emofrogjuice

[emofrogjuice]

The Jig is Up

people are starting to see through me

i’m losing my friends because of who i’m becoming

but this is who i’ve always been, stuffed inside a briefcase.

i’ve always been scared and blunt and paranoid. i’ve always been messy and emotional and loud. but i guess i was keeping the worst of it tucked

i’m evolving into the most complicated form of myself as i ask questions and get answers.

comments about my body and how much i talk bother me, but not to the scale or magnitude that someone calling out a genuine character flaw does. and it doesn’t bother me per say, more so, it makes me angry at myself. eventually i obsess over fixing this behavior and it consumes me until become a jumbled mess that can’t be saved. i’m being consumed by my flaws and im falling apart. the jig is up. they see through me. my god they see my mortal flesh. i’m no better than the ones ripping me open. i socially dissect my peers too. i’m not mad. simply saddened that i couldn’t stop myself from cracking.

my god did i ever have my flaws under control? or could they always see through me? and if they could always see through me, why didn’t i feel like a spectacle until a couple of weeks ago? were there just too many flaws? did my humanity become intolerable? how can i fix myself for you? i’d jump off a bridge if you asked nicely enough.

but that within itself is where the problem lies. i would do anything for you and you wouldn’t. you don’t care. i’m nothing. which is fine. but it’s still true.

i hate my body. i forgot to mention how much i hate my body. it’s not helping anything. and it doesn’t add to my writing

but it’s eating me alive. and this writing is simply an extension of me. cut from the same cloth and woven from the same thread. in this moment this piece of writing is me looking in the mirror. what i feel and what i see right now affects this writing and this writing only. every piece is unique because I’m a little different each time. i could write the same concept over and over each day and it would sound different each day because something changes.

this is a snapshot of how i feel that is truly only sacred to me. no one can feel exactly how i feel. we’re all so different, complete 100% empathy can’t be accomplished, only strived towards and yearned for. i don’t think i’ll feel like this forever. but at the moment this is my reality. the consequences of my actions. so i reflect it in my art. and my art is my writing.

this is the only thing that calms my mortal soul. my cat, my writing, my mind, and me. the vessel for the art and the message i’ve been choking on since i was 14

p.s: when we were 14 you said this song was about us. which one of us is stuck to the wire?

e. buckler

3/22/25

[emofrogjuice]

im just not convinced humans were ever meant to be this busy

[emofrogjuice]

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[emofrogjuice]

Juliette Drouet, from a letter to Victor Hugo written c. May 1846

[emofrogjuice]

[emofrogjuice]

Schuyler Peck, Worth the Wait

[emofrogjuice]

@ryebreadgf / The Truth About Grief, Fortesa Latifi / bone deep, m.v.e / Sidewalk, Richard Silken / unknown / 60 hours, m.v.e / @itsblackleader / Salt, Nayyirah Waheed / @heavensghost

[emofrogjuice]

"A small group of activists assembled before dawn on a recent day in a South L.A. parking lot preparing to patrol the neighborhood. The gathering was not unlike what you see when police congregate in a parking lot preparing for a raid.

Only this time, the target was federal immigration agents.

The activists were from the Community Self Defense Coalition, which fights for immigrant rights. They were armed with two-way radios, bullhorns, and were trained to spot undercover vehicles from U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement or the Department of Homeland Security.

The coalition formed in the wake of the second election of President Donald Trump and includes groups from across Los Angeles. They say their aim is to find ICE agents, alert the community to their presence using bullhorns, and drive them out of neighborhoods.

“They’re on our land. This is our territory,” said Ron Gochez of Unión del Barrio, which is part of the coalition. “Whatever they do here, they have to know they are going to meet an organized resistance.

“There is nowhere, there is no alleyway, no little corner of our city anywhere where an ICE raid can happen where we won’t know about it almost immediately,” he said.

An ICE spokesperson confirmed in a statement that agents have aborted at least one enforcement action “due to safety concerns brought on by protesters/bystanders.” The spokesperson declined to give his name “due to a heightened security risk to ICE employees.” ...

