everything-here-is-incorrect

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Y/N: you were raised from the dead

Y/N: like a zombie

Y/N: and an orphan

Y/N: so...

Tom: no

Y/N: you’re like a mummy-

Tom: Y/N, STOP!

Y/N: who’s got-

Tom: NO!

Y/N: no mommy

Tom: (pushes Y/N out of a driving car)

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Ron: must be hard no being able to laugh

Y/N: why? I can laugh

Ron: really? I’ve never heard you laugh...

Y/N: well, I’ve never heard you say anything funny...

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Scott, seeing Y/N hurt: oh you poor thing!

Y/N: don’t bring my financial status into this

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Peter: look, I was a pretty handsome fella when I was young

Peter: you saw me as a young werewolf

Peter: right, Lydia?

Lydia:

Stiles: it’s hard to imagine you as a young werewolf

Peter: well, I-

Y/N: -or young anything...

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Peter: I once had a haircut I deeply regretted

Y/N: is it the one you have now?

Peter: no

Y/N:

Y/N: well, it should be...

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Jan Van Eck: I have your friend Jesper

Y/N: can I talk to him?

Jan Van Eck: sure

Y/N:

Jesper:

Y/N: dumbass

Y/N: (hangs up)

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Y/N: you may be right-

Kaz: as we both know, I always am

Y/N: but this time I cannot do as you say-

Kaz: as we both know, you never do

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Y/N: when I feel sad, I just... stop being sad and go back to being myself

Scott: please

Scott: when are you ever sad?

Y/N: well, Theo got almost killed yesterday

Y/N: I was sad I wasn’t there to witness it...

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Kaz: I’m not sure you’re a stakeout material

Y/N: I’m an insomniac

Y/N: I was born to do this

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Derek: do I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend today?

Y/N: well, since you ate the last slice of pizza, I’d say you have an enemy...

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Tom: in order to become immortal, I had to drain and then drink my own blood

Y/N: big fucking deal

Y/N: I worked in Fred and George’s shop in summer

Y/N: so not only I’ve been through hell, I was assistant manager there

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McGonagall: so, is there something you three wanna say?

George: we feel really bad

Fred: never shall we levitate Malfoy to the top of the Christmas tree again

McGonagall:

Y/N: today

Y/N: never shall we levitate Malfoy to the top of the Christmas tree again today

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Y/N: I touch myself when I think of both of you

Fred:

George: what?

Y/N: yeah

Y/N: I aggressively rub my temples because you’re so FUCKING loud!

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at the Hale family dinner table:

Peter: can you pass the salt?

Y/N: can you pass away?

Peter, coughing: too much salt

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Stiles: how are you?

Y/N: actually, I’m in a very bad place

Stiles:

Stiles: what happened?

Y/N: oh, nothing

Y/N: I’m just standing next to Theo right now

[everything-here-is-incorrect]

Y/N: okay, so here’s some friendly advice-

Theo: I don’t want your advice

Y/N:

Y/N: alright then, some unfriendly advice-

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Y/N: you’re my best friend

Y/N: I would do absolutely everything for you

Pansy:

Pansy: eat three meals a day and sleep at least seven hours every night

Y/N:

Y/N: fuck you