah, no. I usually do this, er- not at all.”

“Yet we’ve done this two times already. Even though we both say we’re not the type.”

Phil shrugged, “It’s no use trying to figure it out. All I know is I like spending the night with you, and I don’t feel the need to overthink it.”

Dan led them to his favourite breakfast spot in the city, only a ten-minute walk from the hotel. Sauntering along just a step behind him, Phil had his hands in his coat pockets and was taking in the buildings and people. London was probably very different from the place he was used to, which, judging from his accent, was somewhere up North. Dan wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask something like that or if that would be too invasive.

“Will you be back next year?” Dan asked, aware he was already pressing his luck.

“I should be. Not sure in what capacity though.” Phil responded.

Dan wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean but figured that Phil would elaborate if he wanted to. His silence said enough. They weren’t supposed to discuss their future or private lives, message received.

The café’s colourful sign appeared when they turned the corner. Inside, the fairylights were on and the place was bustling with people coming in for their morning coffee or English breakfasts. A bell above the door sounded as Dan pushed it open to let them in, a smiling waitress armed with a notebook in one hand and a stack of menus in the other already approaching them. “Hi.” She said cheerily, the way only people who were genuinely happy to be where they were could.

“Hi.” Dan responded. He motioned behind himself, “Table for two, please.”

“Sure, you can sit over there by the window, if you want.” She handed them both a menu and sent them off to their spot.

“Is there anything vegan on this menu?” Phil asked, flipping the laminated card over in his hands.

“Yeah, everything vegetarian can be made vegan.” Dan pointed the vegetarian dishes out and Phil nodded as he started studying them. Dan watched him for a moment, his mind racing to find something to say. Surprisingly, having sex with him was easier than having a normal conversation. “So, you’re vegan?” He eventually managed.

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

Dan turned to his menu, even though he always ordered the same thing and really did need to look. Suddenly, the café seemed too full of eyes watching him and waiting for him to fail. After being dropped like a brick by Rosie he desperately wanted Phil to like him, especially as she’d told him that the sex was good, but they hadn’t connected emotionally. He could have sex, with both Rosie and Phil, but the whole shebang around sex was a different story. He thought he had it down, but apparently not, and his current situation was proving that.

“I might not be dancing next year.”

Dan’s head shot up at his unexpected words, “Pardon me?”

“Sorry, I skipped a step. You asked me on our way over here if I was coming next year. I probably am, but I don’t think I’ll be the Cavalier. Or anyone, for that matter.”

“What will you be?”

“One of the coaches, probably. Our main instructor has been mentoring me and I might actually take on an assistant role this year. I’m enjoying dancing, but I’m trying to secure a future for myself, and that’s with coaching, not dancing.”

“Right,” Dan nodded, “you don’t want to dance professionally?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I would love to. But I’m good, and to be a professional ballet dancer you need to be exceptional, and I know I’m not that level. It’s better to get my hands on a good coaching spot now than to try to break in in a couple of years after I’ve found out I’m not going to make it the hard way.”

“You’re not even that old yet, can’t you keep dancing for a few more years?”

“I’m twenty-one, it’s time to start thinking of the future. I’ll keep dancing, of course, but my focus is going to be on my career off the stage.”

Dan was surprised by the snippet of information he had been given. The two boys knew very little about each other, and something as small as age seemed somehow big enough to be a bit bewildering.

The waitress approached their table, saving Dan from having to piece together a response after it had already been a couple of seconds too slow anyway.

“What about you, Dan, what are you trying to do?” Phil asked after they had ordered.

It was such a broad question, carefully phrased to give Dan room to be vague if he wanted to be. He didn’t need that space though, “I don’t know.” He said honestly.

“That’s fair. I suppose I’m lucky to have found my passion so early on in life, because I have no idea what I would do if I couldn’t do dance.”

“What else do you enjoy?”

Phil shrugged, “I don’t have much time to do anything besides dancing, to be honest. I like to hang out with my friends and play board games, if that counts? We play card games on the bus all the time, that’s a favourite too.”

“Board games?”

“You sound surprised.”

“I am. I’m not sure why. We barely know each other, I don’t know why I had an image of you as someone who doesn’t play board games.”

“Misjudged that one,” Phil laughed, “we should play Settlers of Catan some time. The god tier of board games.”

Something fluttered in Dan’s belly, rising up into his chest and making his heart skip a beat. It was an effort to move his head into a nod, “yeah.”

“Er- I mean, you know.” Phil said, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “Maybe one day.”

“Yeah, maybe one day.”

The waitress brought them two cups of tea and Dan pushed his from one hand to another as he tried to calm himself down. He was on edge. Racking his brain, he tried to remember how he’d once managed to flirt with and get with Rosie, but it was like he was a whole other person. Blaming it on the fact that Phil was the first guy he’d tried it on with wasn’t working anymore, and he was starting to come to terms with the probability that maybe he was just not a smooth talker.

“How come we’re suddenly being so awkward?”

Dan’s head shot up. He hadn’t expected Phil to address the problem so head-on, “Because we’re unsure about where we stand?”

“Okay, so let’s decide where we stand.”

“Right.”

They were both quiet for a minute, seemingly occupied with their tea, until Phil spoke up, “We’re not interested in dating, so should we say we meet again like this next year?”

Dan had missed the point where they’d decided they weren’t going to date, but he wasn’t going to argue, “yeah, could do.”

“Like, unless we’re dating someone else by Christmas next year we’ll do this again? Is that an agreement?”

Dan nodded, “Okay, but what information is off limits? How casual are we?”

“How about last names, addresses, family details, and future plans that involve us both are a no-no.”

“Relationship details?”

“Off limits.”

“Okay.” Dan felt his shoulders relax now that they had some rules in place. “We’re casual. Totally casual.”

“Just two casual dudes planning their one-night-stand a year in advance.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh, “I suppose it’s a bit unusual.”

“Well, we both said we don’t really do one-night-stands usually, and this way we still don’t. I’m pretty sure this isn’t how one-night-stands work.”

Their feet brushed together under the table and neither pulled away. Dan almost felt like he was on a first date, slightly uncomfortable but in a good way, with nervous butterflies and a permanent blush on his face. “This works just fine for me.”

“Me too.”

They grinned at each other, like two teenagers with a crush, and before he knew it Dan was reaching out and squeezing Phil’s hand. It was a brief touch that sent shivers up his arm. They’d had sex twice and yet this little moment had him blubbering like a damn sixteen-year-old.

The arrival of their food broke the magic, making them both lean away from the table to make room for the plates.

They spent the rest of the morning talking about whatever they deemed ‘casual’ enough: the food, fashion, board games, the building they passed on their way back to the hotel, and Phil’s friend’s awkward encounter with some Tinder date.

There was a bus parked right in front of the main entrance of the hotel, with blacked out windows and a driver in a suit leaning against the side. A few of the dancers, now in joggers and trainers, were rolling in their suitcases and lazily chatting amongst themselves. A few nods came in Phil’s direction when the two boys walked past the group and into the hotel.

“I have ten minutes to pack my stuff and get downstairs.”

Dan glanced at his watch, “I hadn’t even realised time was passing so quickly.”

“It’s fine. It’s not like they’ll leave me here, they might just get a bit annoyed with me.”

Dan went upstairs with him. He sat on the side of the bed and watched Phil hastily toss his clothes and toiletries into his suitcase as he tried to take in as much of the boy as he could. They wouldn’t see each other again for another year and for some reason Dan felt like he was saying goodbye to someone who meant a lot to him, even though they had only met twice.

The other bed was still empty and clearly not slept in, but the suitcase that had been next to it on the floor was gone, as were the clothes draped over the armchair in the corner of the room. Whoever Phil’s roommate had been, he’d likely sidestepped the possibility of walking in on sex by sleeping somewhere else. Dan wondered if the rest of Phil’s troupe knew about him.

“Right then.” Phil finished zipping up his case and got to his feet. The two boys left the room and rode the lift down in a silence that was only broken when they reached the front doors. “So, goodbye for now?”

“Yeah. Have a good year.”

Phil laughed, “You too. Happy New Year, happy Easter, enjoy your Summer.”

Dan kissed him. He didn’t care about the rest of the dancers who may or may not be watching through the darkened windows of the bus, or the driver and coaches waiting by the door. Phil apparently didn’t care either, because he kissed back, letting go of his suitcase to put both his hands on Dan’s hips.

Their last kiss for the year.

When they let go, Phil gave the other boy a half-smile before turning and heading for the bus.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phan smut #smut #fanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #phan au #ballet au

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Home for Christmas (Part 1 of 4)

Rating: M

Word count: 4K

[A/N] This is going to be over 20K words long, so be prepared. Hope you enjoy my Christmas mini-series!

part two -->

Schools looked weird in the evening.

The hallways were dark, lit up only by Ms Collins’ flashlight as she led the group of teenagers to her classroom. On top of it being close to seven pm, it was also December 23, the day before Christmas Eve. Twenty-two teenagers had dragged themselves out of their warm and comfortable house for the night to go watch some ballet performance of the Nutcracker with their drama teacher; something they’d signed up for back in September when it was warm out and they were optimistic and excited for Christmas.

At the back of the line Dan Howell was looking at Snapchats of a party he’d been invited to that night. Eleanor Prince was dragging him along by his arm, occasionally looking over his shoulder at his phone screen. “Hold up, is that Sophie? She said she couldn’t come to the Nutcracker because she’s sick. The bitch.”

“No offense, but if my mum hadn’t literally walked us to the doors I would have done the same thing.”

“Is it too late to say I’m sick now?”

“You’re not leaving me here alone, El. Tough it out.” He didn’t need to look over to her to know she was rolling her eyes at him.

At the end of the hallway the Emergency Exit sign lit up green and dimly illuminated the door below it. They took a left into a classroom just before it, piling onto tables and chatting quietly. The dark and silent school demanded a sort of respect that no one could explain. It felt almost ominous. Ms Collins had apparently not received this memo, as she slammed the door so hard every student in the room flinched. “Before we go to the show, I’d like to discuss the themes and story of the Nutcracker with you guys. Have any of you been to a performance before?”

If teenagers weren’t eager to speak up during actual classes, they sure as hell weren’t on Christmas break. Twenty-two sets of eyes wandered purposelessly around the room, avoiding Ms Collins’ stare at every cost. “Daniel?” She tried.

“Nope.” He responded curtly.

“Do you have any idea what it might be about?”

“No.”

She moved on to the next person with a hint of desperation, “Katie?”

With his hand shielding the screen from being spotted by the teacher Dan showed Eleanor a string of pictures one of their friends had sent him. From their group, the two of them were the only ones who’d been dumb enough to sign up for the trip. Eleanor had even been mildly excited at first, carrying her enthusiasm over to Dan who’d agreed to sign up with her. She was a fervent hip-hop dancer and had thought that watching a performance of a different type of dance would be cool. That was, however, before she’d learnt that Tia Samson was throwing a party for the entirety of their college that exact night. Tia Samson, whose parents owned a record company and who lived in a penthouse in St John’s Wood. Whom Eleanor had been trying desperately to befriend all year.

Unfortunately, Eleanor’s parents had entrusted her to the care of Dan’s mum, who had insisted on driving them and even walking them to the building to ‘make sure they would get inside safe’ because it was dark and she was overprotective.

In the twenty-five minutes it took Ms Collins to get all the answers she wanted from her unwilling students Dan caught up with exactly what had happened at the party so far. It had started around six with a large pizza buffet orchestrated by the Samsons’ ‘help’ -which was another word for ‘butler’, really- and as they were finishing up the pizzas Tia was letting people add songs to the playlist for the night and ice cream was being brought out. Dan and Eleanor had quickly eaten some pasta before leaving for school and really, life was unfair.

By the time the group made their way back to the doors through the dark hallways of Quenten Secondary School Dan was stuffing a Mars bar in his mouth that he’d found in his pocket. A sort of silent protest against Tia’s dumb party and her dumb pizza.

The school hadn’t even gotten them a bus or anything; they had to walk fifteen minutes to the theatre in the freezing cold. Eleanor hopped from one leg to the other as they waited for Ms Collins to lock the gates behind them.

At the front of the group were a couple of kids who seemed genuinely excited to be going to the ballet performance, but most them were just angry with themselves for signing up for the thing in the first place. They trotted along the pavement in the dark, hugging themselves for warmth or shoving their hands as deep into their pockets as they would go.

Dan was grumbling to himself but Eleanor paid him no mind. She pulled her woolly hat over her ears and quietly followed the crowd.

The theatre was beautifully decorated with colourful fairy lights and a huge Christmas tree in the front lobby. Dan distractedly ran his fingers over the wreath on the front desk while they were being briefed on proper behaviour during the show. He was going through the motions without listening- following his classmates to the cloakroom, hanging up his coat, and wandering after them to their seats.

He sensed that now that they were inside and warm Eleanor was starting to get excited again. She upright, slightly leaning over the chair in front of her to get a better view of the stage. Dan himself was slouched in his chair, eyes still trained on his phone. “Okay, this is kind of cool.” Eleanor said after a few minutes, grabbing Dan’s arm and shaking him slightly. “Put your phone away, it’ll start soon.”

He groaned but did as she asked. Truth be told, apart from the fact that it was making him miss Tia Samson’s party, Dan didn’t actually hate being there that much. He would never admit that much though, preferring to keep his image intact.

The lights went down. The bottom left of the curtain moved slightly, catching Dan’s eye and keeping his gaze there as the stage became visible and the dancers appeared. A boy about his own age with dark hair and a beautiful red blazer stood in the place that had caught Dan’s attention. Dan watched him as he danced for a little while before letting his gaze shift to the other dancers. He didn’t actually know the story of the Nutcracker and maybe he should’ve listened to Ms Collins’ explanation, but it was a little late for that now.

The performance was beautiful, but Dan kept that to himself. Eleanor was clearly enjoying it too, keeping a tight grasp on his arm and shaking him every time one of the dancers did a particularly difficult move. The fact that this was making her so happy was in turn making Dan happy. He grinned and shook his head as she squealed quietly, “Did you see that?”

When the break started and the lights went on Dan was almost disappointed. Almost. He dug his phone out of his pocket and caught up with the party on snapchat.

“I’m going to get a drink. Do you want something?”

“Yeah, a coke please.”

“Sure thing.”

Dan pulled his legs under his chair so Eleanor could shuffle past him, and he quickly glanced at their classmates around him before returning to his screen. They all seemed to have gotten over their initial annoyance with being there, as he and Eleanor had. Ms Collins was engaging a couple of students in a conversation, and for once her subjects did not seem to be completely loathing their existence in that moment.

At Tia’s party the karaoke machine had been broken out and Dan watched a shaky recording of his friend Alex singing Africa by Toto. He was holding a beer bottle and clearly already tipsy. By the time Dan would be home from the ballet performance he might just have enough time to get changed and head over there too. He’d missed the dinner and ice cream, but he wasn’t too late to get drunk and sing karaoke.

Eleanor returned after ten minutes with two bottles of coke and a mischievous grin plastered on her face. Dan couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow at her, “What are you smiling at?”

“I got invited to a party by one of the cute dancers.”

“A party? When?”

“Tonight. They’re having an afterparty at their hotel. Want to come?”

