elceewunjo

[elceewunjo]

I'll be visiting my family for the next 2/3 weeks so if I disappear, that's why. I'll probably come by every now and then, maybe clear a few things off my drafts, but I'm taking a break from posting writing till early september (I wanted to edit the latest chapter of my fic to post it before I hide under my rock but I didn't have enough time, sorry haha. Writing posts will resume the 5th of september, probably)

Feel free to keep tagging me though, I'll catch-up on everything later (I know I already have a few to answer, I'll try to find time soon) Cheers 🤍

[elceewunjo]

Went too long without painting him and had to do something!

[elceewunjo]

Pick A Song For Every Letter In Your URL

Thanks for the tag @litsenn :)

RULES: Pick a song for every letter in your tumblr url. Tag at least as many people as there are letters in your url. (That's way too many people for me to tag I'm a rebel I won't do it)

Such a fun way to out myself in being the opposite of consistent when it comes to music taste. And I kept all the instrumental things I listen to out of it, which is more than half of my playlists... Tried to pick songs that either are very emotional for me, or that have at one point been on loop for weeks on end It's chaos down there haha, no cohesion whatsoever (also, why so many 'e' in my url, damn)

E : Echo Of My Shadow by AURORA (this one always makes me think of Astarion -like 70% of my liked songs but shh)

L : Les draps by Solann (this one hits hard if you speak french...)

C : Coraline by Måneskin

E : el desarme by Alba Reche

E : El Labba by Ÿuma

W : Won't Stand Down by Muse (oh hello, it's Astarion again)

U : Untie The Knot by Kalandra

N : Ni Mødre Av Sol by Ivar Bjørnson & Einar Selvik (if I could put the entire album here, I would, I love it sm, my favourite is Um Heilage Fell, but the U was already taken in my url, so I'm cheating and putting it here hehe.... *sigh* Sorry.)

J : Justice by Dirt Poor Robin (Also an Astarion song for me)

O : On brûlera by Pomme

I think almost everybody has been tagged already, I'm just gonna add a no pressure tag for @corvusalbus93, and @fihyn if you want to join in :)

[elceewunjo]

Thank you for your point about how Ascension "fixes" Astarion, because I can't believe so many people miss it while arguing that the Spawn route is trying to "fix" him!

Astarion wants to ascend mainly because he thinks it will fix him. He thinks he's broken and weak and that this is the only thing that will change that. He's asking you to fix him. And, to me, the dialogue options we get are telling him "You are enough and you don't need this." That's the opposite of fixing! That's accepting him for who he is, as he is!

I was an EA player, and one thought I kept having in anticipation to full release was "damn, we're probably going to be offered a cure to vampirism as the good ending and him becoming a vampire lord as the evil ending. I wish they kept him as he is, I love him exactly for who he is." and I'm glad that that's in fact what they did offer in the Spawn ending.

Eh… dear anon, apparently trying to “fix” someone only works on a moral level. And in any case, it’s always easier to see someone else’s flaws rather than your own—especially when there’s such a sharp division as them and us. It must also be said that AA fans lean a bit too smugly on existing narrative categories.

Which, however, are not meant to criticize, but to describe certain narrative strands within a video game, literary, or television product, etc. Their connotation should be neutral and not used as a weapon.

Let’s take a look at them:

"I Can Fix Him" Trope – a character, usually female but not necessarily, is convinced they can “fix” or redeem a problematic, dark, or dangerous character through love, patience, or devotion. The object of this redemption is often a bad boy, a redeemable villain, or a damaged anti-hero.

Beauty and the Beast Trope – the oldest, most archetypal concept: love and understanding as the key to transform or “soften” a monstrous or brutish figure, whether literally or metaphorically.

Redemption Through Love – a variant in which a character’s moral redemption comes through a romantic relationship, often emphasizing the sacrifice and care of the other person as tools of transformation.

Broken Bird / Woobie – when the character who needs “fixing” is hurt and vulnerable beneath a tough exterior, prompting the other to care for them.

In short, "I can fix him" is a modern, tongue-in-cheek trope with deep roots in the myths of “romantic redemption” and “love that saves.”

As you can see, Astarion’s redemption arc can easily fall into these categories, so when we talk about Spawn Astarion it’s not entirely wrong to say you want to “fix” him—but not in the derogatory way AA fans usually mean when they use it to belittle the non-Ascension path, and especially the players who choose it. As if they were moralizing busybodies forcing Astarion into a role he doesn’t want, just to push him to conform.

I’ll stress this: I can fix him simply refers to that type of story and dynamic in a medium — a shorthand to immediately convey what we’re talking about and what one might enjoy within the work. Enjoy, yes. And let’s all repeat it together: games exist to entertain and bring enjoyment, not to give someone an excuse to be a pain in the ass.

But the real question to ask is: can love truly save or fix someone? The answer is: yes and no.

