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Stressful day

Hey guys Moni here. I know it’s been a bit since I’ve posted, not that I haven’t had stuff to talk about, but typing sucks on my phone. I hope to get my laptop back Tuesday so I can be a bit more active.

My eating has been kinda shit and scarce but I’ve been retaining water. That makes me wanna starve more but I’m hoping to push through it. I know it water and I can feet that it’s water but my crazy self is like “nah fam its fat dont eat” *sigh*. My sleeping was good today thankfully but I’m having trouble sleeping tonight. After this I want to try again so I can begin to have a normal life.

But with that out of the way time for the meat. I think in the last post I mentioned that I’m in a long distance relationship. I have been on and off for a few months and right now things are as good as theyve ever been. We talk everyday and video call most days. He plays the guitar for me and gives me a lot of support which I’m not used. I recently got a job and while my parents couldn’t care less, he was overjoyed and told me how proud he was of me. Were not in any kind of daddy kink relationship thing. But he does give me a lot of support and affection and tells me how cute I am and when he’s proud of me. Keep in mind he’s a bit older so that might be where it comes from.

Amyways he was planning on going out with his friend whos a well known youtuber (wont say who for privacy) and abunch of people were going for drinks. Including a girl whos not to fond of me. So I’m trying not to panic because I panic easy but it’s fine. He gives me a gm snap and I tell him to have fun. Throughout the day I get snaps of him and the girl, i want to stress notuing sexual or affectionate. Just pictures together. This made me nervous. She’s not pretty than me by any means but she is closer. Figuratively and literally.

So i’m freaking out with a mutual friend all the while the girl whos with him is hyping me up about who close friends they ate. As I’m on the brink of tears he gets home and tells me to call him quickly. I’m svared thinking “oh no something did happen between them fuck”.

Something happened, but not between them. Daddy is piss drunk and tells me he tried to fight an Uber. I question him about the pictures and he gives me a reasonable answer. He wants to avoid drama with her to he just went although and acted diplomatic. There was nothing more than a quick hug which the girl made into a huge thing when she was hyping up.

Still I was nervous, I wasnt saying anything but I guess it was in my voice. He says that “I would never take her over you no way, i want nothing to do with her sexually” which made me feel better. Infact the fact that he said this ppiss drunk made it better. It’s very hard to lie while drunk and he said it deadpan serious look on his face.

But he ended up playing guitar for me fir awhile until finally (THANK GOD) he went to bed. I’m proud of myself fir not outwright accusing him. If i had less grip on my bpd I probably would have. But it shows I’ve made progress. I was a stressful afternoon but I feel honored that the first thing he wanted to do when he got home was call me. Anyways that’s all I have to talk about. Nigh nigh guys!~

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Hey, I guess I’ll introduce myself

My name is Moni, I have a few nicknames but that’s the one I prefer going by. Even though it was given to me by an old fuck buddy, there’s something oddly innocent about it. Everyone pronounces it wrong but, on an edgy philosophical level, I kinda like that. It’s kinda representative of how everyone has a different inteprutation of me. Some are right, some are almost correct and some are wrong you know.

Honestly I don’t blame people for getting a negative or wrong impression from me. Like I say a lot I am crazy and my sympotoms become more apparent at times. For those who don’t know I have borderline personality disorder. There’s other possible stuff like PTSD, and EDNOS but without any diagnosis it’s tough to say. I display sympotoms but I’m not sure if it’s real or all in my head. Pun intended.

I come from a pretty diverse family background. Both my parents are half black but there other half on each side is a different race. Hence my odd appearance. I have a few siblings and due to my current life situation I live at home.

For my years I’ve struggled with BPD and other symptoms and only recently have I gotten a grasp on them however I have flare ups. Recently after temporarily splitting from my partner I had a drug relapse that I’m still recovering from now.

Currently I’m in a good place and my partner is giving me a lot of needed support which I’m greatful for. Life isn’t great right now but the pieces for it to be are in place so I just need to put them together. I’ll do a diary blog another time but I just wanted to bang out this introduction. See ya later!~

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                no matter what you look like, remember that you’re beautiful :+)