facelessbitchmage

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sad but true

i’m so used to having my ideas dismissed or glossed over by males in political settings that when men aren’t hypercritical of me or take the time to fully consider what i put forward i wonder if they have an ulterior motive. 

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i’d like to call a moratorium on the so-called self-deprecating humor of marxists who make fun of other marxists for doing anything online. we get it, you’re very original for noting how there are a lot of marxists online who post a lot like you do, online. only you realize that you’re doing this online and making note of it, online, which puts you above the other marxists online who do not make these observations. in all seriousness, this is really representative of just the top layer of a very smelly onion that few want to peel back. making fun of others in a state of desperation and alienation helps pass the time and can make one feel less uncomfortable in a widening social reality of fascist barbarism that is finally catching up with the fascist economic state that has operated more covertly for the last 70 years. it can’t hold forever, and all these jokes won’t make it go away. they are in fact the things COINTELPRO is made of, a way to keep political knowledge and education static while policing others for stepping out of line and taking “the online” too seriously. it’s a problem that’s existed for a while, but it’s intensified in the last decade as more politically active dissenters have been forced online as a last resort. and then we have an entire political and pundit class telling us that no one really making any difference can do it online while they work to own it completely, or at least speak for the owners. you can’t even critique any of these verified accounts that act as ideological police without getting flagged these days, so why in the hell would you break your own virtual legs in what is still within the socialized realm of “the online”, what is yet to be completely monetized, by doing this? don’t. it’s a trap!

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whenever i see Mark Zuckerberg’s ugly mug, i think of a relation of mine whom i went ballistic on years ago after he told me “Zuckerberg just had this idea, man”. now this person is an infamous mooch, and frankly i don’t care about others’ work ethics or whatever, but he’s made a career of it and fleeces people, people who are no better off than him from birth who’ve worked all their lives, robs them of their possessions from right under their noses. and he had the nerve to tell me that this guy who represents the team that will eventually own the internet entirely if they’re not stopped just came from nowhere with nothing to think up Facebook. i almost went blind with rage that night. 

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anecdote about a so-called marxist & washing dishes

this person had made some credible claims and worthwhile analysis, but they also engaged in this lecturing about what’s best for “us” when i was never sure what “us” they were referring to. anyway i finally knew they were full of shit when they treated freaking dishwashers as somehow taking away from the joy of labor or working or something really silly. “who uses one regularly? i would feel kinda guilty” or something close. um. why in the hell? is there some great tradition of hand washing dishes i’ve missed out on? and what about in the service industry workplace where hand washing would be useless with the volume of dishes that need to be done hourly? it made no sense and all i could do was laugh. it’s actually pretty difficult to be more efficient hand washing with regard to water use over a machine, especially the newer ones. you can do a lot more dishes in a lot less time not to mention with a lot less LABOR. whatever. maybe they should begin their own dishwasher’s united guild and preach the good word.

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glad to be estranged

i try not to post too much personal info, but this topic has been gnawing at me. partly because some responsibility or “inspiration” was wrongly imputed to me, and i continue to be a pariah amongst a group of people who happen to be the closest to my gene pool for simply living my life as i see fit within my realm of possibility.

i have been observing my cousin who left her children at tender ages try to tell her eldest daughter what to read, how to plan her life in the shallowest sense, by facebooking demands dressed up as motherly concerns. granted, men are just as capable of taking care of their children as women are, and their father certainly stepped up to the plate, but this particular abandonment was sudden, confusing, and more permanent than i initially thought. after she made a rare visit to me years ago, i somehow became her inspiration in a manic state she didn’t recognize as such. being manic myself with albeit some greater amount of control over it, i cooly tried to brush this off. however she claimed my not-putting-up-with-shit-from-men was inspiration for her seemingly sudden change of heart that manifested itself in leaving her marriage of 15 some odd years and three children. in one flash after a night of honky tonking, she found a boytoy she pretended to try to hook me up with, as if i was interested in the first place which i certainly was not, and made this life altering decision. mere weeks after the fact, she had driven across the country with another toy who ended up ruining her vehicle and conning her out of thousands of dollars from her divorce settlement. i started out sympathetic. i had no idea of her situation, who was i to judge? she married young and knew only that life for so long (although it was quite comfortable materially). i stuck up for her to other family who placed all the blame on her. i won’t go into her background for obvious reasons, but imagine the worst combination of things that could happen to a child that yet leaves them alive and breathing in the aftermath and you can get some idea. the other family have not viewed these damaging episodes as causation for the symptoms and ripples that continue today. so my heart went out to her. she is seven or eight years my senior, but even when we were young i found myself acting as her counselor while she was continually subjected to terrible situations. i was probably 12 when this started. however since my egg donor had begun treating me as a mini adult by the age of nine by explaining her marital woes to me, i was already at sophomore level in such affairs.

