duskpinelydearyou

[duskpinelydearyou]

A Fickle Four Letter Word, For the Self and the World Around You.

Let's be honest? We all hear this word all the time. It's something that stands out above all the rest, and it has familial, platonic, and romantic feelings attached to the word. Care to take a guess? If you guessed that the word was love, then congrats, take a digital cookie. Yes, love is one of those words that has multiple meanings to it, and it's a confusing one that I'll admit, I'm still learning to co-exist with. In this world, the world where you and I exist in, I have more love for other people rather than the appropriate amount of self-love that I have for myself, and can that be a bad thing? It can if you let yourself self-destruct for it, and it can drive people away from you if you aren't careful. Since things ended with my ex, I have been discovering things about myself that I will admit, I'm actually surprised to know about myself. It's all a part of the learning process and learning how to love myself all over again.

What does it mean to love? I find myself asking this question time and time again, and the most I can take it back to is the idea of what my parents had when I was younger. They had a love that was so different than anything I ever knew, and I knew one day I'd like to have it. I've had crushes, infatuations, and even the dreaded unrequited love. I was always devastated, even as a kid who think he knew what love was. Being young and in love always meant that you weren't going to get it right the first time. Those ideals of love did help me grow up a bit, and I learned to love myself immensely. I would play video games, I would play outside, and I'd spend time with my family and friends. As I got older and learned more about the world, I did have my ex for sixteen years of my life. She showed me what it was like to love someone else, and I'll admit it was the most surreal sensation in the world. I thought she'd be my one and only; but when things got sour really fast, I found that it was hard to let go of that love. I still care, but it is something that I do not have any strong romantic feeling towards. It became abundantly clear that the love I have for my ex now is simply one of platonic placement, and that I am slowly moving on and learning to love myself all over again while also taking the time to pursue someone else, when we're ready for it to happen.

And that therein is where I talk about love in its wacky forms. There can be all forms of love, but there is also such a thing as controlled and obsessive love. The controlled love aspect for me is having the restraint to know when it's enough, when to give it and know when it needs to be enough. Blindly following your heart can make you do so many reckless things and it will put you back at square one, right at the bottom of the barrel. If I can admit it, I've been a purveyor of obsessive love, just as much as I have with controlled love. Obsessive love is objectively the worst sensation around, and I have seen how it affects not just myself, but the people around me. I have even bore witness to it in other people who push for something to happen only to be met with the reality that their actions have pushed someone even further away. I have seen how it can drive people to mad jealousy and the need to try and keep them all to yourself. It shows that you do indeed have trust issues that need to be resolved, and whether it be with the idea that there is someone out there you trusted and they let you down, or that you have a hard time trusting yourself enough to make the right choices, then maybe it's not the best time to try and pursue things.

That being said, if you pace yourself accordingly, learn to value the other person and their interests in pursuing things, then it's possible to play it a day at a time. When you love someone, you learn to trust them and trust yourself. You make sacrifices so that they can be happy, even if it means letting them go to make their own decisions. You can't simply force yourself to make that choice for them.

It's crazy when we fall in love, because we can't discern whether it's infatuation, or if it is genuine, actual love. I want to believe in the power that since I have fallen in love again, that it is genuine and I want to take things steady. I want to take things at a steady pace and keep the pace going so as to keep the other person interested, who has admitted that they do have feelings too. I do aim to keep my pace, not just for the love I have for someone else, but to also keep the pace and love myself, because I deserve to have that love for myself again. It'll be a long road, but this fickle four letter word has brought me a circle of people I can trust, and has brought to me someone that I can see a future with. For that, I thank the people who have helped me this far. I do aim for the stars and beyond, but it'll be one day at a time.

Yes, one day at a time, for myself, and the world around me.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Sixteen

Sixteen is a number, yes, and it can mean a good majority of things. For most, a sweet sixteen is the one day a girl always dreams excitedly of (at least from what I've seen in movies and such). For freelance people in the entertainment industry, especially in film, that's probably the amount of time they have on set before it officially wraps (either that or a lot longer). For me, it's the amount of years I have been in a relationship. Hard to believe? Yeah, it's crazy how long it's been and how long I managed to keep it going for. I'll be honest, my heart still breaks that it had to end. Like all things, there has to be an end and a new beginning. Reflecting on things now, both good and bad, will definitely help me figure out the best approach to life and how to best approach the next relationship I get into.

I was young, maybe thirteen or fourteen at that point, and it was April. I had not known this girl existed before then, maybe only really ever saw her as a friend and bumped into her a couple of times and that was it. I did of course spit cottage cheese into her mortal enemy's hair and that got her to talking to me more, so she did have a good laugh about something like that at the very least. I had incredibly bad luck with other girls through life, and this was the first one that came to me and showed me some love and affection and immediately I was bombarded with this idea of what love was. I felt valued, validated, like I was actually worth something. And of course, I had someone that I cared about now. We had only hugged, never really had our first kiss until about a year or so after our relationship began. It felt scary at first, but all things scare us at one point. When it happened, it felt like a river ride of emotions, but when the nerves calmed down did I go back in for one of my own. She made the first move and was a lot bolder than I was. Sometimes boldness comes in so many forms, and we have to be a bit daring to say that we love someone. More often times than not, it's our first kiss that speaks volumes about how things will go and how things will last. The first kiss is always the most daring and the most bold move of our lives. It challenges us to move forward, or to see what other options lie out there if it doesn't feel genuine. For me at that point in time, it was genuine, and I thought I'd see a future.

