elusive-desires

[elusive-desires]

[elusive-desires]

i wanna fuck your love slow

[elusive-desires]

[elusive-desires]

1/1/2015

They say the river flows back into the sea. I like to keep that simple, yet complex fact in mind when I think about you. A part of me believes that one day you’ll come back to me, the saddest thing is that that’s the weaker part of myself. The stronger parts of me are the same parts that drag me out to parties and help me swallow that last shot of vodka.

Missing you is like a drug. It gives me a kind of feeling I just can’t explain but once it races through my veins, I don’t ever want to lose the sensation. I never wanted to lose the sensation of our fingers intertwined, as you sat in the drivers’ seat, going a little over 60, coasting down the roads that rested along the coast.

I never wanted to lose the feeling of the pattern of the way you breathed as you lied next to me, with your chest against my back. You generated so much body heat, but the way you shifted in your sleep let me know that someone was there with me.

It’s not like I minded being alone, I never really did. I’d sit alone in restaurants and I’d peruse shops all by myself. But there was something about being with you that made me fear being alone. And it’s that fear that creeps into the corners of my mind when I realize that I’m lonely.

It’s the fear that’s like a blanket, shielding me into darkness. It’s a darkness that would come about when the power would go out and you would light candles. You lit the candles from my birthday, and it was like a tornado of vanilla upswept us and brought us back to that place we’d escape to when the passion was too much to take.

I remember when you took me to that beach and it was closed off, so you hopped the fence and let me in. Whenever I think of that memory, I think of how we were in retrospect, how you broke every single rule I set. The first time you kissed me, I tasted trouble on your lips and when your tongue did risky business with mine, I knew that my halo was off and that every second shared with you would be in sin. But it was okay, because I wasn’t trying to get to heaven anyway. You took me to a kind of nirvana that would make any imagined paradise seem ill conceived and cheap.

At the bottom of the bottle, I always find you, in my thoughts, in my mind and sometimes when it’s not enough, I pour the rest of the vodka down the sink and hope that it finds its way to the sea. 

[elusive-desires]

27 feb 2015

days like this make it hard to understand how everything always seems to change seasons, traffic lights, people you had always been a constant you did things similarly, if not exactly the same everytime you did them. the way you pushed your hair back from your face or the way you got dressed; pants first, then the shirt the food you ordered at restaurants i knew your coffee right down to a T all your ex girlfriends had been model types with bodies passing out envy as though it were a party favor i was nothing like them. i stayed home on friday nights and watched tarantino films so musch that I could recite them line by line from memory i dyed my hair strange colors i pierced places on my body i dreamt of tattoos on my skin i dreamt of tattoos on your skin i dreamt of the way your marked skin would feel so tauntingly close to mine its almost like your heartbeat jumpstarted mine the one in my chest seemed to belong to a hummingbird when you would trail your fingertips along the sides of my body when you kissed me when you kissed me i had always dreamt of it, when you first spoke to me i had watched your lips, the way they curved around your perfect teeth or the way your teeth would sink into your perfect lips or the way your tongue would wet your perfect lips and then wet mine and then we were a mess a lovely mess, not the kind that is too intriguing to live in the kind of mess that is comforting, the mess that makes the environment that of it’s owner. the owner was you and i mostly you you owned a lot of things- comic books, old CDs, spraypaint cans, black t-shirts me you owned me before me, you owned quite a few girls, one might claim you had a collection but you would never admit to such accusation you were merely experimenting with relationships and i happened to catch your eye your eyes that pleaded with me to let you kiss me to let you walk me to my front door to stop biting my lip to stay for five more minutes one more night your eyes that pleaded with me to let you go your eyes that changed into the eyes of a stranger and what hurts me the most is that you could look into my eyes and know exactly who they belong to the girl in the black bikini with the purple hair and the emerald eyes and the lipbite that drove you to insanity and the heartbeat that was sometimes dull and the lips that melted into yours like a popsicle on a sunny day but the sun is set daytime had always been a constant but everything seems to change the phases of the moon, gas prices, the tone of your voice when you said goodbye nights like this make it even harder to understand because there is nothing to process you have left me the way birds leave home in the winter the way water trickles down the drain the way the sun rotates all the way around the earth so that the moon can illuminate all the lost lovers of the world who cannot see, due to the overbearing darkness

[elusive-desires]

“What if I’m someone I don’t want around.”

[elusive-desires]

do you wish you were seeing somebody

a therapist 

[elusive-desires]

8/7/2014

I love you.

I’m scared of how much I might actually and truly love you.

It breaks my heart because I know our time is up. I know we’re going to keep trying to just “hang on” and avoid the inevitable, but we both know what’s coming.