in the following years, i was on the receiving end of her passive aggressiveness for having any material possessions, even. “oh how i wish i had that much to spend” “oh now i wish i had that time” “oh how i wish i had received that gift”. having received similar treatment from a female sibling, it’s made me want to scream, however callous it may come across, “well i apologize to you for not choosing to have a brood of children by 35, what do you want me to do?” i know this is a #problematic attitude for a number of reasons, in the great scheme of things. on the personal level while trying to maintain connections with women who have encountered similar struggles and understanding that this whole society thing actually exists but not receiving the same good faith in return, it feels good to say, and there is some truth in it. i did not make similar choices about things i could control. they were not always better choices, but they were mine and this is my life, i’m not blaming you for anything so please god why do you want to displace this onto me. why? if there are things to work on, do it, and don’t pass it off on others. now i see this frustration passed onto her daughter, and i feel sorry for the girl. she is just a teenager and has been inundated with all these faux good intentions from narcissistic family members who find it within themselves to simultaneously demonize her mother in isolation and pressure and manipulate her into accepting their ideas of “forgiveness” of the same woman who abandoned her while nothing of significance is addressed with regard to her own mental soundness and well being.

well here i was ruminating on that, and i thought, self, what would these genetic relatives think of my concerns? it would be me being too this or that, i can promise you that. details are not important, just the facade of a coherent unit for undefined, unspecified reasons. now had i continued in my counselor, “peacemaker” role for this unit, i would have received countless gossipy, sniping messages back and forth with expectations of sorting everything out for egotistical purposes. this is pretty typical, and we all do it from time to time. but along with that, thanks to the wonderful world of social media, i would still be subject to the facebook front of what they want people to see. and i would have to continue to grin and bear it for the purposes of maintaining the facade.  i am estranged from some for years now, and i’m thankful for it. it was probably the best decision i’ve made in my life, to shed this dumb position i was assigned to without my consent while only a choice few have to act like adults who will reap what they sowed. it’s unfortunate for the younger ones, and i wish i could do more. years, actually, were robbed from me with complaints from people who wouldn’t let others live their lives without these same narcissistic overseers meddling as i fruitlessly worried and considered altering my life for while only getting part of the story. i can only do what i can do, and that has included looking how for how they will continue to develop in this society . “it is what it is”, “i yam what i yam”, as simplistic as that sounds. when you are given an impossible role in others’ development beyond your control, that also feels good to say.

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pain and memory

i woke up this morning with excruciating back pain from having too late a night and sleeping horribly. as i was writhing and stretching in attempts to lessen it, for some reason i thought back to around 13 years ago, when i was living and working nonstop in a small shitty suburb that was about 45 minutes from Kansas City, Kansas proper. it was a trash heap that once wasn’t but had been eviscerated by the installation of a Wal Mart. one reason i suppose is that i had experienced occupational back pain then at my younger age, too early for someone in their mid 20s but right on schedule for someone forced to move furniture on a shoestring budget working with minimal staff. i kind of freaked out about it all in my state of pain though -- did i go to that Wal Mart? i don’t remember it. how did i stock my house? where did i buy groceries? why can’t i remember these specifics? truth is i don’t recall how i kept my house stocked with regular items or keep it as clean as i did working 12 hour days. i didn’t buy groceries because i never had time to cook, and i ate horribly. weird what pain can do. when i moved to a different location and quit that job, i found similar work moving furniture for a while. i was worn the fuck out from it after a couple of months though and my body wouldn’t allow it so i just walked out from frustration one day and went to work in a hospital. now? i might take that work again and see if i can sort out fragmented memories from back then.