Very simply put, in the case of a real person subjected to a “real-life Cazador,” it can take only a few weeks to trigger deep, hard-to-reverse changes — but the longer the exposure, the more the trauma becomes integrated into the person’s very identity, eventually shaping in a lasting way how they see themselves and the world. A single extreme episode can be enough to create PTSD or other long-term consequences if it is intense, humiliating, or life-threatening enough. Years of systematic control and abuse (as in Astarion’s case) almost always produce a complex picture: C-PTSD, dissociation, entrenched cognitive distortions, attachment trauma, and possible structural changes in the brain linked to chronic stress.

If we take an “Astarion” in a realistic sense — a person who has endured years of prolonged abuse, coercion, isolation, and both physical and psychological violence — healing is neither simple nor quick, and it cannot be reduced to “finding love,” as it often happens in fiction. There are a few essential conditions, without which the risk of remaining trapped in old traumatic patterns stays extremely high.

The first is safety — a definitive separation from the abuser and their environment, plus a protected setting where the survivor can regain control over personal choices and spaces. In real cases, this may also mean legal protection or a protected identity.

Next comes stabilization, which means working to reduce the hyperarousal typical of complex trauma: constant anxiety, hypervigilance, flashbacks. Before directly tackling traumatic memories, it’s crucial to learn to manage physical and emotional reactions, using grounding techniques, breathing exercises, mindfulness, or early-phase approaches such as EMDR.

Only then can one move to the core trauma work: specialized therapies like trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, or attachment-based approaches. The goal is not to forget, but to integrate the trauma into one’s life story without letting it continue to dominate identity.

A critical step is rebuilding identity. After prolonged abuse, the trauma hasn’t just hurt — it has shaped the way the person sees themselves and behaves. It becomes necessary to explore desires, values, personal goals; to learn to say “no” and set boundaries; to discover who they are outside of the role imposed by the abuser.

Here, healthy support networks play a key role: relationships that are not based on power, debt, or control. These can be genuine friendships, survivor support groups, or bonds where vulnerability is met with care rather than punishment.

Finally, there’s autonomy and reintegration: developing practical skills to live independently, building meaningful projects (work, study, creativity), and regaining a sense of mastery over one’s life.

All of this takes time — years, not months. And with the awareness that there’s no “going back to how things were before”: the goal is to learn to live fully despite the trauma, not to erase it.

If someone with a history similar to that of a “real-life Astarion” does not receive adequate support, they can develop and maintain maladaptive behaviors toward both others and themselves. Some of these are defenses learned during the abuse; others are ways of coping with unprocessed pain. Most of all, they are automatic behaviors that the person acting them out does not always recognize as maladaptive or as a product of trauma.

In Astarion’s case, we can see the tendency to lie, manipulate, and seduce even against his own instinctive refusal, his indifference to the suffering of others, and his inclination to take advantage of people’s weaknesses for his own gain — all of it always and only aimed at ensuring his survival.

So, for someone like Astarion support is fundamental. No one can make it entirely on their own. Whether Astarion ascends or not, he still needs Tav/Durge to be there, walking beside him step by step. To protect him. And not because Astarion truly needs that protection, but because Cazador has spent centuries making him feel so powerless that he now believes he cannot protect himself.

This is a crucial point: Astarion is not weak. He believes he is weak.

Now, as I’ve outlined before, in the real world this would mean accessing professional figures, specialized rehabilitation centers, pharmacological support, and whatever else is appropriate for each type of issue. In Astarion’s case, in a fantasy world where such options don’t exist, the only thing to rely on is the relationship with those around him — their understanding, acceptance, and support. And let’s remember: a strong network of family and friends is fundamental for anyone who needs to heal.

Because fixing might be fine as a way to describe a certain narrative trope — but not when we’re talking about real people or situations that require a degree of sensitivity.

And here we get to the crux of it — the painful distinction from case to case — which ultimately answers the big question: can love heal or not? The truth is, no one can heal without an intrinsic motivation or need — an internal drive that comes from the person themselves. External pressures simply do not have that same driving force.

The world is full of examples of people who destroy themselves right in front of the powerless eyes of family and friends, no matter how much professional or personal support they might have. This isn’t by chance, unfortunately. And it’s a path that drains not only the person who’s struggling but also everyone around them.

As terrible as it is to say, there really are “lost causes” — people who refuse to acknowledge the problem, people who recognize it but cannot react or won't, and so on. But there are also those who do find that strength — who have the will to work on themselves, to change, to save themselves, to grab the hands extended toward them and pull themselves out of the tunnel.

And for them, it’s always worth showing up and fighting. In these cases, yes, we can talk about love that helps — not love that saves.

In the other case, sadly, there’s the reality of love that waits in vain, or that lets go — not easily, but for self-preservation.

Coming back to Astarion and his redemption arc, I believe he fits squarely into the category of those with a strong internal drive for change. Which direction that takes is for the player to decide. Within him, light and shadow coexist — two incredibly powerful forces that make him a morally gray, multifaceted character. And I’d argue, a profoundly human one.