Dan hesitated, glancing back at his phone screen where a new snap from Sophie had just come in. A Tia Samson party was epic, but he’d never been to a hotel party before, and this might be the only chance he’d get. Plus, there’d be loads of cute girls. Worth it. “Alright.”

“I’m meeting Phil at the backdoors about an hour after the show, so that gives us enough time to go home and change. I could even do some eyeliner.”

“Phil, huh?” Dan laughed, he pulled a face at her and she stuck out her tongue.

“You’re just jealous because I’m getting laid tonight.”

“I’ll hook up with someone.” Dan huffed.

“Sure.” Eleanor said, theatrically flipping her hair over her shoulder and taking a sip of her coke.

“Shut up, you’re such a bully.”

Dan’s mum picked the two of them back up after the show. At the theatre, thank God, so they didn’t have to walk the fifteen minutes back to school in the freezing cold.

“How was it?” She asked as they got in the car.

“So good, Mrs Howell,” Eleanor beamed, “We’ve been invited to go hang out with the dancers for a bit actually. They’re really lovely.”

“Really? That sounds fun. Will there be alcohol?”

“A couple of the dancers are of age so they might be drinking, but we won’t, of course.”

Mrs Howell nodded contently. She had a sweet spot for Eleanor, and the teenagers loved to use that to their advantage. By the time they got home she had even agreed to pay for an Uber.

Eleanor slept over so often that she kept a little collection of makeup and clothes in the bottom drawer of Dan’s wardrobe. She was the only girl Dan’s parents would let sleep in his room with him, and although they probably hoped the two of them would end up together, Dan and Eleanor shuddered at the thought. They had been friends for as long as Dan could remember and kissing her would be like making out with his twin.

She sat at his desk as she applied a new layer of mascara. Dan, long done putting on a clean shirt and running a hand through his hair, was seated on the table beside her makeup, feet propped up on the chair. “What time are you coming over tomorrow?” He asked.

“Before lunch.” She responded. She blinked a few times and held the pocket mirror closer to her eye. “It’s not Christmas Eve if I miss your mum’s pigs in blankets.”

On the day of Christmas Eve Eleanor always came over to eat pigs in blankets and make Christmas ornaments with Dan and his mum. They’d started the tradition back when doing crafts with your mum was still cool, but by the time they’d grown out of crafts in general, they had also grown attached to their tradition. And so the Howells’ tree was filled with homemade ornaments, and the mantle over the fireplace featured a line-up of clay figurines.

Just after eleven the Uber dropped them off at the hotel. One of the dancers, Mia Bright picked them up in the lobby and took them upstairs to the hallway all their rooms were on. The main party was taking place in the room of the boy who danced the part of the Nutcracker and one of the background dancers. At first glance it looked pretty chilled; teens lounging around with drinks and some music playing in the background, but on top of the mini fridge were three bottles of liquor. The night was young and the cards were open.

Eleanor sat down on the floor with some boys and was immediately handed a drink. Just as Dan was looking around the room to see where the most girls were gathered, he was invited to join the people on the bed. Half boys, half girls. Could be worse. He picked up a beer and leaned back against the headboard.

He chatted to them for a while, complimenting them on their performance and asking about their tour. One of the girls did some dance moves for him, putting on a show and obviously flirting. She was pretty, with long blonde hair and a lowcut top, and Dan didn’t mind in the slightest.

The emptier the bottles of liquor got, the looser the group. Some other people squeezed themselves between the teens on the bed and they started playing a half-hearted game of Truth or Dare. Dan was tipsy, grinning widely as two girls kissed each other on a dare. The boys cheered, apart from one who shushed them and told the boy next to Dan, “I dare you to kiss him.” He pointed at Dan, who shrugged.

“Fine,” The boy turned to him, “But I’m a gentleman. I don’t kiss people whose names I don’t know.”

“I’m Dan.”

“Hi, Dan. My name is Phil.”

For a second Dan thought about the fact that this boy in front of him was probably the one Eleanor had her eye on. Then his thoughts were interrupted by his lips.

Phil put his hand on the back of Dan’s neck and pulled him in. He kept him close for a good few seconds, and when they finally pulled apart they grinned at each other. Kissing boys was very different from kissing girls, but not in a bad way. Over Phil’s shoulder Dan saw Eleanor watching them. He mouthed a ‘sorry’ at her, but as a response she pointed to the boy next to her and shrugged. She’d moved on.

Maybe it was the alcohol coursing through his veins, but for the next fifteen minutes Dan was awfully aware of the fact that his leg was touching Phil’s. He kept glancing over to him, and his dumb intoxicated brain was noticing things he usually only noticed in girls. Like the wrinkles by his eyes when he laughed, and the way he bit the inside of his cheek absentmindedly.

“We’re out of booze.” A bottle was chucked at the bed and some of the teenagers ducked to dodge it.

“There’s more in mine and Cal’s room. Dan and I will go get it.” Phil didn’t give Dan the chance to speak for himself, simply getting off the bed and expecting him to follow. He did.

“You good?” Phil pulled a keycard out of his pocket and led them into a room.

“Yeah, man.”

The room was messy, clothes strewn about the place and an open suitcase lying on one of the beds.

“You into guys?”

It was a sudden question to which the answer should’ve been a decisive ‘no’, but Dan found himself shrugging, not able to get the negation over his lips after he’d just had those thoughts about this boy’s features.

“I am.” Phil took some bottles out from under a bed and put them on top of the duvet. “You, included.”

Dan was flustered but didn’t let it show, “I tend to have that kind of effect on people.”

“You’re not sure if you like guys, are you?”

Another shrug.

“Want to find out?”

“Suppose that wouldn’t hurt.”

Before he knew it he was backed against the bathroom door with hands on his waist and Phil’s forehead pressed against his own. “I feel like you might be.” Phil said softly, pushing his hips forward.

Dan’s breath caught in his throat. “Convince me.”

Phil kissed him. Messily and aggressively, with Dan struggling to keep up.

Fingers teased at the hem of his jumper and caught bits of exposed skin here and there. Goosebumps rose up on his abdomen as a familiar warmth tugged at the bottom of his stomach. He finally regathered his own agency, lifting his hands and experimentally putting them on Phil’s shoulders first. He wasn’t sure where you were supposed to touch a boy when kissing them. Girls were easy: you just touched their boobs. He racked his brain in an attempt to remember where girls usually touched him, and eventually just settled for running his hands down from Phil’s shoulders to his chest, and then down to his belly. He was toned, a dancer’s body, muscles hard under Dan’s fingertips.

Phil easily took control over him. He’d never expected that he would be so eager to give it up, especially to another boy.

There was a knock on the door that scared them both out of their excited daze. Phil backed away, straightening his shirt before checking the peephole, “Friends.” He said.

Dan picked up the bottles as the other opened the door. A few of the dancers tumbled into the room, grumbling about the lack of alcohol in the party room. “Seriously, what’s taking you guys so long?”

But the girl at the back of the group grinned and winked knowingly at Dan when he handed her the liquor. His cheeks turned pink, quickly turning away. “You’re not coming with us?” A boy asked.

“No thanks.” Phil said, a mischievous smile decorating his pretty features. He closed the door behind his friends and turned back to Dan, “So, where were we?”

The interruption had given Dan time to think. A moment for his brain to catch up with what his body had been doing. “Eh, maybe we should get back to the party?”

“Really?” Phil didn’t seem disappointed as much as genuinely surprised.

Dan tugged at the hem of his jumper, “They’ll think we hooked up.”

“Do you mind that?”

He shrugged.

“We can go back if you want. I’ll deny anything happened between us.”

It was the Out Dan thought he wanted, but now that it was on the table it didn’t feel right. He glanced at the door. He could leave if he wanted; Phil wasn’t keeping him here. But passing up the opportunity to mess around with this hot person who was literally offering himself to him, even though that hot person was a guy, felt like a wholly irresponsible decision. And so he made a dismissive gesture with his hand and said, “Well, they already think we hooked up. Might as well actually do it.”

“Are you sure? We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

“Have you seen yourself? Rejecting you would be a crime.”

Phil grinned, “You’re not so bad yourself.” He stepped closer and reached up, fingers brushing the side of Dan’s neck. That alone was enough to make Dan feel like the whole interruption had never happened. He was as wound up and desperate as he’d been just a few minutes before, and he grabbed Phil’s hips and pulled him close as he started kissing him.

This time it didn’t take long for them to stumble towards the bed. Dan fell onto his back, Phil leaning over him on his elbows. They were both more confident now, and Dan slipped his hands under Phil’s shirt without hesitating. Guys’ bodies were so different from girls’ bodies and his fingers explored the new landscape. Phil dropped his hips, his lower body now fully leaning on Dan’s, and the latter could feel his cock twitch against his own through their jeans. A shiver went up his spine as he pulled him closer.

Phil rolled off him, and Dan was about to protest when the other’s hands moved to his jeans and made quick work of his belt. They were both impatient, pulling at each other’s clothes until they decided to just do it themselves. Dan kicked off his jeans and pulled his shirt over his head. When he looked back to Phil the latter had just pulled a bottle of lube out of one of the suitcases on the floor. “Move to that bed,” he instructed, “making out on Ryan’s bed is something, but taking off trousers is a whole other thing.”

They kissed for a few seconds but then Phil was tired of waiting and wrapped his fingers around Dan’s cock. Dan shivered and followed his lead after a moment. He may not know where to put his hands on a boy’s torso, but he definitely knew what to do with his hands near a penis. He moved slowly, slower than he would for himself, and softly brushed his thumb over the tip. Phil made a sound that echoed through Dan’s body and made his abdomen tighten.

Their foreheads touched, breaths mixing together in the air between them as they touched each other. Both were too out of breath to kiss, but that didn’t stop them from trying a few times, exchanging sloppy kisses and moaning into them.

When Dan’s hand started stuttering, Phil pushed him onto his back and kissed his way down the boy’s torso as he sped up his hand.

Dan’s head fell back as he came onto his own stomach, panting and grabbing at the sheets. Phil worked him through it until the boy under him relaxed. He took a second to collect himself, then turned his attention back to Phil.

He made quick work of him, leaning over him and moving fast. Phil’s hands traced the muscles on his back, and when he got close his nails dug into Dan’s skin. Dan didn’t mind, biting his lip and resting his forehead in the nook of Phil’s shoulder. He didn’t raise his head until Phil came, and he watched the pleasure wash over him, his jaw slacking and eyes closing.

Dan rolled off him and for a few minutes they quietly lied on their backs next to each other.

“That was good.” Dan broke the silence.

“Yeah?” Phil laughed. He reached out and brushed the back of Dan’s hand with his fingertips.

“Yeah. Maybe I’m kind of into guys.”

“I’m irresistible.” Phil said.

They pushed themselves up off the bed and headed into the bathroom to clean themselves up. They moved slowly, lazily splashing water on themselves and brushing arms whenever they moved by each other.

When they walked back into the main party room all eyes were on them, knowing looks being cast their way. Eleanor, now sat on the bed with some girls, grinned at Dan, who returned her grin but averted his gaze quickly.

“D’you have a good night, Lester?” One of the boys shouted. Some others cheered and Dan felt his cheeks go red.

“Yeah man, when’s the last time you had a night as fun as mine?”

That shut him right up. There was laughter around the room as everything settled down. Dan sat with Eleanor, somehow comforted by her familiarity. He felt a bit uneasy with the notion that everyone in the room knew that he’d just messed around with another guy, even though no one really seemed to care that much. Not even Eleanor, surprisingly.

When he was handed some sort of vodka-and-coke-combination he loosened up, downing it quickly and getting another glass right after. Who even cared about whom he had sex with?

He fell asleep on the bathroom floor at four thirty in the morning.

#phan #phan smut #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #phan au #nutcracker au

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Kids in the Dark

Summary: Two solo artists on an American tour keep each other company during the evenings with some video games. And some more.

Rating: Teens

Word Count: 5.3K

[A/N] Written for @phandomficfests: Tour II fest. Many thanks to Kit for beta’ing this for me!! (Also, I woke up at 4:30AM and realised I hadn’t posted this yet, so here it is. I’m exhausted.)

Backstage was bustling with tech crew and artists waiting to go on with guitars in hand. Just off the side of the main stage was Dan Howell, fiddling with a plectrum between his thumb and index finger. The band that was on was rounding up their set. Dan had been in the same place to watch them for three days in a row now, and although he didn’t know any of their music he recognised the chorus as that of their last song.

“Hey, you’re on next, aren’t you?” A hand on his shoulder made him jump and drop his plectrum.

“Yeah, I am.” He said, bending down to pick it up.

Phil Lester, a bit of a legend on the scene, was grinning down at him as he straightened up. “Nice, man. I’m on after you.”

“I’ll hype up the crowd for you. Although they’re looking good tonight already.”

“Yeah, suppose Ben had a hand in that.” Phil motioned over to the man with bright red hair in the middle of the stage who was just jumping up onto one of the amplifiers.

They watched together for a few seconds, before Phil turned to him and said, “Are you playing Monkeys tonight?”

“Yeah, I am. Second to last song.”

Phil nodded, “One of my favourites.” Dan had met Phil a couple of times before, but he hadn’t expected the other man to have listened to his music enough to have an opinion on it. The surprise must have showed on his face, because Phil laughed, “You have some good tunes, man.”

“Thanks, mate.” Before he could stop himself, he added, “You should come on and do the chorus with me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. That would really get the crowd zazzed.”

Phil laughed, “Get them zazzed, huh?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, laughing along.

“Alright, cool. I’ll be standing over here anyway. Just announce me or whatever and I’ll come on. I’ll get a mic while you play.”

King Red came off the stage and they both stepped aside to let the band pass. Techs started getting to work replacing instruments and sets, telling Dan he had about five minutes to sort out Phil’s appearance in his set. “So how about you come in at the end of the bridge and sing the chorus right after, and then we sing the last chorus together?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

As they waited for the techs to finish their task Dan was kept busy by artists coming up to him and wishing him luck. It was a nice little Distorted Tour tradition that he liked to participate in himself as well: he had been wandering around the grounds wishing musicians about to go on the different stages the best and patting their shoulders. In return, those artists were now dropping by the side of the main stage to reciprocate.

“Time.” Someone shouted. A guitar was pushed into Dan’s hands and he had just enough time to put the strap around his neck before he stepped out to a roaring crowd.

It was a feeling like no other. Adrenaline shot through his veins as his heart picked up, beating at double its normal rate. As far as he could see the crowd stretched out in front of him, full of excited and sweaty faces. There was thousands of people who had been partying for hours and were more than happy to keep going for another few. The band behind him launched into his first song and Dan’s mind went blank, as he let the music flow through him.

Just before he started Monkeys he glanced to the side of the stage where he found Phil lightly jumping up and down to get himself pumped up. He was holding a mic and had his head tilted to listen to the man next to him, Jack the stage director, as he prepared to go on.

“Ladies and gents, Phil Lester!”

Loud roaring followed from the crowd. Dan stepped back just as Phil ran on, jumped up on an amplifier and launched into the chorus. With someone else taking the vocals Dan took on the lead guitar role for a bit, which was something he rarely got to do as a solo artist.

Swinging the guitar onto his back Dan stepped up to the mic and sang the final chorus with Phil. It really was something else to hear a crowd of thousands of people shout lyrics you wrote back at you. Phil understood. Their eyes met for a moment and they grinned at each other in a silent recognition.

