#batsiblings

[incorrectbatfam]

Each kid has a different sweatshirt from a college that Bruce dropped out of send tweet

[shyjusticewarrior]

Jason acting like he wouldn't say shit like that

[razzledazzle0]

2 dollars

Tim: the first time I met Jason he gave me 2 dollars, he didn't have to do it, no one asked him to do it

Jason:..I thought he was homeless

[tired-smartass]

Inside you there are two wolves:

[daydreamerconnoisseur]

Few days until the Wayne cousins have to attend their crazy cousin's grandson's Bar (not bat) Mitzvah, but they do not want to be the only members of Martha's family to attend, so they call someone who might go

Beth Kane, formally Alice and receptionist at the sanitarium she was a patient at, laughs erratically on the phone for a solid two minutes.

Bruce and Kate, sharing the same amount of annoyance, wait for her to finish. Kate turns to Bruce, her left eyebrow raised and she points at her phone.

Kate: Thanks for the suggestion on asking if she wants to join us.

Bruce shrugs.

Bruce: How was I supposed to know she'd laugh like the Joker? I don't focus on to that side of the family! For good reason.

Kate rolls her eyes and returns to the call.

Kate: You done, sis?

Beth: Yes, I'm done. Whew, I thought I was the traumatized comedian, but you are funny as well. You want me to go to crazy cuzzo's ANYTHING. I wouldn't go to her house if she paid me. Her funeral though, invite me. I can wear a nice red dress.

Kate: Can't you leave the sanitarium for this one-

Beth: Hahahaha! No! Linda will pester me about my criminal past and that makes me have insane people thoughts and you do not want me to repeat what I did to Bruce to her at that lake.

Bruce, alarmed: What?

Kate: She... May have pushed you into the lake when were children.

Bruce: She fucking what?!

Kate and Beth: We were kids, get over it!

Bruce, angry: Maybe she shouldn't go with us!

Beth: Good looking out rich cuzzo! Can you send me another grand, by the way? I got some vacation plans and I need some extra spending money!

Bruce: ...

Kate: Stop brooding and send her something.

Bruce: For fucks sake-

Bruce grabs his phone and sends Beth money.

Beth: Aww thanks. On a serious note, I would attend with you guys. I know how Lenny can get with his insane conspiracy theories and I can silence him without the lake, but I have an anniversary date with my fiance.

Beth in a cutesy girl voice: So sorry. Don't be mad at me. Okay?

Kate sighs.

Kate: I'm not, I get it. Wish us luck.

Beth: Of course, I'll even pray to... Somebody. Have fun you two and remember... the lake.

Kate: Yeah bye.

Beth (singing): Byeeee!

Kate ends the call.

Kate: Call her, she'll say yes, you guys are actually siblings. That's what you said.

Kate glares at Bruce.

Bruce: I didn't say it exactly like that.

Kate: Do you get why I couldn't call her though and why I usually go alone?

Bruce: I do, but I'm glad Beth is doing better mentally.

Kate: Thankfully. They have good doctors there, but hiring her as a receptionist was surprising.

Bruce: I sent in a recommendation.

Kate: You... You did that? I thought she falsified your signature.

Bruce: No. I wanted to help her.

Bruce pauses mulling over Kate's words.

Bruce: How many times have you both been forging my signature?

Kate: You remember I needed that yacht for a art house party? Yeah that.

Kate puts her hand up to ignore her cousin's rant.

Kate: They needed a benefactor's name and they wouldn't take mine don't worry I paid for it that time.

Bruce: That time?!

[vespertilionis]

Dick: “Hey, Jason—Where did all this money come from?”

Jason: “From B.”

Dick: “He gave it to you? For what? Did you blackmail him?”

Jason: “No, he paid me, in exchange for very important pictures.”

Dick: “Oh, you got evidence for the case?”

Jason: “No, Damian’s baby pictures.”

Dick: “…How much?”

[vodrae]

Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?

Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.

[dragonpyre]

Do the bat's know about the All-Blades? Cuz if not, Jason has an opportunity to do the funniest thing

Commission info / ko-fi

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

The only time when all the batkids will work together in perfect harmony is to prank Bruce.

And for the best prank all they needed was a few label makers.

Labels are put on everything.

On every mug, on every plate, on every bandaid package.

The chocolate bars are labeled "BatSnack".

The fruits become "Batana", "Batricot" and "Batermelon".

Every button on the microwave, every key on the keyboard, it all gets a label.

"Batstop button", "Batstart button", "Bat-A-key", Bat-Enter-key".

Bruce's desk isn't simply the "Batdesk". It is the "Batwood construction surface".

There is a label beneath the desk too.

Originally named "underside of Batwood construction surface".

It takes days, weeks, months to remove all the labels.

Until one day, when Bruce makes a few new installations in the cave.

Surely some higher being is laughing at him right now, Bruce thinks, as he pulls of the last one.

"Batceiling"

[were-wolverine]

dick grayson (5’10” with the body of a gymnast): this is my baby brother!

jason todd (6’3” brick wall of muscle): …hi

***

cass wayne (5’5” with the body of a dancer): little brother!

jason (almost a whole foot taller than her): hiya cass

[incorrectbatfam]

[in the car]

Damian: Aww.

Selina: What's wrong?

Damian: It's gone.

Selina: What is?

Damian: My tarantula.

Bruce: *tenses up*

Selina: Okay, was it in the jar when we left the house?

Damian: Well yeah, I was just feeding it.

Bruce, paralyzed with fear: Selina, find the spider.

Selina: Bruce, I'm trying.

Bruce: Selina.

Selina: Don't stress me, sweetie. Where were you feeding it?

Damian: On the seat.

Bruce: I have a phobia of spiders, you know this!

Selina: Bruce, just calm down.

Bruce: Oh God, oh man...

Selina: Look under your seat, look under your dad's seat.

Damian: I did, it's not there.

Selina: Sweetie, does it have a name? Can we call it?

Bruce: Oh God.

Damian: Fred.

Selina: Fred? Okay. Fred?! Come here, Fred!

Bruce: OH GOD, OH MAN!

[later at school]

Damian: ... Which is how I was able to bring him here to show everyone today.

Damian: *holds up empty jar*

Damian: Aww.

[shyjusticewarrior]

Jason is an "I'd kill for you" person stuck in a "live for me" family.

[razzledazzle0]

fun

Dick: people don't make fun of me

Jason: to your face?

Dick:..WhAt?

[incorrect-waynemanor]

dick: so, i got banned from jason’s safehouse because i’m apparently a “liability” and “reckless” and “dick”

dick: that last one’s just my name, but you should hear it the way jason says it

[firerose18991]

Literally anyone meeting bruce and his family for the first time: So how did you get so many kids by 30?

Dick: HE WAS A TEENAGE DELINQUENT

Jason: *shouting over him* HE LEFT MY MOTHER AT THE ALTAR

*tim is sitting, just happy to be included*

Bruce: BE-quiet.  They're ADOPTED!

Jason: *not a beat missed* Because he’s never known the touch of a woman.

[vespertilionis]

Bruce walks down to the batcave to see the batkids huddled around a betrayed-looking Jason, holding their phones up to the batsymbol on his chest.

Bruce: “What… are you doing?”

Tim, grinning: “Charging our phones.”

Jason, simultaneously: “Being little assholes.”