emstheshortone

[emstheshortone]

These are awesome, I'll have to get around to get some.

I feel like they'd complete me, but also expose me. People in my life might have questions, which I'm not sure I wanna answer.

I didn’t realize you were the person who did the fanfiction tag drinks.

ahah yeah that's meeee!!

They are all available as stickers on my RedBubble shop!

Also I did Part 2!

[emstheshortone]

Does anyone else miss the time this still said, "Proceed" instead of "Yes, Continue"

Or just me?

[emstheshortone]

I'm crying from laughter. This made my day.

Listen... All I know is that the kids I babysit were singing that one Gummy Bear song and next thing I knew my brain made a parody

[emstheshortone]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[emstheshortone]

So my older sister did something like this to me once. She texted me, "Can you come to my room real quick? It's important," and when I got there, she went."Can you turn my light off? " while laying in her bed 3 feet from the light switch.

This confirms that it is indeed peak sibling behaviour.

Jason: Cass and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard a text. Realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I got up and went to the kitchen to check it.

Jason: And it’s a text from her.

Jason: "Please bring the chips on your way back."

[emstheshortone]

Hi Carl

[emstheshortone]

I almost cried from laughter

Batcourt

Tim is sick of his family fighting, an occurrence which doesn’t always but enough times has nearly led to murder, that he devises a new method to deal with them and their petty (or serious, but usually petty) arguments: Batcourt

The first ever batcourt trial was to mediate an argument between Dick and Bruce, bc when Tim became Robin they were on the outs; Dick had moved out and was rebelling against his dad. They barely talked to each other, and when they did it was to argue.

Tim, being in the middle of all that, finally snaps and basically strong arms them into a impromptu “court session”, bc if they can’t be civil with each other in conversation they maybe they can at least be professional in this Thought Exercise.

He appoints Alfred as the unbiased jury, and then demands that both Bruce and Dick take five minutes to compile their cases against each other to present to the judge (Tim).

Both Bruce and Dick are incredibly unamused, but Tim has Alfred’s support, so they reluctantly go along with the charade. And…

It’s actually surprisingly effective.

The argument is hashed out without anyone coming to blows or a screaming match. They are all very mature about it and the argument is settled with both parties, if not happy, then mollified that they actually got to speak their parts and come to a conclusion that wasn’t unfair.

Alfred is very pleased with the results of the first batcourt trial, and give his blessing for this method to be used in the future.

And so it is. Tim is typically the Judge, as he is the mastermind behind the method and typically stays out of all arguments as much as he can, and is known to everyone to be extremely impartial when the others argue about anything. So 9 times out of 10, Tim’s judge, and uses a generating software program he developed and installed on his gauntlet (and civvy watch) to choose a jury to preside over a trial when one of the family members opens a case against someone else.

This eventually becomes just how the family resolves disputes.

If an argument comes forth and is starting to get too heated, whoever declares that they’d ‘like to submit a case to the batcourt’ is by default the prosecution, leaving the other party as defendant (these are just terms, this isn’t actually a court of law, this is just a method of resolving arguments, so both sides are heard). At this point, everyone usually turns to Tim, who appoints a jury and then tells the pros and def that they have five minute to compile and submit their evidence to the court.

It’s all very official, and the Rules of Batcourt is that everyone has to remain absolutely professional as if this were a real court case. This is to ensure nobody breaks the exercise, otherwise it won’t work.

Anyway it’s VERY effective, and is used for years in private.

Until a pair of them have an argument in the middle of an op in public and it’s getting in the way of taking out the villain…. So someone declares that they’d like to submit a case to the batcourt.

Of course any non-bat present is like “the what”

But all the bats present, being so used to using the batcourt method to hash out disagreements, automatically turn to Tim (in the insert fanfic I was daydreaming this up for, he isn’t Robin but called Shrike, but O digress).

Anyway, Tim, by habit, immediately runs the jury program and appoints Spoiler and Black Bat as jury (the argument was between Red Hood and Nightwing, with Red Hood submitting the case and therefore the prosecution).

The rogue they were fighting (let’s choose a nicer one, Riddler maybe) is so confused at this point that they kind of stop in the middle of their scheme just to watch the the fuck is going on.

The bystander civilians and any reporters are also like “???” And so basically they all get to watch the first ever public batcourt trial.