The final chords played and resonated over the open field as Phil pulled Dan into a quick hug and yelled in his ear, “Thanks, mate. I’ll see you backstage after the show, yeah?”

Dan nodded at him, squeezing his shoulder, before Phil turned and walked off stage, waving at the crowd as he did so.

It had got dark around them. Most of the artists had finished their performances and left for the camping grounds to do drinks, party, or just go back to their bus. From where Dan was sat on an amplifier with a bottle of water he could see both Phil on the main stage and catch glimpses of Poetic Thursdays on Stage 2 behind him. His manager Sofia had been by for a chat, but she was now leaning against some technical equipment as she talked to Phil’s manager.

He was tired.

The polite thing to do would be to invite Phil to get some drinks, but what he really wanted to do was lie down on the sofa in the back of his bus and watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine reruns until he fell asleep. Sofia had told him to get a quick beer – “fifteen minutes, Dan, then you can come back to the bus and relax”-, and he would, as he always did when Sofia told him to do something. He ran a hand over his face and rubbed the corners of his eyes with his fingertips.

Phil was rounding up his set as the clock neared half eleven. Stage 2 would be continuing till midnight, but main stage was closing after this set, and Stage 3 had already finished up a few minutes before. Dan hopped up to go and wish the final band going on Stage 2 luck, dragging his tired body along. His sweaty hair had just about dried from his own performance and had now settled into curls that fell over his forehead and prickled at his eyes. Even more than he was looking forward to getting back to his bus he was excited to put on a hoodie. It was quite cold now that the sun had gone down.

“Nice set, man.”

“You too, Luce.” Dan exchanged back pats with another solo artist on her way to Stage 2. The two of them made their way over together as they approached the band standing by the side of the stage. Lucy seemed to know the members and gave Dan quick introduction.

“I’d invite you to come party with us later, but you look like you’re about to go crash into your bunk and lose consciousness for a couple of hours.” The front man joked.

Dan laughed, “Sounds about right, yeah. Have a good night, guys. Smash it.”

“I’m going to stick around for their performance.” Lucy said. Grinning, she added, “Sleep well.”

The music had already stopped by the time Dan got back to the main stage. Phil, his manager and Sofia were just meeting backstage and he was pulled into the little circle. “You coming for drinks?” Dan asked. He accompanied his words with a friendly punch to Phil’s shoulder.

“Yeah, sure.”

The two of them hopped off the platform, the managers trailing behind them as they left for the tents.

“Good set, man. Loved the show.”

“Thanks, you weren’t too bad yourself.” Phil smiled at him through the dim light coming from the lamps lining the sides of the pathway.

“Thanks. So, do you have a bar preference?”

“To be honest with you, I don’t usually go to any of the parties or anything after sets.” Phil admitted.

“Really? Why not?”

“I’m tired, man.” Phil said, laughing.

“Are you tired right now? We don’t need to go for drinks if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, it’s fine, really. I don’t mind. I could go for a drink.”

Dan grabbed his arm, bringing them both to a halt, “Okay, so how about we go back to my bus, have some drinks and play a round of Mario Kart, and then go to sleep?”

Despite the darkness Dan could see Phil’s eyes light up beside him, “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I don’t usually party either. I’m more of a ‘watch some TV and fall asleep before 1AM’ kind of guy.”

“Alright, great.”

They turned, setting course for the encampment in the other direction.

“Where are you guys going?” Sofia’s voice only came a minute after their change of plans. She’d probably been too engulfed in conversation to notice earlier, and when Dan shouted their intentions back she shrugged and continued on to the bars with Phil’s manager. As long as Dan was honouring his duties by offering Phil a drink it was all fine by her.

The camping field was resting in a quiet twilight. Small groups of artists were leaning against buses smoking cigarettes or speaking in hushed tones as Dan and Phil passed by. Phil had his hands pushed into his pockets giving quick nods to people he knew, trailing a few steps behind Dan who led the way. He had been playing Distorted Tour for years and he didn’t just know the other artists, but most of the crew too. Fans who met him always insisted he was such a lovely guy in real life, and the fact that he remembered everyone’s names and faces was a testimony for that.

The two men hopped up into Dan’s bus and walked to the sofa in the back. “Make yourself at home. Want a beer?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Phil sat down and grabbed a PlayStation controller from the shelf as Dan went to the tiny kitchen at the front of the bus. “So, Mario Kart?”

“Yeah, I was thinking that, but I’ve got some other games up on the shelf if you prefer any of those.” Dan said. When he came back with two bottles of beer Phil had kicked off his shoes and was stood on the sofa to reach the highest shelf. His fingers were running over the titles on the covers. Dan put the bottles on the coffee table, took off his trainers and hopped up next to Phil, “Anything good?”

“Yeah, I love me some Halo.” Phil pulled out a game and read the back.

“That’s a good one. This one’s another favourite of mine.” Dan said, tapping one of the Final Fantasy games.

“That entire series is legendary, to be fair.”

They settled on Mario Kart anyway, plopping down on the sofa and settling in with their feet propped up on the coffee table.

Dan was happy to have a videogame buddy for the night, given he’d been playing alone for the first week or so of the tour. Occasionally Sofia would play a couple of rounds with him, but she got bored easily and would leave him to it, and other times a few of the crew members joined in. He’d played more FIFA over the past seven days than he had in the whole year before, which said a lot about how desperate he had been for some company.

Phil was better than Dan had expected. After three consecutive losses Dan took his feet off the table and sat leant forward with his elbows on his knees, eyes narrowed and focused on the screen. “Alright, it’s on now.”

Phil laughed, “Bring it on, Danny boy.” He stayed relaxed, even took a swig of his beer and navigated the menu onehanded at the same time.

After Dan won the next two games, they were interrupted by Sofia who popped her head in to say she was back and would just be taking a shower and retiring to her bunk. Phil invited her to play a round, but she politely declined, winking at Dan when the other man had turned his head back to the TV.

Phil won their little tournament 16-14 and at 2:30 in the morning he was finally putting his shoes back on and getting ready to leave for his own bus. The two of them were exhausted, the rest of the crew having got back already and gone to sleep.

“Well, this got a bit out of hand.” Phil whispered, stepping onto the grass in the cold Summer night. Dan was half hanging out the door, his arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to keep himself warm.

“It was worth it though.”

“Yeah.” Phil nodded for a second before adding, “So, same time tomorrow?”

Dan’s eyes lit up, “Yeah, definitely.”

“Alright, see you tomorrow.”

Dan watched Phil walked back to his bus, losing sight of him when he disappeared around a corner. He saw the motion sensor activated lights by the sides of the walkway turn on underneath one of the buses in the distance, tracing Phil’s path. The breeze eventually made him step back in and pull the door shut. Too tired to shower, he went straight to his bunk.

Dan got to sleep in till nearly noon, as his soundcheck was at two. He made the trek to the tents in his sweats and slippers to get some breakfast and enjoyed the morning sun on his bare chest. It was only twelve and it had already heated up a lot since the middle of the night when he’d seen Phil off.

“Morning, dude. Wild night last night?” Sam Collins, head of the tech crew, was just scooping up some grilled cheese toasties onto a paper plate at the buffet.

“Something like that.” Dan grinned. He grabbed a plate and joined the queue.

“Didn’t see you around the party. Though I did leave quite early.”

“Oh, I didn’t hang around here. I took the party back to my bus.”

“Really? Sick, dude.”

Dan ran his hand over his face. He could feel his tiredness in his eyes and made a half-hearted attempt to shake it out of his limbs.

“Coffee?”

“Yeah, please.” Dan took it gratefully. “How are you doing, anyway? Feel like I haven’t spoken to you in forever.”

Alexa grinned, leaning against the table that held the coffee machine, “You know, same old, same old.”

He stood and chatted to her for a while as he ate his bagel. He and Alexa went way back to Dan’s first year on Distorted, three years ago, when she had taken him under her wing and guided him through his debut on Stage 3. Now he had worked himself up to main stage and she had worked herself up to main stage opener. They spoke occasionally over text outside of Distorted, but really, most of their friendship was based within the tour encampment and acted out over cups of coffee backstage.

“Hey, I heard you hung out with Phil last night. How’s he doing? I’ve barely seen him all tour.”

If Dan thought he and Alexa had known each other a while, Phil and Alexa went even further back. The two of them had both featured in the line-up of the first ever Distorted Tour seven years earlier. They’d both been barely twenty and eager for their big break. Over the years they’d become somewhat of a phenomenon in the media and questions about the nature of their relationship always hung in the air. Dan had never asked Alexa about it but seeing as she’d dated several people in secret over the past few years he figured there was probably nothing romantic there.

She seemed casual as she asked about him. Amicable curiosity out of genuine interest rather than a question with an agenda.

“He’s good, I think,” Dan responded, “we played Mario Kart and he’s pretty good at it. He beat me.”

She laughed, “Yeah, I’m sure he did. He’s into his video games.”

“He’s really nice. He featured in one of my songs during my set last night.”

“Oh, really? I left early to meet a friend in the city, so I saw half of the set after mine and nothing else. I’ll be around tonight, though. I’ll come see your sets.”

“I watched yours last night. The crowd really loves you.”

She beamed at him as she nodded.

Dan went up to the main stage early that evening. He’d taken a long shower, washed his hair, and was now wearing a baby pink shirt that he knew his fans loved.

As he walked past the fences people ran up or screamed at him from afar. The night was young and the energy was through the roof. He waved at the fans, hopping up on the elevated platform by the main stage and climbing onto an amplifier.

Alexa wasn’t on yet, so he sat turned to the crowd, his legs dangling off the side, as he communicated wordlessly with the enormous group of people. The sun was warming the back of his neck, he was comfortably leaning back onto his arms, and swarms of people were beaming up at him and proclaiming their love. It was bound to be a good night.

“Hey,” Dan turned around just as Alexa climbed on up next to him. The crowd in front of them went wild watching the two artists settle down next to each other and speak in hushed tones unheard to anyone but them. “you coming to watch me open?”

“Yeah, I’m excited.”

“Me too, tonight’s going to be a good one.”

Alexa was set to go on in twenty minutes, and behind them techs started getting to work setting up the stage for her.

Just as Dan was turning back to the crowd, they started screaming louder than before. He didn’t get a chance to ask Alexa what was happening, as a hand squeezed his shoulder and Phil’s face appeared, “Hey guys.”

“Hey, Phil, come sit with us.” Alexa scooted over to make room and the three of them sat together, tapping their heels against the amplifier to the beat of the song that was playing over the speakers.

When Alexa stood up, ruffled the boys’ hair, and left for the stage, Dan and Phil moved in to sit next to each other, “Did you watch her yesterday, too?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head, “I was hanging with some of the crew back at my bus. But I can’t go too long without watching her perform; she’s incredible.”

“She really is,” Phil grinned, looking over to where Alexa was just taking the stage, “I played a couple songs with her on her tour last Fall. The energy at her shows is epic, man, really. So many crowd surfers.”

The two of them watched and bopped their heads along to her set, softly singing under their breaths until they realised they were both doing it. They both grinned, upping their volume more and more, their voices reaching each other even over the loud music coming from the speaker. During the especially upbeat chorus of Alexa’s fifth song Phil jumped up and started dramatically performing along, and of course Dan wouldn’t let himself be outdone like that.

He propped himself up on his knees to feign the guitar solo that followed. The crowd was loving it, but neither of them really noticed. They were engrossed in each other, in their little game, and didn’t come to their senses until Alexa finished the song and announced she would be ‘slowing things down for a bit’, starting a soft acoustic song with her own guitar hanging off her neck.

Usually when Dan felt hyper and pumped up after the stage had been closed he went to the bars to use up his excessive energy by playing drinking games and drunken tag with the other artists. Today, however, he was excited to funnel it into a strong, competitive game of Mario Kart.

He was like a small child, jumping up and down next to Phil who was trying to have a quick chat with some people before they would leave for the bus. When Phil finally turned away and gave Dan a nod, Dan immediately called out, “Race you there.” And took off.

And although Phil rolled his eyes, he immediately set in on the chase.

“Really? You’re going to…. Make me run…. After such a long day?” Phil put his hands on his knees, pressing his forehead against the cool side of the tour bus. “I’m old.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yeah, the moment I started…. I regretted it… but I couldn’t back out.”

They stood and caught their breath for a few moments before Dan unlocked the door and let them both into the bus.

Phil knew where to go. While Dan went to get them drinks Phil kicked of his trainers in the back of the bus and settled down on the sofa. By the time Dan joined him he was sat with his feet propped up on the coffee table, a PlayStation controller in his hands, and the TV already on and botting up the game.

“Are you in a hurry?”

“Yeah, I’ve waited all day to beat you again.”

“Aw, it’ll be an unpleasant night for you then.”

“Really, how so?”

“Ain’t nobody going to beat me tonight.” Dan said, trying to hide his grin.

“The only way I won’t beat you is if you’re not playing, Mr Howell.”

“Playing? You think this is a game?” He sat up, his eyes narrowed, as he put his index finger close to Phil’s face, “I’m dead serious.”

Phil was the first to crack. He opened his mouth to give a snarky response but started laughing before he could get a word out, and the moment his face changed Dan joined in and broke his character.

Nonetheless, the two of them took their tournament so seriously that by the time either one of them remembered to take a sip of their beer it had gone lukewarm. They drank it anyway, holding it between their thighs while they played and taking quick gulps in between games.

By 3AM they had each had a couple of beers and were struggling to be quiet. The crew members Dan shared his bus with had retired to their bunks for the nightly drive, and they’d already been told to ‘shut the fuck up’ twice now. They’d giggled like school children both times.

The scores were a mystery, but both insisted they were winning. Dan was making some grand statement, tapping the side of his controller against Phil’s chest with each syllable, but lost his train of thought midsentence and got a hearty laugh as a response.

“Shut up.” Dan said, his words slightly slurred.

“You’re cute.”

If anything was going to sober them both up within seconds it was those words.

“Excuse me?”

Phil shrugged, trying to play it cool.

“I’m cute, huh?” Dan had what could only be described as a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

“Play the dumb game.”

“No, you think I’m cute.” Dan was shaking his head just a little bit harder than strictly necessary, as was to be expected from someone who’d had a couple of beers and was probably drunk both off alcohol and sleep deprivation.

“What about it?”

And in his dumb, drunken state, Dan dropped his controller, took Phil’s face between both his hands, and kissed him right on his lips.

The other man was too surprised – and maybe too drunk - to react immediately, but after a couple of seconds he put his hand on the side of Dan’s neck and returned the kiss. His controller fell onto the sofa somewhere, completely forgotten about.

Dan managed to sit up onto his knees, pushing Phil into the back of the sofa as he leaned over him. Really, the only thing holding his swaying body steady were Phil’s hands that were now both firmly planted on his hips to keep him right side up. The bus was suddenly awfully quiet, the silence only broken by the bus’s running engine and the upbeat Mario Kart jingle coming from the TV that was making the atmosphere just slightly strange.

“What are we doing?” Phil muttered against Dan’s lips.

“I don’t know,” came the response from Dan, who had the sense to pull away before speaking, “Got a bit carried away.”

“Yeah, let’s finish the tournament.”

And with that, they both picked up their controllers again and let the incident slip their drunken minds.

Dan woke up with a headache to serve as a reminder of the fact that he was no longer eighteen and his body wasn’t nearly as good at handling alcohol as it had once been.

