digitaltransdiary

[digitaltransdiary]

My cousin placed an order for two Lego pieces that cost $21 on my Lego profile. Either I have to be the asshole and cancel it, or I have to pay for the order and not get him anything for his birthday. I'm leaning more towards cancelling the order AND not getting him anything for his birthday cause WTAF, dude. $21?!?!

[digitaltransdiary]

142 days on T

I got my first tattoo. Technically, my first two tattoos. It's incredible. I liked the artist, and I'm definitely going back to her for my next tattoos. I was a bit of a wuss and had to have my friend show me Insta reels half the time and close my eyes and listen to music the other half, but I managed to stay relaxed. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be tbh. I'm already getting the itch to get two more.

My dad isn't too happy that one of the tattoos is visible, but he needs to grow up and realise that I saved up for these pieces of art.

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

Since my dad is kicking me out, I am making a list of petty things I am doing on the day I move

Taking all the toilet paper

Taking all the salt and pepper

Taking his crocs and car magazines

Taking all of the phone chargers

Sprinkling a little sugar in the corner of each room

Taking the only mugs that fit into his coffee machine

Taking his hot chocolate powder

Taking all of the ibuprofen and paracetamol.

[digitaltransdiary]

Personal post/Rant (sorry)

My dad has given me two weeks to move out, and I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money to move yet, and I don't know anyone that will put up with me. I can't go to my mum. I can't tell my omi. I can't go to my poppa or his gf. I can't go to my nana. I'm so alone.

He's smoking again, which means that he's an asshole, but I didn't think he'd kick me out. Like, yeah, I was being a dick by changing his name on Netflix to Dickhead, but he was the own that started it. I made my own profile on Netflix and set it to my name and my favourite character, then he changed it to my deadname and changed the profile to a girl character.

And yeah, I get that I'm messy, but I always clean up by inspection day and whenever he asks me to.

This fucking sucks. I'm so close to telling his GF about how he stole over $900 from me over 3 years.

He's being such an asshole over a fucking joke.

[digitaltransdiary]

131 days on T

I just got my first packer, and it's so cool! Walking around is downright awkward, and my favourite sweatpants have an awkward bulge since they are 'women's pants', but I am getting used to it.

I've been spending most of my day sitting or laying since I'm sore and tired most of the time. I had to skip archery on Sunday due to the pain.

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

122 days on T/4 months!!!

I've come to accept the fact that my mum wasn't transphobic to anyone other than me. It's hard to accept, but it's the truth. She was a loyal ally to her trans students, friends, and even random celebrities and always used the right name and pronouns for them but refused to accept me, her eldest child and the one person that needed her support more than any other trans person in the world.

She tells me I'm not really trans, but instead going through a phase and tells me that I'm only 19, don't know what I want and that she thought that she knew everything when she was my age but didn't really (this part hurt because she had me at 19). She also said I needed to focus on my physical and mental well-being before jumping into a hurried decision (I AM!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!!!! I LITERALLY THOUGHT I'D DIE AT 19 BEFORE GOING ON T AND NOW I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!!!)

I keep on reading over the message she'd sent me when I told her I was going to start on T, and each time, I feel something new. Anger. Fear. Remorse. Empathy. Sadness. Anger again. A deep and bitter jealousy of all those whose parents accepted them and helped them pay for top surgery.

God, it's so hard. I mourn the relationship we had when I was little (even if she was verbally abusive) and wish I'd realised or had the words to explain it when I was a kid instead of as a 12 year old that decided to hide it, but deep down, I know that she still wouldn't have accepted me for who I am.

I want to text her every day and ask her how and why she could accept others but not me and why she decided to act so much like her mother, who disowned the two of us because mum dated women. I don't understand how she could go through being treated like that for being bi and still decide that she'd treat me the same.

And I know that some would say that she 'lOsT hEr BaBy GiRl', but she could have still had me, her son, and the person I was for three whole entire years before moving out. She could have still been my mother. I don't really think she lost me. She gained a part of me she didn't have access to before.

I guess I've been using this account as more of an open diary. Which is cool but weird to think about. I could never keep an actual diary but have been (somewhat) keeping this up and running,

S

Also, yes, this post is almost entirely me complaining about my mum. That's normal. I'm allowed to complain. I'm mainly complaining because it was her birthday a few days ago.

[digitaltransdiary]

120 days on T

I now have backne and chestne (gross but expected). My voice is getting quite low.

Doing my sport has actually helped my pain a bit. No more shoulder dislocations. It's hard to build muscle, but it's really rewarding at the same time.