(The jury ends up voting in favor of Red Hood, so Tim declares that Nightwing is Guilty “by the power vested in my by the Batclan” and Nightwing is sentenced to Apologizing to Red Hood - since the argument started because Nightwing wouldn’t get the fuck out of RH’s way and he kept almost shooting him lmao, it just went downhill from there. Brothers amirite.)

Anyway the video goes viral immediately, the Gotham internet going insane over the concept of how the vigilantes apparently resolve their arguments.

The riddler is so fascinated by what he just witnessed that he just accepts being taken back to jail for the meantime to mull things over (I love Eddie)

Now that the bat is out of the bag (lol), so to speak, the Batclan submits cases to batcourt in public a few more times without thinking, and the public is very excited every time. Every case and verdict shows up in the next day’s paper, and it’s a Gotham Highlight. People love it.

And then it escapes containment. Because one day a rogue loudly declares that they would like to submit a case to the batcourt. Against Batman.

The present Batclan members all look at each other, and then to Tim, who is already running the jury appointment program without even thinking. It ends up choosing Riddler (who was also there) along with two civilians and a bat (Robin).

Tim blinks, then shrugs, and lets it happen.

So starts the Batcourt trial of the decade: Batman V Poison Ivy.

And Batman loses.

Ivy still goes to jail afterwards, being a criminal and all, but she does so victoriously. She has mad street cred after this. The public goes WILD.

Anyway what I am saying is that batcourt is a highly respected court of dispute in Gotham. The majority of trials are conducted between Batclan members, but there are rogues who have won (and lost) trials in batcourt, and even one very infamous instant where the GCPD submitted a case against Red Hood and subsequently lost when the mostly civilian jury declared him Innocent.

The police force having to then apologize to Red Hood made headlines so big that they broke Gotham City containment and made it into the outside world.

Which leads to the next famous batcourt case: Superman V Batman.

I have been thinking about this concept for weeks and it’s definitely going to be a running gag in all my batfam fics forever

Also we get to have this fun interaction

“Batcourt is now in session”

Batman: please don’t call it that

Tim: ahem

Batman, sighing: objection

Every single one of his kids, pointing at him like in ace attorney: overruled

[emstheshortone]

I love this,

I would read the Fuck out of this,

I would (metaphorically) die for this.

and another thing. I just had a thought of Tim being captured by whoever, really. honestly, the circumstances are not important.

i had a thought of Tim in danger, and he shouts for Jason. not Hood, Jason. And he knows he can use Jason’s name because when he gets here, all these people are fucking dead.

and i’m just picturing Bruce being on his way to help Tim, and all he can hear is Tim screaming for Jason. He’s about to drop down and take care of business, and then shots ring out.

bang. bang. bang.

he looks again and all three kidnappers are dead, Tim is untied, and Jason is holding Tim to his chest. “It’s okay,” He mutters, “I’m here. I gotcha.”

Tim would never dream of outing Bruce or Dick, or even Damian. There’d be someone around to hear it.

But Jason? When Tim is in danger, Jason never leaves survivors.

[emstheshortone]

So I just went with my buddy while he got a rib tattoo, and they hurt like a lot, so he’s over there grimacing and being a huge manbaby so I just reach over and grab his hand so he can squeeze it because I’m a good person who helps others

And he’s clinging to my hand like it’s a life preserver and I’m being me and talking about nonsense like Grimace from the McDonalds commercials and how R2D2 is always ready to throw hands, and whatever, and the artist keeps glancing over at me and I’m like do your tattoo bro I’ve got my buddy handled

But then I realize he’s like, looking over because he can’t tell if he’s seeing something or not, and I glance down and I see my rainbow scalemail bracelet, and how I’m talking to my buddy all fondly and I’m like stroking his arm like he’s a wounded animal, and right as it clicks in my head the tattoo artist asks in his most nonchalant voice possible, like intentionally bland, I’m just talking about the weather haha what do you mean voice:

“So, are you guys close?”

And my gay ass is over to the side internally screaming because yeah, I am gay, but like this is just me being a good bro and my buddy is COMPLETELY OBLVIOUS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE HE’S A GARBAGE STRAIGHT PERSON AND HE SAYS

“Yeah of course, that’s why I asked him to come”

SO NOW THE TATTOO ARTIST THINKS HE’S RIGHT AND HE HAS A GAY COUPLE GETTING A TATTOO AND MY BUDDY HAS NO IDEA AND I’M AWKWARDLY SITTING HERE LIKE SHOULD I STOP HOLDING HIS HAND??? SHOULD I CORRECT THIS TATTOO ARTIST??? SHOULD I LET MY BUDDY KNOW??? MY GAY ASS DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BEING INCORRECTLY ACCUSED OF BEING GAY, WHAT DO YOU DO

So that tattoo artist is like “Cool man, that’s great. Good for you.”

