dynamorowl

[dynamorowl]

not being able to work does not equal not being a valuable human being, your life has value because it's yours

[dynamorowl]

Sometimes it feels like you've lived your whole life in a house that's always a little bit on fire. Like it's usually just in one room and you make sure to wet the walls around it so it doesn't spread and that usually works. You were expected to take more responsibility over fire containment when you were like seven because it's not like you can expect your parents to always be 100% on guard about making sure the whole house doesn't catch fire, and you figure that's just how things are like.

And sometimes as a kid you visit your friends' homes and some of then whisper to you - grimacing with embarrassment - about how they're not supposed to tell anyone this, but there's a whole room in their house that's currently on fire. And you're like yeah it's ok I'm not supposed to tell people about the way our house is a little bit on fire all the time, too. And then you visit some other friend's house and there's no trace of fire anywhere, and you think "wow, these people are really good at hiding their house fire."

And one day you show up to work like "hey sorry I'm late, I forgot to wet the walls before going to bed last night and my whole house burned down", and you're startled by the way people react, acting like that must be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And you're just like "chill, it's been years since the last time this happened, and it wasn't even that bad this time", and that just makes people more shocked, acting like that's the weirdest and most concerning thing they've ever heard anyone say, which only confuses you more.

And then someone tries to explain to you that people aren't supposed to have an ongoing house fire. Most people actually never experience a house fire in their lives. Like not even once. Not even a little bit. The normal amount of having your house be currently on fire is zero.

[dynamorowl]

Blaming myself and directing anger and disappointment towards myself has always been my go-to reaction when I felt hurt by something or someone. There are always many sides to a story and mistakes from all parties involved (sometimes there aren't even mistakes, sometimes a situation is just the way it is), but that was unfortunately never the reality for me growing up.

I was a child, therefore I didn't know what I was doing. Then I became an isolated teenager who developed self-injurious behaviour, therefore I was difficult or mentally ill and didn't know what I was doing. Then I got diagnosed with a neurological disability and from that point on, I was a failed human and didn't know what I was doing. At no point was my voice heard, at no point was I allowed to speak up and at some point, I started internalising my pain - because I was the only one who would listen. Hating myself was the safer option, and the one that seemed to make the most sense at the time.

This way of dealing with unpleasant emotions was a subconscious attempt by my brain to protect myself from getting hurt from the outside world and to make sense of all the things that caused me pain. That's human, that's what's kept me safe for years. But it only adds pain now. I'm no longer entirely defenseless in an environment that hurts me. I'm inflicting wounds onto myself to numb and keep myself safe from "outside" wounds - but I'm not being attacked.

I've been reflecting a lot these past few months and I'm starting to see how a lot of my self-destructive behaviours and habits can be traced back to past experiences. I'm doing the work because I don't want to be stuck like this. I don't want to be the hurt and confused child for the rest of my life. I want to feel like I deserve to be someone.

[dynamorowl]

If the expectation is perfection, you can only fail.

[dynamorowl]

I got the job I was hoping for!

Feeling a mix of relief, excitement, anxiety, nervousness and self-doubt now but I did it and I think that's a good reason to celebrate!

My partner (who is currently my unpaid caretaker basically) will be out of town for a few days now to see friends and family. I struggle to take care of myself alone but I'll try to use this time to get the apartment properly tidied up again and tackle the ever growing pile of laundry in our bathroom.

Not much else has happened recently. Staying afloat when the low moods hit is getting a little easier and I think I'm at a place where I can start making lasting improvements to further improve my resilience. Hopefully I can squeeze in a short workout today.

[dynamorowl]

Shame and fear are the mind killers. They’ll dominate your life until you don’t have any if you let them. They are poison if the dosage is to high.

A life that is truly yours will never be dictated by shame and fear. If we decide on our goals in such a way we dodge anything that scares us or makes us feel exposed, we never self actualize.

To life according ur full potential you have to be willing to set goals that are where ur fear and shame tells you you can’t go.

Your world can shrink if you listen to your fear and shame but it can also expand if you don’t.

[dynamorowl]

I feel pretty confident about my (hopefully) future job. I didn't get to sign a contract yet, but they seemed pretty fond of me. Hopefully by the end of next week I'll have more clarity. I'm excited /pos

I also found a psychiatrist who specialises in ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder and they had a free spot available! After losing my old psychiatrist because I had to move, I haven't been able to find anyone else, but hopefully I can get my ADHD properly treated now. This will be such a game changer.

I also started picking up old routines again and my partner and I cleaned the entire apartment. Time are rough for both of us, but everything will get better in the future. I'm trying to stay hopeful.

[dynamorowl]

Today was one of the "bad days".

I didn't manage to finish everything I planned today. In fact, I didn't achieve a lot at all. Usually, I would've started beating myself up over this now and get overwhelmed by all the tasks I still have to do.

Today, I consciously decided to take a different approach. I talked to my boyfriend about the tasks I didn't do today and we made a plan for tomorrow. I figured out what I can still get done today and made a to do list, making sure not to overwhelm myself.

I also decided to challenge my negative thoughts and identified the thought loop that has kept me in this cycle of not doing the things I need to do and then stressing over it. I tried to look at the situation at hand rationally but also with a healthy amount of self-compassion:

This day won't matter in the grand scheme of things. I still have the opportunity to do it tomorrow and I'm prepared now. I'm not in acute danger. I won't have to have it all figured out by the time I go to bed today. I did a bunch of things well today and those deserve to be acknowledged, too. I did not "fail" today.

Journalling has been helping me so much. I feel like I'm way more able to look at things without getting distracted by anxiety now, and that alone has taken a heavy weight off my shoulders.

[dynamorowl]

I'm Dyno, this is my corner of the internet where I ramble and talk about life as a disabled person.

I'm often struggling with low moods, anxiety and negative self-talk. I'm disabled and live with autism, ADHD and a seizure disorder.

I'm not high-functioning and can't live on my own but I want to work towards living a more independent and fulfilling life. I'm in a long-term relationship and want to give my partner less reasons to worry about me.

I'm going to be lurking mostly but I also want to document my healing journey a little on here and write about coping skills and small wins in my day to day life. I might rant or vent occasionally. I hope I can connect with a few other people who might be in the same boat as me. I love learning about other people's experience and I'm always eager to listen.

[dynamorowl]

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