My first taste of heartbreak came with a text maybe during the summer transition from my Sophomore Year to my Junior Year of High School. She had texted me for a break from the relationship. It was devastating to me, and in my anger I just told her that I didn't want to speak to her for a while. Yet when I came to regret my actions, the damage had already been done. It was several months of nothing but just us keeping our distance from one another and seeing how things played out. I did try to initiate some conversation in the hopes that she'd at least talk again. A friend of ours did get us to talking again, but still I kept my distance nonetheless. Eventually though, she'd send me our old tried and true method of sending me a letter by putting it in my locker. It was an apology and her reasonings for why she had to put a break on our relationship. She wanted me back, and I was over the moon. I thought we'd be good, and we stayed together throughout the rest of our high school years. She was my date to my Junior and Senior Proms both. When we graduated, I genuinely thought I'd not last a day without her in my life, and went above and beyond. I bought her a ring and asked her to marry me for Christmas. I was young and in love, thought I knew everything.

Then came the challenging years of my life, the remaining eleven years of what I thought was a perfect relationship. The only issue we had was the distance between us. I fought hard for this to happen, for this to continue to work and everything. I put in more effort on my end, to a good a hundred and ten percent of everything. We had discussed the idea of moving in together, but it never really happened, as hard as I tried for it to. She worked, she was busy, and I was still studying and learning what I could so I could make something out of my degree happen. I started delving more into what I wanted to do for myself and make my own happiness. I got to explore more of the world around me, see what I could see and do what I could do with the effort I was putting out there into the world. I made more friends, started doing more with them, and I think she knew and tried to cling onto me before I got too distant, but it was my fault too for ignoring her when she wanted to talk, or feeling like I was distant from her. The boiling point for that was the trip I took to Chicago for the Kingdom Hearts concert. Something that I had looked so forward to doing for myself, including a trip to a city I had probably only ever been in when I was a baby, was brought crumbling down with an argument between my partner and I. I felt guilty for seeming like I ignored her, and it was something I had to learn quickly, actually be there for her and try to do more for the relationship. Eventually though, I had to go longer distance again and we did try once again to stay on top of keeping in contact with one another. She bought me games, and I did the same when I had the money from my trust to help spend on those things. We were trying our hardest during a time where things were incredibly difficult and shut down a lot of business. I was confined to my apartment and too afraid to step outside, actually had to learn to eat less and it was a genuine struggle for some time. I found support in friends, and I did try to get her to move in with me, but she was busy with her own life.

When it came time for me to go to my grad program in 2021, I told her that before we went to committing to anything, we would need to spend a year living together to see if we were compatible. She said we would, but never made any attempts to come see me until after I had graduated, and even then? It was me asking her to come up. It wasn't just me, my family and I pitched in to try and get her up here. The first time, her family drove her up here. The second time, she had to take a bus and we had to pay for her ticket. I didn't complain one bit though, because she was here and it made me happy. That happiness didn't last forever though as when the idea of moving in together became such a good idea all of a sudden. She wanted to leave. I wanted her to leave where she was living too, but the problem is that reality came knocking at my door at the most inopportune time. I asked myself, would I be happy working at my part time job for the rest of my life? Would I be happy to go from part time to full time in the end? What would happen if I suddenly decided I wanted to pursue my dreams instead of going through the normal grind?

I couldn't go through with the idea of moving in, but still I tried hard for her because I wanted her out of there. She put a burden on my shoulders that most would've crumbled from, but I tried. I tried until I couldn't anymore, and when I couldn't, she left me on read for a week. A whole week of silence from her when she was too angry to listen to reason. I had to process that things were coming to a grinding halt, and the fog had cleared on my end. I started seeing the signs, the past eleven years of my life were full of ups and downs, and I chose to only see the ups and ignore the rest. I ignored the red flags, I saw those now that I had removed the rose tinted glasses that I had worn for years. I had ignored some of the things, had seen that I was putting more effort in. It was always going out of my way to see her and not the same. She had taken the effort to visit me only once.

Several things followed after the week of silence, and it culminated in our final talk together. The moment where I finally said that it was time we went our separate ways. While amicable, I knew she was dealing with more pressing matters, and she didn't have the time to process things while I'm doing what I can to process my own personal feelings on the matter.

I attend therapy for the loss and grief, because my friends have noticed how horribly I've been treating myself lately, how I was so keen on trying to rush into something new when I should be taking the time to reflect, finally say goodbye to those sixteen years of my life, and hope for sixteen years of new memories that I can make for myself.

I know what I want moving forward, and while I do know what I want, I need to figure myself out before I'm ready to dive back into something great and magnificent. I want honesty, to be met halfway, to have more communication, and above all else, have that quality time where we can just spend a night talking on the phone, discussing plans of visiting one another. I know it's not gonna bring my ex and I back together, but with that in mind, I wish her well. I wish her the best of luck with the world and that she does find someone new who can give her something great.