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thoughts on Carrie Fisher & mental illness

unfortunately i didn’t know that Fisher spoke out on mental illness until she died. this mode of milking dead celeb performers, often slaves in a sense more than is let on a la Prince’s face painting some years back, is something i’d rather not take part in at all. it props up and somewhat legitimizes the corporations that continue to profit off their images. in any case, i read some sort of mediocre quotes of hers HuffPo shared shortly after her death, and the cherry picked nature was by design i think, and of course it’s still shortly after but the speed at which this information moves has warped time. anyway. i want to look further into her work on bipolar disorder specifically. i wonder what meds she was on. i noticed she kind of had a way of pursing her lips in a lot of photos. i find myself doing this too -- having a bipolar diagnosis and needing to stay on a regular med routine to block out voices, stabilize my mood, tamp down mania (and more! lol) -- and i wonder if it’s a result of what else these meds are doing to me. i’m almost positive i have a form of mild dyskinesia; my old doc used to run me through physical tests to check for these movements, but it’s been years since i’ve had one done. ideally i’d like to come off them one day as i really don’t know what the long term effects could be, and idk that my doctors have known or do know either. it’s become a sort of security blanket, and they make it sound like a lifelong regimen. i was on and off for years for a variety of reasons, and now i ask myself, were things that bad when i was off? hard to tell these days. at least i can sleep.

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i’ve been thinking about writing longer on co-opted and infiltrated mass movement politics, but i’ll use occupy as an example for now. in the area i was at the time, it came at a time that co-opted truly organic organizing -- not as one bloc, but disparate progressive and left leaning groups that had been working for years without brand name recognition -- in various communities that i traveled for work and school. daily i cut a wide swathe across this certain part of the state (Kansas) in order to work, go to school, and organize and participate when i could, so i knew very well the dynamics in these different small communities. and it was bleak and has only gotten worse since Brownback has gotten into power. it was hard to paint an accurate picture for my fellow concerned radical net denizens of just how wasted this region was and for different reasons depending on the name of the ghettoized village. meth hollowed out communities after they had been depleted of any resources; in other places, apartheid was clearly evident with lines nearly painted down the middle of these small cities. now during the revered “general assemblies”, i was the freak disrupting the big tent dem operatives wanted to erect that included what is now the alt right who bellowed about the banksters and regularly invoked antisemitic and homophobic dogwhistles. the leaders of the leaderless movement checked my literature in case it was too socialist-y and instead of doing greater organizing to protest against our representatives giving away state surpluses to Brownback’s upcoming crew and cutting social services down to the bone, they got around 75 people to protest Bank of America after it had closed and made the news. while i didn’t make it to that one, i did show up to picket the office of our representative at the time. i was with three others. yet we held our signs, got approving honks from motorists, but no primetime coverage.

i find this an important example now for a couple of reasons that i can think of as i type this. one, because it is too late in Kansas, at least, to make use of this type of protest to try to preserve the public commons. occupy made sure of that and sucked out the opportunistic who made the news to place them in the dem machine. there are no public services for the poorest, and no “activists” still there care. they have their positions and can, for a little while longer at least, put the “symbolic” salve on their nonprofit efforts. i’ve posted on this for years, and while i understand the mechanics of capitalist state welfare, i found it much more important to try to bring attention to what was being taken away than sign on fully with this abstract anti-this-ism occupy inspired. 

two, as people are brought out now with this co-opting apparatus finely tuned to swoop in for US Spring 2010s, round two, it’s important to have goals before acting. Move On, Avaaz, etc, these vultures -- they have theirs. and further demoralizing the despairing who might not necessarily have clearly defined terms of just what they hoping to accomplish by “getting out there”, or acting for its own sake, is enough for them as they serve up more energy to their masters only to have it quashed and stymied. when i first saw people hinting at the anti-Trump protests turning into an all-out color revolution, i was skeptical. mostly because there are so many of those elements a la Gene Sharp regularly at work in “alternative” mass movement politics that the whole show didn’t seem necessary. i don’t know how to feel about it now; things are moving quite quickly. and that’s why it’s all the more necessary to have these thought out before becoming placated or burned out.

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When we talk about being fat-positive and we say, “weight is not an indication of health,” I will reblog it. But I want us to also say, “health is not an indication of value.”