So then my buddy is like can I get some water, and the guy comes back with one bottle of water and my buddy takes a drink and then hands it to me, and I’m like obviously he has to lay down and needs me to hold his water so I just hold it in my hand, but turns out he was offering me water, so he turns to me and is like Colton, drink some water, and I take a drink and my garbage lizard brain is like “You’re drink sharing in front of the tattoo artist, now he KNOWS he’s right”

So we’re talking about tattoos with the artist and I mention that I’m getting a tattoo in September and my buddy is like “Yeah I’m gonna go and hold HIS hand for that one haha” and the tattoo artist FUCKING SAYS “I mean, I should hope so”

I MEAN, I SHOULD HOPE SO

I MEAN, I SHOULD HOPE SO

AND NO ONE ACTUALLY BROUGHT IT UP. I KNEW WHAT THE TATTOO ARTIST WAS THINKING BUT DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO CORRECT HIM. NOW WHEN MY BUDDY GOES BACK AND GETS HIS NEXT TATTOO IN THE FUTURE AND I’M NOT THERE HE’S GOING TO GO “OH WHERE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND”

[emstheshortone]

Dick Grayson is Bruce Wayne’s ward and Robin is Batmans son, there is no argument from either party. They get no say. Its just how it is. JL members have also dubbed him as Batmans feral gremlin demon thing and Batman the Devil himself who crafted Robin using his own soul. Robin cackled madly after hearing that. Batman laughed and the JL is extremely concerned and afraid now. Nightwing is Batman’s son and partner and he is Bruce Wayne’s most common rescuer, even though his main territory is in Blud. 

Jason Todd is Bruce Wayne's son and Robin is Batmans son, and both very much adore this title and treasure it. Red Hood is not Batman’s son, but he is Bruce Wayne’s. 

Tim Drake is Bruce Wayne’s emotional support child and child. Not son, his child. Robin is Batmans loyal partner and Batman is his father figure and mentor. Red Robin is Batman’s son. Drake has been disowned from the family and does not exist. 

Stephanie Brown is not Bruce Wayne’s child. She steals his food and his money and his children on occasion but she does not really belong to him. Try telling him that though and you've got another thing coming. Robin is Batman’s greatest  annoyance and she wears that as a fucking badge of honor. Batgirl is actually Batman's nemesis but not in like a Joker kind of way, more in a 'she steals things from his utility belt just before he tries to pull it out or drops encouraging notes on his patrol and also hacks his comms to play the same song over and over again' kind of way. Batman has been heard screaming her name like a curse on many occassions. Spoiler is Batman’s even greater annoyance and on occasion she allows herself to be his daughter. Batman does not get to decide these terms. 

Barbara Gordon is not Bruce Wayne’s daughter. He is her weird uncle who she also considers her mother and her step father who she also sees as her protector on the rare occasion she actually needs it but for the most part hes just the divorced father who shows up at her house sometimes asking for visiting rights. (sometimes she says yes) Batgirl is Batman’s loyal partner and confident and technically his daughter in law but she doesn't like that descriptor, but he is her mentor. Oracle is Batman’s stalker and ass kicker if he doesn't take care of himself. 

Cassandra Cain is Bruce Wayne's daughter through thick and thin and neither of them really get a say. Batgirl is Batman’s daughter and no one dares argue it. Orphan too. And Black Bat.

Damian Wayne is Bruce Wayne’s undisputed son, and Robin is Batman’s undisputed son as well (though heir is another matter.)

Duke Thomas is Bruce Wayne’s legally guarded(bruce is his legal guardian). The Signal doesn't associate with the Batman at all, but some consider him Batman’s mentee, and many would even argue Batman is very serious in his mentor/father figure role, seen on many occasions forcing a granola bar or hug onto the younger

All in all, every single child, adopted or not, it is very clear to every outsider, that they forced themselves into Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life and routine and while both males are vastly different, they clearly share the utter confusion about being parents, and whether they even are or not, because they don't get a say.