For you out there who reads this, the you I worry about the most, you know, and I'm sorry. Moving on means saying goodbye, and while I do hate goodbyes, it is something that needs to be done. We will get better from it, and we will be better people for it. I will see you around.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Family

There's a saying that family are the people you meet on your way in life. I firmly believe that. Sure, there's blood family, but they're like... strangers, I guess? You never truly know the people you were raised alongside or grew up following the orders of. Sometimes you have the displeasure of being raised by a family that always harps on you for every little thing, including the friends you make... but even then, the friends you make in high school are just fleeting. You never truly get to know them unless you've been through thick and thin with them. I personally don't keep in touch with the people that I considered my friends in elementary, junior high, and high school. The people that really matter the most to me are the people I met during my older years, after I turned 18 and discovered what true freedom was. The people I met on the way that became a part of something really great.

Those who stayed at my lowest, who were there when I was at my strongest. Those who understood me on a personal level, who got me. They were the ones who became a part of something truly wonderful in my life. As I continued forward in my life, I genuinely worked hard for them, to show them that I was something. Then at the end of the day, I'd go for a game or two with them to enjoy the time I had with them. The people who say that blood is thicker than water don't know a thing, because this family of mine was forged from chains, dipped in water, and unified together to create the powerful bond that we share today. I'm glad to know that they'll always be my family, always be a part of something that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I never truly had a brother that I could relate or open up to, to share my experiences with. But my best friend who I met six years ago today, he became something so close to me. He became my brother, even if we have different families and everything, he has shown me that there is more to life than just simply following blindly; to just enjoy living each day. I have two friends who are together who have shown me nothing but love, compassion, and in my darkest times, great support for my choices. There's my partner, who has helped claw me out of the darker times in my life and who went to hell and back for me when I wasn't so keen on letting myself leave. The people who meant everything to me, I was glad to say they could be a part of something greater than I could imagine.

I could give a spiel about how my favorite character from a video game said something inspirational, but I think you all know the drill by now. Enough quotes and everything. My friends, or rather family, are my power, and I'm theirs.

I'm terrified of the future and what it has in store for me, but I can rest easy knowing that they'll be there at the end of the day to let me know that I did my best, that tomorrow will always be different. Tomorrow will always be a new day, and the family I've made are always going to be there at the start of it.

To that family, I say this.

Thank you.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Broken

Content Warning for suicidal thoughts, depression, and mental and emotional abuse, you have been warned.

I have tried to think about how to write this one, to openly talk about my own mental problems and anguish without outing the people responsible for this. To talk about how mentally unstable I can be at times when I'm thrown to my limit, or even talk about how much hell it is for me to just sit by and take abuse after abuse from the words that hurt me so much. I have typed this so many times to try and find the right words that sometimes, I thought it would help if I just stuck with how much I hated the people who put me here in this mental stage, but I'm tired of the flames.

I am not okay, and sometimes that's okay. But when you're simply pushed to your limits without any kind of break... that's when you're truly not okay, and that's not okay. I was pushed to that limit on New Years Day. Depersonalized and everything, just wondered if anything in my life was really genuine and true, and that people weren't just making false promises to me. I almost snapped, lost everything because people in my life couldn't stop threatening me, couldn't stop leaving me in my broken state of mind. My only liberation really came from being away from everyone. I could just be happy to be away from it all, to avoid the negative words, to have people who really love me for who I am and never ashamed of me.

I'm broken goods, in my own head and in my own personal opinion. Already realized that I was a black sheep for these people, but I have nothing waiting for me, no place to go at times. I can mostly walk around, try to put these words and voices in my head to rest for some time, but it is a temporary fix to an otherwise difficult problem to overcome. There is pain that exists in my own soul, a pain that I wonder will heal with time or with any effort to escape again. The damage has left me thinking if the best way to get rid of the pain is to simply end it all. Though people are there for me when I need them, it still doesn't get rid of the mental voices that scream for me to "Do It", to end it and escape the pain permanently in this temporary situation I have myself in.

I've fallen apart so many times to try and pick up the pieces of my life again, wondering if the pain will ever end if I keep enduring the torment and torture that I place on myself. I say that I'm strong, but how long will it be before my pain finally breaks through and shows the people who inflict it on me that their pain is making me feel this way? How long will it be before I cry in front of them, giving them an opportunity to give themselves a pat on the back? I count the days sometimes, wondering when I'll have the pain come back to surface in my own soul. Yet despite all of that, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by the people who truly care for me, who give me the time of day whenever I need to burden them with this pain. I know I'm cared for by the truest friends I've met on my path to where I am today. They know, they understand, and they still love me for all of my flaws, my imperfections, and everything. If this is what it means to have people at my back to help me take on the world, then I can be alright being weak in front of them. I can tackle tomorrow if it means that they'll be there... I live for them, despite being broken.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Hate

Hate is such a strong word, but it is a word that is heavily used to symbolize the world and everyone at odds with one another. The most I could hate would be the mold in the back of the fridge, but even I couldn't ever bring myself to hate another person. I wouldn't forgive someone who wronged me, but I couldn't bring myself to hate them. Whenever I do use the word around other people, it's always a passive joke that's met with laughter and silly stuff to talk about at a later date when someone remembers. Kinda like, "Hey, remember that one time we called Dusk the v-word? How he reacted and turned red on stream?" that would be followed by, "Oh my god shut up, I hate you!" then have the laughter come in.