As players, we have the chance to nurture one side or the other. The point is not to force him into values that don’t belong to him, but rather to draw out what he already has inside.

The error lies at the root: treating Astarion as a flat, one-dimensional character — purely evil and selfish to the core, with no other possibilities or capacity to do good. From that perspective, of course refusing the Ascension feels OOC. Naturally!

Astarion: You sound surprised - I'm capable of doing the right thing from time to time.

Quoted word for word from the game. Astarion is exactly like the other companions in BG3: ambivalent, with two very different endings for a very specific reason. A person who is truly convinced or evil to the core would never let themselves be talked out of it by the leader of their group right at the finish line (and I’m leaving romance out here deliberately, because someone might argue he’d only do it for love) — let alone approve of it once the idea of ascending is abandoned.

Someone actually went as far as to claim, with absolute certainty, that Astarion couldn’t care less about the 7,006 souls trapped in Cazador’s dungeons! Which is simply a lie. All it takes is playing through his quest once to see it’s the exact opposite—or, you know, actually talking to Astarion about it instead of totally skipping the interaction with Sebastian and the Gur children, or just going straight for the dialogue option that basically says: don’t get distracted, stay focused on your goal.

Here’s the final interaction—quoted word for word again—between Astarion and Tav/Durge after speaking with both groups of prisoners:

Tav/Durge: What do you plan to do with all these prisoners?

Astarion: I’m not sure—I’ve been weighing my options. On one hand, they’re the key to my unlocking eternal power and freedom. On the other… well. It’s my fault they’re here. Yes, it was Cazador’s command, I had no choice, but… it seems now I do.

Tav/Durge: I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Astarion: I’m sure I will—whatever the hells that might be.

Here, you can see that Astarion is solely determined to ascend. I even put it in bold to make it clearer. I mean, it’s obvious he’s sure—absolutely sure—about what he’s going to decide, he’s basically already chosen, he says it plain as day, right? He’s going to hand over the prisoners’ souls to Mephistopheles so he can become the Ascended vampire. Period.

Naturally, I’m being IRONIC. Heavily. And I’d like to stress that in this case Tav/Durge is using completely open-ended dialogue choices for Astarion, ones that don’t hint at or push him toward any specific answer, but instead give him full freedom to express himself either way. And here, Astarion is actually questioning himself—he’s having doubts, remorse, and all that. He’s genuinely weighing his options.

Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to ascend! But many people stubbornly insist it’s the only thing he wants. Well, it’s not. It’s just one of the options on the table, not the only one.

And of course, there’s also the matter of why Astarion wants to ascend. Personally, I’m with you on this one, anon—it’s been two centuries that Astarion has been literally powerless, bound to his master’s will.

Cazador made him feel dirty, useless, weak, pathetic, and so on. Astarion’s self-esteem is shattered—below zero. So yes, he believes that by ascending and gaining power, he’ll finally be someone. He’ll finally have no one to fear, because no one will ever be able to touch him again.

Here he literally says it again. Everything else is secondary — Astarion’s driving force is fear. Everyone emphasizes it: Cazador, Scleritas, the Perception check during the ritual, and Astarion himself in his own line:

Astarion: One last thrust, and I’ll be free of you. I’ll never have to fear you again. And if I complete the ritual you started, I’ll never have to fear anyone. Ever.

Everything revolves around fear. Every one of Astarion’s actions, every strategic choice, even his desire to ascend. This isn’t “if I complete your ritual, I’ll become a god on earth” — that’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to feel safe. Free from Cazador, free from fear itself.

At the brothel, during the scene with the nymph Naoise Nallinto in Astarion’s original run, his personal choice when offered “here you can be anything you want” isn’t power, wealth, respect, etc. It’s safe. Period. It’s crystal clear. Even here:

Astarion: I’m doing this for you, too, you know — to make sure we're both safe. Forever, for good.

And here:

Tav/Durge: All that matters to me is that you’re safe.

Astarion: I know you do. It matters to me, as well. I want to be able to protect you, too.

These particular lines really tug at my heart. Astarion doesn’t recognize his own worth, his own strength. He believes the entire world is an extremely dangerous place inhabited only by threats. And he thinks that to protect his love, he must look for means outside of himself—because as he is now, he’s not enough. And that’s heartbreaking. The fact that, to me, no one points this out to him—especially his love—is even sadder and more painful.

It’s like saying, “You’re right, you’re weak, you won’t survive otherwise, and you won’t be able to protect me the way you are” (as if it were even his sole responsibility to do so—this toxic version of masculinity doesn’t sit well with me either). So, "don’t worry—once we get the chance, we’ll “fix” you so you’ll meet expectations".

Basically, it’s confirming the distorted view Astarion has of himself—the very one Cazador drilled into him.

And it’s no coincidence that in the spawn ending, in the graveyard scene, Astarion brings that concept back up with Tav/Durge: I feel safe with you.

