elviradebord

[elviradebord]

You say sensitive

Like it’s a bad thing

But in a world that turns hearts to deserts

I grow forests of laughs and tears

And water them with chaos

You say unstable

Like it’s a bad thing

But are you even alive

If you seek comfort

More than you seek challenges

You say sad

Like it’s a bad thing

Like it didn’t make me a warrior of truth

A once in a lifetime woman

Like the sad in me doesn’t bring out the happy

And make my life extraordinary

You say deep

Like it’s a bad thing

But honey aren’t you tired

Of living life in the backseat of your own damn car

Of complaining about the consequences of your own damn actions?

Aren’t you tired

Of telling me I’m lucky

When I braved storms

And climbed mountains and

Went through hell and back

Just to create my own luck?

I’m deep

I’m sad

I’m unstable

I’m sensitive

But baby

I’m more me

Than you could ever be

Evi

[elviradebord]

I miss you

When you’re right next to me

Probably because of

Everything we could be

Probably like

The sky misses the sea

I miss when you used to

Miss me

You the flower

Me the bee

I miss me

When I’m right next to you

Probably because of

Everything we could do

Probably like

You the foot and me the shoe

You the eyes and me the view

You, you, you

Me the old and you the new

Me the bed and you the flu

Me the grass and you the dew

I miss every

Thing I’ll never be

And every

Sunset I’ll never see.

Evi

[elviradebord]

I’m sick of floored socks and thank yous

Thank you for making your life hard to make mine easy

Just as clean mirrors reflecting your arrogance, breezy

Easy as plates taken from your hands because “you don’t know how to”

I’m sick of you not knowing and you not wanting to

Mute and blind when we’re brave and kind

Soups don’t grow on trees and neither do diapers

You don’t need to buy us flowers

Just don’t pee on the floor and clean your hair after showers

I’m so sick of your thank yous

Of double shifts behind closed doors

Never ending chores

I’ll rip the laundry out of your mom’s hands and force your dad to stand up

Stand up

Stand up

It’s our turn to sit now, we have learning to do

How to build gardens of love with volcanic dust

How to destroy this system that’s now full of rust

Where does freedom start and why do fireflies glow

And when do we know when it’s time to go

Also, how to fix bikes and give orders and fight back

Like father like son, I’m so sick of all that

Get up

Get up

I’ve done enough today and yesterday and before yesterday

We’re wasting our lives serving your purposes

We also have jobs we’re not at your service

I’ll stay seated as I hide lava behind my eyelids

And burn your privilege in my head

I’ll confidently converse about things you don’t get

You’ll wash the dishes instead

Let’s agree that gender roles are not a whimsical threat.

Evi

[elviradebord]

we heard that you were very disappointed in us both as a generation and specifically as a generation of women (emphasis yours), how we had let ourselves go and now we were slutty and ill-tempered and holding onto notions of feminism like "having a savings account" and "equality."

we were very sorry about it, we didn't realize. it is very hard for you, in your life, because your entire definition was centered around the word providing, and that's a really vague and undulating word. it is hard to be a provider. for your purposes, the word provider here can be defined as "having a job", although it sometimes also extends to "doing yard work", "grilling on occasion," and "knowing basic car anatomy."

we had to do some reading but we divided it out. do not worry. high-value women will fill in the rest of the gaps of your life - all those silly feminine things like doing the dishes. we didn't realize we had asked too much when we asked you to pick up after yourself. we did not realize you were rendered small and scared and crying about the possibility of doing the laundry. here is a joke to lighten the sentiment: a man that listens when you talk to him.

we heard about how we had fallen from glory and it sickened us and made us very, very sad. lindsey had to cut all her hair off and tara threw up. we lit one million candles and we are going to have a vigil about it tonight. all of the people in this world that you do not approve of are going to be there and we will all be in mourning colors because we have lost your respect which is of course the only thing that any of us were looking for.

we searched around our bedrooms and our closets and for some of us it took a while but we all found the pricetag that we were originally born with, the one that gave our listing offer, the one that smells like rot and pine needles. we were horrified because many of us had taken deductions and hadn't realized it. i had scraped my knees and decided to be a lesbian so they had to take my voicebox out so i could never call home again. janice had been with too many people overall so we had to put her into the big squisher that will hopefully collapse her walls so that when you're with her, you'll feel so big and powerful. it will be like you're conquering something instead of being close with someone.

we are all going to the funeral of feminism and we will tear at our bodies and fall over ourselves. we will invite you onstage for a live recording of your podcast about the occasional minor inconvenience of self-reflection. you will talk about how we have targeted you and made you feel the sweat slick down your back, and we will teach you basic self-defense out of solidarity.

do not worry, we are seeing to all the outliers. taylor asked to be taken seriously so we have shipped her off to prison. laura asked you to accept her femininity regardless of her presentation. you will be happy to hear all women are now and forever going to have to be small and thin and pretty and white and ablebodied and quiet and unassuming and ladylike, which is different than how society has previously told us to act.

i am going to have to shave off my jawline, which is a little masculine, and they are going to have to reshape my hands, which are very square and thick - all the work i've done with them has made their veins stand out, so we're just going to have to exsanguinate me. i am horrified to have been out in public like this.

we are going to sit around the campfire and we will talk about being weird little girls that made potions in pink teacups. we will talk about the first time we made a difference. we will talk about the private lives of crickets, and then, at the stroke of three in the morning (the witching hour, obviously) - we will all promptly shut up.

and this will be your beautiful world. this silence that spans every corner of every street and every zoom meeting and every alley. i do not think you'll notice at first - it will be the same as every television show and movie and book. we will all just simply sit there in our doll dresses and smile blithely at your advances and none of us will do you the dishonor of answering and none of us will appear to be in distress and none of us will nag you or make a fuss or get hysterical about it. it will just be quiet, and you will say finally, some peace for once! and we will smell of smoke and our teeth will be white and the next day will come.

tonight we are going to bury the last little bits of our humanity. you are not invited. it is going to be ugly.