If you all must know, the v-word is something that is prominent between myself and my friend group that certainly is not virgin (even though I still classify as such). But back to the main topic at hand, we're talking about hatred in this world. The thing that scares me the most is the fact that we, as humans, are capable of any and all forms of hate. Verbal, mental, physical. We're all capable of acts of hatred towards another person, but what scares me even more is that we have that choice and always seem to choose the choice that leads to hatred. We can never seem to find love, even with the people who wronged us. It's an endless cycle of pain and torment that we put ourselves through with no resolution to this in sight. What can we possibly do to fight this hatred that's rampant in our world? Most people say to combat hatred with love, like that's some kind of easy thing to do. How the hell can you simply put your heart on your sleeve to the people who are just too intolerant of love or compassion for their fellow man?

Though I do have to say that I used to be guilty of the exact same thing, guilty of bearing so much hatred... and maybe I still do? I can never be sure nowadays, no matter how hard I tell myself that I couldn't be capable of it sometimes. Hell, I'm sitting next to someone, typing this actively, wondering just what kind of person they are, talking smack about my sister and blaming my father from beyond the grave with my eldest sister. I hate that about them. If I was being smack talked, I'd rather have it done to my face. Just needless drama for the world and abandoning a sister just because of some minor drama. Just why does it boil down to that? I hate it personally because it's nothing but drama.

But yeah, it's a hate for something other people do, and I can't help it. Seems as though hate can only be done because people can't help it, but that's just in my personal opinion. Who all can agree to this? What can we do to help get love around? Just what can we do as humans to help combat the hate with love? What is our first step?

[duskpinelydearyou]

Wishful Thinking

Hello Tumblr, sorry about the delay between my last rambling and now, but I figured I'd talk about my mental health today. I am not okay, and I have not been okay for years. I started this blog in the hope that getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper (or the equivalent thereof) would help me feel better. My head's a jumbled-up mess of thoughts of self-harm, worthlessness, and a variety of other negative emotions. Whenever I fight or argue with someone, my mental health just takes a dive and I can't think of anything else but how it'd be my fault, like everything else in my life is. I have incredibly self-deprecating thoughts about myself during these dives in my mental health, thinking that everything would be better if I just wasn't around.

What I know now is that these things are only temporary. It's sometimes hard to see the light in the darkest of times, but it is with the love that you've given that comes back to help you in those darkest hours. Sure, it may seem like wishful thinking at times, but know that you're not suffering alone, ever. The people who love and care about you truly are the ones who will help you out of the darkness. For me, I have my best friend, the equivalent of my brother; my love, who has always supported every decision I've made in life; my besties on the other side of the country, who have given me so much love and comfort during the darker times of my life; and of course so many other people I have given so much to and asked for so little in return other than their conversation. Sometimes it's that wishful thinking that can be the most helpful in times of sorrow and darkness.

And it's that wishful thinking that may take forever to get through the darkness if you face it alone. It's all about knowing when you need help. Sorry about the short post this time around, but I need to lay down for a while. I'll try to make up for it with the next one.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Nondescript Holiday Discussion

Hi again, Tumblr! Probably a long title, but what can you expect? Kinda wanted to talk about some stuff regarding the holidays. I'm one for celebrating the holidays, but to be frank, why do we celebrate Christmas right after Halloween? Does everyone tend to forget that there's one more holiday regarding being thankful. Well... That's what I would've said if I hadn't had the experience and the knowledge that I do have now. Now that I have knowledge, I realize that we overlook Thanksgiving a lot of the time because of how the natives were treated during their time.

Growing up, we as kids were taught that Thanksgiving was a time of being grateful and thankful for something in our lives, and that the first Thanksgiving was shared by the Pilgrims and Native Americans. What they wanted us to learn from it was we should be thankful for what we have. I'll be honest, I'm mostly thankful that I've graduated with high honors and graduated as a Salutatorian from my program of study. It's the most I have to be thankful for at this point in time, but there's still so much that I don't really like about Thanksgiving. Of course, going into a food coma is perhaps the best part of the holiday, and I'm a sucker for pumpkin pie around this time of the year, but like... how messed up is it that we still took land away from the natives, pillaged and killed them as well? Like, how messed up is that? That we can just enjoy turkey knowing that we took land away from the natives of this place hundreds of years ago?

Parts of me like this holiday because of food, but my experience and just growing up to realize the nasty truths of what our ancestors did to the indigenous people of this land leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm not one to celebrate this holiday, but I won't turn down food or a chance to be thankful for something. At the very least I can remember some of the lessons I learned in elementary school regarding that. Should I have my own household, it'll just be a day with a lot of food and showing what we can all be thankful for, not a messed up reminder that we killed and took land from the natives.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Artist Dates

Hello again Tumblr, I've got more to share with you!