I avoid the subject, but I can see it making its way closer to me from the corner of my eye.

So let’s pretend; like every time we kiss, we’ll still feel the same; like every time you look at me, you still feel the attraction you did the first time you saw me.

I’m sorry if I’m heartless. It’s just that I’m scared. All good things come to an end and all the “hello’s” end in a “goodbye” eventually.

I’m scared to let you go because once I do, that’s it. Someone else is going to come along and I know you always thought I was the best (even though I argued that I wasn’t) and it pains me to try and imagine how much you might think the next person will be even better.

It scares me that tomorrow morning, we’ll wake up together but tomorrow night, we’ll fall asleep in someone else’s bed. I don’t know what the hardest part of all this is- letting you go or trying to stall that and end up losing you anyway.

Don’t make empty promises- please… Don’t tell me that you’ll write, because words mean everything but they also mean nothing. Don’t tell me that you’ll call because I don’t want to hear the sadness in your voice when you say how much you miss me and I don’t want you to hear the heartbreak in mine when I tell you I miss you too. To top it off, I just can’t hear the pings of happiness in your voice when you found joy in the arms of someone else. Don’t send me pictures of yourself or the places you go to because I don’t want to see the eyes that were once my escape or the lips I crave but can never taste.

I don’t want to look at our pictures that already exist, because they hurt so bad. I can’t delete them because I just don’t want to forget- yet. But on the days that I do, I wish I could forget you and all the memories we shared. I wish that every night when I lie awake, numb in bed and all I can feel is your touch that’s still imprinted in my skin and your smell lingers in the air like a toxin making its way into my lungs.

The worst part is that as I write this, you’re lying asleep next to me. You’re here- but you’re already gone. I feel it every day, every time and every moment- that whenever you hold my hand you become a phantom losing your touch. Whenever you kiss me, I can taste on your tongue that you feel the end nearing too. Whenever you hold me, I slip right through you like a ghost.

I keep thinking that it’s all just karma- all for me being a wretched, bitch and you being too good to be true. Since the day I met you I had planned on losing you- bracing myself ever since; but nothing I do can ever stop the aching pain in my weak heart.

It’s because I love you.

No matter what I do, it doesn’t matter how old I am or who I’m being lonely with- I’ll always keep our favorite memories stuck on a loop in my mind; like our late night drives and conversations.  One day, we’ll completely change- our tattoos will just be displayed on our aging canvas of skin and all our favorite songs will be on the radio on “throwback” days- and we will turn the volume up a little bit more so we can feel every touch and every kiss. But the worst thing is that we will never remember what they felt like. It’s almost as if someone else lived the moment for us and now we’re stuck with the burden of a memory.

But my BIGGEST FEAR is that I’ll see you on the street hand in hand with a girl just like me- maybe better. You’ll come say hi to me and my boyfriend who’s a lot like you (but in reality, nowhere close) and we’ll make small talk and laugh and at last, for a mere moment- your gaze is mine again.

But the second you walk on your way, there’s that old familiar hollow feeling creeping up again. It only gets worse where my heart sinks like an anchor in the pit of my stomach to turn around to get one last glimpse of you and see you doing the same thing. We’ll both know we fucked up but when this was our fate, what could we do?

I can feel that pinge of sadness that I’ll get when I’m going through my old things and I find your old t-shirt that made its way into my box- it still smells just like you do, a mix of musk and mint. Suddenly one whiff turns me eighteen again and I’m in your arms which were my favorite place. No matter what I do, something always pulls me back from you and I’m not strong enough to fight it back because you were my strength.

The future comes, always.

When she does, she knocks you off your feet.

But before she makes her grand entrance I just wanted to let you know that I’ve enjoyed every waking moment I shared beside you. You’ve sent me on excursions through all the curves and trails that lie in your body. I’ve made maps and found treasure over and over again. But this exploration is done because you were my summer love and summer is over.

I know I promised you forever, but you promised me a bed of roses and roses eventually wither. 

[elusive-desires]

via weheartit

[elusive-desires]

May 13, 2018

I miss you

I want to tell you that every single day is so much longer than the last.

I want you to know that when I move one small step forward, I blink and I’m a thousand steps back

I know that you’re in there locked away... Your body is still as beautiful and perfect as ever. But I have never loved you for your flesh.

My words used to crawl between your aching bones and heal them, and now they slip through your hands like grains of sand... and you are indifferent.