Tracking ICE

Last week, a high school history teacher, an ethnic studies instructor and a youth program leader were among the activists in South L.A. Nine people in three cars rolled into the darkened streets looking for ICE agents.

“We drive the streets of our neighborhood looking for anything suspicious,” said Gochez, a 43-year-old father and high school history teacher. "We start early in the morning because we know this is when ICE starts their operations.”

Gochez is a member of Unión del Barrio, one of the members of the coalition.

Unión del Barrio started the patrols in 2020 during a Biden Administration crackdown on unauthorized immigrants. The organization restarted the patrols over the past few weeks in response to the second Trump Administration.

On Wednesday, Gochez’s two-way radio crackled with the sound of a colleague checking in from another car on patrol.

“Copy. We are on Jefferson and Trinity. All clear,” she announced.

They looked for ICE vehicles – typically with heavily tinted windows, usually on an American made sedan or SUV, almost always with a cage in the back seat for detainees. Sometimes, the cars are parked sideways on a street in front of their target or grouped together in a grocery store parking lot.

Gochez said he and the other activists try to catch ICE agents in those lots as they gather before a raid.

“We try to catch them at that stage — that way we’re able to affect their plan and at the same time, we start alerting the community.”

When they find federal agents, they go into publicity mode.

“We go live on social media,” Gochez said. “We use our megaphone to alert the immediate community that ICE is present.”

In a recent Facebook Live post, Gochez can be seen speaking into a bullhorn across the street from where ICE agents appear to be conducting a raid.

“Everybody in this community, if you can hear me please do not come outside if you are undocumented,” he says on the video. “We have terrorists in our community.”

He implores people who are documented to come outside and support the protest.

Enforcing law vs defending community

Later, L.A. police officers confronted Gochez.

“We’re not interfering,” he told them.

“Yes you are,” responded an LAPD officer, who forced Gochez and the other protestors down the street.

The participation of city police officers appeared to violate L.A.’s sanctuary cities law, which prohibits police from cooperating or assisting ICE agents...

ICE backs off

As part of the coalition, Unión del Barrio has trained people from more than 50 other organizations to engage in similar patrols, including The National Lawyers Guild, Jewish Voice for Peace and The Peoples Struggle San Fernando Valley, according to Gochez.

It's unclear how many conduct regular patrols like Unión del Barrio does.

Gochez estimates his and other groups have intercepted ICE on about a dozen occasions. He said in some cases, ICE has backed off of a raid because of Unión del Barrio’s presence.

Cardona said ICE agents called off the raid when they were called out at the Target. “That one day, we knew we prevented several people from being detained and deported, their lives being uprooted.” ...

Union del Barrio urges people to use a text thread or to have some sort of a phone tree to alert each other about the presence of ICE in their neighborhoods. The group also has a hotline people can call if they spot ICE.

“We get calls from Uber drivers. We get calls from street vendors. We get calls from business owners and just everyday normal people who support the work that we do,” said Gochez, who refers to ICE detentions and arrests as the “kidnappings.”

“It is a kidnapping – no different from when they kidnapped Native Americans during the Indian Removal Act,” Gochez declared.

He said many of the calls to the coalition are false alarms, involving local agencies, like LAPD or the county Sheriff’s Department, conducting their own undercover operations. But the coalition is focused on the actions of federal immigration agents.

A new tactic

Experts said the tactic of patrolling for ICE is relatively new.

Mirian Martinez-Aranda, an associate professor of sociology at U.C. Irvine, said it lets members of immigrant communities know they are not alone.

“It's a new form in which immigrant communities and their supporters are finding a way to protect each other and to stand up for what's unfair and cruel,” Martinez-Aranda told LAist.