I loved my second time at Full Sail University. From the start, I knew I had made the right choice in going back to the place where it all began, but I knew it'd be bittersweet as I was quickly coming to the end of my chapter in college and moving forward with the rest of my life. Though I learned a lot from this, I remember one thing that always stuck with me. My third month of twelve, a quarter of the way done with my program, I picked up on something in my scriptwriting class that had me thinking about enjoying something so nice for myself. And it all has to do with thanks from a self-help book by an author named Julia Cameron.

As you can guess by the title of this, I did what was called an artist date. But what is an artist date, you're probably wondering. For me, it was a time I devoted myself to creatively getting out of my comfort zone to find inspiration in the world around me. Though the actual definition is close, it's what I saw my artist dates for the month of October. How did it help me? It freshened me up for a change as I had been so focused on just schoolwork and the like that I never took the opportunity to get out of my shell. Like a turtle, I finally got out of my shell and started going out to have fun, whether it just be around my apartment complex I was staying at, or actively going around the Winter Park community. So to add a little bit of fun and excitement to my blog here, I would like to convey the dates I went on, how I saw the world around me, and how it helped inspire me moving forward with my final venture through college.

We all have to start somewhere, and that start for me was on September 29th with a Hydrodipping even that was done in my apartment complex. What made it fun? Well, we got to design our own cups into unique and colorful patterns similar to how they do the wraps on cars to get those crazy unique styles. I challenged myself to be creative, to think outside the box with what wacky design I could come up with, and settled on it. It also happened during a time where I was working on my first script for the class, a one-page script that I had issues trying to write for as I had been so focused on writing stuff for a full short film.

The second event was exploring Winter Park in and of itself, and was among one of the more expensive dates I went on. Where did I go? Well, I went to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite craft stores! I think that's something I share between myself and my family as we all love Hobby Lobby, and I was so happy that one was in the town I was living in for the year! My haul wasn't too big as there wasn't much to pick from, especially with it being close to Halloween at the time (October 6th is close in my book, don't @ me). I did manage to grab a couple of books though, mostly on how to draw anime and chibi (a subtle middle finger to my drawing teachers and instructors who tore me down when I was younger) and went home with my haul. Brought the books with me every day for the rest of the month just to chill out and draw something in my notebooks that I brought with me. What I got out of this was just turning my brain into off mode and focusing on something else. It was refreshing to just explore and not have to worry about any assignments for the day.

My next artist date after was just something so very simple: getting a haircut. Why was it considered an artist date? Well, sometimes an artist needs to look their best before a big project, and usually that can just be a change in their own self-appearance, which was what I wanted to do. I wasn't dealing with class that day, so I figured it was a good opportunity to put my controller down and just go for a haircut. I wasn't going to hermit myself in when it was such a beautiful day outside! I even made a video of it that has me doing my favorite video cut: the fingersnap cut.

October 17th was a day at the beach, just having time to enjoy myself and celebrate an incredibly big achievement. I had finished the rough draft of my five-page script and the pitch for this script. My family was also visiting at this time and it gave me a chance to just relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor now completed. A reprieve from the hard world of school, the reward being the gentle lapping of waves on the sand and music in my ears. This was also my last artist date for the end of the month, but there was more to be had as I enjoyed the concept of going out and enjoying myself as a treat for completing something, or getting out of my own head.

Those were just the first four of many I did. Fun experiences to be had all around, and it was just the start of many more wonderful experiences I had. From kayaking, to movie watching, to even enjoying a game I've not had the privilege of playing in years, my artist dates varied, and they continued to vary as such over the next year. I have more experiences to enjoy, much more to go out and see, and I plan on doing it all when I have the stability for it. Hope my next big artist date takes me across the country, or even the world for that matter. I'd love to see another culture and garner inspiration from it seeing as there is more to it than just seeing it on a computer screen. To a future of exploration and enjoying every moment!

[duskpinelydearyou]

Coming Full Circle

There is an idiom known as coming full circle, and what it means is that through all of your trials and tribulations, you have come back to where it all started. For me, my coming full circle was the day I finally realized where I was meant to be, and it was in the one place I had never expected to return to. In order for me to talk about that today though, I figured I'd start from the beginning, go from there, and talk about the events leading up to that moment. It's a bit of a story that I've already covered previously in my blog post regarding a change in scenery, but it definitely helps to give you the full story as to why I found it best to talk about coming full circle, because sometimes in life, that's actually what you'll end up doing.

When I was on the cusp of graduating high school, I wanted to pursue opportunities outside of the state I lived in when it came to college, and convinced my parents as such. I was genuinely into the idea of just getting away and enjoying what freedom I could possibly gain from being outside of the grasp of my family. Sounds a little selfish, I know, but I was young and wanting the time to myself to enjoy every aspect of my life. I wanted to explore, be my own person for once in my life. I chose for my studies to be at Full Sail University in Florida in the Game Art and Design program. It was a fresh new chapter in life, and I felt like I owned the world with the freedom that I had, and the living expense checks that I got from the school for the purposes of just living off of them... but I was a heavy spender at first. I had no concept of how to finance effectively, and didn't have any opportunities to learn how to do so until I was a little older and understood that sometimes there are consequences to your actions.