I could be at any weight and I will never be healthy, because I am chronically ill. Someone might be chronically ill and fat, or they might be chronically ill and not fat, and it really doesn’t matter.

When you make it about health, you’re saying health is the pinnacle of human achievement, and you’re shitting on those of us for whom health will always be a pipe dream.

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‘Workers’ Power - international socialist biweekly’, International Socialists, Highland Park, Michigan, 1971.

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mass oleander poisoning

tw: suicide

i woke up wanting to listen to Nirvana which i haven’t done in a while. i don’t know anyone my age who didn’t listen to Nirvana. they were everywhere after a time and quite raw for being so popular. i remember really getting to liking them after seeing them perform on Saturday Night Live in the very early 90s before Cobain was quickly killed off. i wasn’t supposed to watch the show but i smuggled our tiny uhf/vhf television to my room, and it did seem like a watershed moment for people my age, however synthetic that may have been. 

what was marketed as grunge under this mantle turned into a mindset and a lifestyle of sorts for already disaffected young americans. i accept the work done into the conspiracy around Cobain’s death rather than his rather timely offing of himself. some researchers have looked into the spikes of suicides of young people after that, however i’m not sure how much is this is excited speculation or truly scientific. in any case the realism Cobain embodied was easily appropriated. i think his death was a staged spectacular and traumatic event to target and demoralize his fan base. i think this is comparable to what has been done with Miley Cyrus. she was a wholesome household product marketed as Hannah Montana turned into a drugged out whore caricature. there are many examples of using celebrity artists in this way. 

in my memory, the 90s seemed like a truly different time for music and its immediate availability to the fans on a large scale. however now that i’m on the east coast this doesn’t seem so anachronistic as there are talented acts that come through tiny bars, but the level of gentrification has allowed for these establishments to brand themselves as exclusive. additionally the removal and ignorance of more community based advertising for these concerts has been replaced by the internet so it alienates and atomizes fans and people simply wanting to socialize at these events. 

i remember going to honky tonks in the midwest before i was the age of majority and seeing grunge acts that received national radio airtime. in a sort of ironic twist, after getting out of a Candlebox concert, my friend turned on a band called Oleander (with his CD player ofc haha) that i hadn’t heard of. he was a sharp guy and just winked at me before he played it. i freaked and said omg is this Kurt? we listened through and just sort of shrugged. a forgettable ruse.

today i compared Oleander and Nirvana. with the traumatizing effect in mind, how cheap does Oleander’s heavy-handed imitation sound? the lyrics are a slap in the face as well -- goldilocks bullshit that sounds like mockery compared to the depth Nirvana really did have before they became a mundane subject of “dad rock” to poke fun at in the internet age. doing so is a piece of social capital to flash in many online communities. we’re very much past that, having heroes and demigods set up by the same people who take joy in destroying them once the disaffected form affection for them.

https://youtu.be/1ewuKGRVEQM

https://youtu.be/vabnZ9-ex7o

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for some reason i don’t recall, i spent a fair amount of time at my grandmother’s house on my own and looking for ways to entertain myself. i never got the impression that either of my surviving grandparents wanted me around, so that’s the way it was around there. they had cable, at least, but even then i recall flipping with the “clicker” (that actually clicked in those days! lol) and being amazed by how little was really on. anyway. they weren’t religious people but one night when i was around 13 i found a tiny copy of the new testament. it looked like it was either passed out by a door knocker or it came from a hotel room. i read it all that night, an interesting story for a person around my age. there was a passage that always stuck with me and i was just thinking about it, so i looked up the subject matter, it’s Luke 23:29: “For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!'” my 13 year old self was like shit whoa really? that’s pretty explicit! anyway, that verse all day imo.