Which does NOT mean — for the love of Almighty God and every saint above, below, to the right, and even to the left — that Astarion needs Tav/Durge to protect him. That’s bad faith reading, trying to tack on extra meanings that don’t exist and don’t hold up.

It means that when he needs to, Astarion can allow himself, within the relationship, to be vulnerable, to be imperfect, to even be weak, without fear of being judged, hurt, humiliated, or abandoned. He can simply be himself, with all his wonderful flaws. Loved unconditionally.

And this is directly tied to the concept of “being seen,” which I’ve also talked about HERE. It’s subtle, but not that subtle, and it runs through Astarion’s entire narrative arc from start to finish—just like the concept of the “gift.”

In the mirror scene, Astarion will ask Tav/Durge what they see when they look at him, because he wants to know how the rest of the world sees him. He’s not talking about his appearance, despite the lack of reflection. Later on, it’s Tav/Durge who asks Astarion how he wants to be seen, and the vampire spawn will simply answer that he wants to be seen as a person, not as some great and powerful vampire lord.

As the pressure mounts—drawing closer to home, to Cazador, the temptation of the ritual, and his siblings hunting him—Astarion pulls back, telling Tav/Durge he can’t be what they see in him: that he’s more than just the vampire. More than the monster. And once the ascension is refused, the circle closes—whether Astarion is in a romantic relationship with the player or not.

In a friendship path, he’ll say, the morning after the ritual, that Tav/Durge saw something in him—that he could truly be the person they were talking about in Act 2, and not the monster he thought he was in Act 1. In the romantic path, he’ll say it outright: that he feels seen. In his entirety, in his depth—adding that Tav/Durge was patient with him and cared about him the whole time.

And I’ll repeat: these are all aspects that were already part of Astarion, he’s been capable of doing good from the very start, even if he doesn’t know it. The player simply chose to bring them to the surface and value them over what the alternative path offers.

And there’s more—because in the morning-after conversation, Astarion will say to Tav/Durge, just to bring us back to the main point:

Astarion: You did more than that. You believed in me.

Believed I was enough just the way I am.

Here it is, plain and simple: You believed I was enough just the way I am. That’s the point — in the non-ascension path, nothing gets “fixed,” regardless of the trope you reference. Astarion stays the same. Just as he is. From that point onward, he’ll have to heal on his own, with the means he’s always had and some he’s only just rediscovered — like genuine connection with others (who, in this case, aren’t just cattle). And those means are certainly far greater than he ever thought. In the radiant hopeful ending, Astarion doesn’t become a saint. He’s no villain like in the ascension path, but rather an antihero — still a morally grey archetype, full of flaws. He remains a thief, he kills sentient beings to feed, he still enjoys violence, and he takes payment to kill — like a hitman. So what the hell are we even talking about here? Just because now he also enjoys instilling hope in people’s hearts instead of fear? And would that even be a flaw? MEH.

The thing is, that power is like armor he puts on—and a rather heavy one, if we think about what he has to do to get it—but inside, in the ascension path he’ll still be the frightened boy Cazador spoke of. Ascension removes a vampire’s flaws; it “fixes” them physically, if you will. Nothing more.

You can see it, for example, in the brothel scene with the drow twins, where there’s not a trace of pleasure in finally being the one receiving attention rather than the one giving it. You can see it in the way he declares Tav/Durge the only person he can trust. And he can say that because he’s made sure they can’t betray him — by turning them into his spawn. To me, that’s a double-edged insurance policy, because Tav/Durge is the very reason Astarion suddenly finds himself in a position of power. And they’re also the person he loves. Which makes them, simultaneously, a threat in the form of a powerful ally… or competitor. And, of course, the person he literally can’t live without.

So, by making Tav/Durge his spawn, he kills two birds with one stone: he removes a potential enemy who becomes a valuable asset in his arsenal (his right hand), and at the same time, he secures — forever — his beloved anchor figure.

All because, deep down, he’s scared shitless, even in the robes of a powerful vampire lord; and fear, after all, is where paranoia takes root. AA is no exception, and it shows from the very start. “But don’t wander too far — not that you’d ever dream of it, would you?” Or: “[…]but you should go. Mingle, chat, laugh, have fun, my love — and if our friends drop any interesting secrets, bring them right back to me. Until then, I’ll be here — but don’t fret. I’ll be watching. I’ll always be watching.” In his original ending, AA is already planning to kill his companions before they could even become a threat. That’s how much he trusts.

And here I have to digress for a moment, because there’s another concept I really can’t swallow. In the “good” ending, not only does Astarion get “fixed” by that moralising abuser Tav/Durge, but apparently he also becomes totally dependent on them. REALLY? I’ll definitely analyse this better when I replay the ascended route, but for now I can already point out something.