I became Icarus and flew too close to the sun. I was arrogant, would never take no for an answer; but when I was faced with reality, I got burned and fell. Boy did I fall... HARD. I fell into a very deep depression and found comfort in both food and spending money on myself. I found my love for Final Fantasy XIV during that time and grew a dependence on the game itself, but had nobody to really play it with on account that a friend of mine stopped playing themselves. But what led to that depression? Well, it was a few reasons. I struggled hard to stay focused with crazy times to get up, got stressed easily, and I had instructors who criticized me and failed me every time I drew in the anime style. They tried to get me to try something else, but I was good at nothing else. One instructor even told me to just quit the class if I wasn't going to adapt and change my style, even when I was so fixated on just trying to do that. I got kicked down hard and didn't think I was any good at anything.

I only amounted to just one thing in that program, and it was a simple animation that I want to go back and do better on.

But what did I do to move forward? Well... for two years I didn't do anything except become a hermit, trapped in my own shell as I was afraid to get burned once again. I had given up and let the depression get the better of me. I gained weight because of my addiction with food. Though during that time, I rediscovered myself through the power of animation. I had lost inspiration for what I did, and my spark just vanished seemingly, but I have a series that helped me out of that funk and inspired me to pursue a new path in life.

And what helped me along this path? My father did. In some weird happenstance, he knew that I was in trouble in some way. Not with anyone else mind you, but mentally. I was not okay during this rough time. I didn't take care of myself well and embraced some form of being a hermit who only fed myself off of pizza and other greasy fast food. I never went out, never did anything whatsoever. I just laid in a chair and watched YouTube on my TV. Depression fed further into these habits of mine, and I was slowly killing myself with each passing day. He saw the condition I was living in the second to last time he visited me, and figured that something needed to be done. He saved me from myself and led me on a new path in life.

I could never forget the way I had become and endeavored to keep that from happening again. It was rough having to do a lot of my own cleaning by myself after I moved out to another city in my home state, but the classes I took were much more lenient with me and gave me plenty of opportunity to actually focus on what I wanted to do and how I should approach it. I had to stay attentive this time, focus more, but I did slowly end up slipping back into my old ways. My father helped me try to stay as attentive as can be with my own studies, even if I was being arrogant and believing I was holier than thou at the time. Yeah, parts of me were an asshole, I'll admit that, but that attitude soon changed as I kept moving further in my program of study, which was Media Arts and Animation at The Art Institute of Indianapolis.

Though things were a little stressful at first, I got into a habit of doing something and keeping attentive with everything... that is, until my dad died. I lost motivation a second time, but still managed to try my part to focus and do what I could to overcome the loss and stress I had. It all became constant and repetitive, but I somehow managed to overcome it, at the worst possible time. In 2018, The Art Institute of Indianapolis shut down, and I was to be transferred to The Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online Division. I started classes after I came back from our family trip to Cancun, Mexico. Like a fresh breath of air, I managed to stay focused on everything, as stressful as it was to have classes always being back to back. It was manageable at best, but it wouldn't last forever. In the spring of 2019, I lost yet another school to closing as AI Pittsburgh and its online division shut down in March.

With another school gone, I wasn't quite sure what to do moving forward. I could go to a different school and see if my credits would be accepted into the program, or I could try my luck with yet another Art Institute school on the other side of the country, just like Florida. I made some attempts to reconcile with everyone at Full Sail, but it didn't pan out as well as I had hoped it would. They just wouldn't accept up to a quarter of the credits I had received from AI, which would've left me with naught else but to start fresh yet again. When the decision came for me to leave home and try my luck elsewhere, I finally decided to continue pursuing the Art Institute.

In 2019, I moved to Houston, Texas to continue my education with the Art Institute of Houston. Things felt easy there, no stresses or whatnot, and I was able to stay on top of everything, even down to the animation assignments I was given, whether it be 2D or 3D animated, which was what I preferred above all else.

When all was said and done, it'd come to be 2020, and the pandemic was kicking into full gear. Everyone was stuck at home with either no job, remote working, or remote learning, which was what happened to me. Following that was struggles with overcoming myself as I was cooped up in my own home without anything to do other than video games, television, or doing schoolwork. It became repetitive, but I survived. Then on to graduating in the midst of the pandemic, where I wouldn't even get my Bachelors' until December of that year.

What followed was me trying to figure out what I wanted to do moving forward. How I wanted to approach the world of entertainment, because I wanted so much more than just one thing to tell me what I was good at, when I was good at so much more. I made the decision perhaps a year before I graduated, but it still resonated with me then and there: I wanted to go into film as well, to have my animation experience serve me well when I worked in film, and vice versa with film to animation.

The dream was real, but it was a struggle to figure out how to get there. My first choice was the Academy of Art, but I found out quickly that they weren't what I expected them to be. My second choice would've been ASU, but their program didn't offer what I wanted out of it. You could say after that I was close to giving up, but I didn't want my dreams to be shattered by rejection after rejection on my part. I wanted to find a way.

Then it came to me that it was time. I took a plunge and re-applied to Full Sail University. Upon my approval, I was placed in the Film Production program, back in the state where everything began to finish out my final chapters of college. I had grown from my youth as you could say, learned through my many trials and tribulations, and finally learned humility upon returning to the place where it all began. I had come full circle and had been better because of it.