[elviradebord]

Nothing ever felt as good

As everything does right now

It’s as if life was not just terrifying whirlpools

Evenings spent on sad bar stools

A fucking race to the end of nothingness

Anymore

It never felt as soft and that

Well that is terrifying

Where are

The curled up balls of demonized rage

The flesh eating insects that I know

Now knew?

No nothing has ever felt like this before

I delve into beds of freshly cut grass

And talk to myself a lot

I’m not ashamed

Where did all the pain go and when

Does it come back, you know?

Where it goes,

Can it please not take my poems?

And would somebody please show him

That if I could have found a way

I would have tried to stay?

Nothing ever felt as sanely normal and

Messed up my nerviness so much

I really do fear that healing

Is slowly killing

The artist in me.

Evi

[elviradebord]

Here's to all the broken toys

Mangled by mouth and fist

Damaged by those girls and boys

Who bit more oft than kissed

To the shadows who learned to hide

Their blood, their tears, their shame

Who cradled agony deep inside

Who shouldered all the blame

My darlings, you deserve a life

As beautiful as you are

A stillness free from fear and strife

To glow like some bright star

I hope you find healing, hope you find grace

I hope you've gentle arms to hold you

I hope the sun kisses your face

That you find happiness that's true

[elviradebord]

Shoes off

Leftovers

Pending messages

Pending toothbrush

Procrastination is a work in progress

Face wash

Cashier smile

Get up

Make tea

It’s so hard to go home sometimes

Hug myself

Focus in and out

Light off

Pants on

I didn’t sign up for this

Say: good and you?

Nod / sigh / smirk

Find wallet

Find keys

It’s so hard to go home sometimes

Evi

[elviradebord]

I am everyone's first time

I am the one whose eyes surprise

I am your unexpected

Your innovation

Your adventure

Your wasted time

And sometimes at night I whisper to my pillow

"Whose last time will I be?"

Evi

[elviradebord]

There’s people who draw little hearts everywhere. On a snowy windshield. On a sandy beach. In the corner of a page. There’s people who dip biscuits in their coffee and find it funny when they see it crumble and sink in the cup. Often they will ask you how did you sleep or tell you to get home safe, text me when you get there. There’s people whose voice will make you feel warm inside and whose smile will make up for every cold reply you’ve gotten from others in a day. Those people will want to listen. Want to wait. Want to stay. They’ll be like a pocket of comfort. Feel familiar the first time you meet, feel like hot soup on a cold winter night. There’s people who are music for the soul, food for the brain and rest for the heart. Hold on to them. They’ll help you crayon a life you didn’t know needed colors.

Evi

[elviradebord]

Fuck

I miss you

You just left and

I miss you

I’m sad I’m lonely I’m confused and I miss you

You and your hands your dimples and your laugh

You and your non-perfect fucked up way of being alive

Your joy your patience your impatience your way of holding me

The way you could make me feel safe and at home when home felt far away

Inexistant sometimes

You and your ugly feet and runny nose and coffee breath and stupid really stupid jokes

I miss it already the good the bad everything else

I miss it because

I know how time makes love rusty and dusty and foggy

And we were so bright so right

I miss not caring about you because then it would hurt less and

I wouldn’t have to say I’m tired every time someone asks me what’s up

You weren’t my whole world but what’s a cake without its frosting and

What’s a summer without the sun and

Where will all this love go I don’t want to spill it anymore

You just left and you’re happy and I’m so happy that you’re happy but

Why do I still miss you

I’m scared of it fading because I know how quickly my heart forgets and

I don’t want to forget once again how beautiful love can be

It comes and it goes and

Oh well that’s ok but can it stay maybe just a while maybe for some years

I want to be with you and also

Am I getting punished for not believing and playing around

Pretending it happens to anyone but me

Come back to me

Come back once you’re soothed and smoothed out come back

Bigger fuller more you than you’ve ever been and

If you get lost well once again you’ll find your way

Because that’s life and that’s love it makes everything just a little less painful and now

Well now I miss you less I guess I’ll just do my best

To be there because

Maybe that’s what friends do maybe

That’s what love is about

Evi

[elviradebord]

Sleepless nights and countless laughs on your sun-kissed cheeks

Love unspoken tastes sweet as our drunken words seek

The thoughtless careless caress and that look in your eyes

That look saying open me up tear me up feel me up

Fill me up today leave me hollow tomorrow, I mean tomorrows are for regrets and tonight

Tonight I’ll mistake you for my home and we’ll dance barefoot around what some call lust

There is no us but you and me, milk and honey

Undress me impress me compress me then leave me feeling empty

Evi

[elviradebord]

I love my tears

Except when they become yours

They glow in the dark and

You can see me hurt

Weeping willow

Soaked wet pillow

If I cry you cry

So I lie

I lie

Buried underwater

Water lilies

Shallow worries

I love my tears

But it’s your eyes

My heart fears

Evi