[emstheshortone]

I give you

Bruce seeing his kids friends, and going

'This child is approximately the right age and height as my children, so they must be one of mine'

and just treats them like their his kids, grounding them, calling them chum and sweetheart and everything.

❌ Bruce hating his kids' friends

✅ Bruce forgetting his kids' friends

[emstheshortone]

Bruce keeping a tighter and tighter lid on his identity around the Justice League because with each new person to reveal their identity he realizes that he has fucked far too high a percentage of his co workers as Bruce Wayne and he has to take this secret to his grave

[emstheshortone]

I want this little piece of cinema with me for the rest of my life so that I can come back to it when I'm sad.

I came across this song again yesterday and figured I couldn't NOT do this...

Song: You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon

(In the actual lyrics it says "Betty" and "Al")

[emstheshortone]

i just got an idea 🤩 Tim Drake is a villain, but he's like Dr. Doofenshmirtz!

Batman: *caught in a Batman-sized trap*

Tim: Ah, Bruce Wayne the Batman! About time you arrived! Look at what I have created!

Tim: *shows his skateboard contraption* TAH-DAH! I call this "The Red-Board 3000!" It took me 3000 tries to finally create a successful one. It runs on Joker Gas, and goes about as fast as Mach 4!

Bruce: Hrn.

Tim: Tsk-tsk-tsk, Bruce Wayne the Batman. You must be wondering why I made this. Well, it all started when I was 5 years old. My parents left me alone in a jungle and forgot about me.

DO YOU SEE MY VISION?!?!?

I do!!!!!

Might I add:

Tim becomes a villain because someone told him he needed therapy. He didn't really like that idea until he saw the Riddler monologuing to Batman about his bullies. That, unfortunately for everyone else, inspired Tim.

Sitting down and talking to a stranger who is also required to report child abuse? Nah. His parents aren't great, but he likes the freedom and doesn't want to end up in Gotham's CPS.

So, Tim "goes to therapy" every other week, or traps ones of the Bats and vents about his life to them. It's perfect for him.

He spends about a week setting up his schemes, outfits, lighting, and therapy plan. Then, he lures one of the Bats into the designated place. His favorite is Batman.

He loves watching their faces constantly switch between annoyed and concerned. Tim, who has a secret villain identity, is obviously a child. He's spouting true (but untraceable) facts about his life that are concerning as fuck. Bruce is going out of his mind trying to capture Tim to get him some real help.

The one aspect Tim always ensures he has is the ability to get away. He'll give the Bats a way to foil his plots and disappear while they do so.

So, Tim enjoys coming up with very real but ridiculous ways to destroy/take over the world and threatening the Bats with it. Could Tim actually succeed as a villain? Yes. However, that would make him a higher priority to capture. That's also not the reason he's does any of it either.

Now... does he get along with Riddler? Debatable. On one hand, they both have traps and stuff. They could bond and help each other (or test each other). On the other hand, Riddler might see Tim as competition or that Tim is making fun of him.

Catwoman likes Tim, though.

[emstheshortone]

babes HOW is Jason Todd a comfort character

[emstheshortone]

If this isn't the most accurate way to describe a Fandom, I don't know what is.

[emstheshortone]

I will now live by this Hc, and nothing and no one can change this.

I have been convinced that this is what Hoods goons are like, but I would like to petition that the same thing happens with the other rouges as well when they don't wear their signature outfits.

Red Hood’s all about keeping his secret identity from almost everyone, right?

He’s going to all his meetings with the hood on and never lets any of his ‘business partners’ or goons or allies unrelated to the bats see his face, right???

He either gains enough trust or completely forgets to put it on as he walks in on his goons, his gang, if you will.

They all just kinda side eye this kid who just walked in and started ordering around until one of them finally speak up questioning this kids existence and whatnot. Hood whips around to yell at them for their insubordination but goes to run his hands through his hair or something and is genuinely surprised when his fingers DO go through his hair. So he just walks out of the room in a huff until he walks back in and says the exact thing. All the goons immediately burst into action and don’t question the kid who walked in and said the exact same thing moments ago…

In another instance he forgets his hood under his arm and starts addressing everyone but this time they react a bit more aggressively. This time he just sighs and puts the hood on his head. It’s an instant reaction but Doofenshmertz style, “a kid with a hood giving us orders?” To, “Red Hood giving us orders!”

Tim sees it this time and never lets him live it down, periodically calling him Perry the Platypus.