deludedcrayon - Tumblr blog

[deludedcrayon]

I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt I want to cvt…

[deludedcrayon]

starting to accept that nothing will get better and i’m stuck this way for the rest of my life

[deludedcrayon]

reminiscing on the good old days (when i was severely mentally ill and addicted to sh and no one knew)

[deludedcrayon]

really trying to make excuses for my friendd because they’re the only ones i have but am i being overdramatic for this interaction in our groupchat?

me: *talking about how negatively i feel about my body, horrible anxiety about work tmrw, about to have a panic attack*

my friends: should i buy this dress😋

i understand not knowing how yo respond to someone going thru it, but even a “im sorry” or “i love you” would be nice. my friends vent about their problems or insecurities or anxieties and i reply to every single message with advice or even jusy kindness to hopefully help them. but the minute i vent its ignored? im so tired of this. its been like this in every friendship ive had i have no other reason but to believe im the problem. why cant i just d1e already. if i could sh at least without getting institutionalized that would help to but i have nothing. what am i even living for at this point? i dont even know.

[deludedcrayon]

i want to kill myself so bad but knowing if i fail i’ll end up in mental hospital is the worst feeling ever.

[deludedcrayon]

The moment you actually start thinking about suicide again after being okay is so painful

[deludedcrayon]

i feel so angry at my parents for forcing me into existence. i didn’t ask to be alive. not a single fucking day goes by where i don’t wish i wasn’t born. not one.

[deludedcrayon]

you know how much pain i could’ve saved myself if i had actually just killed myself five years ago like i wanted?

[deludedcrayon]

How do people make it out alive with severe mental illness? How do you live knowing providers can’t agree on what your problem is but they can agree that they don’t know what to do with it? How do you live knowing no matter how good the good parts of life get it will never be worth how dark the bad gets? How do you live knowing if you do choose to die there’s a chance you won’t succeed?

[deludedcrayon]

So close to overdosing - idk I don’t really feel like dying but I so badly want to go back into a coma and that state of nothingness again.

[deludedcrayon]

[deludedcrayon]

Every year of my life I've been told "it's going to get better. You just have to wait." When I was 10 I was supposed to feel better at 13. When I was 13 I was supposed to feel better at 16. At 16 I was supposed to feel better at 18. At 18 I was supposed to feel better when I moved out. I try to listen, I try to look forward to the future, but nothing changes. And my biggest fear- the thing that scares me more than anything in the entire world- as that I'm going to wake up one day, old and alone, and realize I wasted my entire life wishing it was already over.

God, I hope this year is my last.

[deludedcrayon]

[deludedcrayon]

Do you ever get scared of your own self when you go outside? I have all these well-thought methods and all this self-hatred that overwhelm me to the point where I think that I might just attempt with no warning.

[deludedcrayon]

[deludedcrayon]

maybe life is so hard because I wasn't supposed to be here at this age and god just tries to finally get rid of me

[deludedcrayon]

Wanting to die is such a hard feeling

You know you're not supposed to be here, but you still go to sleep and wake up.

It doesn't matter how hurt you are and how much you hurt yourself, you'll never have the satisfaction of death