el-blog-de-ash-wow

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

I need help to figure out how to cry and let all these awful feelings go away... I can't cry no matter how hard I try. I need to cry so I can feel better, but I just can't and it is frustrating...

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

Welp, my mom just used my illness against me. I forgot to do something she asked me to do, so of course she got angry, and told me to go and have something to eat instead. I was like "No, I'm not hungry, I can do this." And then she was like, well then go to sleep take a bath or anything. I understand that she didn't want me there, but then she was like "I don't want you to get angry, or upset or go and cry because I asked you to do something, or because I raised my voice" like my reaction was just an inconvenience for her. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't, so I just went to my room and I'm about to cry because I failed at doing something and instead of letting me fix it, I'm pushed away, so yeah...

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

I'm getting what I like to call

✨ Birthday Depression ✨

Doesn't help that I haven't taken my meds in a while...

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

Do you ever regret the decisions you made in the past and think something like "Fucking Ash, why did you do that?" but even when you are talking about yourself, it feels like it wasn't you (the present YOU) that did it? Almost as if your past self was a different person?

It feels like YOU are responsible for fixing whatever mess someone else did, but in reality it was you who made the mess. It is actually YOUR responsibility to fix things, and yet, it doesn't feel right.

it's frustrating.

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

Despite everything, I'm still here...

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

I fucking hate the black and white thinking, the splitting and the depressive/manic episodes.

I've been doing good with the help of my meds. But then something happened earlier this month and now my family and I are going through a financial crisis. All because of my fucking mistakes, it was all of my fault and it is not an exaggeration.

Because of that I'm having thoughts about doing the deed, to finally put an end to this. Hell, I even started planning a date so I can put everything in order because I don't want to be a burden anymore and I don't want my family to suffer longer when I'm gone.

So last night I had a fucking crisis, and this morning I woke up with hope. I was in a "I can handle this shit" kind of mood, even manic, and everything was okay. Until my dad confronted me about what I did and everything went down.

I'm so confused about what to do, because earlier I wanted to get my life together and now I just want to hurt myself just so I can let out my frustrations and the anger and hatred I feel towards myself.

I got to a point where I'm writing a fucking document to lay the things I need to do to fix things to keep on living or to set everything before I die and see what sticks. I might even toss a coin to decide whether I keep on going or not.

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

"Kill them with kindness" WRONG. drop the opera house chandelier on them.

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

i don’t know what to do. i don’t know where to start. i feel lost. i feel like i was never given the tools to show me how to be independent. i have to be the one to find those tools, but i feel too dumb and scared. i’m so scared.

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

"Are you ok?" I'm actually tired bro. From the bottom of my heart I'm tired

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

hey guys, what do you think of my dinner?

(choose your words carefully)

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

I've always thought Margarita would be a beautiful name for a little girl

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

getting a note on a super old post

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

[el-blog-de-ash-wow]

men in black eyeliner and nail polish is too played out. wear glitter lip plumping gloss and pumps