He groaned, rolling over onto his side. Phil Lester was still beside him, curled up with a controller on his chest, his hand lightly gripping onto it.

Someone had turned off the TV at some point and going by the light that was coming in through the windows that might have been a while ago. As he heaved himself up on his elbows he caught a glimpse of the clock at the front of the bus. Through narrowed eyes he made out the numbers; 11:21.

Phil stirred when Dan swung his legs onto the floor, “Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“What time did we go to sleep?”

“We didn’t so much go to sleep as we were taken by sleep, I think.” Dan responded. He got to his feet, stretching out his stiff limbs. “Coffee?”

“Yeah, what time is it?”

“Nearly half eleven.”

Phil shot up, “Damn, I’m scheduled for soundcheck at twelve, and I” – he sniffed himself – “smell horrendous.”

“No one’s going to smell you when you’re up on stage.” Dan said. But Phil was already making his way through the narrow hallway to the door.

“Save me a coffee. I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Alright, man.”

After Phil popped his head in to take his cup of coffee and then immediately dashed off again, Dan didn’t see him again until that evening.

He wasn’t sure what to say when they ran into each other in the field behind the stages. Although they’d both carefully avoided the topic that morning, right now it was hanging heavy in the air between them. At least, that was how it felt to Dan. “Hey, man.” He said quietly.

“Hey, you okay?”

Dan blinked a few times as the realisation settled in that Phil felt in no way awkward about this.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Cool, are we playing again tonight?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah, of course, I’m-” He stopped, narrowing his eyes, “Wait, what’s wrong?”

“Do you remember last night?”

“Ah,” Phil had the audacity to grin, “yeah, of course I remember.”

“And you don’t feel weird about it?”

“Should I?” His face fell when he saw Dan’s serious expression.

“I don’t know. We were drunk.”

“Yeah, but it was fun.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at that, “True. Was it not a mistake?”

“Not on my part.”

“Not on mine either, I don’t think.”

“Alright. So, same time tonight? And same activity?”

“Yeah.” Dan was a bit stunned, but if Phil could read it on his expression he wasn’t showing it.

“Okay, cool. I’m going to go meet with Alexa. I’ll see you later, alright?”

“Yeah, see you later.” Dan watched Phil walk away, his eyes following the other man to the side of the main stage, where he hugged Alexa and they exchanged words he couldn’t hear. He didn’t walk away until the two disappeared out of sight.

“You two are lucky I messaged Kendall last night to tell him Phil was in our bus.” Sofia told Dan as he stood, sweaty, by the side of the main stage close to midnight. “I texted him at one, just before we were set to hit the road, and he had no idea. Had been calling and texting the guy non-stop.”

“Oops.” Dan responded.

“‘Oops’ is right. Make sure the people who need to know, know where you both are next time you have a fling.”

“Excuse me?” Dan said, his face going slightly red.

Sofia’s serious façade broke and she laughed, “You think I didn’t notice? You’ve got to be more careful if you want things to be a secret, love.”

“I was being careful.”

“Yeah, we all make out with our buddies on the sofa at 3AM.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. This isn’t a reprimand. At least, not really. It’s only a reprimand for the not letting people know where you are part. The hooking up part is entirely your own business; you’re a big boy.”

Dan rolled his eyes but laughed, “Yeah, thanks for that one, Sofia.”

She squeezed his shoulder with a grin as she turned on her heel and walked away.

Beside him, Phil was just finishing up his set. As the man ran off stage under loud applause Dan grabbed the bottle of water he’d brought off the amplifier he was stood beside and offered it to the sweaty artist.

“Thanks.” Phil muttered.

For a few moments they stood next to each other in silence as Phil caught his breath and gulped down half the bottle of water in one go. Then, Dan said, “So, you too tired to get your arse kicked tonight?”

“Are you kidding? I was born for this. Let me say bye to some people and I’ll be right with you.” Phil responded, he looked around, eyes already scanning the field for people he knew, “Or you can come with me. I’ll be quick.”

Dan shrugged. The two of them hopped off the platform and made their way over to some band members by the side of Stage 2. It was pitch black out, but the area behind the stages was brightly illuminated by a generous number of lights scattered around the premises. Dan looked at the sky as he trailed behind Phil, taking in the dark grey clouds and the few stars that had managed to make themselves seen despite them.

The two men went by a couple of groups of people. Dan said little, sticking to friendly nods at people he knew, and a quick hug for Luce.

The last person Phil wanted to say goodnight to was Alexa, who was by Stage 3 to hang out with a band who had supported her on her Fall tour months earlier. Dan vaguely recognised them but couldn’t recall their name.

“Hey, man. Sorry I missed your set tonight. I was watching The Roots play their first ever Distorted Tour set.”

“All good, no worries.” Phil said, he looked at the band members, “Congrats on your Distorted debut.” he smiled.

“Thanks, we’re going to celebrate with a lot of beer.” The front man joked.

“Do you want to join the party? I haven’t seen you around the bars all tour. It’ll be fun.”

Phil glanced over at Dan before looking back at her with a grin, “You know what,” he said, “Thanks for the invitation, but I have plans for tonight. And it looks like it’s going to be plenty of fun.”

Just behind him, Dan was forced to look off to the side in an attempt to stay casual. Nevertheless, a knowing grin spread over his features.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #phan au #phandomficfests #tour II

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Note

Do you take asks/prompts?? If you do please can you write like a fluff fic where Dan has body insecurities (nothing too major, mainly about his stomach + hair) and he keeps having breakdowns secretly at night about he thinks he’s worthless and ugly and stuff like that, and Phil finds out and is there to comfort him and extra points if they cuddle and Phil wraps his arms round Dan and Dan feels protected and then it has a happy ending and Dan realised he’s worth the world to Phil. Thanks!

I do indeed take prompts, thanks for sending one in!! You can find the fic on Tumblr here and on AO3 here. Hope you like it!! :)

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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You’re Alright, Love, You’re Alright

Summary: Even after all those years the comments could get to Dan sometimes.

Genre: Hurt/comfort

Rating: Gen

Word Count: 1K

[A/N] Title taken from You’re Alright by Bry.

Being aware of the fact that he had put on some weight did nothing to stop the comments about it hurting.

Dan was stood leaning against the doorpost, one foot on the bathroom tiles and one on the hallway floor. The apartment was dark around him, lit up only by the dim screen of his phone in his hand. He had rolled out of bed to tiptoe to the toilet fifteen minutes ago now but was still not back. Comment after comment about his weight flashed by under his thumb, alternated with the occasional tweet from someone telling other fans to stop talking about it, as Dan might see it. Their attempts were no use.

He had started sleeping with a shirt on again. If Phil had noticed he hadn’t said anything, and Dan was glad of it because he had no idea what he would respond if he did.

Lifting up the hem of his shirt he turned his phone around and pointed the light source at his stomach. Almost immediately he turned it away again, half from disgust and half from annoyance with himself. He didn’t want to care about his weight, knowing fully well that it was just his new medication doing this, and he needed those pills. Needed them more than he needed to be thin.

The dumbest part was that this wasn’t the first night he had found himself caught reading strangers’ opinions on his body instead of sleeping. The night before he had slipped into bed after Phil had already fallen asleep and had lay awake curled on his side to stop the lit-up phone screen from waking his boyfriend up. There were so many comments that the hundreds he had read last night had already disappeared and had been replaced by hundreds of new ones, all saying essentially the same thing. And yet, he couldn’t stop reading them.

Knowing he would be here a while, he sank down onto the floor and pulled his knees into his chest, leaning on them with his chin. The wall was cold against his back, sending a shiver down his spine despite the thin shirt between him and the bricks.

He had just sunk back into his daze when he heard the patter of bare feet on linoleum. His head shot up, but he was too late to do something about the sight Phil was about to walk in on. The two men made eye contact and despite the darkness Dan could see Phil squinting at him, “what are you doing here?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Dan couldn’t even think of an excuse. Tears pricked behind his eyes and goddamn if he was going to cry right now. Over this. He just shrugged and moved over a little when Phil sat down next to him. For a minute or so they read those hurtful words together, somehow stronger now that they weren’t dealing with them alone. Then Phil looked over and said, in that same soft voice, “is this what’s been keeping you up?”

Dan nodded, throat too closed up to form any words.

“Reading these doesn’t do anything.” He reached for the phone and Dan let him take it. “I understand why you care and why it bothers you, but this won’t change anything. Those comments will be there whether you read them or not, and really, there’s no point to reading them.” He grinned at himself, “I’m not being very coherent, I’m tired.”

“You’re right,” Dan whispered, “I know the only person I’m bothering with this is myself, but I just can’t stop.”

“Well,” Phil said, getting to his feet and offering Dan his hand, “seems like the best way to get you to stop reading those dumb comments is taking your phone off you. At least for now. We’re going to sleep, and your phone is going on my side of the bed.”

“Who gave you the authority?” Dan joked, following his boyfriend back to their room. He watched as Phil put both their phones in the drawer of his bedside table before getting under the sheets.

“You know whose opinion matters?” Phil asked. He was speaking quietly as their faces were close together, foreheads almost touching.

“Yours?” Dan guessed.

“No,” Phil said. He laughed, “maybe mine too. But that’s not who I mean.”

“Mine?”

“Exactly. Your opinion matters. Unless it’s negative, in which case it doesn’t matter either.”

“If mine doesn’t even matter anymore, then no one’s opinion matters.”

“My opinion will count for the both of us, because I, for one, love your body.” Phil’s hands moved to touch Dan’s sides, slipping under his shirt. Dan shivered but didn’t resist. “It’s working hard to make those pills work and to make you feel stronger. I appreciate that a lot, so I will respect this body no matter what it looks like. The fact that it just so happens to look gorgeous is just a plus.”

“You’re being sappy.” Dan said weakly. He was smiling though, and miraculously, he was starting to feel better. He felt Phil shrug and then press a kiss to Dan’s nose.

“Go back to sleep, okay? We can talk about this in the morning if you want to.”

After this, Dan didn’t think he needed to. Maybe he needed to cuddle about it, though, as they were doing now. He shuffled a little closer to press his body against his boyfriend’s and sighed contently as Phil’s arms came up to wrap around him.

It was a wholly impractical position to fall asleep in, but they both needed this. Needed the comfort of the other close to them. Phil’s hand slowly traced up and down Dan’s back as he fell asleep.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #phan fluff

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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All They Wanted

Summary: Two pop punk fans meet at a concert and spend a little too much time in a public toilet together.

Rating: Mature

Genre: AU + smut

Word Count: 2.9K

[A/N] Written for @phanfichallenge, the Phandom Writing Challenge 7: the Songfic challenge. Song: All I Want by A Day to Remember. Beta’d by Sam (thank you!!).

“Thanks.” Phil held his new shirt to his chest as he moved through the masses, away from the merch table. In a quiet spot by the cloakroom he pulled his jumper over his head and stuffed it in his backpack. When he looked up to pick up his new shirt, he found a boy watching him. He averted his gaze when their eyes met, but Phil had already seen him.

“Enjoying the view?” He joked, face flushing.

Fortunately, the boy picked up on his attitude, “Yeah, I have a big thing for skinny white boys.”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh at that and he shook his head as he pulled the shirt on. “Well, I have a thing for voyeurs, so you’re in luck.”

“I don’t seem to be in luck, you’ve put your shirt on.”

Okay, so this guy was cute and joking around with him, but was this flirting or just friendly banter? Phil was exceptionally bad at distinguishing the two.

When he moved over to the counter to hand his bag off, the boy followed at a comfortable distance.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked when Phil turned back around to face him.

Okay, so flirting it is.

“Definitely.”

As they made their way to the bar, Phil kept stealing glances at the boy next to him; at the way his curls kept falling into his eyes and how a few lines of a tattoo peeked out of his shirt when he moved.

They both ordered a beer and sat down on the bar stools. “What’s your name?” Phil asked, leaning back and bringing the glass to his lips.

“Dan.”

“I’m Phil. Nice to meet you.”

“You too. Is this your first A Day To Remember show?”

“Nah, I followed them around for a few weeks last summer.”

“In the States?”

“Yeah, it was cool.”

“Wow, mate. This is my first time seeing them, but I appear to be in the presence of a connoisseur.”

Phil laughed, “I like the tunes. I don’t really get involved with anything else surrounding them, to be honest.”

As if on cue, a mass of loudly chattering fans walked past them, making him unable to hear the other until they’d passed. Phil liked loud music, but he wasn’t much into the loud devotees surrounding it. He watched the group leave before turning his attention back to Dan.

“So, you’re one of those guys who stands in the back and nods along?”

“Usually, though sometimes I switch things up and stand by the bar instead.”

“A show not moshed is a show not enjoyed.”

Phil laughed and clinked their glasses together, “Cheers to that.”

“Seriously, come in the pit with me tonight. I’ll show you a good time.”

“Show me a good time, huh?”

“Yep, however you want to take that.” Dan raised his eyebrows suggestively, but only managed to keep his composure for a second before breaking into a goofy grin.

“I think I’ll take you up on that.”

As the doors opened and the masses started to flood into the hall, the two men left their glasses deserted and followed the mob. When they were almost pushed away from each other, Phil reached out, grabbed Dan’s hand, and pulled him back to him. “Stay with me. You haven’t showed me a good time yet.” Phil shouted over the music, leaning in close to Dan.

Dan led them to the side of the crowd, fairly close to the stage. “Perfect entry into the pit later,” he explained. They bopped their heads along to the warmup tracks and watched stage techs set up the instruments for the opening act.

It wasn’t until they’d been standing around for nearly ten minutes that Phil realised neither had actually let go of the other’s hand. He glanced to his side for a moment, but Dan was distracted by a scuffle happening a few yards away from them. Their hands were squeezed in between their bodies where they were pushed together by the crowds, and Phil wondered if he should let go.

He didn’t.

Dan kept quite still during the opening act, jumping a few times but otherwise staying in place. He half-heartedly mouthed along to a few of the choruses but he clearly wasn’t too familiar with the band. Phil had looked them up on Spotify the day before, but they weren’t his cup of tea. Bands were always better live though, and he had to admit he was enjoying their performance. The fact that the front man was cute helped too.

A small mosh pit had opened up near the front of the audience. Phil eyed it nervously as the fans slammed in to each other and pushed each other around. When Dan caught him looking he squeezed his hand and grinned at him.

So, he had realised they were still holding hands too.

Phil was grateful for his earplugs when the main band finally came on stage. Someone next to him jumped on his foot in excitement and the first crowdsurfer was already being hoisted up. They launched into the first song and Phil gave Dan a questioning look. Not yet, Dan mouthed in response.

And so, Phil lost himself in the music. He jumped along and shouted the words and reached his free hand towards the stage, eyes trained on his favourite band. He was being pushed and shoved from all sides but he barely noticed. The room around him had faded away and there was just him, the people on stage, and the music that had saved his life countless times.

When he felt a tug on his hand he was almost annoyed for being dragged out of his daze. Then he realised what was happening, and followed Dan to the pit. He couldn’t hear him, but he was pretty sure Dan shouted, “Let’s go!” at him before throwing himself right into the middle of the action. Phil hesitantly stood by the side for a few seconds, taking deep breaths and squaring his shoulders, until he was ready to jump in.