Isn’t AA completely, irreversibly dependent on his consort? Especially in the interpretation given by his most fervent supporters! In this case, Tav/Durge is degrading themselves to stay with a piece of shit like him, who isn’t worth a damn. The only way AA can avoid losing them is by binding them in an unbreakable blood bond, for eternity, one that excludes anyone else from the equation. The consort is the only “special” and “good” figure in his life — the only one he can trust, the only one who truly cares about his well-being and happiness, intelligent, perfect, beautiful — someone he cannot live without, to the point where neither eternity nor power would have any meaning without them. Let’s remember that in this case, Tav/Durge hasn’t challenged Astarion’s distorted view that the world is an awful place full of people ready to kill him—they’ve practically scorched the earth around him until they were the only one left. There isn’t that beautiful scene:

Astarion: You’re the only one. The others don’t have a heart like you. You are you. No one is like that. Tav/Durge: The world can be a wonderful, kind place, Astarion, when you find a home in it. —or— There are many others like me who will care for you, if you’re willing to care for them.

And even though Astarion is reluctant to admit they’re right, he approves of what Tav/Durge is saying. He approves, because the idea appeals to him. The idea reassures him.

But, back to the consort and the AA, if the vampire bride theory were true, they’d even be telepathically inside each other’s heads, for god’s sake! It’s a toxic relationship, a fusion of two individuals who are no longer separate, but locked in a very dangerous symbiosis.

In clinical psychology, for example, we could talk about traumatic attachment, or a “trauma bond.” It’s a dynamic where the relationship becomes both a refuge and a prison. On one hand, the loved one is seen as the only source of safety, comfort, and validation. On the other, precisely because they’re so central, they’re also perceived as a potential mortal threat: if they were to betray, leave, or change, the person’s entire emotional system would collapse.

In Astarion’s case, the bond with Tav/Durge in the Ascended version mirrors — even if less overtly abusive — the one he had with Cazador: it’s an insecure–disorganized attachment, where fear and need coexist and feed each other. His solution isn’t to heal the core wound, but to lock down the relationship with an irreversible pact: turning Tav/Durge into his spawn. It’s an act of control and protection at the same time — a strategy that, in his mind, reduces the risk of abandonment while also cementing mutual dependence.

This kind of bond is extremely exclusive and symbiotic: no one else truly matters, and the other person becomes an extension of the self — irreplaceable and indivisible. In psychology, it’s considered a high-risk condition, because loss (or even just the threat of loss) can trigger anger, paranoia, or extreme behaviours. And the most interesting — and tragic — part is that, in Astarion’s mind, this isn’t “toxic love” at all: it’s love in its safest, most reassuring form, the only model he knows and the only one that feels reliable to him.

I want to stress that, for me, exploring this kind of relationship is perfectly valid within the safety of a fictional narrative. However, hearing people claim that Spawn Astarion — who embraces the vulnerability of a relationship that leaves room for the possibility of separation and all that comes with it — is “completely dependent” on Tav/Durge just because he doesn’t have a mansion, fancy clothes, and a pile of gold is downright exasperating. A 12th-level adventurer is not weak, doesn’t need a babysitter, eats perfectly well, and can damn well do whatever he pleases.

Anyway, I’ll save a deeper analysis of AA and his relationship with the consort for when I have more to work with, but for now I’ll just say this: like you, anon, I’m really glad there’s an ending where Astarion remains almost exactly as he was when we first met him. I’m not a long-time player, and I never tried the EA, but to me the radiant hopeful ending is perfect. It doesn’t magically solve all of Astarion’s problems, but it leaves plenty of space for him to grow as a person—and just as much room for us to imagine what comes next. Who knows? Maybe one day he’ll get a ring that lets him walk in the sunlight again, or even stumble upon a miraculous cure for vampires. <3

[elceewunjo]

Last Line Tag

Thanks for the tag @litsenn! 🩶

I'm working in three different documents at the same time, I'm not even sure which is the one I've written in last... I probably need to figure out a way to organise my time better x) But here's one of the latest I've written (I think. It was definitely today, at least haha).

From a few chapters into the second part of my fic :) maybe the actual chapter attached to this line will be out in a year, if we're lucky... It's pretty fun putting this one with no context haha

The blood on Bhaal's altar was still vivid in his mind, and kept him up most days —plaguing his dreams with the memory of Storm's defeat against Orin again, just as it had those first few months. When he started killing again, he wanted the feeling of Bhaal's satisfaction gone from his mind.

Gently tagging @corvusalbus93 and @missfortunetherogue if you want to :)

[elceewunjo]

*uses an em dash and a colon in the same sentence* we're done when i say we're done.

[elceewunjo]

Crossover comic featuring @fandomantics 's tav, Dom! Ace bards make for the squishiest and cutest little fellas omg just look at them

I've had this in my head for AGES Dom has always seemed more secure and in-the-know about asexuality whereas Aldiirn is on the "there's something wrong with me" side, so who better than Dom to tell Aldiirn, hey your sexuality is a thing, and also people are just that horny on their own, no tadpoles necessary lmao.