In July of 2021, I returned to the place it all began; a year later, I had graduated from the program with high honors and became salutatorian of my class. The chapter of my life that was college ended after, and the next chapter of my life was beginning, not with a spark, but with an explosion. My graduating status instilled in me the final lesson I learned from college: You are you, not what you made yourself. My arrogance was replaced with humility, and unlike Icarus, I chose not to fly towards the sun with the freedom I had. I would never make the same mistake twice, now that the chapter has closed. Coming full circle means accepting the parts of you that weren't your best, and moving forward to learn for the rest of your life, and then returning to where it all started with the new life lessons you have learned. I'm happy to say that I myself am a living sentiment of those words.

[duskpinelydearyou]

A Change in Scenery

Okay, so. I'm going to talk about something I've been holding off on for a while today. I know these things seem kind of sporadic, but this is a blog just of me rambling about something else and never staying on topic for very long. Sometimes I talk about depression, or birthday stuff, or music for that matter, but right now, I want to talk about how awesome it is to get a change in the scenery of my own bedroom. It was something my sister tried and failed to do herself, but I stayed persistent with it when I moved back in with my family. While I'm kind of working from home in a way, I have the need to just keep at it until I feel I have some form of comfort in my own place. Even though the place is shared, my room is my shelter, my sanctuary, and my office as well.

Well it finally happened, I got someone over here to help me move stuff around and make my room more unique to just me. It took a bit of time, and I'm a little exhausted, but my furniture in my room has been moved around to be more unique to just me. It'll stay this way until I finally get the chance to move out upon the moment I get financial stability. That's probably like the only thing that sucks is that I don't have the stability I want when it comes to finances and jobs; but again, my first post on this blog kinda mentioned that for me in a nutshell how I was just so scared about being out on my own like this.

When I was in college, I had this sense of certainty with everything I did, and it made things easier for me knowing that I had a path. I've had several changes in scenery over the past nine years when it came to the college experience. When I was 18, I thought I owned the world, but I eventually turned out to be Icarus and flew too close to the sun because I had so much freedom. Freedom to do what I wanted was what really gave me a sense of comfort and security moving forward, but certain events with my first college of choice led me to losing motivation and spiraled me into depression. At first, I was too proud, too into what I did that I didn't take no for an answer from anyone. When reality sunk in that I wasn't going to amount to anything, I stopped going to class and became a hermit. I lived in Florida at that time and only ever spent on things I didn't need. It was that dark time that I eventually discovered things about myself that I wanted to do, but never really found the motivation to go forward. I fell into the belly of the whale.

After Florida became a bust, I was forced to move back home by my dad, and despite the resentment that I had for him at that time, I came to realize that he cared enough about me to come and get me. He saved my life, and I could never thank him enough for what he did. I found myself again with his help. I moved to Indianapolis, just a couple of hours away from him, to continue forward with college, but started fresh with a clean slate. It was a rough start, but I managed to get better at what I did, even with my depression sometimes getting the better of me. I moved back home after certain issues came up between myself and my roommates, and chose to just do online work from home. Online classes were shorter, but I got into a habit of getting them done quickly.

Then I lost my dad. That'll be something else for another day when I want to tell that story. But after he passed away, I went to go live with my mother and sisters in what was the equivalent of a small house. I slept on a couch for the better part of four months after that, when I finally helped my family move into a new home and kept going with my classes. The sad part was that I lived in my family's basement with another of my sisters (which has since me posting this, has been converted into a larger bathroom and larger closet for my sister). It was a struggle at first, but I eventually overcame those struggles and worked harder than ever before to keep at it... but then I came to a crossroads on what I wanted to do. My school had shut down twice over and I was either risking going back to my behavior that I had when I first moved out, or finding another school that would take my credits. I chose the former and I had never been happier than before when I chose it.

When I was 24, I moved to Texas to finish out my program, which took me halfway through the pandemic of 2020 to complete since we were all put into lockdown. It felt great having freedom all over again, but I was of course mindful about this moving forward as I didn't want to risk going back into old ways. I found certain places to go and only ever went there. Never ventured out to see new things, but did enjoy the sights when I did go out. After graduation, I was anticipating going back to school somewhere, but never in my wildest dreams did I think of going back to where it all began.

Though that story is best for another day when I am also ready to talk about it. I will end this off by saying that I miss living in Florida for a second time, because while I did get to enjoy living in my old stomping grounds, it was more or less me just wanting to stay attentive and focused on my studies, but also me taking the time to enjoy myself. Maybe my next post will be about some of the things I did while living in Florida. For now, I'm going to see what to do with all of this new space now that I have it.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Musical In Nature

Dear Tumblr Blog,

Hello, today's been pretty okay. The family's been at HomeGoods all day today and I've had a good day so far without anyone to bother me. So what's a woofer to do with all of that private time? Clean, of course! As a confessional for this place, I love cleaning when I'm not told to do so. Cleaning is fun when you're not told to do it and you have good music playing for it! I actually played my Peaceful Cleaning Playlist, which is just instrumental music shuffled and on repeat that has me focused on cleaning. It's so nice to just breathe and relax, to simply enjoy the music and let my muscles move to the music.