He was immediately absorbed into the movement, pushed forwards and backwards and into bystanders. It was an unpredictable rhythm that he quickly got used to and moved along with. This would definitely leave him with some painful bruises the next day, but God, he felt so alive.

He found himself cheering along when Jeremey McKinnon, the band’s lead singer, shouted something at the moshers. For those few seconds of relative calm, he made eye contact with Dan and found the other looking back at him. They were both sporting wide grins and lively eyes, and they shared something unspoken in that short moment before they were pushed onwards.

Halfway through the set, Phil was dragged out of the pit, to the front of the audience. There, safe from the pushing and grabbing but still high on adrenaline, he pulled Dan to him and kissed him.

Dan responded immediately, moving his hand through the hair on the back of Phil’s head and opening his mouth.

It was a moment unmatched by anything Phil had ever felt before. Surrounded by fans shouting the words to one of his favourite songs back at the band on stage, sweaty bodies too close together, all senses heightened. The flashing lights pierced through his eyelids and kept his heart beating at top speed.

Dan didn’t give him the chance to recover and bring his heart rate down to a healthy speed; the moment they broke apart, he was already pulling him back to the pit. Phil felt high on life, jumping in without hesitation this time and falling right back into the rhythm of the mosh pit.

The show went by too fast.

Phil hurt all over from moshing, but it was all worth it by the time the band went into the encore and the pit thinned out and eventually disappeared. He grabbed Dan’s hand. The two of them smiled at each other for a moment before joining the rows near the front of the stage to enjoy the final songs.

Gigs were entirely different this way. He was used to staying in approximately the same place and having some drinks. He’d never expected moshing and making out to feel so right and so perfect, especially after he’d rolled his eyes at kissing couples before plenty of times.

They stayed and watched the techs clear the stage after the show. Dan picked up some confetti and stuffed it in his pocket, and Phil sat down amidst the red paper. Behind them the masses of fans cleared the room and left them with the crew, who was breaking up the decor. The night was coming to a close, and Phil wasn’t sure what was going to be left of him and Dan after they left this hall.

“Ready to go?” Dan offered him his hand and pulled Phil to his feet. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

Was this an invitation?

“Yeah, me too.”

He wasn’t, really. But he’d take any excuse he could get to spend more time with Dan at this point.

“I know this great burger place just a few streets over, should be open at this hour. I’ve never seen them closed.”

“Alright, yeah let’s go.”

Their feet left trails in the confetti littered around and Phil couldn’t help but follow Dan’s example from before: he picked some up and put it in his pocket.

“I have a book at home,” Dan said, “of just little summaries of gigs and confetti and pictures. I love remembering the good times I’ve had.”

Phil’s mind wandered, wondering if Dan had done this before. Had taken on a random stranger and strung them along, just for the night.

They picked up their belongings from the cloak room, and Phil was grateful to have a jacket in his backpack when they stepped outside. It was chilly and dark, a starless sky stretching out over their heads with only the luminous signs on the storefronts around them to light the streets.

As they walked further into residential neighbourhoods and left the city centre behind, it got darker around them. A heavy silence had settled over them, and it didn’t lift until the bright lights from a burger joint lit up in front of them. The shop looked out of place, as if it had been picked up from its original spot and dumped in a random place, which just happened to be smackdab in the middle of a quiet suburban street.

Going inside was like stepping into a different dimension. There were some people casually sat at the bar drinking coffee, and two women were sharing some chips in one of the booths. Nothing gave away the fact that it was close to midnight on a Thursday evening.

They each ordered a burger at the register and chose a table as far from the other people as they could. Phil finally took a moment to properly look at Dan for the first time since they’d shared those beers before the gig. His hair was curlier now from sweating in the mosh pit, and he looked tired but content. Phil didn’t even want to know what he looked like himself.

“How was your night?” Dan asked, leaning back in the booth with one arm casually swung over the back off the sofa.

“Fucking wild.” Phil said before he could filter his speech.

Dan broke into a toothy grin, “Yeah, same. I didn’t get to crowdsurf, but I got to kiss the hottest guy at the whole event, so I think I won.”

Without missing a beat Phil said, “Yeah, but I participated in my first mosh pit and kissed the cutest guy at the event.”

Their feet brushed together under the table, sending a shiver up Phil’s spine. Their eyes met and in that moment, they seemed to somehow think the same thing. Making sure no one was watching them, they snuck out of their booth and into the bathroom.

The men’s bathroom was grim, to say the least. It was just about the last place Phil in his right mind would want to have an intense make-out session, but it was the only available place right now and he was desperate. The moment the door was locked behind them, he had Dan with his back pressed against the door. Their lips met in the middle and for a few minutes there was nothing but that kiss and Dan’s hands grabbing at Phil’s shirt.

Then the last part of his brain that was concerned about hygiene went out the door and he was pulling at Dan’s belt. Dan was immediately impatient, pushing Phil’s hands away and undoing his jeans himself, pushing them halfway down his thighs. His eagerness was briefly eased as Phil started kissing his neck, going down from just under his jaw to the hem of his shirt, pulling it aside to expose more skin. He let his hands run down Dan’s torso as he sank to his knees.

Dan, realising what was happening, sighed and leaned his head back against the door. His hands tangled in Phil’s hair, as the other wrapped his fingers around his cock and pumped up and down a few times before taking the tip into his mouth.

He had one hand at the base of Dan’s erection, the other on his slim hip. His nails were digging into the skin on his abdomen, but neither of them really noticed.

Dan was clearly trying to keep quiet, muffling his moans and biting his lip. Every so often he suddenly took a deep breath, as though he just realised he hadn’t been breathing for a while. Phil was going mildly insane on the floor, his own cock painfully pressing against the zipper of his jeans. He paused what he was doing momentarily to readjust it into a less unpleasant position. This gave Dan just enough time to collect himself a little and whisper a “fuck,” under his breath.

Then Phil’s mouth was on him again and he let out a whimper, caught off guard.

Phil could feel that he was getting close, his legs were trembling a little and his abdomen was all tensed up. “Phil,” the boy said softly.

Phil didn’t respond, instead tightening his grip on Dan’s hip and taking him deeper into his mouth. Dan shivered as he involuntarily bucked his hips. He came hard, fingernails grazing Phil’s head and jaw going slack. Phil worked him through it. He moved his hand along the base where his mouth couldn’t reach.

When Dan took a shaky breath, his first normal breath in a few minutes, Phil swallowed and got to his feet.

“God, you’re hot.”

Dan grinned as he pulled his trousers back up and buckled his belt, “Let me catch my breath. I’ll return the favour.”

“Nah, this one was on the house. Before the gig you told me you’d show me a good time and you did. Thanks for that.” Phil stretched out his stiff limbs and rolled his neck. He was still uncomfortably hard, but the high was over, making him realise where he was and what he was doing. The restaurant staff may not have cared or noticed before, but if they kept the only toilet occupied for even longer people might start getting suspicious.

“Pretty sure you repaid that three times over just now.”

They did their bests to clean themselves up in the dirty bathroom stall before going back out. No one in the restaurant seemed to care much about what had just transpired right under their noses. They didn’t even bat an eye as Dan and Phil suspiciously walked out of the single men’s bathroom together and back to their booth. Their food had arrived while they’d been away, but the burgers were still warm.

Phil flushed his mouth out with some coke and inconspicuously sloshed it around his mouth for a few seconds.

“Remember when I said I’d never made out with anyone at a concert before?” Dan asked. He was speaking quietly enough that Phil knew he was about to say something about what they’d just done.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’ve never gotten a blowjob in a bathroom at a burger place before.”

“Especially not at midnight on a Thursday, I’m sure.”

“Whereas you have, of course, given plenty of blowjobs on Thursday nights in public toilets.”

“Yeah, this was my third.”

They sat on the curb as they waited for their Ubers. Neither of them had brought up their impending separation, and Phil wasn’t about to. A car turned the corner and slowed to a stop in front of them. “Uber for Daniel?”

The two of them got to their feet, and Dan pulled Phil into a hug, “Thanks for tonight.”

“This was the best night I’ve had in a long time.”

They shared a short kiss under the streetlight in front of the strangest burger place Phil had ever been to and when they pulled apart Dan immediately got into the car. “Call me.” He said.

Phil raised his eyebrows, “But I-”

“Check your pocket.” Dan gave him one last smile, then closed the door. As the car drove off, Phil patted down his pockets and found a napkin in the left one of his coat. A string of numbers was scribbled in a corner in blue ink. He grinned to himself, clutching the paper in his hand as he realised that Dan intended on returning the favour sooner rather than later.

#phan #phan smut #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #smut #phan au #phanfichallenge

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Safe From the Weight of the World

Summary: Trans!Dan is tired of holding back and wants to tell Phil everything, even if that’s terrifying.

Rating: Teens and up

Word Count: 1.1K

[A/N] Written for @phandomficfests, flash fest: fear fic.

There were no rules for this sort of thing. No handy guide or a five-step plan written by an expert. Just some websites written by people who tried their hardest to be helpful but in the end every situation was just too different to make a generalisation and reading page after page of instructions was no use.

For two months now Dan had stopped and removed himself from the situation when things got too heated. When he felt himself getting riled up and his skin started tingling where Phil’s fingers ran. He was starting to run out of self-control, especially because he’d taken off Phil’s shirt before but had to suddenly hit the brake when Phil tried to do the same to him. Truth was, he wanted to feel those hands run over his ribs and those lips to touch his stomach the way they touched his neck. He wanted Phil to have every part of him, but the shiver of fear that went down his spine every time Phil’s fingers got too close to his chest or crotch stopped him from action, and although he’d tried to initiate the conversation a few times he always chickened out at the last moment.

It was a Saturday evening when Dan somehow built up the courage to speak. Or maybe he was just too tired of waiting and discipling himself to care anymore. Either way, he’d made Phil a nice home cooked dinner when he’d come over straight after his shift at the electronics store, put on a romantic film after, and gone along with the kissing that sparked while the end credits rolled. Phil was thoughtful enough not to press anymore. He kissed and kept his hands in safe areas until Dan clearly showed they could go a little further, as he was doing now.

He was slipping his hands under Phil’s shirt, fingers brushing the soft skin of his back just below the waistband of his jeans, as his lips traced along the other boy’s neck. Phil let it happen for a little while. He relaxed into it and kept one hand on Dan’s hip and the other on his cheek. Safe.

“There’s something you should know.” It was out there before Dan could change his mind or start doubting himself. The words came out in a warm breath against Phil’s throat, and he kept his face there to avoid having to look the other in the eye.

“Okay, what is it?”

“Don’t freak out.”

Phil tried to move his head up, look at Dan’s face, but Dan kept his face pressed into the nook between his shoulder and neck.

“I won’t freak out.” He said.

Dan’s throat was closing up. Trembling fingers reached out and took Phil’s hand from his waist, guiding it up. Up to his chest. Phil kept still, waiting for instructions or an explanation and too scared to do anything that might scare the boy beside him. Dan’s hand covered his as he finally looked up to face him. His expression was questioning, and it made Phil feel bad for not understanding yet. He didn’t want to make him say anything he couldn’t find the words for, but his mind was blank with his hand in an area that was definitely not ‘safe’ the way the places he usually got to touch were.

He shook his head. Lightly. Apologetically.

Dan didn’t seem annoyed or impatient, instead taking him by the wrist and moving his hand down, under the hem of his shirt, and putting it back down on where he should have found the warm, bare skin of his chest. Instead he found more fabric.

He didn’t want to ask, but when he looked up Dan was already opening his mouth, “a binder.” He said. It took Phil a second or two to remember what that was, and what that meant.

“Right.” Was all he could say when he realised. He was a little surprised at the fact that he felt no shock. Not even a feeling of ‘it’s fine but I need to get used to the idea’. Nothing. “Alright.”

His eyes refocused on Dan’s face, which was showing pure nerves and fear. “Okay?” He whispered. His voice was quiet and tentative, body tense beside him.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m not sure what to say.”

“Are you upset?”

“No, no. God, no. Not at all. I just-“ he half-grinned, glanced down and then back up, “I only know my way around a penis. But I can figure it out.” A pause. “If you want that, of course. It’s cool if you don’t.”

Dan let the words dawn on him for a few seconds before he tried to form a response, “You don’t mind?”

“No. I don’t know, I feel like I should feel something about this, but I just don’t. I don’t mind, or I don’t care, I don’t know. You’re a guy and I’m in love with you and this changes nothing.”

Dan’s heart fluttered as a blush crept onto his already rosy cheeks, “You’re in love with me?”

“Thought that was pretty clear.” Phil said, grinning.

“I mean, I’m in love with you too.”

“Well, that’s settled then.” Phil was properly smiling now. A smile Dan had come to love over the past three months they’d been going out, and it made him want to kiss him so much it was hard to contain himself. “I have to be honest,” Phil continued, moving forward to press their foreheads together, “if you want it too, I’d like to go a bit further. We don’t have to, of course, I won’t pressure you and I won’t hold it against you if you don’t want to, but I would like to.”

God, Dan did not need to be told that twice. He let himself go, pulling Phil in and kissing him hard, not caring where his hands went and moving his own to rid Phil of his shirt. Phil mirrored his movements, glancing up to ask for consent with his eyes, just to be sure.

They were eager. Desperate after two months of waiting neither of them had really wanted. Phil left the binder alone for a while, busying himself with the newly exposed skin around it, but eventually Dan moved to take it off himself, and Phil was happy to help.

Their hands roamed the skin they had wanted to touch for so long. Dan confidently left a trail of open mouthed kisses down Phil’s torso, teasingly stopping at his belt, while Phil’s fingers explored where he hadn’t been allowed before. He was no longer restricted to Dan’s hips and shoulders. Every inch of his body was now a safe area.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #phan au #trans!dan #phandomficfests #fic fest: fear fic

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Us Fools

Summary: It all went too fast and came to an abrupt halt with seven softly spoken words.

Rating: Gen

Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 1.2K

[A/N] Written for @phanfichallenge, the Phandom Writing Challenge 7: the Songfic challenge. Song: Fools by Lauren Aqualina. Beta’d by the amazing Jasmine.

“We can’t keep going on like this.”

It was out of the blue. A blow of a hammer smashing into what was left of their fragile relationship. It had them both stopping dead in their tracks and retreating into themselves. They were quiet, the fight was over, and each went to a different room.

They had never been good at ‘talking it out’, usually settling for leaving the truth somewhere in the middle; apologising and moving on. Never had either of them said something like this before and they had both felt the impact in their gut. Phil lay curled up on their bed, pulling Dan’s pillow to him and holding onto it for dear life. He knew Dan was right but taking in the familiar smell of his boyfriend he could not find it within himself to accept it.

Seven years of friendship.

Two years of dating.

They went wrong somewhere, took a left where they should’ve taken a right, and maybe this turn was the one they took when they went from being friends to being boyfriends. He couldn’t imagine being without the person he loved most. The person whose smile lit up his life. The person he imagined himself growing old with. Dan was probably in the other room going over the same things in his head and maybe he had already come to a conclusion. Maybe he was going to come in any minute now to break it all into tiny little pieces in front of Phil’s eyes.

Instead, something even worse happened. Phil heard the front door open and close and a heavy silence descended upon the house. Against his better judgement he still found himself roaming the rooms of the house for a sign of Dan where he knew he wouldn’t find one. He seemed to have taken nothing but his phone which gave Phil some sort of inkling of hope, which he desperately tried to hold onto as the day progressed.