[elceewunjo]

Found Storm's song. I'm crying now. Slightly spoilerish, but whateveer, everone who's reading my fic knows where it's headed I haven't made a secret of it haha

This has been one of my favourite songs for years, but I somehow forgot about it for the past couple of years... But everything here speaks about him...

The waters, the glorious ending that was promised but never came, the fear, the thunder, the fury, the failing of strength, and then finally, the end in the arms of endless anger (I always associate Astarion with anger, so... yeah. This breaks my heart)

[Verse 1] I heard a whisper on my shoulder Pretending life is worth the fight Oh can you hear the sound of thunder When fear strangles a soldier's pride And on the surface of the waters Will dance reflections of the fire in the night [Verse 2] I remember cheering from towers A face is smiling in the light I remember the bells, the flowers Those days are dying in the dark Boy I was shaped for the fury Now I pay the price Of the human race's vice And I was promised The glorious ending of a knight But the crown is out of sight [Bridge] I'm slowly drifting into slumber 'Cause I have lost the force to fight It's like a cold hand on my shoulder I'll see you on the other side [Outro] And in the arms of endless anger Will end the story of a soldier in the dark

I somehow forgot how amazing Woodkid is, but I'm back on obsessively listening to his music since he made the soundtrack for Death Stranding 2. Love this guy.

[elceewunjo]

His face here, when you accept to have sex with him for the second time. His gaze mostly.

It has always troubled me.

The way he looks away while saying “until morning at least”.

I can see several reasons:

1 – He’s not really into it and doesn’t exactly want to have sex.

2 – He wants it but feels quite awkward because he begins to have feelings for the PC and feels bad about manipulating them.

3 – He’s said this countless of times before to his “targets”, and they didn’t survive until morning since Cazador would ultimately take them.

4 – A part of him doesn’t want it to stop in the morning, but he’s not ready yet to face his growing feelings for the PC.

5 - He's just tired of the performance, of pretending.

And I’d tend to believe that it could be a little bit of all of this, to a certain extent.

In any case, it’s one of the rare act 1 moments when his mask briefly falls and reveals doubts/vulnerability. And IMO he doesn’t even realize it himself.

Look how quickly and easily he composes himself right after it. As if his doubts suddenly disappeared.

The smile and grandiloquent declaration are back, the mask is back.

It’s an automatism. The 'well-presented' face that opens a lot of doors is so engrained in him that he instinctively adopts it, not only to lure others, but also himself.

But for those few precious seconds, he let himself be seen, without even knowing.

[elceewunjo]

WIP Wednesday

Thanks so much @missfortunetherogue and @ranger-jahen for the tag :3

I had a lot of trouble deciding whether I wanted to post a wip from the second part of my longfic or from the Storm fic, since I'm writing both at the same time, but I think the Storm one will be ready to publish in between the two fics, so here's a snippet (unedited, this is my first draft haha, but I'm happy enough to share.)

Or : how Tav saved Alfira from Storm's bloodlust. Not spoiling the consequences of that just yet, but there will be consequences xD

The release had been denied to him.

The beast that he was struggled and raged against the magic holding him in place, but it was no use. The stranger's will was inflexible. Stronger, even, than his madness.

How dare they?

The knives were still in his paralysed hands. Unbloodied —he hadn't had time to even touch the tiefling bard before the stranger had woken up and found him.

Father will be displeased, he thought.

The distant corner of his mind that was not consumed by the rage wondered what kind of man his father was, that all the thoughts involving him were ones of death and violence.

He waited, quieting the growl deep in his chest. If his captor thought he was relenting, maybe they would release him.

Sure enough, the spell broke eventually.

He lunged, the same distant corner of his mind trying to hold him back just as well as the magic had been. Maybe that gave just enough time for the stranger to cast another spell, because his body froze once more. He would have screamed in frustration if the magic had allowed it.

The bard was crying. Too loud. At least the other one had the decency to struggle against him in silence. He just wanted peace. That's what he wanted to give to the bard from the grove. She was too sweet for this world anyway, her death at his hands would have been a mercy.

Kill, kill, kill, his mind chanted.

"Storm," said the stranger, straining their power against his rage.

Who was Storm? It didn't matter. All that mattered was the blood left unspilt. The release, denied.

"Storm, I know you're still in there."

He didn't like the sound of this name. It made the distant corner of his mind fight harder to come back.

Quiet footsteps came from the forest, and somebody else joined the stranger holding him against his will —a pale elf, graceful and dangerous looking.

"Well, well. Having a party without me, are you?" said the newcomer. "How rude of you."

The stranger rolled their eyes, still struggling to maintain their hold on him. "Help me, will you?"

"Tav, my dear, I am ever at your service. Shall I kill him?"

Tav. Tav, the stranger's name was Tav. He remembered. He had followed them out of the Hells. The other elf had tried to kill them, then. And wanted to kill him, now. Maybe that one deserved to die more than the bard.

"You're very funny, Astarion. But rope will do, thank you."

Astarion. He remembered. This man was death, in a very pleasant way. This man had given him a name, too.

