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dutifullytwisted · 7 months ago

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Here are some things I realised that they might have had more of a effect on me than I thought they did:

1. My dad beating me with a book when I told him I wasn't ready to attend an optional exam. (and him laughing about it to my mom and sister. I sounded so funny when I screamed apparently.)

2. Being applauded as a kid for my 'maturity' and my good grades. Being called shit for my grades now.

3. Hearing my parents fight and my mom crying. My sister and mom screaming crying over petty things.

4. My sister venting to me (when I was 11-12yrs old) about her adult problems because I was very mature for my age.

5. knowledge of the fucked up deaths of some of my relatives, and how 80%-95% of my relatives are assholes (cheating, molesting their kids, hitting on other people's wife's etc.)

6. My parents openly discussing about their financial problems and how raising daughters are a burden for them, KNOWING that I'm listening to them. Because ultimately, this would guilty me into not asking for much, because I'm already a burden to them. I don't know if they're aware they made me feel like this.

7. Spending most of my teens (11 to 14,I think) in isolation, as I lived alone with my dad, and, well, he came back home only at around 6 or 8pm

8. Being forced to wear stuff (uncomfortable, heavy, prickly clothing) that other relatives gifted when I got my first period. (Tradition). Being scolded later because I cried in front of said relatives that I didn't want to.

9. Watching my parents forcing my sister to marry. And the fallout that happened as consequence.

10. Having the knowledge that my very own father has some pretty misogynistic views, that he wants me and my sister to abide by. It doesn't affect everyday life, sure, but I now know that he judges every female celebrity be sees everyday, for one reason or the other.

11. Being told that my 80%-90% (B or A grade) is absolutely unacceptable when I was going through a mental block, burn out, and what not.

12. Getting shit on for wearing comfortable black clothes instead of traditional clothes to a friend's birthday (I was 12).

13. Spending a good portion of my day scrolling on my phone.

14. Getting my phone smashed (on the wall, after almost having it thrown on my head) for being unable to pull away from said phone (I had trouble using it responsibly), and getting sweared at and called slurs because I was failing at everything, 'because of that damn phone.

15. Dad making excuses for smashing my phone against and wall and making me cry so much I almost peed myself, his excuse being 'he thought it was the old phone and breaking it didn't matter because I still had my new one'. Did my feeling not matter too? He infact, broke my new phone.

16. My mom saying that I shouldn't have screamed when my dad started beating me with a book (refer point 1), as we were in a foreign country, and if someone called the police on him, we would be done for. It didn't matter that I was screaming out of fear, out of pain. Was i really overreacting or?

17. The fact that they said they would get me profesional help since they thought I needed it, but never did. Is it because they therapy is costly or because my sister was already in therapy and putting their second daughter there too would be a shame on them?

18. My mom confessing (not to me, to my RELATIVES, during A CASUAL CONVERSATION,) that infact, my dad has beaten me before a few times as a child.

I think the recent one had more of an effect (point 1.) because I was old enough to remember it more vividly, even so, i have this one horrible memory from my childhood:

19. That one time my dad got so angry (for whatever reason) at me, a child, 6/7/8 years old, that he chased me around the living room, till I backed into a corner, and started slapping me continuously i was crying, begging to stop till my mom intervened.

20. Being called selfish, entitled and inconsiderate, when I didn't want to move back to my home country, which was WAY, WAAAY more unsafe and unclean and corrupt than the one I was living in, even for the sake of MY own education.

I know that my dad's job was unstable at that time, and staying in this foreign country would actually burden him. But I was 14 and I had just started to make friends and live a normal life after 3yrs of not talking to anyone other than family. I was... I don't know if I was actually being selfish. I just wanted to continue living that normal life. I was afraid that moving to a new country, where I didn't even know the language, would hinder my ability in making friends, and that I would go back into isolation.

I just wanted some validation. But. At that time, I didn't know that. So I refused and the waterworks started. I didn't know how to express myself in words. I had so many insecurities and worries.

"it's all going to be okay" is all I wanted to hear.

Ofcourse, that is not what I got.

I got lectures on top of lectures.

Selfish, entitled, inconsiderate. A brat.

I got called selfish, inconsiderate, for not... Being considerate and listening to my mom's lecture about how ridiculous I was being I just wanted comfort

The lectures lastest hours but ultimately what they said, how they felt about me, boiled down to those words.

I went to my room and put on my headphones because I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to know I knew, which is why I ran what they thought about me.

I got called selfish and inconsiderate for....not listening to my mom going on about how ridiculous I was being to my sister and dad.

Who in their right mind would listen to someone berating them, without ever attempting to know their true feelings?

She opened the door and saw me wearing headphones, "why weren't you listening to me?"

At that moment, i thought to myself "you're the ridiculous one here."

I didn't expect this point to turn into such a big rant.

21. Being ignored the entire day when I cried because I was unable to express myself (with regards to point 20.)

22. The fact that my parents seemed convinced that their way of treating my when my behaviour was less than ideal, was the best way to deal with the situation (beating, silent treatment, dismissing, breaking stuff, false promises, etc.).

At those moments, I thought "you are doing more harm to me than good. One day you will realise it and feel guilty." I thought so out of spite.

Now, i KNOW what they did to me did me more harm than good. They will not realise, they WILL remain ignorant, and they most certainly, never will feel guilty.

To this day my dad justifies him beating me with book.

22. Being unable to let go of my obsessive scrolling , because (recently realised) it was my coping mechanism, a way to escape reality. Being called lazy and irresponsible and having the blame put on me for it. I was told to hand over my phone to them, and, unsurprisingly, I didn't. At that moment I didn't understand why I didn't. Now I know that I just didn't want to let go of my only way of escaping reality, my only coping mechanism. And well. Obviously letting go of it wouldn't be easy.

Didn't it ever cross their minds to help me, to teach me how to use my phone responsibly, rather than taking custody of it and berating me for using it? I will have to use it in the future right? When they don't get to take custody of it anymore?

23. Using my irritation, my anger at anything really, as proof that I was getting addicted to my phone or to the tv. ESPECIALLY if it's induced by if they snatch it out of my hands, turn off the tv, block the screen, make fun of what I'm watching etc.

Getting mad if I do the same to them. The hypocrisy

24. Saying that my behaviour (biting my lips, making weird faces, sitting comfortably i.e, 'not lady-like', SHOWING FREAKING EMOTIONS IN MY FACE) at home, where I am relaxed, comfortable, and really being myself, IS WEIRD.

Also that this behaviour is because I watch anime. Definitely not because I actually feel stuff. Definitely not because I feel comfortable with myself in my own skin.

Them getting mad that i lased out after them saying this to me for WEEKS, because they didn't mean any harm by those comments.

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I'll post more shit when I come up with it. For now this is all I can think of at the top of my head. I didn't expect me to actually start ranting midway.

I also didn't expecting myself to tear up midway. Well, atleast i know now that fucking shit hurt me. immensely.

This is all excluding the struggles I have with academic validation, school, socializing, and generally shitty friendships that made me question myself to this day.

To future me,

I hope you fucking heal from this shit.

#personal vent #vent #rant post #rant #unspoken #opening up #healing #mental health #identifying issues #im hurtin #self neglect

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