He texted Dan, ‘I’m sorry’, but didn’t get a response. As a last resort he called his mum, knowing that she couldn’t put him back together, but she could try. He lay on the sofa, tears soaking the cushions, as his mum talked to him for hours. She was doing her best, but all Phil was hearing were the echoes of her voice bouncing off the walls in the empty apartment. There was no soft piano playing coming from the bedroom. No opening cabinets in the kitchen. No quiet laughing from the gaming room.

At some point just before dawn Phil fell asleep. He hadn’t moved from his spot on the sofa and when he woke up a mere two hours later he stayed there. His eyes stayed glued to his phone screen, desperate for a sign, any sign, of life from Dan. Any acknowledgment of what they still had.

He didn’t get up until his phone died and he had to go looking for a charger. Dan’s was on the table but Phil couldn’t bring himself to take it and before he knew it he was already crying again. He made some sort of an attempt to clean himself up in the bathroom mirror, splashing water on his face and running a helpless hand through his hair.

Any inclination towards self-preservation was out the door. He spent the day on the floor where his phone was charging and stayed there even after his phone was at 100%. He didn’t eat, drink or sleep, only just dragging himself to the bathroom every couple of hours. Dan was completely MIA. He didn’t respond to any of Phil’s pleading messages and didn’t have any presence on social media. Instagram confirmed that he had not been online since the day before.

His mum called him again, but Phil didn’t pick up. He couldn’t find his voice or the willpower to make any sort of sound.

When the doorbell rang at eleven that night Phil almost thought he was imagining it. He’d half dozed off, head in an uncomfortable position against the wall and phone still clutched in his hand. It wasn’t until the doorbell rang a second time that he grabbed the armrest of the sofa and pulled himself to his feet. He didn’t want to give himself false hope but every fibre of his being was aching for Dan and pulling him to the front door.

Dan looked just as dishevelled as his boyfriend. He clearly had not slept and was wearing the same clothes as the day before; that dumb Kanye West jumper that Phil loved to hate.

“I’m sorry.” Phil said.

“No.” Dan responded. He pushed past him into the apartment and led them into the lounge. “I meant it.”

The words almost knocked Phil to his knees. He couldn’t manage any sounds, just a shaky breath that conveyed everything he felt better than anything he couldn’t say.

“I love you,” Dan said softly, “but something needs to change.”

“I can change.”

“I don’t want you to.”

Phil finally looked up and faced Dan, their eyes meeting somewhere in the space between them.

“We need to change. Us. Not you, not me.”

“What do you mean?”

“For seven years we ran smoothly and we were happy. Something changed then, we started dating.”

“You want to go back to being friends?”

Dan bit his lip and broke their eye contact.

“Dan.” He reached out and took his boyfriend’s hand.

“I want to stop trying so hard.”

“A relationship means trying.”

“We’ve been trying so hard to be in a relationship that we’ve lost sight of who we are together.”

They were both quiet for a moment as Phil processed this.

“I spent all night trying to find a way to put how I feel into words, and that is the closest I think I’m going to get.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I want us to take off the label ‘boyfriends’ and go back to basics. I want us to be how we are naturally. I want to kiss you and hold your hand without feeling like I need to make a performance of it. I want to do it for the sake of it.”

Despite the cold glass that seemed to be coursing through his veins, Phil understood. He knew what Dan was describing, this performance they had been putting on since the moment they had officially started dating. Before that, they had just done what felt right, but the tag ‘boyfriends’ had come with requirements in their minds and neither of them had fit into that circle but they had felt like they had to so they’d pretended. It was stressful and tiring when all Phil had really wanted was to have someone to come home to.

“Let’s just be you and me then.” He said.

Dan’s eyes widened as he nodded, “You know what I mean?”

“Yes. I didn’t know I knew till you put it into words just now. But I know.”

When Dan pulled him into a hug everything melted away. That familiar warm smell of home and love and everything Phil couldn’t quite describe but that made Dan Dan.

Phil couldn’t imagine his life without him, and he didn’t have to.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #phan angst #angst #hurt/comfort #songfic #phanfichallenge

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Painting Flowers (Masterpost)

Summary: Dan has come to accept that his psychotic episodes and hallucinations are here to stay, when he meets Phil Lester. Although Phil can’t fix Dan, he does give him something to fight for. Something to try for, one last time.

Word Count: 37.4K

Warnings: Self harm, suicide mentions

Chapter One (AO3)

Chapter Two (AO3)

Chapter Three (AO3)

Chapter Four (AO3)

Chapter Five (AO3)

Chapter Six (AO3)

Chapter Seven (AO3)

Chapter Eight (AO3)

Chapter Nine (AO3)

Chapter Ten (AO3)

Chapter Eleven (AO3)

Chapter Twelve (AO3)

Chapter Thirteen (AO3)

Chapter Fourteen (AO3)

Epilogue (AO3)

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #painting flowers #painting flowers masterpost #masterpost #fanfiction #phan au #tw #tw self harm #tw suicide mentio #self harm #suicide mention

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Painting Flowers (Epilogue)

[A/N] My camp Nano project from April 2014. Heavily edited.

WARNINGS: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Deals with mental illness, hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

Word count: 842 (37.4K total)

<-previous chapter

Start at the beginning

His mum had insisted he wore one of those classic graduation caps, and he’d reluctantly agreed. Now that he was standing in the hotel dining room with it planted firmly on his head, he was glad she’d managed to convince him. It gave the whole ordeal just that extra edge of funny yet formal.

Michelle was the one to shake his hand and give him his diploma while Callum took dozens of pictures in short succession, kneeled to their right. It was a symbolic certification, seeing as Dan’s diploma had come in the post after he’d missed his school’s graduation ceremony. In no way would it ever have been able to live up to the one he was having now, in attendance of the people he actually loved and knew wouldn’t belittle or make fun of him. His grades weren’t that good, and instead of having a teacher lie about how proud they were of him, he had Michelle speaking nothing but the truth as she struggled to keep her tears at bay. “When I first got to know you were at your wits end, struggling to do daily tasks and get up in the morning. Today, you have a diploma, a boyfriend, and a strong support system.” She gestured to the room around them, filled with the people who had stood by Dan for all those years. “I am so incredibly proud of you. Of the way you have kept your head high and ready to fight no matter how difficult things got, and while I’m sure life won’t just be smooth sailing from here, I know that with all these people, and your own strength and willpower at your disposal, you can get through anything. This is the start of a new and better life for you, and I really, from the bottom of my heart, wish you all the happiness in the world.”

By the end of her speech half the attendees were in tears, including herself and Dan, who managed to say, “Thank you” before hugging her tightly.

He shook everyone’s hand individually, all the staff, his family members, Phil’s family members, Phil’s -and at this point his own too- friends, Andrea, and Lauren and Kyle, his friends from Hyacinth Hospital. He had never received this many hugs in such a short period of time.

All these people had been there for him at one point or another, whether that had been bringing him soup in his room on a bad day, or giving him a little alien keychain they’d found at a second-hand shop because ‘it reminded them of him’. And apparently, they weren’t done giving yet. When he finished hugging everyone Brianna wheeled out one of the food carts, that was holding a large contraption covered with a sheet.

“A graduation gift. From all of us.” Phil took Dan’s hand and squeezed it, smiling happily when his boyfriend squeezed back. “Go ahead. Pull off the sheet.”

Dan stepped forward and did as he was told. With one hand (the other was still holding Phil’s) he uncovered his present, revealing a detailed model of the solar system. A tiny purple spaceship hovered above Mars, to give it just a little dash of Dan. Because if there was one thing he loved more than space, it was aliens.

He let go of Phil’s hand now, stepping forward and tracing his finger over Saturn’s ring, “You guys…” He said softly. All words had escaped him. His mind was blank and his eyes were filled with tears.

“Do you like it?” His dad’s heavy hand landed on his shoulder and stayed there.

“I love it.”

He was pulled into a strong embrace, and before his father could let go his mother had joined them. Over his dad’s shoulder Dan saw his little brother roll his eyes and then give in too.

The model of the solar system was carefully wheeled to the side of the room where everyone could admire it in their own time while they had dinner. Carts full of Dan’s favourite dishes the cooks had made over the years were brought in and everyone chose a seat.

Dan sat with Phil’s family and his own, holding his boyfriend’s hand under the table.

For the first time in ages, he was hopeful for the future. He wasn’t going to university, but he was going to be working at Andrea’s store. When she’d offered him the job he’d hardly been able to believe his ears. Working at a bookstore had never been something he’d considered to be an option, really, but the moment the opportunity presented itself he knew that he had to take it. It was where he belonged, with the books and sturdy enduringness of stories. They had helped him escape so many times and now he was getting the chance to help other people step into new worlds.

It was two weeks since he had been discharged from Hyacinth Psychiatric hospital and two months since he had last hurt himself. The future was warm and inviting.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #phan au #painting flowers #tw #tw self harm #self harm #tw suicide mention #suicide mention

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Painting Flowers (Chapter 14)

[A/N] My camp Nano project from April 2014. Heavily edited.

WARNINGS: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Deals with mental illness, hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

Word count: 2.4K (36.5K total)

[A/N] WARNING! This chapter contains self harm and suicide mentions.

<-previous chapter - epilogue->

Start at the beginning

Dan didn’t regret his decision to not let himself be hospitalised for the first six days of that week, but on Thursday evening, the day before his appointment with Michelle, the regret quickly grew as all the characters decided to suddenly gang up on him as he stepped out of the bathroom after using the toilet. They forced him to walk backwards, back into the bathroom, where he almost slipped on the small mat lying in front of the bath because he couldn’t see where he was placing his feet.

Suddenly he was regretting every decision he’d made in the past week. He should’ve just let them hospitalise him.

The voices were already starting. He knew they’d make it a now or never situation as the decision to start taking strong medication had already been made. He was not going to change his mind on this matter and they knew that. They all knew that.

Despite knowing this, he still wasn’t sure what they would do to try and stop him. If they couldn’t change his mind, that surely wouldn’t be their goal in this attack either. It didn’t take him long to realise what the endgame would consist of, and the first thought in his mind was that Phil would be angry at him if he did it, and he almost smiled at the realisation of how stupid that thought was. Of course Phil would be angry. But he would be disappointed and sad too. And so would his own parents. And Phil’s. And his entire family.

He wouldn’t get the chance to regret anything if he were dead though. He didn’t believe in the afterlife or in heaven. He believed that when he died, everything would just be over. Like a dreamless sleep. An endless slumber.

He wouldn’t know if it would drive any of the people he loved to hurt themselves. He would never know what his suicide would do to other people, and that was the reason he’d never done it. The possibility had always been there in the form of that white box of blades, and it had always been staring right at him each time he’d opened the bathroom cabinet. This time he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to resist the temptation. The voices were already starting to get louder and louder, and although their build up was slower than usual, that could mean that they would be stronger and louder than usual too.

His phone was on his desk, but he couldn’t get to it as at least seven characters were blocking the door, cornering him between the sink and the bath. He knew what they wanted him to do. He was in the perfect place to lean down and get the blades from the cabinet. “I’m not doing it.” He tried. But by this time the voices had become loud enough for him to be unable to hear himself speak and thereby unable to convince himself of his own words.

His survival instinct was working hard on a plan to try and get him out of here. It was two different parts of his brain trying to battle this matter out, and Dan had no idea which side would win this time. He opened the cabinet and grabbed the box, placing it on the edge of the sink.

“Do it.” He heard over and over again in his head. Dozens and dozens of voices were instructing him to take a blade to his arm, they were telling him what patterns to draw with his own blood and they were describing the feeling of the cold metal against his pale skin in great detail.

His survival instinct had come up with a plan. It wasn’t a plan to get him out of the entire situation, but it involved an attempt to get help, so he decided to roll with it. He took a blade from the box and drove it into his right arm, this time not caring about the feeling, but more about the spectacle it would bring. He cut deep, trying to get as much blood as he could without bringing himself in danger or weakening himself. “Is this what you want to see?” He asked them. He took a step towards the characters barricading the door. “Look at my arm, the performance is right on my arm.” He said as he made another cut. The blood was already dripping onto the floor.

He took another few steps and waved his bloody wrist around. They stepped out of his way. It was working. “Out of the way, out of the way, artist coming through.” He called as he stepped out of the bathroom. It went easier than he expected.

He walked over to his desk, blade still playing at his wrist, and grabbed his phone.

“Don’t even try. I’m not fooled by your stupid little act.” It was The Captain. Of course it was him.

“Leave me alone.”

“Hey guys, he’s just trying to distract you. He wants to call for help. Do you all want to vanish into non-existence without him? It’s all or nothing. We either die without him,” He turned to face Dan, “Or with him.”

“I’m not committing suicide.”

“That’s what you think now. We’re only just getting started.”

They started chanting in his head. Dan hated when they chanted. He could handle the screaming and the all talking at the same time, but it was the chanting that always broke him, and they knew. They were telling him to throw his phone on the floor this time, and he knew he would break soon if he listened to their words for much longer. He looked at the iPhone in his hand and bit his lip, thinking about all the messages from Phil it stored. The pictures the other had sent him while sat in lecture or when he was cooking for his parents, and it was then that he realised he couldn’t break his phone. He couldn’t lose all those memories of Phil. He didn’t want to miss the first ever message Phil had sent him, “Plot twist: Sirius Black wrote The Sirius Mystery.” It would’ve sounded so completely random if anyone else had received the message by accident, but it had ended up on the right phone and it had made Dan smile when he read it. He still smiled every time he even thought about it. Even this time it managed to bring a weak smile to decorate his features for a few seconds.

“That message isn’t going to do anything for you now, Dan. You might as well throw the phone away.” He could only just hear The Captain over the chanting.

In some strange miracle that Dan still wouldn’t be able to wrap his mind around years later the door opened in that exact moment and his mother stepped in. In his hazy state Dan managed to raise his arms towards her, and although he probably looked strange, it worked. “Dan, what’s going on?” Her eyes ran over his bloodied arm as she approached.

“Help me.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to die.” He whispered. He clutched the blade in his fist, but his mum carefully pried open his hand and tossed it away from them.

“You’re not going to die.” She said.

And Dan tried to repeat that over and over in his head. His weak infantry defence against a trained cavalry out to break him. They sank down onto the floor together and his mum wrapped her arms tightly around him, leaning her head against his and just holding him quietly. He grasped onto her arms for dear life.

He woke up in a place he recognised as a hospital, but not as one he knew. His parents were sat together on the unmade bed on the other side of the room, and they both appeared to be asleep. To his surprise, he wasn’t restrained. As quietly as he could he stretched out his limbs and got out of bed, keeping his eyes trained on his mum and dad, who didn’t stir.

The door was unlocked, and he pushed it open into a white hallway decorated with long rows of paintings. He admired them as he walked past them, stopping every now and again to take a closer look at one.

“Hi, Daniel.”

He looked up from a painting of an apple tree and into the face of a friendly looking nurse.

“Hello.”

“My name is Michael. Do you know where you are?”

“Not sure.”

“You’re at Hyacinth Psychiatric Hospital. Do you remember what happened?”

“I didn’t try to kill myself.” He responded, almost defensively.

Michael smiled gently, “You didn’t, that’s true. You fell asleep and your mum called us.” “Have I been institutionalised?”