The magic started to falter, but Astarion took the daggers out of his hands before he could break free of Tav's hold. The distant corner of his mind breathed again, for the first time in a long while.

"Hm, pity. Usually when I tie people up, the decor is much nicer, and they are asking for it. But fine, I suppose."

"Storm," Tav whispered. "Hold on. You've got this. I've got you."

Storm. He remembered. Storm was the name of that corner of his mind that refused to give up and kept battling the beast. He clung to it, and started fighting alongside Tav, instead of against them.

Tagging with no pressure @burnt-by-marigolds @irondeficienttav and @litsenn if there's anything you want to share :)

[elceewunjo]

she’s so tired

inspired by a tiktok audio in fact you can find the funnier video version here

[elceewunjo]

jealous astarion is dear to my heart, but it does hurt a little too. when he’s jealous he does get a little meaner, sharp insults that are directed towards you and others in the camp, not necessarily because of insecurity but because of anger. he hates the idea of anyone else being deserving of your kindness. i do think even when he’s not ascended, astarion does have a sort of possessive nature about him, especially when it comes to you. the only person in 200 years to treat him differently and truly mean it.

he holds you close when he’s jealous, sometimes digging his nails into you when you two finally get in bed to sleep for the night. he probably bites you that night, too, wanting to stake an even bigger claim in the form of neck bites.

i think sometimes he becomes a little too mean, and hurts you without really meaning to. he only then realizes it when you go quiet, you tear up, get angry, or however you react when provoked. he doesn’t apologize right away, because i don’t think astarion’s the type to immediately backtrack (especially when jealous, angry, sad, etc.) only when you stop talking to him for prolonged periods of time, after blowing up at him, or crying, or whatever else, does he apologize. his apology comes sort of backhanded at first, “well, darling, it was my fault to not recognize you couldn’t handle some fun banter. perhaps Gale’s little quips are more your style?” and when you don’t respond, or shoot him a glare, or walk away does he really understand how he fucked up.

the next apology is genuine, and you explain to him why taking his emotions out on you is not okay, and how it hurts. “well.. i..” it’s hard for him to get out the words, he didn’t mean to really hurt you.. maybe just a little. to make you feel even the littlest fraction of hurt he felt by even the thought of you leaving for someone else. “I.. apologize, dearest. i will do better in the future.” and he does, because he cares. sometimes he messes up, but so do you. and as the years go on, you know him and you know why he reacts and how he does, you hold him accountable and he appreciates it.

200 years of learned mannerisms and mentality isn’t going to go away overnight, but with you there by his side, astarion thinks he’ll be okay.

[elceewunjo]

OC Layers Tag Game

Thank you so much for the tag @irondeficienttav :3 It was so lovely reading about Nyari! (I'll find more company time soon to catch up on What Binds Us haha)

I keep doing the OC games for Storm, so I figured it was about time I did one just for Natavriel. (finally doodled something I'm happy with for them, so now I'm gonna put it everywhere. sorry not sorry. the background is a paint-over of a screenshot from act 1 camp, cause I'm lazy haha)

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE

Name: Natavriel (Tav is what everybody calls them). No family name, but they will use Willowtear if needed (it's a made up generic elven name).

Eye Colour: Light pink

Hair Style/Colour: Loose curls , dark red, shoulder length, often braided on one side to let at least one of their ear free. Have to show off all that jewellery, right? Jewellery also in their hair when they're not fighting.

Height: 5'9" (I think? I had to convert, not sure the website got it right haha) ~175cm

Clothing Style: Long sleeves, always, lots of layers, and usually flowy patterned fabric with lots of embroidery. Clothes are a work of art as far as they're concerned. I always think of southern Asian clothing with a Game of Thrones vibe. If that makes sense. They're not stupid though, and will wear regular leather armour when needed (they're a bard, they have proficiency).

Best Physical Feature(s): Probably their eyes? The light pink stands out against the tan of their skin, and they'll enhance that with golden (or really dark) makeup when they really want to make an impression.

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE

Fears: Losing the trust of the people they love

Guilty Pleasure: vanity, no doubt here haha

Biggest Pet Peeve: when people purposefully won't take a joke

Ambition for the Future: find some peace and quiet lol (after all their friends are safe and cared for, maybe). Keeping friends safe and cared for is the first ambition x)

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS

First Thoughts Waking Up: Right now, Storm. Usually first thoughts would be a check in with themself to assert whether they are stable and able to make decisions safely. It doesn't always work. (I'll keep it vague because I don't want to info dump here, but that's something I'll talk about again, for sure)

What They Think About the Most: "Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much?" Finding the balance is a constant struggle.

What They Think About Before Bed: check up of the nicest things that happened during the day. (Tough luck, lately)

What They Think Their Best Quality Is: Their empathy. Hard earned through their own struggles (I have a post on the works that'll explain said struggles a lot better than I can do here, because there's a lot going on with them that has barely impacted the fic yet -it will, later)

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

Dogs or Cats? - Both? Both is good. But if they have to choose it'll be cats.

