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We looked inside some of the posts by dementomania-blog and here's what we found interesting.
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7
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3
Reblog Per Post
4
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0
Time Between Posts
2 days
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16
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Lately I have been feeling physically sick, I just need to take a deep breath to calm myself. It doesn't help when this other part of me keeps talking to me and telling me things I do not want to hear. It was never hard to block that part of me out but yet again I have never had anything go this wrong before. Maybe that's why its affecting me so much, knowing I can't fix all these issues I have been having. I keep holding a utility knife before I sleep but I don't know why. I hold it to my throat not really knowing why, I just have an impulse. Like an instinct, not knowing what I am doing, almost emotionless. Until I realize and wonder if it could be that other part of me "taking over" but I know it can't be. He can't have any real control over me, can he?
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-Hearing her name, seeing the jacket she borrowed in the corner of my eye, noticing something that just reminds me of her just makes me feel hallow and just depressed. I am consistently tempted to ask a friend about her or just send her a message. So I see other girls and drink alone until I cry myself asleep.
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-My image means a lot to me, maybe even too much. I can't yet anyone see me depressed or any any negative mood what so ever. I need to be stronger than this I know I can. I can't let myself drop this defense again, I already dropped it once. I am still recovering from opening up and I need to be strong enough to retain this positive image. I know its not healthy for me but its better for everyone else.
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-I can't stand this feeling, hoping someone hears me crying at night and convinces me to talk to them. I am struggling to just get up in the morning because I just don't see myself being important. Everyday seems like a strain just to get to the next day and I just don't know when things are going to look up for me. I was always told to do "the right thing" and think about others first to get to a positive place in life. I am a broken hearted, 20 year old with nothing to look forward to because I have given everything up to someone else. I guess I just Have to get though each day, there isn't anything I can do besides continue to do the "right thing".
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-Why are you bothering with all of this exercise? This health kick or whatever you want to call it. we will probably be dead soon anyway.
-I am not going to die anytime soon, I want to get fit so I can think a little bit better about myself.
-How is that going so far? We have been "fit" for a long time and you still don't think much of yourself.
-Why do you keep reminding me?
-How else can I convince you to just give up and be depressed in the corner? It takes less effort, for both of us. You always wanted to die young why die successful?
-That's not what I meant, I meant I can't see where I would be in the future. You know that's what I meant.
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-I have been thinking about death lately, not taking my own life or anything. I am just consistently reminded of how fragile it really is. The only way I can imagine it is just nothing. I would think its just like shutting you're eyes and not having the ability to think but then having that sensation is a part of existing. No one can feel anything once they are gone, the bad and the good sensations. No one can look back and have regrets about decisions they did or didn't make. Once someone is gone they just stop existing, thinking about that just blows me away. I wonder what would change if I died but I remember I wouldn't exist, the feeling I gave others won't have any value afterwards. I wouldn't be happy if I died, I wouldn't have any emotion. I guess I should keep living so I can at least give others any form of positive emotion and give my existence a small amount of worth.
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-I was so close to sending her a message last night, in my drunken state it seemed like a good idea. I didn't end up sending anything and I know it was a good idea not to. With that said I know I could convince her to be with me but that isn't why I shouldn't message her its because I gave everything up for her. I gave up a job I loved to spend nights with her, a good amount of time with family and friends, I took time out of every hobby I felt proud of and I never really got anything back. I feel really selfish saying that but its the truth, I wanted to make her happy. I know now that I deserve someone who will still take these things away from me but give just as much without me even mentioning it, because I never will. I am afraid, I am afraid that I won't stop loving her.
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-How do you get help without letting someone know you're vulnerable?
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-I woke up a couple of nights ago with a large area of skin missing from my arm again, I scratch my sleep. I can't let anyone see it, yet I sorta hope someone notices. I hope they notice so they can convince me to get help before more scars are left on my skin.
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"when someone says it's true love till' the end of time, the other walks away" there has never been a quote that's hit so close to home.
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It's strange feeling like you have nothing to do, even though you have an abundance of things to do. It's just as strange being so lonely when you have so many friends.
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-Even when I am doing something I truly enjoy I seem to get these depressing feelings. I hate knowing that there isn't alot I can do to overcome these feelings by myself.
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-When someone asks me how I am going I have always wanted to say "it's been a rough day". The problem is I just can't bring myself to do it. I really wish I couldn't hide these depressing emotions so well and someone would notice.
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-Pointless dates with girls I will never love, friends who believe nothing negative will ever affect me. Video games always make me happy but as soon as I stop I drop back into this depression. Drinking seems to take me away from the problem rather than solving it. I really can't be bothered doing anything productive because in some small way its just easier to just lay down and accept I will be sad for a very long time.
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-I hate this feeling, I feel obsessed. I wish I wasn't, its her birthday and she got a new hair cut. I shouldn't care I don't want to but I just do and I know she will be out and about for her birthday and I won't even cross her mind. I want to just give in to these voices in my head and give up on trying to stay positive. I will just keep it on the surface, everyone will still think I am the most positive guy around but I will stop trying to think that.
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-If someone says they Love you and you truly believe them, the most crushing this Isn't them leaving. Its wondering if they still Love you once they do.
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-I have never really had a goal, when I was a kid I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I didn't really think about it, the idea of the future bored me. Even as a teenager I didn't really have any goals or aspirations, I just did what people wanted and expected me to do. I just wanted to make people happy, that was all I really wanted. Even though I was never happy myself I could always fake that emotion of cheerful and happy to keep people spirits up. Now I have no idea what to do, every now and then I get an idea of what I might do but I just ever do anything about it, I hate myself more and more because of that. I feel like all I can do at the moment is keep getting though the days and keep my mind off things be staying busy.
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