“No, but we are offering you a bed. You can stay here for in-patient treatment if you want to do so, but you’re eighteen so it’s your call. You can take some time to think this over.”

Dan nodded, “I’ll talk to my parents about it.”

Michael guided him to the communal area and sat him down by the window. Dan appreciated the silence when he left him alone. He watched the people around him for a while, each engrossed in their own activities. This was his first time in an adult psychiatric hospital, and the patients here were wildly different from the children he was used to. What they all had in common, however, was that they all looked completely normal. They were all someone’s next-door neighbour or the guy who sat next to them in their Intro to Statistics course. Someone you’d never guess was fighting a war within themselves when you were looking at them. And Dan was one of them, he supposed.

The three of them sat around the table, each with a cup of tea, in a way they hadn’t done in a long time. They weren’t in a hurry, mentally going over their to-do lists or literally on the phone to a business associate, instead taking the time to listen to each other and speak their minds. Dan told his parents what had been going on in his brain and his life over the past year or so, and in turn they told him about what had been keeping them busy, and how they felt about his treatment. They all cried.

It took three hours and four cups of tea each to reach a conclusion. Dan would stay at the hospital while he tried out different types of medications until he found one that truly worked for him. He was going to voluntarily admit himself, which wasn’t something he’d ever expected himself to be doing.

That same day he sat down with a team of medical personnel – his team now- and talked them through his situation and his eagerness to start taking the drugs as soon as possible. When he left with a care plan but without a time indication he was slightly disheartened, but he didn’t let it get him down. Every time he got hesitant, he looked at those lines on his wrists and reminded himself of what had already happened, and what might happen if he went on like this. He gritted his teeth and went on.

Although they texted non-stop, Phil didn’t visit until Dan’s seventh day at the hospital. He brought books, and the two of them spent the afternoon lounging in the communal area. Dan was weirdly starting to feel at home here, having befriended two other patients and gotten used to the daily routines. He went to his different therapy sessions, studied for his A Levels, and picked up drawing again. His drawings folder was getting thicker with each passing day, and his therapist, Angela, had already framed one of his drawings and hung it in her office.

“What have you been doing without me?” Dan asked, poking Phil with his foot.

“Going to uni. Reading. Hanging out with friends.”

“Hm, friends, what is that like?”

For a second Phil froze, but then he realised Dan was joking and started laughing, “Feels good. They can’t wait to meet you.”

“Do they know I’m here?” Dan asked, suddenly serious.

“Yeah, but they don’t mind.” Phil sat up and put his book down as he leaned over to his boyfriend, “Listen, Dan. Secondary school sucks. It really does. People are unnecessarily mean, and once you leave there you will find that the rest of the world just doesn’t care about anything. The outside world doesn’t have cliques or popular kids or anything like that. We’re all just a bunch of adults who feel like we’re not equipped to handle life but somehow we’re wrestling our way through anyway.”

It gave Dan a sense of hope to imagine that he would never have to go back to school, and the last time he would have to see any of his classmates would be at his final A Level exams. In the evening, when Phil had gone home, Dan drew a picture of a graduation ceremony, setting it in the lobby of his parents’ hotel with just his family, Phil and his, and the hotel staff like Brianna and Callum attending. He even put Andrea from the bookstore in the line-up, right next to Phil’s dad.

Over two cups of tea and biscuits Phil taught Dan the names of his friends, showing him pictures on his phone to accompany. He also showed him his brother for the first time, and Dan showed him his.

Dan’s head was quiet. He had room to think and was filling the space up with thoughts about Phil and his life and interests: facts that he was only just learning about. For Dan, his illness defined most of his life, and with that most of his relationships. But with the prospect of a peaceful future on the horizon he suddenly realised that he had to fill in his relationships more meaningfully. He listened to Phil ramble about his favourite book – And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie-, his trip to Spain with friends the Summer before, and the horrible job at a Poundland he’d had when he was sixteen. Dan stored all this information in spaces usually reserved for voices and intrusive thoughts, confident that he would not be needing these spaces as much. He left a few open, with the notion that he was still ill and that wasn’t going to go away. His brain was going to slip up and that was okay, he would deal with those times and come out on the other end bruised but unbroken.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #phan au #tw #tw self harm #self harm #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #painting flowers

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

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Cold Shower

Summary: It’s too hot for sex but they try something anyway.

Word count: 746

Rating: M

[A/N] Written for Flash Fest: ____, hosted by @phandomficfests.

All doors and windows were open, carrying the sound of buzzing fans in different rooms throughout the apartment. Dan was lying on his back with his long limbs stretched out to the corners of their bed. He was only wearing a pair of boxer briefs, and Phil was sporting the same outfit when he walked into the bedroom with two glasses of Ribena with ice cubes. He planted them on the nightstand and curled up next to his boyfriend, who grunted dramatically, “God, Phil, it’s too warm for this.”

“This heatwave’s been on for almost a week now, and I’m bored. It’s not that hot in here.”

“Are you serious?” Dan lifted his head to look over to the man next to him, raising his eyebrows.

“I mean, it’s hot. But you’re wearing nothing but underpants and we’ve done nothing the past week.”

“You want to have sex? Just say what you want, I can’t solve your riddles with this weather.”

Phil rolled his eyes and laughed, “Yes, I want to have sex.”

“That’s too much work.” Dan decided after thinking about it for a second, “But I’ll do a lowkey handjob.”

“I’ll take what I can get at this point.” Phil responded. “So that’s a yes?”

“Yeah, it’s been a while, to be fair. You’ve been walking around half naked and if it wasn’t for this heat I would’ve jumped you multiple times today already.”

Phil didn’t respond, wasting no time pulling Dan’s underwear down and getting his hand on his boyfriend’s cock. After not having been touched for a few days Dan got hard almost right away, biting his lip at the contact.

Phil moved his hand up and down a few times, but then grabbed some lube from the bedside drawer and squirted it on his hand. The heat was making it almost impossible to do anything without lubrication, the ordeal rough and sweaty.

“It’s still too hot for this.” Dan muttered, taking the tube and putting some lube on his own hand. Phil pushed down his own underpants, allowing Dan access to his cock. He was already hard, the sight of his almost naked boyfriend lying outstretched on their bed having been enough to turn him on. He let out a content sigh when Dan started moving his hand.

They took their time, both lying on their side facing each other with their foreheads almost touching. Their movements were slow but firm. It was too warm to bother with kissing or anything that would make them pant or sweat, although the pleasure was enough to get both their faces turning a bit red and hot.

Phil lazily traced his thumb over Dan’s tip, eliciting soft sounds from the other man’s throat. He didn’t know about his boyfriend, but he hadn’t gotten off at all in six days so he knew their slow but steady pace would be enough for him.

He was about to open his mouth to ask if this was working for him, when Dan closed his eyes and involuntarily jerked his hips, “I should move onto my back, if you don’t mind.”

“Okay.”

Dan took his hand back and moved away. Phil propped himself up onto his elbow, speeding up his strokes to help Dan along. It didn’t take long: within a minute of rolling over Dan was biting his lip and his abdomen was tensing up. They’d been together long enough to not need a warning anymore, as they could read it on each other’s body. Dan came onto his own stomach with a soft sound and his eyes squeezed shut.

He lay panting for a few seconds before muttering something about the heat and moving his hand back to Phil, who lay back on the bed now and relaxed into the attention.

Drops of sweat gathered on his forehead. Dan’s movements were fast and consistent, but it was really his boyfriend’s quick breathing close to his neck that pushed Phil over the edge. He worked him through it, and the moment Phil let out that familiar sigh Dan lied down to catch his breath.

Despite the fact that they had tried to be slow and gentle they were both hot and sweaty. “I’m hopping in the shower.” Dan said, “Want to join?”

“Cold shower might do us some good.” Phil grinned.

“Would’ve done you some good fifteen minutes ago. Bit late now.”

Phil just laughed. It was too hot to try to poke his boyfriend in retaliation.

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #phan smut #smut #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #adult content #flash fest: summer ___#phandomficfests

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Painting Flowers (Chapter 13)

[A/N] My camp Nano project from April 2014. Heavily edited.

WARNINGS: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Deals with mental illness, hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

Word count: 2.4K (34.1K total)

<-previous chapter -- next chapter->

Start at the beginning

Michelle was the first to enter the room after the three men. She immediately noticed the post it notes scattered all over the floor, with words written on them that she could not read yet. She recognised the behaviour. It was something she’d told him to do herself. ‘If you’re feeling down or if any of the voices are saying bad things to you, write it down on a post it note and rip that to pieces.’

He hadn’t given himself time to rip these ones to pieces. He’d probably moved on to the next note as soon as he’d finished writing the previous one. With so many voices in your head talking at the same time it was hard to keep up.

Dan spent three weeks in the hospital this time. He was restrained in a no-visitors-room for the first one and a half week and was then moved to a normal room, where he remained restrained for the rest of the week. It wasn’t until they were completely sure that he wouldn’t attempt to harm himself again that they let him walk around freely.

His parents and Phil visited him as often as they could, and Dan had met both of Phil’s parents too, who often came along with either Dan’s own parents or Phil. The two pairs of parents became friends easily, and although it felt strange to Dan that Phil’s mum and his own would come to visit him without Phil being with them at first, he quickly got used to it and he looked forward to their visits.

Phil’s parents even came to visit him on their own twice, and Dan couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy their visits. They were both the kind of people that could keep a conversation running no matter how uninteresting the other person was and they were constantly chatting away at him.

No matter how enjoyable everyone’s visits were, he still looked forward to the day he was going to be let go. Him and Phil had already planned a date for that day, despite both sets of parents advising him to go easy for a few days first.

When they realised that they couldn’t talk the two boys out of it, Kathryn insisted on at least driving them where they wanted to go, and that was how they ended up waving her goodbye while stood in front of that bookstore where they’d first met about five months ago.

Dan hadn’t been here very often ever since, and he felt a hint of regret tugging at his heart as he watched Andrea stack some books on a shelf through the familiar glass door. They walked in together, hand in hand.

Andrea looked up when she heard the little bell above the door go off, and she immediately smiled upon seeing them. “You two got together? I called it. I called it, Dan, didn’t I? I told you first time I mentioned him to you. I did say that, didn’t I? I don’t really remember actually. What can I do for you two boys today?”

“We’re just here to look around, really. Thanks though.” Phil gave her his sweetest smile and pulled Dan to the shelf in the back, with the astronomy books.

It was a tad dusky back there, as the lamp that was supposed to enable them to read the titles on the spines of the books was broken and only flickered a little occasionally. Like lightening.

It was already dark out, and they were sure to be able to see each other better if they were to stand in the middle of the store, but neither seemed to have the intention of moving away from the exact spot they were standing that moment.

Andrea couldn’t see them from where she was standing and they couldn’t see her. It was almost as if they were alone in the store, and when they heard her footsteps walk to the Staff Only door, after which she opened it, stepped through, and closed it behind her, they truly were alone.

Dan could just see the dark streets outside when he stood on his tiptoes to peek over the tall shelves standing in between him and the door to the outside world.

It was dark and a bit cold were they were standing, but all was forgotten when Phil carefully pulled him closer, hands on his hips. Dan was sure it wasn’t to hug him this time, as he kept his eyes focused on Dan’s own. Dan was perfectly willing to do this. More than that even. He had been waiting for this to happen was a better way to phrase it.

When Phil closed the distance between them a little, still giving him space to move away, Dan didn’t hesitate for even a second before completely closing the distance between them and pressing his lips to Phil’s. He felt soft and warm against him. Not just his mouth, but his entire body. The older boy wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pressed the two of them together, leaving no room between them. This time he didn’t give Dan the chance to move away, but it wasn’t like Dan needed that.

He wanted this. Maybe even more than Phil did.

He’d never kissed anyone before, but all the puzzle pieces seemed to come together just fine. Phil made up for Dan’s lack of skill with ease and they stood there for a good few minutes before one of them had the guts to carefully pull away.

Dan had the urge to look away when their eyes met again, but he didn’t. He knew he was blushing, but he was done looking away because he now knew Phil didn’t care if he was embarrassed. He didn’t care at all. “I’ve been waiting for that to happen for like a month.” Dan admitted.

Phil chuckled, “I’ve been wishing for it to happen for even longer. I wanted to make sure you wanted it too.”

“Oh, I definitely did.” Dan laughed, kissing him again.

They were sat on the steps before the ice cream bar, both an ice cone in their hands and both too busy with the other to remember to eat it. It wasn’t until Phil noted that the ice cream was starting to melt and run down his hand in little streaks that they took a break from their chatter to quickly eat them.

It was a pretty day in early May. The sun was shining brightly, heating up the stone steps so much that the two of them didn’t dare put their hands on them, and everyone was walking around in T shirts and shorts. Dan and Phil watched the people go by on the pavement in front of them, whispering a comment to each other every now and again.

It had already been decided that Phil was staying the night, so they were in no hurry to go anywhere, sat there in their short-sleeved clothing and the sun burning on their exposed arms and legs. “It was so freaking cold when we first met.” Phil said suddenly.

Dan was quick to agree, “I was freezing my ass off.”

They were once again quiet for a few minutes until Phil once again spoke up. “Your appointment with Michelle is next week, isn’t it? About the pills?”

Dan nodded. “Friday.” He said.

“So do you know what you’re going to say yet?”

Dan rubbed his hands together and stared straight ahead. “I’m thinking of trying them, you know, the pills. I want to talk to her about trying even stronger medication, because right now the pills I’m taking aren’t working that well anymore. I’ve been reducing my dose to make sure I don’t get withdrawal symptoms, but they’re practically useless for my hallucinations at the moment.”

“But there are stronger medications available, right? You can take stronger pills that will actually work and you’ll be able to feel as good as you did after those first two weeks?”

“Definitely. I want to try it, I really do, it’s just that I’m afraid I’ll have, like, an episode again because my voices and characters don’t want me to take them. They’re the only ones standing in the way of me and those pills.”

“Maybe it’s best if you make sure that for the rest of the week up until you start your new pills you’re not left alone again? Like if there’s no other option you could even get admitted to the hospital for a few days while you wait, right?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind if you were with me all week.” Dan smiled.

Phil laughed and poked his arm, “Me neither, but I’ve got classes, you know.”

“I know, I was just joking. I think I can manage.”

“I hope so.” Phil said. He put his arm around Dan’s shoulders and kissed his cheek, “Man, am I glad I can just do things like this without you thinking I’ve gone out of my mind now.”

“Well honestly, I would’ve thought you were a little out of your mind if you’d done this two months ago, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have liked it.”

They walked into Dan’s room together. Dan hadn’t been there since the day of his most recent episode, and the first thing he realised was that they’d cleaned up. He never remembered much from what he did during episodes, but this time he was sure that he’d made quite a mess.

Two big plastic bags were standing on the bed, and he assumed those were the post it notes he’d written and thrown on the floor. As soon as he’d heard that he’d written them, when he was in the hospital, he’d asked his parents to keep them. He wanted to know. He wanted to read them all.

It would keep him strong in his decision to start taking stronger medication if he knew what kind of things the voices and characters said to him.

“Those are the post its.” Phil said as he pointed at the bags, confirming Dan’s assumptions.

“Yeah, I thought so. Did you help them clean up?”

“Yep, it was your parents, mine, and me.”

“Your parents helped?”