As a confession, I love all kinds of music. It doesn't matter what, I always love listening to it. It has been a sense of comfort for me, a sanctuary from the internal storm. It gives me a chance to just think about everything else inside of my creative mind and help get things flowing. It's how I've been able to just work on my own series as a whole as well as my own tabletop campaign. Music is inspiration for me, and I'm so glad to know that I share this world with such people who could give the world such great music.

What's my favorite genre? I couldn't even begin to fathom or even tell you what I like, because I like everything. I have about 5,000 or more songs on Apple Music alone, half of which was purchased by me for the purposes of listening to permanently. Though my most recent listen has been "Love and Loss," a classic in my opinion by composer Mattia Cupelli. If I had an opportunity to direct a film, I'd love to have Cupelli compose it.

Though with the story maker in me talking, music has just always been my go-to when it comes to creating something. I have entire playlists just dedicated to gaming, game making, writing, cleaning, drawing, streaming... I could go on and on about it, but you'd be scrolling for a while if I did that. Just know that my musical tastes are varied and unlimited, and that's how it's going to stay. To another great day tomorrow as I join my friends for an MMO.

[duskpinelydearyou]

Birthdays

November 7th, today is my sister's birthday. She turned 25. All the cake and ice cream aside, I don't exactly appreciate getting older. It's just another sign that I'm another year closer to the end. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some aspects of it because it is a day all about you and the joy that you bring to the world, that and presents. But what is the point if sometimes all you can think about is what misery you bring with you? I can enjoy someone else's birthday, but I can't enjoy my own. My birthday is February 23rd, and on my 16th birthday I can remember two things vividly: I got BioShock 2 and had fun with it... but it was also the day my parents separated. We moved to a friend's house that my mom eventually started dating. I wasn't allowed to bring much with me, just the few items and whatnot as she didn't want to already clutter her friend's already empty house.

It was a miserable time for me because I genuinely believed that my parents separating was my own fault because it happened on the day that we were supposed to be happy. As much as I want to tell my family to stop celebrating it, I enjoy the feeling of warmth that I get when people think of me. My friends included. Just a year ago, a good friend of mine gifted me the entire Final Fantasy XIV collection on Mac to prepare for Endwalker's release, and my sister gifted me a 50 dollar Amazon Gift Card. When the Mac failed, I moved to my PS4 and used the Gift Card to get me a gift card for the Playstation Store. I got back into FFXIV and haven't stopped playing, not even for a second. I love the fact that I was able to get a good group of friends to play with, and that was made even more enjoyable with the fact that I still have that one friend to thank for everything. As much as I have bad memories of the day, I still try to hold onto the good that serves as a reminder for me that not everything is as bad as I think it is. I get cool clothes from family, some gift cards, and a day where I can just hang out with my friends online and do something with them.

Who knows what my next birthday will bring with it? I know my last one had my mom and sisters sending me bundt cakes and me playing Mass Effect after my last day of class for the month that I had. For now though, I'm going to enjoy some cake and ice cream with my family, and hopefully if I still have enough time, make it to my session for tonight. Dungeons and Dragons doesn't wait around forever.

[duskpinelydearyou]

A Dependency Beginning

Hello, I thought that I'd take the time to just talk. Get feelings out on paper and the like, seeing as I hold a lot of bottled up emotions inside of me. I hardly ever have the opportunity to just ever take the time to write for me as I'm always doing something else, whether it be editing a project, doing Dungeons and Dragons with online friends, playing video games when I have the time, or helping family around the house. So here I am, a sleepy arctic wolf who's also been out almost four months from college who's idea of what to do in life is... met with anxiety and fear about doing something so unknown. I guess it just has to do with the fact that I've always been scared of the unknown, that I may never have truly been prepared for this type of thing in the long run. Things are truly scary, and my need to just get out there and make a name for myself is less and less appealing. This sounds like a shut-in, and I can see where you would say that, but I'm more or less terrified of the aspect of having a job.

It has more to do with the fact that I've not had an opportunity to do full work on something and need that experience in and of itself. I just came off of two films and feel like I've learned a little when I should've learned a lot. The sad truth of this is that I've always been attached to my computer and electronics, and having to not do without them for an entire day makes it agonizing. Though I did have an opportunity to just use notebook and pen for notes, I would've much preferred to be on my phone taking these notes of mine, but then I'd distract myself with everything else. Some may call it lazy, but I call it a dependence on electronics. It's depressing, but that's kinda where society now lies. We have new advancements that we didn't have in the early 2000s and everything is always one step away from changing for good. The newest phone, newest gaming console, new laptops and the like. All of our friends are now connected to the world wide web, and we're starting to make connections that aren't even in our own neighborhoods or towns. We have friends on other sides of the country now, other territories, even on the other side of the world. All of us have developed a dependency on our electronics that makes us feel like we need them in order to live. Isn't that just... sad?

I know I've developed a dependency on electronics because it's a part of my livelihood. I'm a writer, an animator, a filmmaker even, but I'm also just me. I've become co-dependent all over again, and I don't think my skills will really amount to much in the grander scheme of things. That's just the pessimism of me talking though, usually I've been able to just prove myself wrong; but sometimes that's even hard to do. Perhaps talking about things here and getting my thoughts out on a blog will definitely help me. So hello world, welcome to my blog where I talk about my life and everything leading up to now.