dry-soliloquies

[dry-soliloquies]

of working and learning from older people

I started working in this agency when I was 22. It was my first job fresh out of college. And it wasn't what I was expecting when I thought what it would be like working in the government. I thought this was worse - way worse.

In the Philippines, we have this preconceived notion that civil servants are cruel, corrupt, lazy, and incompetent most of the time. (But there I was, huh?) And during my first day, I just about ticked all of the above. They were indifferent to me! Most of them were old people who half of the time aren't really working! I thought, I couldn't last in here!

But four years later, I am still here. Working with the same old people who I thought of negatively. One by one they are retiring, and little by little my heart is breaking. Because I was proven wrong. Way, way wrong.

I grew maturely and immaturely because of them. They taught me about life, the know-how and shortcuts in the office, how to treat my parents better, and even about sex! My mind and mouth got dirtier overtime. They taught me how to save up and live a little but not comprise myself respect. They taught me a lot of things and made me cherish every moment I have with them.

Today, I am reminded that they are growing older. And in a year or two, more of them will be retiring and I would be seeing them less or even for the last time. It is so sad just thinking about it. But also, it makes me happy knowing that they could enjoy life more and spend time with their family. I just hope I had more time with them...

[dry-soliloquies]

my life and thoughts lately

I recently got promoted to Administrative Assistant III (Computer Operator II). This was the position Ms. Cathy vacated when she retired last January.

I am happy for many reasons. For one, this means a raise even though I will now be paying tax due to my annual salary. Second, I can somehow save up a little by increasing my contributions while I still want to experience more in my life. And lastly, I feel like I am growing again even though it felt so slow since this took almost four years.

To be honest, I was anticipating a call from an agency I applied for last year since they came in contact again last January. But I haven't heard from them since and I chose to think that this promotion was God's sign that this is my path. Siguro, hindi pa ako handa para sa posisyon na iyon, at siguro ito ang mas makakabuti sa akin ngayon.

Madalas kasi gusto ko ng mabilisan. I want things to happen immediately. I want results and I want them now. It comes from all these anxiety that I am growing older and still feel like I haven't grown up to the measurement I have in my head and of course, there are times that I compare myself and my life with other people's.

Doon ako mali at iyon ang dapat kong iwasan. Kaillangan kong laging tandaan na may plano at tamang oras para sa akin si Lord.

Next - gusto ko mag-aral ulit. Hindi ko alam kung masters ba o ibang kurso. Pero gusto ko iangat at palawakin ang kaalaman ko tungkol sa trabaho ko. Kaya sana next year, kung papalarin at kung ibibigay ni Lord ay sana makapag-aral akong muli.

[dry-soliloquies]

[dry-soliloquies]

First photo was taken last night when I was still on a Discord video call with my boyfriend, and the second photo was taken this morning which I sent to my boyfriend.

I don't know if it's just the camera angle, the difference of lighting between my computer screen and the natural sunrays, or even the time it was taken but for me, I look different.

I look like my age on the first picture. Totally not innocent and barely holding my shit together. While I look like coming out of my teenage years on the second picture, full of excitement and joy which of course will be dampened by reality.

[dry-soliloquies]

What a ride it was, 2023!

Here are my 2023 highlights:

hiked Mt. Pico de Loro with highschool friends

went out on a date with Firefly and became his girlfriend

went to Art Fair Philippines with college thesismates

met my boyfriend's family

underwent surgery

experienced the Van Gogh Alive exhibit with college thesismates

had a short vacation in Boracay again with my aunt

baked cookies with Firefly as my Christmas gift

[dry-soliloquies]

Cookie Christmas

Months ago, my boyfriend and I were talking about Christmas and gift giving. His family was not used to gift giving or exchanging gifts during Christmas and he carried this out until now. He isn't the type of guy who goes out of his way to get someone he loves a gift.

Unlike me.

Although we have the same family situation about gifts, I personally like buying and giving gifts to family and close friends. I like buying or making them something that would make them feel loved and appreciated. I even bought him wireless earphones on our first date! That's how bad I am. (Or good, whatever you think of this.)

And while I love opening presents so much - like literally unwrapping them from crisp papers that my parents don't even open gifts given to them for me to do the honors - weirdly, I get awkward receiving gifts. Yeah, yeah, what the hell, right?

That's why when Firefly asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I didn't say that I want to get something materialistic. Instead, I said that I wanted to bake brownies with him. (He attended a course for this before.)

Sadly, we didn't get to bake brownies.

We made cookies instead!