-via LAist, March 17, 2025

[emofrogjuice]

early spring air got me feeling like I was reborn

[emofrogjuice]

not a dream

my birthday is on the 16th

big 31

[emofrogjuice]

april 2022

for context i have iih, and this is about my journey with the disorder, which i have been battling since April 2022. this recaps my feelings through that first month

wanna learn more about iih? visit:

without further ado, april 2022

‧˚₊⋅ ୨୧ ⋅₊˚‧

flowers on my casket

i’m laying in my grave

feel the pressure behind my eyes

feel the weight in my knees

this is what dying feels like

dry throat

i’m choking on blood and gauze

i’m choking on pills

i’m choking on the words that won’t come out

stitches in my mouth

pressure behind my eyes

i fantasize

fantasize about sleeping through the night

fantasize about seeing my face clearly in the mirror

magically waking up without any pain

but that’s doesn’t happen

because i’m dying

i’m laying on my couch screaming and crying

and i know i’m dying

the doctors said it was fine

my x-rays were normal

my blood is clean

my CT was perfect

but the fentanyl isn’t working

and the tylenol isn’t helping

and the heating pad is burning a hole into my neck

the lidocaine patches burn my nose

the icy hot does too

my veins are busted open

i’m battered and bruised

i haven’t showered in what feels like a year

i haven’t slept for what feels like two

so i’m begging the doctors

to peel back my skin and make me someone else

because this body is broken

this body is jagged

this body is dying

and i need to live

can’t feel my fingers

can’t touch my toes

my back won’t bend and my eyesight is fading

it’s getting harder to breathe

how does it feel to know you’re going to die?

well i guess i wouldn’t know

because it didn’t kill me

two years later and the only thing i left behind was a piece of my soul.

one that was left in those hospital rooms

one that was left on my couch after those awful, sleepless nights

one that i can’t get back

but i’m learning to live without

e. buckler

9/20/2024

[emofrogjuice]

prozac and glitter:

going 55 in a school bus and i think im in a midwestern hell

towards the back im trying to read my book but the words are rippling like rain puddles and i cant see a thing

there’s an ache behind my eye that hasn’t gone away since i was 15 and ive got some nerve making it the reason i slept for an hour after i got home from school last night

truth is if i sleep then i wont eat. wont binge before dinner, maybe ill be lighter on my feet.

i had ice for breakfast and i know its hopeless but i wanna be skinny so bad it hurts. so im fulfilling a deep desire i haven’t addressed in two years and im trying to leave my disordered eating behind. but generational curses don’t rinse off in the shower like dirt. it takes more than soap and water to get this out of me. it’s sitting in my bones and leaking into my bloodstream.

my words are for the girls whose guts have glitter in them

whose genes betrayed them

my words are for the boys who paint their nails and grow out their hair

for the people on the midnight news with a DUI stare

something that comes from the heart

the most genuine thing i can muster

these words are for everyone

but they stick with the ones with glitter in their guts and prozac in their pillbox.

the ones who haven’t seen their therapist in two weeks and cut their hair in art class.

the ones with to do lists full of things they haven’t stopped long enough to do.

i see you

i hear you

i know you

safe to say the kids aren’t alright. my best friend is codependent and my childhood friends are smoking pot in the restrooms. my face hurts and i don’t think it’s the secondary smoke, but i can’t rule it out.

somedays im afraid ill never leave this train town. but other days im scared to leave. i need to see my grandparents as much as i can. maybe i could just live with them. i know that’s not realistic but i want it to be. because they’re the only people that will ever really understand me. and mother says they’re getting old and i can’t trust their words but i love them so much and maybe that’s enough to break the curse. i hold their words firm to my heart. i wish mom could see what i see. maybe i should let her go explore the world and take care of them instead.

my future is pending and im scared

so cut me some slack if i haven’t said the right words

forgive me if im not as attractive as i was in april

forgive me if i seem high strung

i swear im not always like this

do you still like me?

did you ever?

or was i just something to keep your hands busy?

i hate this game.

no amount of sleep

no amount of water

no amount of therapy

could change what’s wrong with me

it’s a deep rooted trait

it lives in my bones

it lives in my cells

it lives in my dna

and there has always been something inherently wrong with me

something so unlikable

something about my soul

my personality

a part of me that no one could ever truly love

because either it’s so tedious its like a tumor on their back

or because it’s so pathetic it’s painful to watch.

anyways it’s thursday and my shoes are falling apart. but i’m glad i woke up this morning. even if it doesn’t sound like it.

by: e. buckler

written 9/19/24

originally posted on wordpress under Thought Daughter Diaries

[emofrogjuice]

Ides of March 2025 is going to be a fucking blast because it will have been 2069 years since Caesar's death day

[emofrogjuice]

One day you think: I want to die. And then you think, very quietly, actually I want a coffee. I want a nap. A sandwich. A book. And I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friends, I want to sit in the sun. I want a cleaner room, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else, I want to live.