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Dr Phil and cases of “teenage lovers”

TW: pedophilia, rape

Dr Phil with a viewership of however many million claims he (sensationally) covers the topics he does for educational purposes. and speaking of education, a favored topic of the show is conventionally attractive female teachers and their male “lovers” (students, but he actually does pose it this way). i am working on a longer post that addresses the liberal complaint about how unfortunate it is that some people are “hard wired” “by nature” to be pedophiles and how thought terminating this premise is. in any case, my argumentation rests on the glaringly obvious fact that adults cannot form “sexual relationships” with minors or children. any thinking person will agree with my words of course, but western mass culture chips away at this so much that there are plenty of nicely paved avenues to travel down and use to explain away the exact definitions that should be present in an equitable society. acting on this compulsion manifests from a desire to dominate using sexuality to do so. a child does not have the capacity to consent to a relationship with an adult, and there is no room for ambiguity here. 

but the blurring of terms -- the shock troops that literally uncovered Miley Cyrus in recent years after she was heavily marketed to young girls for her “wholesome” image come to mind -- includes these sorts of seemingly innocent, flippantly phrased descriptors such as “teenage lovers” to demonstrate the “disturbing reality” of this phenomenon that is in reality a perennially marketed male fantasy. so in effect it’s a furtherance of this desire, and Dr Phil brings on the biggest idiots his team can find who in a way put on display how not to do it if you want to get away with it.

let me tell you how this operated in my small school growing up, and i don’t think this history is unique or set apart from the average american small town high school. i knew of two male teachers who statutorily raped girls starting from when we were sophomores. one slept with two girls. another was able to publicly confirm his “relationship” with one of my peers at the graduation party her parents hosted. there were two couples i knew of, one that was involved with the school board and the other both teachers at our school, who had “open relationships” with each other. the women in these heterosexual partnerships were openly flirtatious with male students. our biology teacher would be in a state of half undress during extracurricular activities around male students and paid more attention to them than any female students. it was a big orgy if you were part of the club in good graces with the small petty bourgeoisie of the town, and if you were able to maintain some amount of deniability, there were no worries about ever being the subject of trash talk television. 

the idiots who fall outside are local news story pariahs because of this. it may be unspoken or implicit when it happens, but the pattern is fairly predictable. perhaps with the attractive women who get caught with their hands down their students’ pants it’s a convenient cover with its primetime raciness. and it represents the larger power dynamic at work that is being normalized in greater strides as things like “false memories” become a thing of the past. everything old is made new again and we are taught to forget. 

but i truly believe this is a sweeping new normal the nonces at the top are pushing with their agenda, and they won’t stop until this abuse can be classified as relational. the unthinking liberals who can’t even pose a question their platitudes pretend to cover aid in this until nothing means anything, and anyone speaking about things being clearly and definitively right or wrong when it comes to the most vulnerable members of society will continually be silenced for shaming people’s biology or choices or diminishing the agency of victims or some other such bullshit. it already happens to the researchers who make the big connections between the powerful who trade in the bodies of young innocents. the average person doesn’t even want to consider the workings of this because of how wrong it is, so they give up staking out any firm position as adults become steadily infantilized into a permanent state of adolescence and children of both sexes are imbued with adult qualities nearly from birth. a truly upside-down, so-called civilization.

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i’ve been using this phrase a lot - “it blows my mind”. well it’s been happening a lot, so that would be why. eg over the last decade of using social media, i’ve tried to turn myself into a finely tuned counter-propaganda machine (of sorts, as much as i can be a machine. a splinter off the borg mind? idk). anyway. i post things on my facebook page, at least, that are easy for a casual reader to digest sans preachiness -- ie my remaining high school friends who haven’t bothered to inform themselves more but who weren’t total dumbasses when i knew them more intimately. but they stay on with dem party garbage. “it blows my mind.” they don’t care about thinking for themselves as far as i can tell from their virtual footprints, and i’m not talking about agreeing with me personally -- they just keep posting these garbage talking points. do they hate themselves? i don’t know what else to ask. it’s frightening, from micro to macro. Victor Klemperer, who i’ve seen cited lately by people from varying left political strands, is instructive here. it’s so fucking sad. all i can do for now is retreat into the literature. 

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Galactic Pot-Healer by Philip K. Dick

A pressing of the proper button brought the bed sliding out from the wall, virtually to fill the room; it had been his living room and now it was his bedroom. Four hours, he said to himself as he set the mechanism of the bed’s clock. He lay down, made himself comfortable -- as much so as the inadequate bed permitted -- and groped for the toggle switch that induced immediately and powerfully the most profound sleep state possible.

A buzzer sounded.