It was a disaster at first - starting with me going back to our house to get some of the ingredients and gifts I bought for his family when I was already on my way, to having baking powder instead of baking soda, and burning our first batch of cookies! But as we put on the second up to the last batch of cookies in the oven and watch it rise, it became better and better.

I'm so thankful for Firefly because I get to experience baking again since the last time I did it was in high school. He was also feeling sick at that time and just got off from work, but he picked me up and went straight to baking with me. He did 70% of the work because I didn't trust myself with anything other than prepping the ingredients and washing the dishes.

Other than that, my mom liked the cookies and I even got a hug from his mom before I left their house.

It was indeed a core memory for our relationship. We're already planning and talking about how we can get a smaller and newer oven to try other recipes. I hope we get to do it because I'm really looking forward to it.

[dry-soliloquies]

God is in control.

I remember almost chanting these words a couple of years ago when I was accompanying Ate Yayoi around Cavite, trying to catch a P2P bus to Makati. We were on our way home from our internship in a rehabilitation facility in Amadeo. No one was available to fetch her, and it was a bit late at night that we weren't able to catch the last bus of P2P in Dasma. I told her I knew that there were P2P buses in Noveleta, so she checked the schedule and if we hurry, she might just catch the last bus there.

But the commute from Amadeo to Noveleta is long and arduous. Half of the time, she was even asking me if I would let her sleep in our house to which I answered of course, yes. I also remember her saying these words, "God is in control". He is in control of her situation. He is in control of all the things around her, and of whether she will make it or not.

And these has stuck with me ever since. Every time I am in a difficult situation, I would say these words, too - "God is in control".

Hence, I believe that He is in control of my situation right now which is somewhat complicated, more so when it stays in my head for long.

The one problem I have with being responsible is that it doesn't completely free me from anxiety and endless worries. Even though I did and took all steps necessary to be a responsible adult, there are still things that weigh me down and keep me from having a peaceful sleep at night and enjoying the present moments I have in my life.

It makes me think that, well, these are the same feelings I have when I was being reckless and irresponsible, did I just really do those for nothing?

All along I thought that if I did the right and responsible thing, I would have been free from all the negativity.

But I wasn't.

An every time I look back, I also realize that I am distancing myself from God during these times. Perhaps I was too focused on other thins, was too happy, was too careless that I forget and ignore my personal relationship with Him.

So, I go and find my way back to Him. Cast my anxiety and weary to Him, because at my lowest and desperate times, He is the only one I can turn to.

Lord, I am seeking you once again, and letting You be in control.

[dry-soliloquies]

special leave benefits for women

I think I was in first year college when I first felt the mass on my right breast, and I remember telling my mother about it while getting teary-eyed because I was afraid. All I could think at that time was, I was young, but I could already die of cancer. There's a big possibility of that because my dad and his family had different cancer types from colon to breast cancer. Imagine the horror.

But, I didn't still particularly do anything about it. I didn't even remember having it checked by a doctor because mom told me something similar in her case wherein a doctor also found masses on her breasts and they just aspirated those. So, I think it was just normal and harmless.

Fast forward this year during our annual physical examination, the examining doctor checked my breast and felt it, too. I was embarrassed and felt fear again because I knew for fact that I could no longer ignore it. That's why during the follow up consultation I asked for a breast ultrasound request to have it finally checked. And once I did, a doctor found out 6 masses in total - one on the left, and 5 on the right. The one I felt was the biggest one on the right, and I didn't know about the others! There were so many of them.

Everything was so quick after that. When I got my ultrasound result, I went straight to a surgeon the same day, then had a schedule for my minor surgery because she advised me that even though the result of the ultrasound looked good, she didn't want to give a final diagnosis without a biopsy result which was understandable.

I then underwent surgery on 12 August 2023, Saturday. They took out the big mass on the left breast, and the biggest one on the right. I was advised to rest for two weeks while also waiting for the biopsy result. I took time off from work, and thank God for magna carta for women. I had at least two months leave with pay for this kind of surgery. It helped that the deduction on leave credits didn't add to my worries.

On 26 August 2023, Saturday, we came back for a checkup on my wounds and result. The fibroadenoma found were benign.

THANK GOD.

I couldn't thank God more. To be honest, I didn't pray for myself for it to be benign. Instead, I prayed for my family, especially my mom. I didn't want her to go through cancer therapy and medication again. Like when my dad had colon cancer. My mom went through hell and high water for all of us already. So, thank God. Thank you, God because I know that the good result was really for my mom.