[emofrogjuice]

Northern Gaza is witnessing intense Israeli bombardment right now.

Israel and the US have resumed the genocide of Gaza.

Israel is currently bombing Gaza, Yemen, Lebanon and Syria.

In all my life, I have never wished for the obliteration and decimation of a state more than I have for Israel.

(source)

[emofrogjuice]

‼️‼️‼️

"A medical technology company in Australia is aiming for a world-first: it wants to launch a blood test for endometriosis (sometimes called 'endo' for short) within the first half of this year [2025].

In a recent peer-reviewed trial, its novel test proved 99.7 percent accurate at distinguishing severe cases of endometriosis from patients without the disease but with similar symptoms.

Even in the early stages of the disease, when blood markers may be harder to pick out, the test's accuracy remained over 85 percent.

The company behind the patent, Proteomics International, says it is currently adapting the method "for use in a clinical environment," with a target launch date in Australia for the second quarter of this year [2025].

The test is called PromarkerEndo.

"This advancement marks a significant step toward non-invasive, personalized care for a condition that has long been underserved by current medical approaches," managing director of Proteomics International Richard Lipscombe said in a press release from December 30.

Endometriosis is a common inflammatory disease that occurs when tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows in other parts of the body, forming lesions. The disease can be very painful, and yet the average patient often suffers debilitating symptoms for up to seven years before they are properly diagnosed.

While there are numerous reasons for such a long delay, symptoms of endometriosis are often highly variable, unpredictable, difficult to measure or describe, and dismissed or overlooked by doctors.

Today, the only definitive way to diagnose endometriosis is via keyhole surgery called a laparoscopy, which is expensive, invasive, and carries risks.

Proteomics International is hoping to change that.

In collaboration with researchers at the University of Melbourne and the Royal Women's Hospital, the company compared the bloodwork data from 749 participants of mostly European descent.

Some had endometriosis and others had symptoms that were similar to endo but without the lesions. All participants had a laparoscopy to confirm the presence or absence of the disease.

Sifting through the bloodwork, researchers ran several different algorithms to figure out which proteins in the blood were best at predicting endometriosis of varying stages.

Building on previous research, a panel of 10 proteins showed a "clear association" with endometriosis.

For years now, scientists have investigated possible blood biomarkers of endometriosis to see if they could differentiate between those who have endo and those who do not. Similar to cancerous tumors, endo lesions can establish their own blood supply, and if cervical cancer can be diagnosed via a blood test, it seemed possible that endometriosis could be, too...

Proteomics International claims patents for PromarkerEndo are "pending in all major jurisdictions," starting first in Australia.

It remains to be seen if the company's blood test lives up to the hype and is approved by the Australian Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA). But that's not outside the realm of possibility.

In November of 2023, some researchers predicted that a "reliable non-invasive biomarker for endometriosis is highly likely in the coming years."

Perhaps this is the year."

-via ScienceAlert, January 9, 2025

--

Note: As someone with endometriosis, let me say that this is a HUGE deal. The condition is incredibly common, incredibly understudied, and incredibly often dismissed. Massive sexism at work here.

I got very lucky and got diagnosed after about 6 months of chronic pain (and extra extra lucky, because my pain went away with medication). But as the article says, the average time to diagnosis is seven years.

Being able to confirm endometriosis diagnoses/rates without invasive surgery will also lead to huge progress in studying/creating treatments for endo.

And fyi: If you have a period that is so painful that you can't stand up, or have to go home from school/work, or vomit, or anything else debilitating (or if any of those things apply if you forget to take pain meds), that is NOT NORMAL, and you should talk to a competent gynecologist asap.