The damn dream circuit, he said to himself. Even early like this do I have to use it? He leaped up, opened the cabinet beside the bed and got out the instructions. Yes, mandatory dreaming was required at any time he used the bed ... unless, of course, he threw the sex lever. I’ll do that, he said to himself. I’ll tell it I’m having knowledge in the Biblical sense of a female person.

Once more he lay down and activated the sleep switch. 

“You weigh one hundred and forty pounds,” the bed said. “And there is exactly that weight extended over me. Therefore you are not engaged in copulation.” The mechanism voided his throwing of the sleep toggle switch, and at the same time the bed began to warm up; the heating coils in it blatantly glowed beneath him.

He could not argue with an angry bed. So he turned on the sleep-dream interaction and shut his eyes, resignedly. 

Sleep came at once; it always did: the mechanism was perfect. And, at once, the dream -- which everyone anywhere in the world who was now asleep was also dreaming -- clicked on.

One dream for everyone. But, thank god, a different dream each night.

“Hello, there,” a cheerful dream-voice declared. “Tonight’s dream was written by Reg Baker and is called In Memory Engraved. Now remember, folks: send in your dream ideas and win huge cash prizes! And if your dream is used you receive an all-expense paid trip off Earth entirely -- in any direction you desire!”

The dream began.

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what the fuck, or, another example of stupefying western animation

...that’s presented as far out psychedelic trip to young, impressionable minds but is really kind of scary.

comparing the capitalist trend of surreal trash to the much more imaginative Soviet and Korean varieties of animation from years gone by is enough to make people ask “what the fuck happened here” when viewing so much of even the most seemingly benign animation crafted for young audiences in the states and other western countries. but this is an example of more idiotic mind numbing and traumatizing garbage.

i only came across this as my partner and i come up with goofy things to joke about from our everyday life as couples do. one of our fish is a yellow-banded possum wrasse (specifying here for those who are interested in marine life and there are many species of wrasse), and he is so cute and tiny but seems to have the mentality of a shark though he is very friendly and is fascinated by and unafraid of human faces. anyway he is always up after the lights in the aquarium go out, hunting for copepods (the fleas of the sea). it’s a cool stealth mode to witness, the way he hunts. my partner made up this funny song, “nightfish”, and we started spoofing off it as far as what a cartoon based on this would look like. 

so i searched for nightfish just to see what is out there, and one of the first things that came up was a 1978 film entitled “Oriental Nightfish”. a wha? of course it was a trash McCartney production directed by Ian Emes known for his work with Pink Floyd. his comment on it from 2010:

I got pissed off whisky and put the music on as loud as it would go, and lay on my back in the living room and let it wash over me. The whisky did indeed help, and I came up with this weird idea where alien forces enter this building where someone who looks like Linda McCartney plays a Gothic Expressionistic Wurlitzer. This woman with blonde hair is penetrated, got naked and inhabited by the alien force, then she's replicated, before becoming a comet that explodes. The film was a bit weird, scary and a little bit sexual. Yet it was later put on Paul McCartney's Rupert The Bear video for children. The kids who watched it years ago are now in their 20s, and they've set up an internet site called The Oriental Nightfish Haunted My Childhood. I guess it freaked them out and opened their imagination.*

seriously, my god what? at first glance, i see a distillation of fascistic fears of “oriental” alien forces that violate the master race’s naturally modest women who once again must be spared from corrupting outside influences or face certain annihilation. i would have found this weird had i viewed it as a child. there are so many scary themes snuck into children’s programming that many adults don’t understand. you can find a clip of it on youtube if you’re really interested, but it strikes me as a mishmash of sci-fi illustrations blended with nihilist abstract expressionist themes so i don’t even feel like linking to it. garbage, considering who managed this so-called “artistic” movement.**

looking at the forest made up of all these futuristic, dystopian films and the accompanying illustrations and so on, i sense the nazi mysticism at work to mislead and fool the struggling as the spectacle seems all the more inescapable -- downtrodden subjects of the state fed up with outside corrupting influences in need of a superman who stands out of time. i don’t think we’ve seen anything yet on the stage with regard to the Clump show, even. they are meant to control wayward elements of the imperialist project who still buy in to a degree and simultaneously silence any resistance. 

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oriental_Nightfish

**http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/modern-art-was-cia-weapon-1578808.html