Single or Group Dates? - I mean, Tav doesn't reaally date, date, but would enjoy 'group dates' with close friends and the person (or people) that share their life everyday.

To be Loved or Respected? - no debate.

Beauty or Brains? - They would love to say brains, but I have to be honest here... (realistically, they would like both, though, haha)

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Lie: Yes, often, but not to the people they love. They have expertise in deception, and will often use it, either to protect some people, or to get what they need. Lies are a weapon to them, and they will use it.

Believe in Yourself: Most of the time, yes. There are some mental struggles that get in the way sometimes, I'll probably talk about that more in a later post too.

Believe in Love: That's a complicated question. Yes, but not in the sense most people would understand it, I guess.

Want Someone: They do want companionship, which isn't a thing they've had a lot.

LAYER SIX: HAVE YOU EVER?

Been on Stage: Yes. They used to work professionally as a bard in Waterdeep about 70 years before the events of the game. They would do it for free, nowadays.

Done Drugs: Yes. Many times. Feywild obliges. Very often unwillingly, too. They would not do drugs anymore, except for medication (which they do have, on a daily basis, I'll get into that in another post).

Changed Who You Were to Fit In: Not really, but they can be a pretty chageable person, so sometimes it might look like it.

LAYER SEVEN: WHAT’S THEIR…

Favourite colours: Everything sunset related, lots of pinks and orange, with the occasional dark purple (cloudy sunset).

Favourite animal: They wanted a displacer beast as a child, does that count? Otherwise, any big cats will do.

Favourite book: Oooh this one is important. But it's also full of spoilers that I don't want to disclose haha, so all I'll say is that it's a book they had as a child, and it's basically a story loosely inspired by 'The Snow Queen', from Andersen, with a heavy take on mental illness metaphors (because I cannot be stopped).

Favourite game: Anything that can be played with a Talis deck, they would be quite good at poker.

LAYER EIGHT: AGE

DOB: No idea. They will celebrate getting older around the time they were taken to the Feywild, but they don't even have a precise recollection of how long ago that was or an exact date, so it's just : summer.

How Old Will You Be: Somewhere between 350/400 (yes that's a large range, time is weird in the Feywild), but they're not sure exactly.

Does Age Matter: Not really. Maturity and shared experience will always be far more important.

LAYER NINE: FINISH THE SENTENCE

I love: shared moments with friends and family, summer, pretty clothes, jewellery, stories, dancing, music... life? life.

I feel: right now? heartbroken. But it'll get better. It always does.

I hide: the sadness. Almost always. (At least from most people) Until it cannot be hidden anymore.

I miss: so many people. So. Many. People.

I wish: I was stronger. (That's a complicated one)

Gently tagging @missfortunetherogue, @litsenn, @rivereverie and @corvusalbus93 if you want to (It's a long one, no pressure at all) 😊

[elceewunjo]

Courtesy of tiktok again. Does it count as murder if you're just bad at your job?

[elceewunjo]

Okay I was curious and I did it for Tav as well, didn't think it would be accurate for them, but it kinda is, so I had to share hahaha

Natavriel core (according to pinterest)

the cat is killing me x)

[elceewunjo]

Thanks for the tag @litsenn :3 that was fun

The rules are simple: go to Pinterest, search "your OC's name + core", post six pictures. Then tag six people! (won't be six because I don't have 6 people to tag that haven't done it already xD)

Storm core (according to pinterest).

He's cheating, his name gives it all away.... lol (blame Astarion for having no imagination, that's his fault). I actually had to scroll a lot to have some variety haha (and to avoid all the AI slop...)

Gently tagging (I know I'm double tagging some people, but still no pressure <3) : @missfortunetherogue, @rivereverie, @burnt-by-marigolds, @ranger-jahen

[elceewunjo]

Hope over Power - Chapter 14

I think this might be one of the hardest chapters of the fic. There's a lot here, a most of it is bad. If you're having a bad day, I would recommend waiting to read that one x)

Astarion is being a bit of an asshole for most of the chapter, too. I think grief is a kind of pain that he isn't used to at all. He never had anyone he cared about enough for that. And Astarion's coping mechanism are very often fight and flight when he doesn't know what to do. So fight, mostly, in this case.

The past really is catching up with Astarion, and not thinking about Storm is becoming impossible.

The price you pay for hope Read on AO3

Fic summary : The battle is won, the Netherbrain defeated, and Astarion is free. But as he returns to the shadows, someone fails to follow him —his lover, child of Bhaal, condemned to madness by his own father. For weakness, for disobedience, it matters not, Storm is lost. Astarion navigates his grief with the help of Tav, and fights for closure. POV : Astarion Relationships : Past Astarion x m!FailedDarkUrge (Storm), Astarion & gn!Tav TW for this chapter : Lots of mentions of suicide/suicide intent, Astarion being an asshole

<prev First chapter (AO3 link)

Cheers! 🩶