I haven't told anyone at the club that I'm trans yet. They all just think I'm a short dude that's a little chunky. I don't think I'm going to bring it up unless I start competing (fingers crossed 🤞), though. I'd feel a little awkward bringing it up.

My country's sports agency was supposed to come out with a new plan to help trans people get into sports, but the government told them not to. I have a feeling it was the conservative party, but I can't speculate too much. It sucks.

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

115 days on T

Being on T has been one of the best experiences ever. I've started building up more muscle, which is great for my archery. Oh and my period definitely isn't coming which is so cool!

I think I've been spending too much time on TikTok because I've come across people complaining about trans men who identify as lesbians (like, who CARES. It's nobodies business what labels others use to explain their experience with their identity). These sorts of 'controversies' always pop up when the northern hemisphere has summer. Get them kids out of the identity police force and back in school.

Signing off tired of identity politics,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

Ah shit accidentally reblogged that to the wrong account 🤦‍♂️. Sorry, mate.

hi!!! would it be okay for me to ask you some questions relating starting testosterone and if it’s affecting your heds symptoms at all? totally fine if not, but as someone with heds who wants to start HRT soon, i’m looking for others personal experiences :3 /nf

congrats on your transitioning journey!!!

Oh yeah, totally, ask away, mate! I'd be honoured to answer any questions you may have.

[digitaltransdiary]

hi!!! would it be okay for me to ask you some questions relating starting testosterone and if it’s affecting your heds symptoms at all? totally fine if not, but as someone with heds who wants to start HRT soon, i’m looking for others personal experiences :3 /nf

congrats on your transitioning journey!!!

Oh yeah, totally, ask away, mate! I'd be honoured to answer any questions you may have.

[digitaltransdiary]

111 days on T!

I have COVID again, which sucks. It makes my chronic illnesses flare up, which means that I am in a lot of pain and that I am tired all the time. I managed to dislocate my ankle by moving funny.

T is still treating me well. I am starting to grow chest hair, and my stomach hair is growing darker and darker (really cool, TBH).

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

101 days on T!

I've started getting gendered correctly out in public. People still think I'm a 15yo boy, but it's better than looking like a 19yo butch lady.

T is treating me really well. I love it. The only downside so far is the ridiculous amount of pimples, but I've got that undercontrol.

It's pretty hard being poor. I wish I could get top surgery right now, but it's $18,000 ($10,000 usd), and I can't afford that. And I have to be on T for a full year.

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

99 days on T

Been feeling really good. My T is working wonders. I was told before starting that I'll get angry and stuff, but I've been feeling great. My T levels are actually at an incredible level.

I forgot to go to therapy group for, like, 6 weeks, but it's been fine.

I've been exploring my sexuality. Turns out I'm not ace.

My hair on my stomach is growing darker, and now I'm starting to get hair on my chest. And my voice has dropped a lot. I'm losing a little hair at my temples, but most of my family members kept their hair into their 90s, so I'll be fine.

Feeling great,

S <3

[digitaltransdiary]

78 days on testosterone

Random places I now have hair, ranked by how much I like it:

My stomach. Surprising but pretty cool

My chest. This one is self-explanatory

My thighs. Expected. I like it

My asscrack. I knew I'd get ass hair, I just didn't expect it in the asscrack.

My dad noticed that my voice has dropped...

...

It dropped several months ago

Signing off

S

[digitaltransdiary]

67 days on T

I found out that I might have endometriosis. It sucks, but right now, it's still a might. It would explain a lot about my periods and all of my issues. And it's a comorbid condition with something else I've got. I always have the worst luck when it comes to these things.

My doctor won't listen to my debilitating problems, and I doubt any other doctor will, but I'm used to it. She refused to give me a medical certificate to get me onto disability payments and refuses to diagnose me with hEDS (even though I have all the symptoms needed for diagnosis) both would help me a lot when it comes to receiving healthcare, but I'm so used to doctors not listening to me.

I'm surviving

S

[digitaltransdiary]

59 days on T

I'm two days away from being 2 months on T! Super excited!

I have been in pretty intense pain at the moment due to my chronic illness. My gp doesn't believe me, though.

Signing off,

S

[digitaltransdiary]

53 days on T

The hair on my thighs (and my upper lip) is darker, my emotions are pretty steady (I'm not as depressed as often), and I've been feeling really great overall.

I've started saving up for top surgery in Thailand. The wait list in my country is super long, and I'm likely to get rejected because of my BMI. It'll unfortunately cost about $11,000 USD, but it's better than paying $19,500 USD to get it here.

I still have a crush on a friend of mine, but I'm trying to ignore it.

Signing off,

S