My mind dances down memory lane and I’m sitting in Denny’s with you for the second or third time. But unlike my usual, I get a stack of blueberry , white chocolate chip pancakes. They were amazing. But what really compelled me, was that every single Saturday and Sunday morning from then on, you made it your mission to make me the best pancakes you could, from scratch. Almost three years later, I haven’t told you that I never liked pancakes. But I would eat yours any day.

Now Saturday comes and I’m sitting alone on the couch drinking a cup of coffee that has seemingly gone cold.  

So I go for a drive , and the radio is a painful mix of all your favorite songs- The 1975, every hip hop song you blared as you cleaned your room, Mexican music, everything.

I remember when you asked me if I had ever been kissed in the rain , and I had never been kissed at all until you. You told me that you had. Then one day it’s raining and I wonder deep down , if you’re dwelling on that rainy kiss, and if you miss her. I realize it doesn’t matter , because it’s raining and I want nothing more than to press my lips against yours. Then I realize I would rather kiss you on a sunny day because your eyes look so captivating when the sunlight hits them. They look like melted gold, and I want to be rich.

When I go to sleep at night, I’m haunted by you. Firstly I can never fall asleep anymore. I wake up so , so early because the loneliness creeps under my skin. But my dreams are the worst- I dream of us in a beautiful home, designed exactly the way you wanted. The pancakes are there too, and the coffee, and you’re strumming your guitar. Right when you’re about to sing, you’re gone and I can’t stop hearing the music.

I remember when I asked you why you never bought me flowers, you went and got me the most beautiful orchid I had ever seen. Then I let it die on accident when we went on vacation. I remember you kept the vase that it was in and wanted to use it as a cup.

I realize that I’m driving so fast, I have to slow down. I realize that I’m driving, and that I no longer have the sweet privilege of sitting in the passenger seat, watching the wind rush and blow through your soft, fluffy hair and your beard. I’m the one behind the wheel, and I don’t know where I’m going, I just hope that you’re there... i look up , and realize the sun is gone, and that is is raining again.

[elusive-desires]

04/03/2018

[elusive-desires]

Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red.

Kait Rokowski (via sunsetquotes)

[elusive-desires]

Honestly? I’ve been tired for years, I dont remember the last day I felt alive I dont remember the last day I in braced Honestly? I wish I had killed myself three years ago when I had the time, now I’m too busy holding my own hand, now I’m too busy chugging heartbreak to feel full Honestly? I’m lost but I know exactly where I should be, I’ve learned to accept that I need to wait, I’ve learned to accept being loved will never be easy for me Honestly? I’ve been calling for help, but I dont think I want it, even if I get better I’ll still have to tell others all I’ve gone through, and I’d rather waste away

I’m done lying//kayla (via starsmattersinpoetry)

[elusive-desires]

Girls I Have Loved

i. I loved her right away. I was only 12, at the mercy of the frigid air, but my breath lit a fire in my chest when I saw her. She laughed, a quick sound that was saturated with joy, and I collapsed, helpless, as though my ribs had decided to cave in on themselves. I lost my heart to her and didn’t sleep for a week.

ii. She was so easy to fall for, the kind of girl with reckless beauty and unfiltered emotions. It seemed as though she was born of sunbeams and every time she smiled it was like my ribcage cracked open and all the bad flew out. I’ve always been broken but she was whole enough for the both of us, careless enough for the both of us, kind enough for the both of us. She used to pore over my artwork, she would call me a goddess. She was Aphrodite; she had earnest eyes that perpetually shone and flushed cheeks and God, she had the most beautiful laugh. I studied the curves of her lips like she was holy. Each moment that I passed with her was a sacrament, and my heart ached for months after she was gone. I think a part of me will always be in love with her smile.

iii. I fell in love so slowly, I didn’t realize. Didn’t realize until I was completely enamored with every part of her; her blonde eyelashes, the cadence of her voice, the way she can’t stand it when you mispronounce words. She smells like lavender and vanilla candles and clean linen, her hands are soft and pale her wrists are crisscrossed with delicate blue veins that she says she hates but are so beautiful to me. She lets me draw flowers on her hands, and I hold them gently, touch as light as a moth’s wing. Her eyes aren’t stunning like jewels but they can see all the shattered parts of me and she doesn’t leave, her smile isn’t breathtaking but suddenly it’s all that I can think about and she isn’t shiny like in the movies but it feels like my future is written in her palms, feels like I’ve loved her for centuries.

[elusive-desires]

my soul is the ruins left of a kingdom brought to its knees.

eira s. (via preselys)

[elusive-desires]

I want to love so hard that I turn to rain.

Let me wash over you.

-D.K.

(via doekent)

[elusive-desires]

His love for me was like water I was drowning in it, but couldn’t live without it.

two faced love  (via what-she-writes)