With this experience, I was once again reminded that health is indeed wealth. And that God's grace will come through, not matter what and through any means.

Let's stay healthy everyone.

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Hello old friend, I sent you out there years ago and you went and spread a lot of good karma, I just need your favour again, help me find some work 🧡

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we’re gonna be ok btw

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manifesting

ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICER II (HUMAN RESOURCE OFFICER I)

ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICER I

SALARY GRADE 10

SALARY GRADE 11

CUTIE

[dry-soliloquies]

being in love

In fifteen days, it will be half a year since my boyfriend and I started dating and became official on our first ever date and meetup.

Too soon, eh?

If you were talking to the 2022 me, I would have agreed with you. I still do somehow, but I have also liked the idea of moving forward and dropping the pretense of courtship immediately for some time now. Being straightforward, blunt, and honest was the way to go which was what we chose.

See, we just started out as playmates in Valorant last December. Then hung out often on Discord and we knew each other deeper. Until one day, he just suddenly made a personal call on Discord on the way home “so he wouldn’t fall asleep while driving”, asked me to watch one of his favorite animés, and stayed up late talking... even though we both have work the next day.

It was definitely a State of Grace moment for me wherein I didn’t see him coming. I didn’t even entertain the idea that he would find me interesting because we’re different! And that’s only starting with our age gap. But, we really don’t have control on who we come to like, do we?

And so here we go, with somewhat a long distance relationship, twice a month dates, minor misunderstandings even before we became official, a lot of firsts, tons of laughs, and a little bit of tears, we’re going to celebrate this occasion. Most people celebrate anniversaries, but give me a break, this is my first ever relationship and it feels splendid to me.

Our relationship isn’t perfect. Neither of us is. But I love the fact that we both have the same ideals and goals towards where we want to go in the future, and that we are always optimistic about the highs and lows that might come our way.

I hope that we choose to stay in love every day, to compromise, to understand, to stay.

[dry-soliloquies]

I laid down on my cold wooden bedroom floor after a long day at work. It was raining all day today, but it didn’t stop the warmth and smiles I gave and received today.

Despite it supposedly being a fun and joyous day, I felt dread and apprehension for the new year—more specifically of the tasks I needed to accomplish at work. So, I wanted to listen to some upbeat songs which led me to hanging out in our discord server. Niko and Ivan came in and they kept me company the whole day in the office for which I am thankful for.

Then I just decided to take some photos like these even if I don’t look good at them. Because I am celebrating my 25th birthday today, and I thought it should be raw—just how my 20s would look like.

[dry-soliloquies]

I don’t know about you, but it was 2022

These are my 2022 highlights:

did not qualify for a promotion

hiked with my high school friends

renewed my passport

supported Leni Robredo and Kiko Pangilinan

met up with my college friends after two (or more) years

attended my first ever concert - it was the The Script

met a guy who I thought might be the one

had our first ever family out of town trip to Dumaguete and Siquijor

got my heart broken

cut my hair short

bought myself a new phone

finally made an FB account solely for work

saw the eraserheads live - a dream come true

It has been an incredible year despite everything that made me weep. I could say that I liked 2022 for the year it was.

Here’s to praying and hoping 2023 will be better!

[dry-soliloquies]

I’m already skeptical as much as a person can be. That’s the reason why I don’t believe what other people say most of the time. Especially when it comes from the male population, and if it’s about love.

So, when you came and you had these big words with you armed with actions that were new to me, you could say that I was impressed. I was, truly. And a lot more that I slowly let you under my skin.

You laid these big feast of promises and painted a future of you and me that is something I could hope for. I was smiling and agreeing with you the whole time we were together because I was imagining it, too.

But going back, even though it really looked bad to doubt your feelings and interest with me, I was still unsure. I wasn’t eating at your hosted feast, I didn’t dip my brush in the canvass, and my hand was at the doorknob ready to slam it shut anytime.

You gave many speeches and told deep stories, and I knew at the back of my mind I shouldn’t believe in all of it.

But I was just a human, too. A human with a heart. With feelings I can’t control.

All I did was cry when I was proven that everything I thought was right. I cried because I was hoping and praying that God, please, let one of them be true. Even just one.

But tonight, as I listened to you say the words you’re talking to someone new, our chapter has already ended.

You have moved on.

And that’s one thing I should be doing, too.

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Why does it seem so easy for people to leave me?

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Sleep is very precious to me. But I have been happily losing some of it in the last two weeks. I hope this is worth it. I pray he is.