“Of course they did.” “They’re angels. You’re all angels. I don’t know how any of you even put up with me.”

Phil laughed and turned him around, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I chose to put up with you and never have I once regretted that decision. Please remember that. Always. I won’t regret this decision.”

“Sometimes I regret my decision myself.” Dan admitted.

Phil gave him a confused look.

“Sometimes I regret ever putting up with myself and making others put up with me.”

“If that means what I think it means then you need to drop those thoughts right away and set them on fire because that is bullshit and you are not to think that way.”

Dan grinned, “You always know exactly what to say, don’t you?”

“No, I just say whatever comes to mind.”

“Yet you always come across as calm and collected while you say the most perfect words you could’ve possibly said in that situation.” “Well, thank you. I do try to say the perfect things.” Phil laughed.

Dan took the bags off the bed and started taking out the notes, carefully placing them on the sheets in long rows until the entire bed was covered in post it notes in all the colours of the rainbow. He smiled contently and took a step back when he was finished. Phil had sat down on his office chair and had watched him work.

“There.” Dan said.

“Have you read them all?”

“None yet. I wanted to arrange them first. Here, get up.”

Phil got up from the chair and stood next to Dan, looking at the arrangement of notes on the bed for the first time, as he hadn’t been able to see them from the office chair he’d been sitting in.

“You arranged them according to the colours of the rainbow.” He stated.

“I did.” Dan nodded.

“You know the order of the colours by heart?”

“Of course I do.” Dan said, proceeding by reciting them for Phil, “Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.”

“Yeah, but can you recite Pi to eleven digits?” Phil challenged him.

“I can recite it to 32 digits.” Dan replied.”

“Prove it, buddy.”

“I prefer a less platonic term, thank you very much.”

“Prove it, boyfriend.”

It had the desired effect, as it shut Dan up for a good few seconds before the younger boy nodded and started reciting Pi. “3.14159265358979323846264338327950.” He spat it all out in one breath with practised ease and gave Phil a content look when he finished.

“See now this is just unfair. You could’ve been bluffing and saying random numbers and I wouldn’t know.”

“Type them in on Google, I’m completely correct.”

“Okay, so why do you know Pi to 32 digits?”

“I learnt them on Pi day.” Dan said simply, as if that explained everything.

“You’re an impossible person. You truly are.”

Dan grinned, almost proud of himself for baffling Phil.

“So what I said earlier, about, how do I say this, I called you boyfriend, are you okay with that?”

Dan turned to face him and leaned against the wardrobe. “How do I say this,” He paused for a second while he pretended to think, “Fuck yes.”

He was immediately pushed with his back against the wardrobe by an overexcited Phil, who was pressing his own body against Dan’s and connected their lips in a strong kiss.

By the time Dan finished reading all the notes it was nearly twelve and the two of them made quick work of putting them all back in the bags to clear the bed for them to sleep in.

They got changed into their pyjamas (which consisted of, in Dan’s case, a T shirt and boxers and in Phil’s case just a pair of boxers, because damn it was it hot), not bothering to take a shower and brushed their teeth together, standing close to each other even thought he bathroom was big enough for them to stand in front of the mirror together without touching.

Dan eventually fell asleep with his head on Phil’s chest and the latter’s arms tightly wrapped around him, and he had to admit that he hadn’t slept this well since, well, the last time he’d fallen asleep in Phil’s arms.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #phan au #tw #tw self harm #self harm #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #painting flowers

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 7 years ago

Text

Painting Flowers (Chapter 12)

[A/N] My camp Nano project from April 2014. Heavily edited.

WARNINGS: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Deals with mental illness, hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

Word count: 2.9K (31.7K total)

[A/N] Warning! This chapter contains self harm and suicide mentions.

<-previous chapter -- next chapter->

Start at the beginning

The medication was amazing for over two weeks. Dan was happy to get used to the constant silence and peace around him and he started to actually enjoy going to school. Teachers started noticing that he wasn’t dozing off in their classes anymore and one of them even called Dan’s dad to ask if anything happened to him.

Exactly two weeks and three days after the medication had started to completely kick in, Dan walked into his bedroom to see The Captain lying on his bed. He could see him for just a few seconds before the cat disappeared again, but it was long enough for Dan to know that he’d really seen him. He felt his heart drop in his chest and he sat down on the floor, not bothering to close the door behind him.

He was back.

The Captain was back.

Did the medication stop working? Did he remember to take his pills? He was sure he’d taken them the night before.

Over the next few days, his old symptoms slowly started to come back to him. Dan couldn’t get the Mario theme song out of his head and every afternoon after school he paced around his room, watching the characters around him appear, disappear and reappear every few seconds. It was making him dizzier than the steady hallucinations ever had. He was never sure when they would show up, nor did he know when they’d disappear again. Oasis had disappeared in the middle of a sentence and reappeared in a different place a few minutes later, picking up her words where she’d left off.

He didn’t tell anyone about it, but Phil probably suspected something, as Dan’s phone had been lying in the same spot on his desk for days now and Dan could hear it buzz every now and again to tell him that Phil had messaged him.

The characters and voices started getting worse and worse. The pills were suppressing them, but only to the point where they wouldn’t stay in the same place for more than a few seconds, or they would stop talking after the same amount of time and start talking about something else about a minute later. It wore Dan out and he started skipping school again.

Two days before Dan’s scheduled appointment with Michelle to talk about whether he wanted to keep taking his pills or not, the headmaster of his school called to ask his mother about why Dan had been skipping classes again.

She confronted him with his truancy when he came downstairs for dinner that night, and as soon as he saw her face he knew he was in trouble. “Your headmaster called me.” She began.

Dan had heard enough with those four words. He turned around and started sprinting up the stairs to his floor. He slammed the door behind him and locked it, making sure no one could come in. He let his back slide down the door until he was sitting on the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest.

Breathing was getting more and more difficult with every passing second and the characters standing in front of him were now flashing, their brightness being different with each flash. He tried to get his breathing under control, but it only got more uneven and his head started to feel light, like it was about to detach from his body and float away. As if called he could just catch a flash of his own head floating near the ceiling when he looked up, but it was gone after he blinked a few times.

“No more medication. I told you you couldn’t escape us ever.” It was The Captain’s familiar voice terrorising his head.

“Stop this.” Dan managed to spit out. His face was turning red from lack of oxygen.

“You can’t black out yet. You don’t deserve the peace of being knock-out. Pull yourself together, you fucking freak.”

Dan pulled himself up onto his hands and knees and crawled over to the bathroom. He hadn’t cut himself in weeks. Maybe he just needed to let the negativity out again for this all to stop. That was how he handled it usually.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.

It was hard to find his blades with the flashing images in front of his eyes, so he closed his eyes. His hands searched the shelves of the cupboard for the white box until he felt his fingers close around the plastic. He opened his eyes and randomly grabbed one of the blades. He hurriedly pulled up the sleeve of his right arm. He took half a second to take in the sight of his arm as it was now. All the cuts from before his medication were fading and some were no more than a thin red line marring his pale wrist far away from perfection. Then he pressed the blade into his arm. It was a lot deeper than the last time he’d cut, because this time he needed it again. Last time he hadn’t needed and hadn’t wanted it, but The Captain had made him do it. This time he craved the pain and he craved to see the red lines turn into cuts and the pale skin be covered by the red of his own blood.

When his mum knocked on the door half an hour later Dan was still sitting on the bathroom floor. He heard her knock and looked up for a second, “Go away.” He shouted at her.

“Are you okay in there?”

“Go away.” Dan repeated. He wiped away some blood with a towel to find a clean place to cut.

“Dan, open the door, sweetheart.”

Dan didn’t reply anymore. The voices and characters were afraid he’d listen to her and follow her advice and they’d started screaming loud enough to drown away any other sound and any thought Dan could’ve possible used to pull himself out of the madness of his own head.

It was eating him from the inside. He couldn’t hear his own thoughts and had no voice to reason with the voices in his head. He was unsure whether some of the voices were his own thoughts or if they were characters made up by his brain that was spinning out of control. He couldn’t do anything but follow what they said blindly.

His screaming was an attempt to hear himself over the pounding in his head, but it was of no use. He could hear his mum’s voice but he wasn’t sure if it was actually her or if it was just in his head.

His mother had sat down on the floor outside his bedroom door. She could hear his screams and bit her lip, knowing she couldn’t do anything to help her son from this position. With shaking hands she pulled out her phone and called Michelle, who promised her that she’d take people who were capable of breaking down a door, just in case they would need it.

As soon as she’d pressed the red button she dialled Phil’s number. There was no doubt in her mind that the person Dan would want to see most right now was Phil. He always wanted to see Phil.

“Phil.” She heard his voice say on the other side.

“Phil, it’s Dan’s mother, Karen. Can you come over? It’s kind of an emergency.”

“I’m on my way.”

He was easy like that, she thought. He would always drop everything to help Dan. She liked this boy a lot and hoped they’d stay together, although she wasn’t even sure if they were officially together. What she did know was that Dan was absolutely crazy about Phil and he was the light of her son’s life, keeping him on his feet and motivating him to try and get better.

Phil arrived first. He had a backpack swung over his shoulder and he looked like he’d come straight from university, next to him was a woman whom Karen vaguely recognised as his mother, Kathryn. Kathryn walked up to her and offered her her hand, “I know this isn’t the perfect time for introductions, but my name is Kathryn. Thought you should know that.”

“I’m Karen, nice to meet you. I’m sorry I made you drive here at such short notice, I’m sure you have other things to do.” She gave Kathryn a weak smile.

“Phil said it was an emergency.” The other woman simply said. She was just like Phil: willing to drop anything in order to help others.

“What’s going on?” Phil asked.

“I’m not sure. He’s locked himself in his room and a few minutes ago he was screaming for me, his father and you. I don’t know what to do.”

Kathryn pulled her to her feet and put an arm around her in that motherly way. She was older than Karen by a few years. “We need to keep our heads clear. The last thing he needs right now is for us to all lose it. I think he’s got it pretty difficult in that mind of his, from what I’ve heard so far.”

“He does.” Karen agreed. She looked exhausted from everything. This situation was the last straw: she was going to make Dan keep taking those pills, whether he wanted to or not. She loved him to death, but she knew that neither of them could carry the burden of his untreated illness any longer. She’d talk about it with him as soon as this was all over.

Michelle looked surprisingly calm when she walked onto the hall with three men walking behind her, who all looked exceptionally serious about the whole situation.

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Michelle asked. She put her hand on the door, but didn’t seem to plan on attempting to get it open.

“He locked himself in his room and he was screaming, I don’t think he could hear me anymore when I talked to him. Either that or it just doesn’t get through to him.”

“Has he been taking his medication?”

“As far as I know, yes. On days I have dinner with him myself I make sure he takes them and if I’m not with him I’ve got four people who work in the kitchen watching him. He’s taken them every day.”

“I suspect they’re not strong enough, his body has already gotten used to them. He needs stronger pills. Do you know if he is planning on continuing to take his medication?”

“I think he isn’t, but I’m going to make sure he is going to take them because I cannot take this anymore. And I’m not saying this out of selfish motives, but I no longer want to see my son suffer anymore. Do you know what it’s like to hear him scream to you for help but you’re not able to do anything to help him? It’s horrible. It makes me ache all over.”

Michelle nodded knowingly, “I know, Karen. We’ll figure this out when this is over, alright? As much as we would want to, we can’t make his decisions for him.”

“The system is faulty. He clearly cannot make rational decisions about what’s best for him.”

All six heads shot up when they heard something violently crash into the floor in the room behind the door next to them. They were fairly certain it wasn’t Dan who had just collided with the wooden surface, but they heard him curse loudly after the crash.

“Dan, are you okay in there? Do you need help?”

The reply came in the form of a stack of books flung at the door, which made all six of them take a step back.

“Dan, if you open the door we can make it stop. We can help you, I promise.” Michelle tried again. Her voice was calm and steady and Karen wasn’t sure how she managed.

They could hear Dan stomp around the room and throw things onto the floor, and sometimes they could hear a hiss of pain, but they were unsure of what was hurting him.

“Dan?” Phil finally spoke up.

It was quiet for just a second, before the next stack of books was thrown at the door. After that, a deafening silence fell over them all. There were soft footsteps on the other side of the door, but none of them knew what Dan was doing now.

Dan felt a weird sense of peace settle down on top of the mess in his head, covering it so that all the voices were muffled and he had a little room to think, when he saw one of the books that had fallen onto the floor after it had hit the door. It was the book Phil had bought for him that first time they’d met at the bookstore. He slowly walked over to it and sank down on the floor on his knees, pulling the book onto his lap. His fingers traced the letters of the title and the author on the cover as his breathing started to even out. He remembered that moment when Phil had first handed him the book and their fingers touched just for a split second, and Dan had felt his heart jump and his breath catch in his throat.

The moment of silence lasted about a minute, then the voices managed to dig themselves out of the layer of peace that had settled on them and they were back in business, screaming curses and hurtful things at Dan.

Dan seemed to never get tired. The only moment of silence had been just after he’d thrown the second stack of books at the door, and after that he’d been busy walking around, kicking and throwing things, until he stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. They couldn’t hear him throw stuff around anymore, but they could hear him whimper every few seconds. None of them said it, but they all knew what he was doing and Karen sank down against the wall again, with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.

Dan’s father Timothy came upstairs about an hour after Karen had, and sat down next to his wife, putting an arm around her. It seemed like it was never going to end. All they could hear was this endless circle of throwing and kicking, and hissing in pain in the bathroom. The three men had offered to break down the door and just drag him out multiple times now, and each time Michelle had told them that Dan still had too much energy for them to do that, as they had no idea what his reaction would be. After all he’d have a few seconds before they could get to him after kicking the door down and they didn’t know what he would do in those few seconds.

Suicide.

They were all thinking it, but no one had the guts to say the word out loud, in fear of making any one of the others even more upset than they already were.

It wasn’t until two am, by which time they’d all sat down on the floor and were softly talking to each other, that it finally became quiet in the room. And not just ‘Dan’s in the bathroom’- quiet, but actually completely quiet. They all sat up a bit to listen, but the noise didn’t start again. They sat there, just listening, for fifteen minutes until Michelle broke the silence by whispering, “Now is the time. It’s now or never.”

They all got up and got out of the way of the three men, who had by now introduced themselves as Jack, Michael and Levi, who were getting ready to kick the door in.

The guests wouldn’t appreciate this wakeup call at two am, Karen and Timothy knew that, but they’d pay all the guests back their expenses of the night or give them free meals or something like that if they had to.

The actual act of kicking in the door was surprisingly fast and surprisingly quiet. It was a short bang, when Michael’s foot collided with the door just beside the door handle, and Jack managed to catch it before it would slam against the wall behind it, to make sure it wouldn’t hit Dan if he were to be sleeping in front of the door.

He wasn’t though. It took them half a second to locate his body beside the bed, rolled up into a ball with his head pressed against the cool wood of his night stand.

Dan had just enough time to raise his head before he was lifted up by Michael and Levi. “Can you walk?” Michael asked him.

Dan squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. The voices were slowly starting back up, but he had heard the man’s question. “Yes.” He said. He was lowered so that his feet now hit the floor and they gave him a few seconds to stabilise himself before they led him out of the room.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fanfiction #phan au #tw #tw self harm #self harm #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #painting flowers

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